101 - the LOTTERY

12.18.06

The audience enters the space and are given numbers to pin on their coats. Wagner music is pleasantly played in the background. There is a curtain, hiding a playing space. The ushers look sharp in their cold, dark uniforms, which feature strong hats not typically seen in casual attire. When all are seated, situated, and have been waiting a while, a pleasant USHER enters with THE DIRECTOR.

USHER
Hello everyone and welcome to today’s festivities! We are so happy to have you here, and we hope that the evening finds itself mutually beneficial for all involved. For now, we have given you a number and asked you to pin it to your coat. Please keep it there, so that it is highly visible to me and our team of ushers. You will recognize them because they are wearing hats not typically seen in casual attire. Before the lottery begins, I’d like to introduce you to the genius behind this event, who I may only refer to as the Director. Director, would you like to say some words?

THE DIRECTOR
No.

USHER
Ok, well let’s have a round of applause for our Director!

Applause is initiated, during which THE DIRECTOR whispers into the USHER’s ear while pointing to various faces in the crowd.
When the applause ceases, THE DIRECTOR leaves.

USHER
Alright, so I am going to give you a rundown on how all this works. Soon I will be calling your numbers randomly selected by the lottery machine outside this room. When you hear your number, please stand up quietly and make your way to the nearest usher so you may be escorted to our prize room! After your number is selected, we will not let you back in here, because we don’t want you to spoil the surprise for other potential winners. So if your number is selected, please take all your belongings with you. I ask that you please wait patiently, as this process may take quite a while. Remember, not everyone can be a winner! Those whose numbers fail to be selected will be escorted out, and invited back to try another time. I have here in my pocket a list of numbers selected before the beginning of our ceremonies. They are: #12, #14 #19 #52 and #1. That’s 12, 14, 19, 52 and1. Please make your way to the nearest usher. Thank you.

The USHER exits while the patrons are escorted out. When all have left, “hours pass.” Members of the audience grow restless and hungry. The music comes to a sudden stop. The USHER returns in a different suit. The USHER’s smile takes a great deal of effort.

USHER
Sorry that took so long, ladies and gentleman. We experienced a problem with our lottery machine, and we did not want to ask you to leave before everyone could have chance to win a prize. That said, our lottery machine is up and running again, and I am proud to announce that numbers 6, 30, and 41 are now invited to come and claim their prize. 6, 30 and 41, please approach your nearest usher. Thank you.

The USHER exits again. Screams are heard soon after the winners exit. Those who try to leave are stopped at the door and brought back to their seats. “Days pass.” Now some members of the audience grow defiant.

22
This sucks!

23
Yeah, screw this. I don’t even care about this stupid lottery.

22
God, just come and pick someone and get it over with.

23
Seriously.

22
…augh! This is the most boring thing ever!

34
That’s it! I’ve heard all of you complain quietly to yourselves, but I can’t take it any longer. Stop complaining and actually do something. We all know there’s something fishy with this lottery. I say when the usher comes back, we fight our way out of here.

AN USHER
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

34
NO! You can’t order us around! We’re people, and people in this country have rights!

A siren. The USHER enters while removing black rubber gloves. The USHER speaks through bullhorn.

USHER
Everyone, I have an announcement! Will numbers 22, 23 and ah, 34 please come with me? You have all won the special prize, thank you!

The USHER exits along with 22, 23 and a forcibly removed 34. More screams are heard. Darkness. Light from behind the curtain. The sound of electric saws and drills. Spatter on the floor. “Weeks pass.” The place is falling apart. Audience members are kept in their seats by intimidation. 29 is particularly scared. He starts to audibly cry. The Wagner music plays lightly until the USHER enters, again in a different suit, albeit disheveled. Again, the USHER speaks with a bullhorn.

USHER
Alright everyone, sorry again for the wait. We really ought to buy a new lottery machine, but unfortunately those federal budget cuts keep holding us back. Anywho, we have two more rounds for you all, so we hope you’re as excited as we are. Would the following numbers please follow me to claim your prize: 7, 13, 48.

48
NO! NO NOT ME! NOO!!!!!!

USHER
Ushers, will you please escort 48 to claim his prize?

48
NO! STAY AWAY! I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE! PICK SOMEONE ELSE! GET OFF! GET AWAY! LET ME GO! NOOO!!!

48 is carried away.

USHER
Whoa, what was his deal? That guy seemed thoroughly unhappy to win a fantastic prize! No worries, ladies and gentleman. One more drawing left! You still have a chance to win your prize! I’ll be back shortly to announce the winning numbers!

The USHER exits. Darkness. Machines. Lights again from behind the curtain. This time they open to reveal THE DIRECTOR with 34. In front of them are four plastic bins: SNO-CONES, HOT DOGS, COTTON CANDY and FRUIT CEREAL. 34’s brain is exposed. THE DIRECTOR instructs an assistant to grab the bin titled COTTON CANDY. THE DIRECTOR removed 34’s brain and smashes it up into the plastic bin. The assistant exits with the mashed-up brains, while THE DIRECTOR makes an incision in 34’s belly. When the assistant returns, THE DIRECTOR instructs them to hold up the bin marked HOT DOGS. THE DIRECTOR then scoops up 34’s innards in large handfuls and drops them into the bin. The assistant exits. THE DIRECTOR holds the bin marked SNO-CONES under 34’s body to collect all the blood. After taking a short breather, THE DIRECTOR notices that the curtain is open. The assistant re-enters with 48, who is kicking and screaming to escape. THE DIRECTOR closes the curtain. Lights back up. Happy music. The USHER renters hastily.

USHER
Well, well, it appears we’ve had some technical difficulties with the machine again, so we’ve decided that everybody wins! So if you won’t mind standing up and exiting the room in an orderly fashion, we’ll have you with your prizes in no time! That’s it, please take all your belongings. Thank you very much. Buh-bye! Hope to see you again soon!

The audience exits from where they came. Now the hallways are spattered with gore. “Let’s all go to the lobby” is piped in. Gradually the gore becomes happy polka dots and stripes. In the lobby, most of the winning audience members are seen eating free sno-cones, hot dogs, cotton candy and dry fruit cereal. These food items are offered to the other audience members as well. 22,23,34, and 48 are noticeably absent. Before the audience is allowed to leave, THE DIRECTOR, the assistant and The USHER stand by the door in bloody attire to wish the audience a happy time.