82 - ...the INVISIBLE!

11.29.06

One or the Other unseen by the audience.

DOCTOR
Vitals are good. Temperature is reasonable. BP is right on. Immune system is back up to snuff. I think we can officially call this whole procedure a success. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and say it. This has been a complete success.

INVISIBLE
I’m chilly.

DOCTOR
We can have you put on some clothes in a moment. For now I need to have my interns run a few additional tests and procedures.

INVISIBLE
I thought you said this was a success.

DOCTOR
Oh it is, most definitely.

INVISIBLE
So what’s with the more tests?

DOCTOR
Completely necessary. Firstly, I need to get some ground zero data entry in on you. We’ll be sending you out into the world again soon and I want to know how your stats change in an uncontrolled environment. ALSO. Also I want to have the interns take a look…um….I want to have the interns run some of your exams under my supervision.

INVISIBLE
But I’m naked.

DOCTOR
Yes, well, they can’t see that can they?

INVISIBLE
I guess not…

DOCTOR
Precisely. So what do you have to worry about? Nothing.

INVISIBLE
What if they touch something accidentally?

DOCTOR
Raise your right arm please. Thank you.

INVISIBLE
How do you know I raised my arm?

DOCTOR
I heard you shift. Other arm. Other arm please. Don’t just skootch your butt on the table, raise your left arm. Thank you.

INVISIBLE
Am I the world’s first invisible person?

DOCTOR
You are indeed. Rich too. Your pension is bigger than my salary.

INVISIBLE
Will the others get paid as much as me?

DOCTOR
Others?

INVISIBLE
You’re doing this again, right?

DOCTOR
Not for a while. Ok, I’m going to give you a list of things you can and cannot do.

INVISIBLE
Wait. Hold up. I don’t want to talk about that right now.

DOCTOR
We only have about ten minutes for this session…

INVISIBLE
You said any time I had questions I could ask them.

DOCTOR
Alright. One. After that I need to go through this checklist with you.

INVISIBLE
Why not have the interns do it? Give us more time to talk.

DOCTOR
Because I barely trust the interns to take your temperature when I’m not watching. Ask.

INVISIBLE
Why don’t you trust your interns?

DOCTOR
Is that your question?

INVISIBLE
It’s A question.

DOCTOR
I don’t trust my interns because you are the single most valuable human being alive today. They are among the most highly decorated young medical practitioners in the country, but no amount of training will ever reiterate to them the importance of this project and of you as its culmination. Because they make mistakes. Costly, costly mistakes. That is why I don’t trust my interns.

INVISIBLE
The mistakes, did they make the big ones you told me about?

DOCTOR
Yes.

INVISIBLE
The ones with the skin problems?

DOCTOR
Yes, and the burning.

INVISIBLE
Can I ask you one last question? What was the worst mistake you ever saw?

DOCTOR
In this project? Well. We’ve had seven participants including you. The one before you was close, real close, but an intern forgot to wash their hands or something and the subject caught a rhinovirus. That’s why we kept you in isolation until your immune system kicked back in. Our first subject was a massive failure in the application stage. Spent twice as much on that one as we did on you, but there was a problem with dosage and we wound up scrapping the whole process before any level of transparency could be completed. I think that person’s walking around with translucent veins and arteries now.

INVISIBLE
What was the worst you saw?

DOCTOR
I just told you-

INVISIBLE
I mean the absolute worst. I already knew about the one that caught a cold in the last stage and the one that didn’t disappear. And I’m not just talking about the people neither.

DOCTOR
Through this whole project? As long as I’ve been involved? That’s a tough one. I’ve performed dissections on mice whose insides vanished so they looked all hollowed out. That was intentional though. We had some issues when we worked on canines about twelve years back. Skin would disappear, but the muscle would be visible. That repeated as a primary symptom on two of our human subjects before they boiled out. But we couldn’t see that when it happened. No, the worst thing I saw was when I was working on the chimps, under the previous chair. Real dick. No bedside manner. He would just order randomized changes in dosage levels, just to see what would happen. Sick. It’s what got him fired, eventually, when the videos surfaced. Almost had the whole project exposed.

INVISIBLE
I saw those videos.

DOCTOR
You had to. No way they were going to let me proceed unless you were totally informed.

INVISIBLE
Ok. You can give me your list now.

DOCTOR
My list? Oh, the list, right. This is a list of cans and cannots. Really its mostly cannots. I see there are some obvious ones, which don’t need much explanation. I’ll skim them for now, you can reread them later…ok…don’t use your transparency for criminal enterprises at any time, anyway we got the gps in you now, so we’d know if you broke into a bank vault or anything…No initiation of sexual contact. That’s a good one to note, you can’t fool around with anyone who doesn’t initiate first. I know it seems weird, but it has to with consent, and our liability if a blow up should happen. Don’t seek medical advice from anyone outside the program’s affiliation. I know I’ll be busy most of the time, but it’s important. I’m serious, some idiot family practitioner gives you an aspirin and your could have a stroke the second it hits your stomach. Also, no over the counter anything, come back here for whatever you would normally buy at Walgreens or Osco or whatever. This is a funny one, don’t jaywalk. That makes sense. Wait, where did you go?

INVISIBLE
I’m over here. Why can’t I jaywalk?

DOCTOR
You can’t jaywalk because no one can see you. Please sit back on the table.

INVISIBLE
Oh. Right. Sorry.

DOCTOR
You know what? Reading through this list, there isn’t much else you can’t read for yourself come to think of it. Basically, you need to walk on egg shells.

INVISIBLE
Is that good for my feet?

DOCTOR
No, I mean you need to maintain a cautious and focused effort to stay out of trouble.

INVISIBLE
Okay.

DOCTOR
You’re worth billions of dollars you know.

INVISIBLE
I know.

DOCTOR
We’re counting on you.

INVISIBLE
Okay, I get it.

DOCTOR
Alright, well, I’ll go get you some clothes and some body paint for now. Remember not to apply it for more than 30 hours in a single week, otherwise you’ll get some gnarly hives. How was your meeting with the optometrist? Did the contacts look right?

INVISIBLE
Yeah, fine. When does this wear off?

DOCTOR
When does what wear off? Are you still drowsy?

INVISIBLE
No. I mean this, the whole invisibility thing.

DOCTOR
Very funny.

INVISIBLE
I’m not joking.

DOCTOR
You’re serious?

INVISIBLE
Uh. Yeah.

DOCTOR
Jesus, didn’t you read your initiation packet?

INVISIBLE
I skimmed it, what? When does it wear off?

DOCTOR
The agent has a half life of like six thousand years, so it ain’t wearin’ off any time soon.

INVISIBLE
But I’ll be visible again soon, right? People will be able to see me, right?

DOCTOR
No, what did I just say? The effects are irreversible. That’s why we’re paying you so much money, we kept telling you time and time again…What are you doing? Stop hyperventilating, you’re going to make yourself pass out. There. Slow breaths. That’s right. Take it nice and slow…Hello? You still awake? …Are you still with me…?

A glass breaks.

DOCTOR
Get back on the table!

INVISIBLE
No!

DOCTOR
Where are you?

INVISIBLE
Fuck you!

DOCTOR
The doors are locked. You’re not going anywhere. AH!

INVISIBLE
I’ll have to take your keys then.

DOCTOR
Get your hand out of my pocket! The keys aren’t in there!

INVISIBLE
Let go of my arm!

DOCTOR
OWWW!

Pounding on the door.

INVISIBLE
Let me out of here!

DOCTOR
You nearly bit my fucking ear off!

INVISIBLE
Somebody help me!

DOCTOR
Get over here!

INVISBLE
Get away from me!

DOCTOR
Sit down so we can discuss this, please.

INVISIBLE
No!

DOCTOR
No one’s going to let you out. We told you from the very beginning that this would completely alter your lifestyle. Now if you can sit down for a minute so we can discuss this like adults, I can go over your compensation package and I’m sure you’ll feel a whole lot better…Okay? Please, calm down and listen, alright?

An INTERN enters and stands in the doorway.

INTERN
Excuse me, Doctor, could you just sign my internship hours for the week, oh and who was that shouting a minute ago-

The INTERN gets knocked down. The door slams shut.

INTERN
Golly. What the heck was that?