105

12.22.06

(A BARE STAGE)

DORA
I HAVE A KNIFE

JO
Calm down...

DORA
FUCK YOU I GOT A KNIFE SHUT UP

JO
You're being ridiculous. Calm down and let's talk

DORA
NO WAY MAN. I see you. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO

JO
If you would please calm down, it will only take me a minute to explain

DORA
EXPLAIN SHIT!

JO
You aren't making any sense

DORA
WHAT

JO
I said you aren't making any sense, would you please

DORA
I'll cut you. I'll cut you good.

JO
DORA. I know you're having a bad day. I know you've had alot of bad days lately, but I need you to calm down and be rational. I'm not here to steal anything from you, or take anything away, I'm only here to ask you a few questions and leave. As soon as I'm done, I'm out of here, OK? If I ask you a few questions are you going to answer them for me?

DORA
What kind of questions?

JO
Easy questions. The kind that have no right or wrong answers. All I’m looking to do is asses the situation and see if your answers can make things a little easier on you.

DORA
And then you'll leave me alone?

JO
You'll never see me again. Ever.

DORA
mmokay.

JO
Ok. First question

DORA
Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. Who are you?

JO
I'm...an auditor

DORA
What's an auditor?

JO
I ask people questions and I write their answers on this clipboard and I walk away

DORA
Ok. Ask your questions

JO
OK. First question. Is this your place of residence?

DORA
Yes it is, it is my home

JO
How long have you lived here?

DORA
All my life. All my mommas life too, and her pappy built it afore she was born

JO
Ok. And when was the house destroyed?

DORA
In the storm

JO
Where's all the rubble?

DORA
There ain't any

JO
Isn't there any debris at all?

DORA
There isn't none at all

JO
When did you clear it all away?

DORA
I didn't. Storm did. Picked it up and tossed it in the sky like a handful of dandelions

JO
OK. That takes me to question four:

DORA
No it don't. You asked seven questions so far

JO
I meant the forth question on the roster. Those last three...I was curious Dora

DORA
Are you trying to trick me?

JO
No, Dora, I would never try to trick you

DORA
You got a trickish look in your eye. I seen it before, probly before you were born. I seen all sorts of trickish people in my day, so you ain’t foolin’ me one bit. Why are you so curious asking so many questions that aren't on the clipboard?

JO
I just am...

DORA
They weren't part of the bargain

JO
I know, I apologize...

DORA
SO STICK TO THE BARGAIN

JO
OK Dora, question seven

DORA
Which one is it, four or seven?

JO
It's question four, but it'll be my seventh question

DORA
SO ASK ALREADY

JO
CAN YOU PRODUCE A DEED OR TITLE?

DORA
Pardon?

JO
Can you produce a deed or a title to this estate?

DORA
I can produce alot of things

JO
Right, but do you have a deed to this house, or what's left of it?

DORA
Which is nothing...

JO
Do you have a deed?

DORA
I kept it at the bank in town in a safety deposit box. There's where you'll find it

JO
Great.I don't need to see it, I just need to know it exists

DORA
Good. Next question

JO
Next question - question eight - can you describe to me the circumstances under which your home was destroyed?

DORA
Sure I can. Next question

JO
...OK would you care to elaborate?

DORA
No. Next question

JO
How was your home destroyed?

DORA
I done told you, in the storm

JO
Please describe the events in full

DORA
The house was here. Storm came. The house was gone. What is this about, anyway?

JO
Insurance

DORA
Insurance? I don't want to buy any insurance, I don't even have a house again yet!

JO
I know, what I mean to say is

DORA
I had a FEMA trailer up until Christmas when he and I had a fight and he kicked me out. I been living in a tent since then, so I don't want none of your insurance, unless you can insure a puptent and a camp fire. I don't even got money to eat or build a new house, how you expect me to pay for all that insurance shit?

JO
Folks in town have been making complaints...

DORA
What, that I don't got any insurance? Listen, you need work on your sales pitch 'cause I think it would take a bonafide dummy to buy that bag of beans

JO
No, Dora, I'm not trying to sell you insurance. Folks in town have been complaining that you haven't had a place to live lately and that you should. See, they called the town council and the town council called the company that I work for to see if you were registered for any insurance here. Folks in town care about you, Dora, they think you're good people. Anyway, the company checked, and sure enough, you've got a bit of insurance coverage with us, not alot but a little. The company sent me here to ask you a few questions about your house and what happened to it so we can figure out how much money you have coming to you

DORA
Oh! In that case I'll tell you anything you want

JO
That's what I thought you'd say

DORA
So what do you want me to say?

JO
Describe to me, in detail, the events surrounding your home's destruction

DORA
Mokay. Clarance, that's my ex what kicked me out, Clarance and I were knockin' boots in the living room while watching the baseball game on his little portable tv. Let me show you...the living room was here and the tv was right here. Clarance and me were here, and a little over here, and we were kinda hanging over like this

JO
I don't need to know that. Tell me what happened when the storm came, please

DORA
Ok. Well afterward, we wound up on the hideabed, which was in the bedroom over here. The bedroom was small, but it was cozy. The window was nice, and it had that old warped glass that makes the trees look like they're in a funhouse mirror. So after he was done I got up and went to the kitchen...which used to be right here. Don't worry, I'm gettin' to the storm part right now. So I heard a big rumble, and I knew it was raining because how could you miss it? And I yelled out CLARANCE! “YEAH” CLARANCE IS THAT YOU MAKING ALL THAT RUMBLING? “NAH, COME BACK TO THE BEDROOM, SWEETIE” CLARANCE I THINK THERE’S A STORM COMING, A BIG ONE – I had seen on the T.V. that the coast had a hurricane, but I ignored it ‘cause a CLARANCE! CLARANCE I THINK WE BETTER BOARD UP AND GET TO SHELTER! “NAW, SWEETIE, EVERYTHANG WILL BE ALRIGHT.” So I went back into the bedroom. Clarance fell asleep in my arms, but the howlin’ winds scared the heck out of me. They was howling like dogs at the moon, but meaner, like they were bloodthirsty winds barkin. I thought it was morning, but I couldn’t tell it was so dark

JO
Then what happened?

DORA
When Clarance woke up he was scared. We both were. It was too rough for us to get out of the house anymore. He said “Sweetie, I don’t think we gonna make it out of this one alive” but I told him to get his head on straight and we could think of a way out. On the radio we heard about flash floods tearin’ up homes in the area, and although we knew we were on higher ground, my pappy told me once of how this house withstood eight feet of raging water pounding at it. Still, the winds were howlin’ away, and I begun to think like Clarance, like we were both headed for tragedy

JO
What’d you do?

DORA
Clarance and I did the only thing two old fogies such as ourselves could do. We screwed. For hours and hours and hours

JO
But how did you survive the house getting knocked down? How did you make it out of the storm? What happened?

DORA
Well, he and I were going at it, and by the third hour we had already busted out the whiskey and the moonshine, and we had sort of resigned ourselves to our fate. So Clarance, he’s all drunk with a sharpie marker writing his epitaph on his belly, and I’m, well, you know, and the winds are howling and house is shaking and it seems like the whole earth was coming to an end. And Clarance looks out the window and says “HEY! WHERE DID ALL THE TREES GO?” I look and say YOU DUMMY! THE TREES DIDN’T GO NOWHERE, WE MOVED! Sure enough, the whole house had picked itself up and slid down the hill beside the creek below. Off its foundation, the house couldn’t stand a chance against the floodwaters. Soon enough as you can blink, she was gone. Worse is I saw my Clarance was gone too. We got separated when the house was rend in two, and we floated on separate chunks of wood. I kept calling CLARANCE! CLARANCE COME BACK TO ME YOU BIG OLD DODOBIRD but I never heard him call me back. When I finally paddled to land high enough, I couldn’t stay dry for the deluge of my tears. A sheriff found me naked and weeping in the winds.

JO
When did you find out for sure that Clarance had died?

DORA
Clarance isn’t dead.

JO
What?

DORA
He kicked me out of his FEMA trailer not too long ago. Like I said, we floated down our separate ways. Any case, the flood took whatever rubble I had left and tossed it all to nothing.

JO
So the flood was what destroyed your belongings?

DORA
After the winds, yes.

JO
Great.

DORA
‘Scuse me? I don’t see how that’s great.

JO
Well, Dora, the fact is that you aren’t insured for flood damage.

DORA
And?

JO
And my company doesn’t owe you any money. Touching story though. Good luck trying to get a copy of your title. The land is probably worth a few hundred dollars.

(JO exits)

DORA
Am I missing something here?