47

10.25.06

SENSORY DEPRIVATION

Note: The audience may be as few as one person or as many as 100,000

INSTRUCTIONS:

The coercion device works as such.

1.) Blindfold the subject so that they have no visual perception.
2.) Place heavy mittens on the hands and tie the arms together.
3.) Place a heavy ski mask over the head, with a surgical mask over the nose and mouth to assure no breeze makes contact with the face.
4.) Until noise canceling headphones are placed over the ears, blast awful metal music at extremely high levels.
5.) Instruct or coerce the audience member to kneel.

At this juncture, abandon the audience member for an indeterminate amount of time. At random intervals, make light physical contact with them, but avoid detection at all costs. Should an audience member become overly frustrated, increase the amount of time between intervals and lengthen the period of which they spend under coercion.

Randomly free the audience member from coercion at your discretion.

CODA: ENTIRELY OPTIONAL

INTERROGATION

When releasing the audience member from coercion, do so in a controlled environment, preferably a bright room. Have motivational questions and quotes by Dr. Phil written on the wall in big black letters in Arial Font. Repeatedly ask confusing questions to the audience member, demanding answers regardless of whether or not they are capable of providing any. If no satisfactory answer is given, return the audience member to coercion.

This process may be repeated indefinitely.

46

10.24.06

“A play has voice and body . It lives in time and space. It is finite and infinite.It has an audience.”
-Freedom Spice

VARIOUS PEOPLE come and go from offstage. Every time they reenter, they are a different character. The following monologue is traded off among the VARIOUS PEOPLE. A SLASH (/) denotes when the monologue switches to a new performer. The setting begins in a subway, with the sound of a subway train stopping. All the performers enter as if exiting the subway.

VARIOUS
Did you see the game yesterday?/That car smelled like crap/I don’t want to vote for either of them, they both sold their souls to the devil/Outta my way I’m late for work/the “Hail Mary” pass in the last fifteen seconds was incredible!/God I need a cigarette/ Dios te salve, María, llena eres de gracia, el Señor es contigo…/(SINGING) SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOME, I’M TIRED AND I WANT TO GO TO BED…/yeah, so nothing happened last night, we just kissed and went our separate ways…

The action moves to the street now.

…but I think that I could get farther next time/Do you know which way Jackson street is?/Yeah, it’s right over there/Flores! Flores para los muertos!/Oh, watch out for that pile of puke, yep you just stepped in it/Taxi!/Oh damn I’m gonna be late I’m gonna be late/STREETWISE!/You got a light?/No I don’t smoke/Taxi!/Did you read Dan Savage this week? Cracks my shit up!/(A SNEEZE)/Bless you/Cover your mouth next time/That game sucked! We totally should have lost it!/OPA!/Spare...Spare…G-g-got any change?/Taxi!/I think this congress is just as bad as the last congress, okay not just as bad/Yo creo que él nunca…sabes…sexo…/G-g-got any change? I’m real hungry…/I’ve got a callback tomorrow and the asshole secretary won’t tell me who I’m up against/Taxi! Yes! Shit, THAT’S MY CAB!/Not anymore…/Oh my god I am so fired I am so late…

The action explodes to different places of work.

…I’m sorry sir, the subway was packed/It’s alright, just get to the conference room/I need 500 copies made! NOW!/Take the case to the conflicts department, see if we can take it on/Order up!/Today’s special is spinach dumplings/Gateway and Heaven here. I’ve got Gateway and Heaven!/You want fries with that?/Flores! Flores para los muertos!/Let us pray: Heavenly father, we come today to bury…/Hey honey, you looking for some fun?/It’s 9:30 in the morning!/I need you to bike this over to Bill Hojekowski across town in ten minutes/STREETWISE!/I don’t give a flying fuck what the City Council says! I’m the fucking Mayor!/Flemmer, Brown, Levy, Hojekowski, Dustin and Kramer, how may I help you?/ G-g-got any spare change at all?/Okay Rob, you did great that time, but I’d like one more take with a bit more gusto!/AlphaWhite makes your teeth shine BRIGHT!/Give me all your fucking money! I fucking mean it, asshole!/Can’t any of you recite the quadratic equation? I just taught you this last week!/That’ll be $15.85.Cash or charge?/You have the right to remain silent, anything you say…/That skirt looks to die for on you!/Hi, I’m calling on behalf of Peoplecom to ask you…

The VARIOUS PEOPLE pass each other by…

…a few questions about where you live and the people you interact with from day to day. Who do you see?/You ever notice that nobody notices each other?/ Damn, we’re all so different/What even binds us together?/What makes us a whole?/Doesn’t it feel saccharine to think about this stuff?/Like its lame to think on a wider scale?/It’s so hard just to think about everyone in my neighborhood/let alone the city/how could we ever speak with the same voice?/let alone outside of the city/There’s a world outside the city?/You better believe it/There’s a world outside the country too/Look me in the eye/Everyone is so ugly/Quiero hablar con mi familia/Out of my way/Look me in the eye/ What did you do today that was so great?/Look me in the eye/Look me in the eye…

The VARIOUS PEOPLE join together and face the world.
Look me in the eye.

Look me in the eye.

Look (me in the eye.)

45

10.23.06

GUITAR stumbles onstage. GUITAR starts strumming. STICKS stumbles on and begins to beat on cardboard boxes and trash. WHISTLE slides onstage and begins a whistle solo. GUITAR and STICKS sing along:

GUITAR & STICKS (song)
AIN’T GOT NO ADDRESS, AIN’T GOT NO TELEPHONE
AIN’T GOT NO KEY FOR MY DOOR, I LIVE ALONE
AIN’T GOT NO REASON FOR GOING WHERE I ROAM
I KNOW THAT IT IS RANDOM
BUT WHEREVER I AM LANDIN’
HEY YOU KNOW I’VE FOUND MY HOME
HEY YOU KNOW I’VE FOUND MY HOME.

MY SHOES ARE FULL OF HOLES, AND SO ARE MY JEANS
I HAVEN’T WORN A PAIR OF SOCKS SINCE 1993
PEOPLE AIN’T LOOKED AT ME LIKE I’M A HUMAN BEING
I KNOW THAT IT IS RANDOM
BUT WHEREVER I AM LANDIN’
I’VE SEEN SOME THINGS THAT YOU’LL NEVER SEE
I’VE SEEN SOME THINGS THAT YOU’LL NEVER SEE.

THE WORLD IS BIG AND SCARY, THE MAN IS EVERY WHERE
WHENEVER PEOPLE SEE ME, THEY LOOK AWAY OR STARE
FOR ME THERE IS NO JUSTICE, FOR ME FAIR JUST AIN’T FAIR
I KNOW THAT IT IS RANDOM
BUT WHEREVER I AM LANDIN’
AIN’T NO ONE EVER WILLING TO SHARE
AIN’T NO ONE EVER WILLING TO SHARE.

AIN’T GOT NO ROLE IN GOVERNMENT, AIN’T GOT THE RIGHT TO VOTE
AIN’T GOT THE RHYME TO LULLABYE, AIN’T NO REASON TO GLOAT
AIN’T GOT HELP FROM NO ONE, TREATIN’ ME LIKE TRASH
I KNOW THAT IT IS RANDOM
BUT WHEREVER I AM LANDIN’
WE’RE RIDING THE SAME BOAT
WE’RE SAILING THE SAME BOAT
WE’RE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT.

GUITAR, STICKS and WHISTLE finish playing, say their goodbyes and exit in separate directions. They do this every day.

44 I Believe In Wundyland

10.22.06

Lights on DINKY DOG scratching, as the WUNDYLAND theme song, a dreamy children's anthem plays:

WUNDYLAND THEME
I BELIEVE IN WUNDYLAND
WHERE SMILES ARE FREE AND FUN IS GRAND
FROM OCEAN WAVES TO DESERT SAND
THE WHOLE WORLD SHOULD BE WUNDYLAND!

DINKY DOG
CRABS! CRABS! I GOT CRABS! (itches) Gah! (itches) ih! (itches) bwaaaaaa!
Do you want to know why I got crabs? Because my coworkers, colleagues and fellow citizens of Wundyland are all sex maniacs and pree-verts! That's why. Wundyland laundry policy requires us to have our undergarments washed communally in the Wundyland Washing Wigwam, so somebody's filthy pubic bugs leapt from their rotten tighty-whiteys and avoided drowning in Dinky Dog Detergent by nesting in my unmentionables! (itches) Eeeeeeeerrreeee (itches) ew ew ew ew ew ew ewwwwwww!
But do I say a word? Do I break character? Never. Not while wearing the uniform. Not while “on stage.” I am Dinky Dog. Only here, in the confines of the Wundyland break room, do I say a word. Because the uniform is sacred. When you're inside it, it's like you're walking around wearing a bright fuzzy church. I even took an oath when I became a citizen of Wundyland. It’s tattooed on my brain.

Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV as they recite the oath.

DINKY DOG & WARREN WUNDY IV
I pledge my adherence to the mascot and to the Entertainment Corporation which it represents, WundyWorld, under Dinky Dog, providing limitless jubilation for all.

WARREN WUNDY IV
It still brings a tear to my eye…

Lights out on WARREN WUNDY IV.

DINKY DOG
You can’t complain about anything when in character. The sweat, the heat, the smelly kids and their smelly parents….the crabs, the vow of silence, hearing that same theme song over and over again…it all comes with being a citizen of Wundyland. You knew what you were getting in to when you took the oath in the first place. But you did it anyway, because you love Wundyland and everything it represents.

Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV, eerily well combed with circle framed glasses. Lights out on DINKY DOG.

WARREN WUNDY IV
Wundyland means more than free smiles and limitless jubilation. It represents part of a global economy. Since my grandfather WARREN WUNDY jr. first started the company, WundyWorld corporation has outposts Europe, Asia, the middle east and soon on an offshore oil rig in the south pacific. Not to mention a one hundred billion dollar media outlet, including some of the most memorable animated films of all time. If you were ever a child, odds are WundyWorld corporation has had some hand in the sculpting of your impressionable young mind. And we’re damn proud of it.

Lights out on WARREN WUNDY IV. Lights on A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD, wearing “Dinky Ears.”

A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD
DINKY DOG IS THE COOLEST LIVING THING THAT EVER LIVED! MY favorite Wundy movie is “DOGPUNZEL” where Dinky Dog grows long enough ears that people can come and go from the tower by climbing up there, oh my gosh that would be so cool to do and I could even get to know Dinky Dog if I climbed up because where would Dinky go I mean its not like you can climb down your own ears can you so I would be able to have Dinky all to myself. DINKY DOG FOR PRESIDENT!

Lights out on A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD. Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV.

WARREN WUNDY IV
There are some who question our fervent distribution of products containing high fructose corn syrup to minors who enjoy our parks. I say the more sugared up they are the more fun they have while they’re there. More bang for their buck. Even if they are in the parks from the opening parade to the closing fireworks, they are still paying more than a dollar a minute for their stay in the park. Taxes included of course.

Lights on DINKY DOG.

DINKY DOG
But the park is so much more than a money-grubbing entertainment venture. It’s a way of life. All my friends quote Wundy movies all the time. My license plates read “D1NKYDG” and my car is twenty pounds heavier with bumper stickers featuring characters from Wundy cartoons. I sleep in pajamas covered in little profiles of Lonny the Loon. I work here, year round, six days a week, even though I could have had a law degree from Case Western. I turned them down. I’m not even kidding, I could be making 200k a year, easy, but I decided I would make a run for WundyWorld, and don the suit. Best decision I ever made.

After a pause that reinforces the potential foolishness of such a decision, lights out on DINKY DOG and up on WARREN WUNDY IV.

WARREN WUNDY IV
WundyWorld corporation relies on what we call the “True Believers” in the Wundy oath. For some (presumably good) reason many people are willing to dedicate their lives to my grandfather’s vision. They are the cast members and die hard fans who never give up on their Wundyful dreams of entertainment and imagination. Sadly, it seems the flow of such followers has begun to dry up. Apathy, cynicism and counterculturalism have begun to invade the youth of today, and have weakened the economy of young minds that shaped my grandfather’s vision of the future, as stated in the WundyWorld corporation mission statement: One World, WundyWorld.

Lights out on WARREN WUNDY IV. Lights on VAGUELY DISAFFECTED TEENAGER, who was once A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD.

VAGUELY DISAFFECTED TEENAGER
Whatever, man. Who cares about Wundy? What about, like, the fact that…whatever.

Lights out on VAGUELY DISAFFECTED TEENAGER. Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV and DINKY DOG, who performs a silly dance that becomes increasingly frantic, until the weight of the WundyWorld rests solely on fuzzy shoulders.

WARREN WUNDY IV
Personally, I feel the blame rests squarely on my predecessor’s leadership. Warren Wundy III didn’t truly believe in the bullet points that made this company and this dream so great. My father laid out all of these cockamamie outreach organizations dedicated to helping medical care reach the developing world. HELLO? They can’t afford to go to our parks. I know that sounds cruel, but WundyWorld is a business, not a non for profit. Although god knows we’ve tried… We’re confident that the next generational crop will turn up a whole new batch of “True Believers” in the WundyWorld dream. We’ve stepped up our ad campaign targeted at infants aged six weeks to eighteen months. We’ve diversified into various pharmaceuticals, textiles and home construction affiliates as a means to infiltrate different aspects of daily life to spread the good word. Our analysts predicted that the Latino population would be the fastest growing in the U.S., so ten years ago we ramped up our Spanish language media programming.

DINKY DOG
¡Queremos ir a Wundyland!

DINKY DOG collapses under the weight.

WARREN WUNDY IV
Of course, we’ve experienced a bit of blowback as a result…

Lights up on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER, played by VAGUELY DISENFRANCHISED TEEN.

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
WARREN WUNDY IS A FASCIST AUTOCRAT!

Lights out on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER.

WARREN WUNDY IV
Of course, we’ve all heard these complaints before, and there is clearly no merit to their case. First of all, my great grandfather was not involved in any sort of cult. He didn’t even raise grampa Wundy jr. And as for this ballyhoo regarding a “Wundy nation” that just isn’t the case. We are simply an organization that owns a large amount of acreage around the world, and we set up a “government” of our own to simplify the process of keeping our employees involved. The Wundyland theme parks were never meant to be a democracy. We only call our employees “citizens” as an act of team building branding…

DINKY DOG
Wait, what?

Lights out on WARREN WUNDY IV and DINKY DOG. Lights on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER.

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
WundyWorld was founded by protonazis and wealthy supporters of the K.K.K.! Warren Wundy jr. was actually the son of grand dragon Warren Wundy, who was actually the first to draw up plans to build a “utopian society” without minorities! He even started his own cult, called Wundyism, so that the people who lived in his isolated little world would only worship him! Wundy jr. just converted the whole thing into a business! The cartoons brainwash innocent children! The theme parks are the capitals of Wundy’s growing empire! The “citizens” of Wundyland are no more than cheap slave labor, whose minds have been exploited since childhood to grow a generation of loyal followers to Wundy’s tyrannical vision! Boycott Wundy! Boycott Wundy now! Boycott Wundy forever!

Lights out on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER. Lights on DINKY DOG, exhausted.

DINKY DOG
Warren Wundy never told me to become devoted to WundyWorld. Neither did the hundreds of thousands of members of the WundyClub, or all the citizens of Wundyland. We did it ourselves. We were raised on Wundy movies and cartoons. We all believe in the dream of free smiles for everyone and limitless jubilation for all. We wanted to see all the movies. We wanted to be a part of WundyWorld. Because it’s a part of us. Some of our earliest happy childhood memories come from WundyWorld. I know I don’t want to imagine what my life would be like without Wundy.

Lights on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
They take all their love and devotion and channel it into consumerism and labor.

DINKY DOG
I’m living my dream! I get to live in Wundyland!

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
Pretty soon there will be a whole generation of kids raised to believe that happiness can only be bought, and they’ll be hooked on Wundy media like cartoon crack addicts!

Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV.

WARREN WUNDY IV
All we’re doing is presenting family friendly content that reaches a global audience.

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
They’re pushing content to sell merchandise! They’re hooking your kids on their media!

DINKY DOG
I believe in Wundyland!

WARREN WUNDY IV
We aren’t worried about this latest wave of protests. These things tend to be rather cyclical anyway. We’re confident that a new generation of consumers will come rolling around before things get too bad.

Lights out on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER.

DINKY DOG
I believe in Wundyland!

WARREN WUNDY IV
I assure you, you’re children are safe with us.

DINKY DOG
I believe in Wundyland!

WARREN WUNDY IV
It’s a Wundyful place to be. Especially if you believe in Wundyland.

Lights on A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD,

ALL
I Believe in Wundyland!

The WUNDYLAND Theme Song plays as the light fades.

43 - BODIES BODIES BODIES BODIES BODIES BODIES BODIES

10.21.06
WAGNER MUSIC BLASTS AT AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD LEVEL. BOMB BLASTS AND BARBED WIRE. DIRT AND BLOOD EVERYWHERE. A SICK DAWN RISES, REVEALING MORE DEAD BODIES THAN MANY WOULD FIND TASTEFUL. TRENCHES. SOME ARE SOLDIERS, SOME CIVILIANS. SLOWLY, WOUNDED PEOPLE CRAWL THEIR WAY ACROSS THE STAGE/BATTLEFIELD AND OUT OF THE TRENCHES. THEY LEAVE THICK TRAILS OF BLOOD AND ENTRAILS. OCCASIONNALLY PEOPLE SPRINT ACROSS. SOME OF THEM ARE STOPPED COLD IN THEIR TRACKS. OTHERS MAKE IT THROUGH. EVENTUALLY NO ONE MAKES IT ALL THE WAY ACROSS. AS THE WAGNER MUSIC SWELLS, TOURISTS FILTER IN AND TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS. HORRID FLASHBULBS. HORRID CLOTHING. SO MANY FANNY PACKS! THEY POSE WITH THE DEAD. THEY MOCK THE WOUNDED. THEY LAUGH AND MAKE JOKES WITH THEIR MOUTHS FULL. EVENTUALLY THEY ALL GROW BORED AND MOVE ON. AS THE WAGNER MUSIC DRAWS TO A CLOSE, TWO SHLUBS ENTER. RIGHT AFTER THE BIG CLIMACTIC ENDING, ONE OF THEM SPEAKS:

SHLUB ONE
(Dern, I knew I shoulda watered them dandelions.)
OR
(Dern, I knew I shoulda turned the gas off ‘afore I left home)
OR
(Herrrrm, smells like victory.)
OR
(Dern. I knew I shoulda voted fer the other guy.)
OR
(Fuckin’ Wagner

SHLUB TWO
Yeah, fuckin’ Wagner)

42 Mule Variation

10.20.06

A slideshow presentation at Barnyard Animal School.

*SLIDE*

MULE
Hello.
I ab a bule.
By parents were a workhorse and a jackass.
Apparently this beans I’b sterile.
I don’t know what this beans. Sobthing about babies.

*SLIDE*

MULE
I like to load things on by back sobtibes.
This is a picture of be with sob hay on by back.
Yeah, it’s pretty heavy…

*SLIDE*

MULE
This one is of be with by friends Farber Billy and Farber Billy.
Farber Billy is really nice all the tibe.
Farber Billy can get bean sobtibes, but for the bost part, he’s pretty nice.
In this picture we’re on our way to the slaughterhouse.
(Don’t worry, it wasn’t be they were slaughtering. I’m still alive.)

*SLIDE*

MULE
This is a picture of by bob’s fabily.
They’re all horsies.

*SLIDE*

MULE
OH! This is a good one!
This is be and by dad in front of Eor at Disneyland.
We were part of the pedding zoo. I was three months old when this picture was taken.
I think.
Eor sbelled like lemons and banure.
But like good banure. The kind of banure you like to sbell.

*SLIDE*

MULE
These are by dad’s only known relatives.
They are all donkeys.
Apparently I ab related to sob old king of the donkeys.
I think his nabe was “Franklin Delano Roosevelt the Donkey.”
Sob people ask “Hey, Bule, is with weird to be related to horsies aaaaaand donkeys?
I say no.

*SLIDES TURN OFF*

MULE
Here are by thoughts on that.
About being half donkey and half horsie.
Sobday I hope that there are no bor differences between horsies and donkeys.
Sobday I hope all the horsies and all the donkeys learn to love each other like by parents.
So that everybody can be as happy as be.
And then I hope that all the mules like be learn to love the pink piggies and the feathery white chickens. And the grey rats too.
And we’d all be different still, but we’d still be just different combinations of the sabe thing. Like people. Only we’d get along better than people do.
That’s what I think about that.
The thing about having horsies and donkeys in by fabily.

*SLIDE*

MULE
This is by last slide. It is of by home.
That’s the stable where I was born.
Over there’s where I took my first step.
That’s the corner where my bobby died.
She’s happy and sticking to stuff, is what by dad says.
He says heaven is bade out of glue.
I like that. Glue tastes good.

*BLANK SLIDE*

MULE
So concludes by slide presentation.
I hope you enjoyed its creativity.
I can’t wait to hear about your fabilies.
Thank you. Goodnight.

41

10.19.06
EDGAR and ABBY at the breakfast table.

ABBY
I’ve got a chapter meeting tonight at seven, so I won’t be home for dinner.

EDGAR
That’s ok, I’ll just get some tofurkey at Whole foods.

ABBY
You know I wish you wouldn’t shop there, that place is run by Republicans.

EDGAR
Oh it is not.

ABBY
It is so! They’ve pushed every mom and pop coop out of this town in under two years!

EDGAR
That’s because it’s better! They’re powered by solar panels! Solar panels! Besides, where else am I going to get decent tofurkey around here?

ABBY
If you want to sell your soul for some tofurkey, you go ahead and sign your name in the devil’s/ book. I buy my half of the groceries at the church farmer’s market.

/A funny cell phone ringer goes off offstage.

ABBY
That’s mine, I’ll get it.

ABBY leaves and EDGAR eats his Orangutan-O’s for some moments. He takes a sip of coffee when he hears:

BEEZLE
Sip a drizzle spack a sizzle drip slip gack a wizzle!

EDGAR wonders where that came from. He takes another sip.

BUBBLE
First tense past tense getting tense? Last tense!

EDGAR mouths to himself. Enter ABBY.

ABBY
Why are you looking at me like that?

EDGAR
Were you making funny noises a moment ago?

ABBY
No, that was my cell phone.

EDGAR
No, after the ringer. Were you making, like, rhymes?

ABBY
EDGAR, you’re being way hostile right now. I thought we talked about this at peace camp. You need to stop viewing your loved ones like they’re the enemy.

EDGAR
You’re right. You’re totally right. I’ll roast one after breakfast and chill out.

ABBY
Why wait? You stay here, I’ll go get our shit.

ABBY exits. EDGAR hears giggles.

EDGAR
ABBY! ABBY IS THAT YOU GIGGLING?

BUBBLES appears from someplace unexpected.

BUBBLES
GABBY GABBY WIZ LAT POO WRIGGLING?

BUBBLES disappears. ABBY enters.

ABBY
I brought “Captain Whammy,” because neither of us has cleaned “Gandalf” in a while. Are you alright? You look kind of pale…

EDGAR lets loose a blood-curdling scream.

ABBY
Ok, I’m gonna go put the weed away.

ABBY exits. EDGAR collects himself and investigates the situation. Hmm, nothing seems to be at all out of the ordinary. Just then BEEZLE enters from some other unexpected place! BUBBLES soon follows suit. They sing and dance.

BEEZLE & BUBBLES
FART FART, WALMART
MICKEY D’S AND ENGINE PARTS
AFTER THE FALL FROM UNDER THE RUBBLE
OUT COMES BEEZLE AND HIS BUBBLES!

EDGAR
What the fuck was that?

BEEZLE
She’s Bubbles-

BUBBLES
And I’m Bubbles!

BEEZLES
And we’re familiars!

EDGAR
ABBY! ABBY WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE SOYMILK?

BUBBLES
Gabby can’t hear you now, Eddy-poo-kins!

BEEZLE
You’re in limbooooooo!

EDGAR
Get the fuck away from me! What the hell do you want?

BUBBLES
We want to to to eeeeeeeat!

EDGAR
I am eating! I’m almost done with breakfast!

BEEZLE
NOT THAT CRAP!

BUBBLES
REAL FOOD!

BEEZLE
YEAH, REAL BAD FOOD!

BEEZLE & BUBBLES giggle uncontrollably.

EDGAR
Well I’m not hungry.

BUBBLES
OH you will beeeee…..

BEEZLE
YES! You will beeee…after we give you…

BEEZLE & BUBBLES
THE-MA-GRID-DAL!

BEEZLE & BUBBLES dance and giggle uncontrollably. Suddenly a McDonald’s bag appears out of nowhere. BEEZLE & BUBBLES force-feed french-fries to EDGAR as they sing:

BEEZLE & BUBBLES
CHEW CHEW CHOMP CHOMP
CHOMP CHOMP CHEW CHEW
FIRST YOU EAT THEN YOU POO
THEN YOU’RE FAT AND THEN YOU DIE
SO KISS YOUR SKINNY ASS GOODBYE!

BEEZLE & BUBBLES disappear as ABBY enters.

ABBY
ARE YOU EATING FAST FOOD?

EDGAR tries to protest, but his mouth is full.

ABBY
Have you gone fucking insane? Do you know what they put in that shit? That’s like drinking chemical sewage! Even the french-fries have meat in them!

EDGAR spits out the fries when BEEZLE appears.

ABBY
THAT’S DISGUSTING!

EDGAR
You see it too! I thought I was hallucinating!

ABBY
You’d have to be to try eating something like that.

EDGAR
You don’t see them? You don’t see the the the things?

ABBY
I see a pile/ of vomited french-fries on my eco-friendly plastic breakfast table…

/BUBBLES appears behind ABBY.

EDGAR
THERE! There’s another one behind you!

ABBY
What? I don’t see anything. Clean this shit up, Edgar. I’m not eating with you until you can act like a civilized non-corporate-filth-choking human being.

ABBY exits. BEEZLE & BUBBLES do a jig of joy.

EDGAR
You heard her! Clean this shit up!

BUBBLES
Hear that? He wants us to clean up…

BEEZLE
Hrrm, yes, indeed, we have quite a bit of cleaning up to do…

EDGAR
Well you better start now, man, ‘cause/ I’m not going to stand for this bullshit in my house. I’m a good person, I shouldn’t have to bother with shitty little demons or whatever the crap you are. I only eat plants and grains! I ride my bike everywhere! I EVEN USE RECYCLED TOILET PAPER FOR GODSAKE!

/BEEZLE & BUBBLES undress EDGAR and replace his clothes with a blue suit and a briefcase. They’ve magically turn his hair into a crew cut by time he finishes his speech.

BUBBLES
Looks good…

BEEZLE
And by that you mean bad…

EDGAR speaks with a respectable accent.

EDGAR
Where the heckfire did these clothes come from?

BEEZLE & BUBBLES
WALMART!

EDGAR screams in terror as BEEZLE & BUBBLES disappear. ABBY enters.

ABBY
Quit screaming, Jesus its as if you’ve never cleaned a day in your lifeOH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

EDGAR
Abigail! Abigail, they’ve changed me into something evil!

ABBY
What have you done to yourself? Are you trying to become bourgeois?

EDGAR
I am serious, Abigail! The devil’s familiars simply appeared out of nowhere and took away all of my…cool! I think that they might have turned me into a square…!

ABBY
Oh, Edgar honey…Edgar you were already square to begin with!

EDGAR
That was uncalled for, young lady. Uncalled for!

ABBY
Listen to yourself, Ed! You talking like the Man! I’m not engaged in a spiritual partnership with you so that I could be with the Man! I don’t want a man. I want you!

EDGAR
I’m me, look, see, I’m still me!

ABBY
I see that, I do…

EDGAR
…but…

ABBY
…but, I’m looking at you differently now, and...I see that you’ve always had this within you. You’ve always had a little but of the Man in you, /haven’t you? I suppose I can’t blame you for it. You were raised by squares and a child of right-wing protofascists can’t help it if they’re an unadulterated product of the mainstream.

/A crescendo of giggles from BEEZLE and BUBBLES.

EDGAR
shut up Shut Up SHUT UP! …oh, wait…no…not /you…them…the demons…!

ABBY
/Right. Demons made you behave like a total pig right /then. No, I get it. I totally believe the GOP work for the devil. Sure. Sure. …Sure. Sure. I agree with you.

EDGAR
/I am not a Republican! I am not! I’m like you! I love you!

ABBY
I’m going to the Barn House for a beer. When I get home, you better have grown your hair back out, gobshite.

ABBY begins to exit.

EDGAR
Abby, wait! …Would it have been any better if they had turned me into a Democrat?

ABBY
Are you kidding? What’s the difference?

ABBY slams the door. EDGAR shrugs in agreement.

40

10.17.06

CLAP.

CLAP.

CLAP.

CLAP.

CLAP.
CLAP.
CLAP.
CLAP.

CLAP.
CLAP.
CLAP.
CLAP.
CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP

39

10.16.06

A FOOTBALL PLAYER crouches at the line of scrimmage. He gets geared up, but pauses and stands.

FOOTBALL PLAYER
Never underestimate the flow. You could have the biggest mutherfuckers on the line, the best arm with the sharpest brain and the stickiest mits to catch the damn thing, you disrespect the flow and all bets are off. This one time, I started shooting my mouth off-

A huge group of the scariest defensive tackles obliterate the FOOTBALL PLAYER. Seconds later, two re-enter.

TACKLE ONE
Never disrespect the flow, man, never disrespect the flow…

TACKLE TWO
Yeah, but pay attention when the ball gets hiked.

38 - Cute

10.15.06

A performer enters with a two-month-old puppy on a leash.
Awwwwww…

37 - A MILLION KISSES

10.14.06

In bed…

A
I bought a new ring today. Gold. Do you like it?

B
Sure, it’s very nice.

A
Yeah, it’s the real deal. Got it for a steal, too. Feel it.

B
Smooth, very nice. Price?

A
Not telling.

B
Panda bear…

A
No!

B
alright.

A
It’s a gift.

B
You bought it for yourself.

A
No, I bought it for us. As a declaration of our love and commitment.

B
Ah.

A
You don’t wear rings.

B
I don’t buy jewelry.

A
You don’t do much.

B
I do plenty.

A
Kiss me.

A kiss…

A
Again.

B
You first this time.

Another kiss.

A
How many do you think that makes?

B
Not enough to justify this conversation.

A
I bet it’s been a million kisses.

B
I don’t know if we’ve been together for a million seconds.

A
Some of our kisses are shorter than a second.

B
still…

A
A million kisses sounds more poetic.

B
What’s poetic about exaggeration?

A
Kiss me kiss me kiss me.

A third kiss.

B
My, aren’t we kissy.

A
You didn’t have a problem with that an hour ago.

B
Kissy is good. I like kissy.

A
Do you have a problem with kissing me?

B
No, of course not!

A
Do you have a problem with kissing?

B
In general? No.

A
So you have a problem with kissing me.

B
No! I just said I don’t.

A
I’m just pulling your chain. Kiss me again.

B
Fine…

An interrupted kiss.

A
Well, not if you’re gonna do it like that!

B
Like what? I’m kissing just fine!

A
fine…

B
What’s the problem with fine?

A
Fine…Fine, I’ll kiss you, fine…Fine, I’ll take out the trash…

A finer kiss.

B
I love your ring.

An abrupt kiss.

B
I love your kisses.

A tickled kiss.

B
And I love you. Do I need to do anything else to reassure you of my boundless devotion?

Kiss.

A
isleptwithsomeoneelse.

B
Buh…?

A
isleptwithsomeoneelse isleptwithsomeoneelse. Just now. Right before we made love.

B
Ha ha. Very funny.

A
No, I’m serious. Like, moments before we started making love, I did someone else.

B
Oh yeah, who?

A
I’m not joking, this isn’t funny.

B
Alright, wisenheimer. What’s their name then?

A
I don’t know.

B
So you slept with someone you don’t know.

A
Yes.

B
Right before we made love.

A
Yes.

B
Right after we spent the whole evening together.

A
Yeah. In between that and just now.

B
Well, unless it happened in the 45 seconds that we weren’t together, I’m not buying it.

A
It did. It lasted less than 45 seconds. It was really really fast.

B
And you never met this person before in your whole life?

A
It just sort of happened. Why are you laughing? This isn’t funny!

B
Where is this mystery person now?

A
Under the bed.

B
Under the bed? The whole time? Must be skinny…

A
Really, really skinny.

B
Well, tell them they can come out now.

A
You can come out from under the bed now. Everything is out in the open.

A pause.

A
Come out! Come on out!

An attempted kiss.

A
No, I don’t want to…

B
You’re cute.

Another attempted kiss.

A
Come out from under the bed!

B
Maybe they suffocated.

A successful kiss.

A long kiss.

A happy kiss.

A
I don’t understand why they aren’t coming out.

B
They? Just now it was one, now there’s more?

A
Well I only did it with one, but there were others there too.

A kiss filled with laughter.

B
Really, like who?

A
A businessman in a suit…

B
Birthday suit?

A raunchy kiss.

A
Come on, I’m serious.

B
Sure you are.

A
A businessman in a suit, a fast food clerk, a saxophonist…

B
What kind of saxophone?

A
Baritone. And there was a cheerleader and a mayor.

B
How did you know that they were the mayor?

A
They were wearing a sash that said “mayor.”

A kiss smothered with good humor.

B
And I bet there was a guy wearing a bumblebee costume too.

A brief kiss.

A
No, but there was an astronaut and a clown.

B
HA!

A
And two people dressed in a donkey costume. That was it, I think.

B
That’s it. All these people were in the room while you had sex with some skinny person for less than 45 seconds while I was away and not looking, and I didn’t notice?

A
You’re not mad?

A short, but reassuring kiss.

B
No, I’m not mad.

A
Really?

B
That ring is a sign of our love and commitment, right?

A
Right.

B
No, I’m not mad. In fact I think you’re the cutest thing in the whole world.

A
Aww…thanks.

A smooch.

B
So where is this cavalcade of characters who watched you have an affair?

A
Under the bed…

B
comehere…

A grabby kiss.
A kiss filled with giggles.

A
No seriously, they’re under the bed!

Punctuating kisses.

B
Pandabear, I don’t think I could fit under the bed, let alone an astronaut or a saxophonist.

A
They’re all there, I swear!

B
Maybe if it were a soprano saxophonist, but a baritone? Please…

A satisfying kiss.
The short low honk of a soprano saxophone.
A kiss meant to distract.

B
Wait, what was that?

A
Nothing. You farted.

B
Did I? I’m sorry.

A
Come here and kiss me like you mean it.

A slow kiss.
A passionate kiss.
A kiss that turns off the rest of the world.
A never ending kiss.
From under the bed, a skinny person, barely dressed, quietly escapes making sure the coast is clear. A businessman escapes, followed by a fast food clerk and a baritone saxophonist, who they remind to keep quiet before exiting. A cheerleader escapes cartwheeling, followed by the “mayor” and an astronaut who exits by bobbing in slow motion. A clown escapes and helps pull the donkey out from under the bed, exiting silently. An oblivious kiss.

B
999,999,999…

An ignorant kiss

B
A million!

A blissful kiss.

36

10.13.06

A stark room with a simple metal door. Off-center is a simple metal desk with a simple metal chair. Sitting in the chair is MAX, who reads blank transparency paper. Simple futuristic music, meant to elevate mood, plays lightly in the background. One at a time, audience members are escorted through the metal door from a cold dark room. They each face MAX alone, wearing special protective suits over their clothes. MAX does not answer questions, and does not respond to attempted audience interaction.

MAX
Hello and welcome to the resurrection project. I see here in my files that you perished on (insert date here) from (insert random ailment here) at precisely (insert performance start time here). You have now been resurrected. May I see your ticket?

MAX looks at the ticket, specifically for the ticket number.

MAX
Your new name is (insert ticket number here). It is located here on your ticket. I have judged your ticket to be non-counterfeit. You may proceed in living. Today's date is June 9th, 2984. You are currently located in Shackspeare, Angletown. We are located in the Tudor district. You speak a dialect of English which is now archaic in what, to you, is the new world. I have learned this speech phonetically in order to help your reintegration. Do not worry, all will be explained in orientation. The resurrection project is a subsidiary of BLOO-ip. Do you have any questions?

MAX interrupts the audience member.

MAX
Thank you and on behalf of BLOO-ip and the resurrection project, have a happy new life. You may proceed through the wall.

When the audience member cannot find the entrance through the wall, MAX yells at them in a series of beeps and bloops.

MAX
BLOOP! Beeeeeeeeeeeep. Bop bop bop bopbopbopbopbop EEEEEEEEEEE!

MAX then opens a hidden door in the wall that leads to another room which features dumpy flower-patterned couches and an old tv/vcr. The room is dark, except for light provided via lava lamps. When the audience member has taken their seat and MAX has again sealed the door, the next audience member is escorted into the simple room with the simple metal door. Inside the room are seated two guards, with neutralizers. When the last audience member is escorted into the room, MAX bloops to the guards and seals the door. An INSTRUCTOR enters from another hidden door. The INSTRUCTOR deliberately waves hello, and after counting everyone, turns on the tv/vcr. The video that plays is unbelievably old and worn out.

(TVVCR)
(Hello. Welcome to the 30th century! You have all died. Normally, this would be the end, but tonight, it is not! Isn't that great?)

The tv/vcr waits for a response. Somebody does, and it moves on.

(TV/VCR)
(Yes, it is, isn't it? First, a bit of explanation. Each and everyone of you died, nearly one thousand years ago! But thanks to five hundred years of the development of modern technology, you can breathe again today! Isn't that amazing?)

Again, the tv/vcr waits until someone agrees.

(TV/VCR)
(Now, as you may or may not remember, you bought a ticket to an informational meeting called “Live Forever Now!” in the days and weeks before you perished. That ticket was actually a coupon to be entered in out Eternal Youth Sweepstakes! Bad news or good news first? Bad news, bad news, of course. Unfortunately, due to the mass chaos and hysteria caused by the tragic events of [insert performance date here], the event had to be cancelled. Good news? We held the raffle anyway, and you all won! Congratulations! Isn't that just dandy?)

The tv/vcr waits. And waits and waits and waits.

(TV/VCR)
(So, a couple moments of acclimation for you before we set you loose on the future. For one thing, nobody speaks English anymore. It is a dead language, as far as many are concerned. Those of us who know it have learned it phonetically from the scholars who maintained a limited understanding of the language's workings. Now we speak a language called BLIIIIIIPIPIPIP, which is currently the only language spoken on the planet. It consists of a series of bleeps and bloops which you, the voyager from the past, will never be able to understand. Not to worry though, everyone living within one hundred miles of this location has learned enough conversational English to give you the illusion that we have any idea what you are saying. Also, we have tried to construct a replica of what the world may have looked like before you departed it. We rebuilt your homes and favorite restaurants, as well as your schools and sports arenas, all in order to create the illusion that it is [insert year of performance here]. It might be a little hard to make the adjustment, but we won't set you free without first giving you a survival kit. Your survival kit includes: 1 unit of water, 1 unit food, 1 page of translations from English into BLIIIIIIIPIPIPIP, 1 condom, 1 dry salted peanut [the currency of the future] and finally 1 length of yarn. Because you are our first group to successfully be resurrected, this is really a test of your capability to reintegrate. Future resurrections depend on your success. Make us proud!)

A team of ushers hand out the survival kits, which are housed in futuristic bags. The audience is blooped at and bleeped at until they exit the room into another, terminal room. Futuristic music is played while they are encouraged to trade their peanuts for a jello shot. They are also asked to give back their special protective suits. After all the suits are collected, the lights are shut off and a door is opened wide. The door leads to an alley, and the end of the show. The audience fends for themselves.

35

10.12.06

A figure, anonymous, stands alone onstage. Tableau.

An identical figure enters with what appears to be an enormous erection. The first figure looks at the second. They both look down.
They both look up at each other. Tableau.

The second figure reaches into a trouser pocket, revealing that the offending sight was a banana all along. Tableau.

34

10.11.06

Three, in bland one-piece uniform, with worn furniture.

135
It’s like waiting for the guillotine, being here…

721
Entertainment. What we need is entertainment.

502
Yes, it’s positively glum here, isn’t it?

721
Yes, glum is the word I was looking for.

502
Humdrum would work as well.

721
Yes. Humdrum!

502
Humdrum…glum…entertainment. Yeah! Well, I have an idea in the old noggin! Let’s have a posh tea party to celebrate the arriving hour? Shall we?

721
Oh yes! Lets!

135
You must be positively daft.

502
Nonsense. Not at all. Here, come set the table while I put the kettle on!

721
Ooh! How lovely! Look at this wonderful lace tablecloth I had hanging in the master closet! This should do nicely! Go purloin the silver from Ragobond’s cupboard, will you?

135
Who is Ragobond?

721
Why our butler, silly. Wouldn’t want to wake him, its nearly ten to midnight! We’ll just place the settings ourselves. Oh! Here comes mum with the crumpets!

502
Crumpets, both cinnamon and raspberry. Also brought salmon cakes, deviled eggs and little salted wieners in cream sauce for my saucy young boys! In the kitchen I’ve made sweets you couldn’t even imagine. Things shaped like mythical creatures and frosted in colors not found in the rainbow. Absolutely delicious. Tea’s on the way!

721
Thanks mum. A wonderful treat after such a long dreary day. Work was an atrocious bore, what with all the nonsense and the hubbub. Crunching numbers, flipping pages, so on, so forth. Though I was at the opera house for a matinee to escape the rain. The story was even drearier, I would say. Music was phenomenal, though. Don Giovanni, by Mozart. Dead before his time… Say, son, what did you do with your day?

135
I’m not…I don’t…

502
Didn’t you paint a picture today, son?

721
Well go on, tell us about it…

135
I…Yes. I painted a picture.

721
Wonderful, well, let’s have a look at it!

135
Here it is, here is my picture. It is surrounded by a frame.

502
I can see that, boy, how wonderful! Simply marvelous! All the fine detail and the color! You’ve a bright future ahead of you, you know!

135
No I haven’t…

721
Nonsense, son. I’ve worked hard all my life so that you, my heir, could have the opportunity to follow your dreams. If you wish to become an artist, well then, I will make sure that every obstacle between you and success are laid waste. You have a bright future ahead of you now, don’t you…?

135
Yes. A bright future indeed…

721
I’m afraid I’ve misplaced my spectacles. Might you describe this painting for me?

502
Tea’s ready. Everyone hold up your cup!

721
Aren’t you going to hold up your cup, son?

135
Yes. Please. Tea.

502
Any lumps?

135
Seven.

502
Sweat tea for my sweet pea! 1…2…3…4…5…6…7. 7 lumps!

721
None for me, thanks. Now, boy. Why don’t you go ahead and describe what to me is only a faint blur. Perhaps my imagination will fill it in.

135
It’s a picture.

721
Yes…of what?

135
It’s a picture of a birdie.

502
Yes, I see that now. What species of avia do you presume?

135
It’s a big birdie.

721
Ah! A Rrrraptor then. Perhaps an eagle?

135
Yes. It’s a picture of an eagle.

502
And what’s it doing?

135
It’s flying.

721
Soaring! Soaring majestically I would say.

135
No. No it isn’t.

502
Then what’s it doing?

135
It’s diving. For the kill.

721
Ah, I see. It must be hungry.

135
Yes, that’s right. It hasn’t eaten for days…

502
It’s got that look in its eye.

135
No, there’s no look. It’s too hungry to look anymore. It’s too tired and weak to keep thinking. This eagle, right here it is, dives completely on instinct. It knows there’s a fish in the water. Right here. The water bubbles on this side of the painting, because we’re behind the eagle’s back, looking down. And we can’t see the fish, but it’s there. We know it’s there. In our mind’s eye we see that fish. We’re falling with the eagle, falling fast, hard, our last chance for a meal before we starve. It’s desperate, it’s so desperate, but it’s free. We’ve never been so free. Moments before the kill.

502
Good work, m’boy, have a crumpet, while I hang this masterpiece on the wall!

135
Yes…Yes, I suppose I will! Mmm, it’s warm!

721
Just pulled fresh from the oven, you know. Before we had a cook, your mum was quite the culinary expert! Try the salmon cakes, eagle-boy.

135
MMMmmm, they melt in my mouth!

502
I’m glad you like them. But there’s a secret recipe you know…

721
Ah, yes, the family secret recipe for salmon cakes…

135
What’s the secret?

502
They’re magical.

135
Really!

721
Yes, yes, if you eat three, you fly!

502
You don’t just fly, you become a bird! An eagle, just like in this painting!

135
How wonderful! Lets all of us eat three together!

(Mouths full)

721
One…

502
Mmm, two…

135
Three!

(Pause)

135
I feel it! I’m an eagle!

502
Yes, we’re all eagles! Look at us fly!

721
Now let’s fly our asses out of this place!

135
No, wait! Look down there! Fish!

502
Delicious fish!

(They go for the kill)

721
I’ve got one! A trout! I’m not sharing!

135
Me too! A new kind of fish! Never before discovered!

502
Oh, I bet it’s delicious!

721
Who cares! I’m hungry!

502
I’m starving!

135
I’ve never felt so free!

Harsh light and rusty chains burst in. The three cover their eyes as they are addressed by an OFFSTAGE VOICE.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Alright you three. Hands on your heads. Stand forward and be counted.

721 stands forward.

721
Prisoner 721 present and accounted for, sir!

721 stands back. 502 stands forward.

502
Prisoner 502 present and accounted for, sir!

502 stands back. 135 reluctantly stands forward.

135
135 present, sir.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
I COULDN’T HERE THAT, RODENT. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

135
I said prisoner 135 present and accounted for, sir!

OFFSTAGE VOICE
That’s better. Now. It’s three minutes to midnight. There has been no interference from the party office, which means things will continue as planned. The preacher couldn’t make it, his school bus ran over a land mine. Don’t worry, he’s alright. He said you should say your prayers quietly to yourself…well get on with it!

The three begin to pray in separate languages.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Quieter! And line up with your backs facing us. We’ll be leading you out soon.

The three pray quietly as they face upstage.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Poor loony bastards. Alright, company, on my mark. FIRE!

Blackout in a hail of gunfire.

33

10.10.06
NOTE: Italics should be played through a speaker, or vice versa.

WALLFLOWER, in a plaid jumper, at an invisible mixer.

WALLFLOWER
Wish mom would come back and pick me up. I don’t feel right at parties like these.
Hey Becky! Hey Tommy! How about Ms. Stankowski’s geography class, huh?
Asses…They all have pubic hair I bet. I bet they’re all itching with it. I bet.
I bet they’re doing it already. Their love is not as thick and pure as mine. I would never dream of having sex until I was married to the right woman.
Hey Margie, nice new bands on the braces! Are they school colors? Go Eagles!
Margie, how I love you! You’ll never know how I yearn for your touch, like an oreo yearns to be twisted in half and licked ‘til the chocolate cookie crackers are bone dry!
Who, me? No I’m not staring at you, Margie. I’m admiring the wallpaper behind you!
Look away! Look away! Don’t let her know! She must never know!
Ugh… Dwight Olbermeier. Pit stains and yellow teeth. I sincerely hope he isn’t coming this way thinking he can cop a feel during the next Celine Dion song. God, that mustache looks like someone wiped their butt on his upper lip! I bet he’d like that…
Hello Dwight.
Oh god, he’s actually asking me to dance. Crap.
No, Dwight, I actually don’t feel like dancing, thank you though…
I just don’t feel like dancing with you. Next time Jewel comes up on the stereo I’m going to grab Margie’s hands, take her to the middle of this crowded gymnasium and hold her tight until Jewel sings the words that are written in our hearts.
You were meant for me, and I was meant for you…
I only want to dance with Margie…Margie…
Margie…
Why is everybody looking at me?
What? No, I didn’t say your name. Really, no. I was just telling Dwight to go bother someone else, seriously, that kid is gross…
Raising deflector shields…!
Yeah, I know. He just asked me to dance with him to the “Titanic” theme, and I said “no way. Dwight. Brush your teeth and start playing some basketball, then we’ll talk.”
She’s laughing! She’s laughing! Maybe I’ve won her over!
Brad Ginsley? Yeah, I know him.
He’s that jerk who ran against me for home room rep last year.
You made out with him?
Ugh! Margie, how could you? Now your mouth is tainted with his student government germs! Belch! Blech times a million! Wait! She wants to have a sleep over?
Yeah, you can stay over night at my house. That’s no, wait you what?
Why would she only want to say that she’s sleeping over?
Why would you only want to say that you were sleeping over?
Oh.
Oh.
That. Sucks.
No, that’s fine.
You horrible assbitch.
Yeah, no, Brad’s hot, you should totally go for it. Slow dance with him next time Jewel comes on, then he’ll totally want to make out with you.
Did I just say that? Why did I just say that? What the crap-ass is wrong with me?
Whatever you want, Margie. Yes…I. Like. Totally love you too. No, you’re the best.
This is the worst moment of my life. Get me out of here. Get me out of here right now. Oh, ass, here comes Dwight again…
What is it Dwight?
Get me out of here get me out of here get me out of here.
You requested what? Jewel? For me? That’s sweet!
That’s disgusting, the most important song of my life has now been turned into butt-flakes by this horrible mixer.
No Dwight. I don’t like dancing, really. I guess I’m just not ready for boys yet.
And I never will be, god willing, so long as they all look like you or act like Brad.
Dwight, I don’t want to be mean to you, but you have a bit of a BO problem.
I’m so pissed at you for no reason right now Dwight.
Actually, you smell horrible, and your teeth are the color of Cheetos. And when you talk, Cheeto bits go everywhere. Last week, when Mr. Fleuriani had us correct each other’s quizzes, yours was speckled with greasy orange Cheeto dots. It was disgusting!
This feels really good. I’m on a roll. Wait a minute, he’s crying.
What are you, crying? You’re a boy! Boys aren’t supposed to cry! Boys are supposed to be men! What are you, some kind of sissy?
Thank god, he’s running away.
Aw shit, here comes Brad.
Hi Brad, Margie was looking for you. Yeah, Dwight's such a dweeb. You thought it was funny?
Crapsniffingassheadbuttmuncher.
Sure we can talk. Margie really likes you, and…
Don’t interrupt me, why are you interrupting me you crapsniffingassheadbuttmuncher?
Oh, Brad, that’s flattering, but-

A kiss between WALLFLOWER and invisible Brad.

WALLFLOWER
That meant absolutely nothing to me. I mean it meant something, but it didn’t. Was that just my first kiss? I think it was. My first kiss meant absolutely nothing to me…
Shit.
Is that Jewel playing in the background? Why is Brad pulling on my hand? Oh, crap, there’s Margie. Margie! Margie I love you! I want to hug you for hours! Margie! Why are you crying? Brad, quit pulling my arm off!
Brad, you’re pulling my arm off!
I don’t want to dance with you!
I don’t want to dance. I’m fine on my own!
Margie is leaving!
Margie! Wait! I can explain!
Goddamn you Brad!
Will you knock it off! I don’t like boys! You people are gropey disgusting animals and you broke poor Margie’s heart! Now leave me alone while I go try to explain, you manslut!

The WALLFLOWER runs off the stage.

32

10.9.06
For Di, in honor of her "opposite day" experiment, one of my own.

DW
Today I was in line at Starbucks, you know, not the one that’s always empty, the good one, that everybody goes to. Well, anyway I was at Starbucks, and I was waiting in line to order my grande triple soy mocha with no whip, when the assmunch ahead of me orders the last drop of soy they have in the store. Starbucks ran out of soy, can you believe it? All because some jerkmeister orders fifty bazillion soy mochas ahead of me. When it was my turn in line I froze. I didn’t know what to do. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, I swear. Worse than having to retake the MCATs. I stood there, silent, seriously hitting rock bottom. I’ve never felt so low. But then it hit me: let go. Stop caring. It doesn’t matter. Order a whole milk mocha, with whip and caramel sauce. And a muffin. Order what you want, stop caring. So I did. I stopped caring at all. I stopped giving to charity, I don’t even bother washing my hands before surgery anymore. Tonight I’m having an affair with my neighbor, who happens to be married. Do I care? No. Best thing that ever happened to me. That’s why I don’t care about anything anymore. I just don’t care. And I don’t care about anyone either. I don’t care about my friends, I don’t care about you, and I certainly don’t care about myself anymore. Mind if I smoke?

GRIFFITH
But, wait a second-

DW
I don’t care.

DW lights a cigarette.

GRIFFITH
You’re repeating yourself.

DW
I don’t caaa-aaare.

GRIFFITH
How’s work treating you?

DW
I don’t, what?

GRIFFITH
Work.

DW
What do you mean, work?

GRIFFITH
Work. How’s going at work?

DW
I quit.

GRIFFITH
You quit?!

DW
I quit.

DW lights another cigarette, juggling two.

GRIFFITH
But what about your patients? Your rotation? What about your student loans? …you don’t care do you? Well. How enlightened you’ve become.

DW
I’m telling you, it’s a whole new way of life. Not giving a shit has changed my whole aura, it’s really brightened my days. You know how much I used to worry about poverty around the world, or idiots running the country, or, for fucks sake, being politically correct? Is there anything more lame than being politically correct? Countless hours I used to waste caring about shit, I can now spend doing literally nothing. I’m drinking beer at ten in the morning. I stopped reading the papers, now I just watch TV all afternoon. I haven’t felt this free since the year I graduated from college. I’m thinking about taking up smoking pot again. Say, do you know where I could buy some pot?

GRIFFITH
Absolutely not!

DW
Absolutely not?

GRIFFITH
I don’t smoke pot!

An exchange of glances. A staring contest ensues.

GRIFFITH
But my nephew might know where you could get some.

DW
Well call him! Call him right now!

GRIFFITH
You’re acting like a child…

DW
I just got this sudden urge to smoke. I’m only operating on urges now. Gut reactions.

GRIFFITH
I’ll see you later…

DW
Callhimcallhimcallhimcallhim!

GRIFFITH
NO! God. You’re being so goddamn annoying. I’m not calling my nephew to get you drugs! I have to see his parents on holidays! Jesus god, you are being so selfish right now! What the fuck is wrong with you, you want to smoke pot! You want to smoke pot, go find a fucking dealer and smoke some fucking pot! GOD!

DW lights another cigarette.

DW
But I want to smoke…

GRIFFITH
I don’t fucking care!

DW
Welcome to my club!

Another exchange of glances. GRIFFITH dials.

GRIFFITH
Alright, gimme a cigarette.

DW
Are you gonna call him?

GRIFFITH
You’re buying, asshole.

DW
Don’t you have to go to work?

GRIFFITH
I’ll call in sick.

DW
Can you do that in the state legislature?

GRIFFITH
I can do whatever I want. Dewey! It’s your uncle Griff. Howyadoin’ bud? Freshman year treating you well? Yeah? No, no, they don’t get any easier. Listen, bud, I was calling because I need a favor. A friend of mine wanted to know where he could purchase some marijuana cigarettes. No not tobacco cigarettes, marijuana…yes. No this isn’t a setup. No, I’m not joking. You seriously don’t know anyone? But everyone in high school smokes pot! You really don’t? Listen, Dewey, if you do this, I’ll get you a letter of recommendation from the governor for any college you want. Yeah, I work for him. No, really. Didn’t your parents ever tell you that? OK. Listen bud. I can get you into any state school. I don’t care. Yeah, that’s why. OK. Call me back.

GRIFFITH hangs up.

DW
What did he say?

GRIFFITH
He said he’d never smoked pot before.

DW
I don’t believe him!

GRIFFITH
He said he knows some of the stoner kids though. He’ll call back.

DW
Sweet! What do we do until then?

Lengthy pause.

DW
Know where we could get some porn?

GRIFFITH
I’m not watching porn with you!

DW
Why not? I don’t care if you’re in the room when…

GRIFFITH
Whatever…

DW
Listen man, you need to care a little less about your stupid boundaries, alright? We could be potentially having a carefree good time right now, but instead you just shoot down my ideas. You got any ideas? I’m getting bored now…

GRIFFITH
Not caring sucks. I feel so non-productive. Hey, if we’re gonna get stoned, maybe we should go get some food, incase we get those crunchies, you know?

DW
You mean the “munchies?”

GRIFFITH
Yeah, that’s it.

DW
You have never smoked pot before, have you?

GRIFFITH
Sure I have!

DW
When?

GRIFFITH
In college.

DW
Weren’t you in the young republicans?

GRIFFITH
Yeah, but we were still in college.

GRIFFITH’S phone rings.

GRIFFITH
Hello? Yes, this is Griffith O’Reilly. Who is this? The dean’s office? Well why are you calling me? My nephew what? Pot? Deweywho?Idon’thaveanephewgoodbye!

GRIFFITH hangs up.

DW
What happened?

GRIFFITH
That was the dean of his school. Dewey got busted in school for possession. How am I going to explain this to his parents?

DW
How’s his dumb ass going to make it through college, he cant even buy weed!

GRIFFITH
He’s fourteen! Give him a break!

DW
How are we going to get stoned? Call up the dean, say you’ll pick Dewey up and take his pot a way for them.

GRIFFITH
I’ve got MTV at home. Maybe they might have some ideas…

DW
Have you even watched television since 1990? MTV is for toddlers now! I’ve got a better idea, let’s just go down to liquor store, get a whole bunch of vodka and some redi-whip.

GRIFFITH
What’s the redi-whip for?

DW
Whippets.

GRIFFITH
What’s a whippet?

DW
It’s where you inhale the propellant in a whip-cream dispenser. Gets you buzzed for like, ten minutes. Twenty bottles should do us for a couple hours.

GRIFFITH
Won’t they know we’re trying to get high on whipped cream?

DW
We’ll say we’re baking a cake. Oh! We could get stoned and bake something!

GRIFFITH
I’m starting to think this not caring shit isn’t as cool as I’d hoped.

DW
Quit being a buzzkill!

GRIFFITH
What’s a buzzkill?

DW
Someone who kills a buzz.

DW lights a third cigarette.

GRIFFITH
Listen, if you want to sit around being an unlikable character and do nothing but look for pot all day, that’s one thing. But I just got my nephew busted, and I’m thinking, what good am I? Not caring is one thing, but huffing household cooking ingredients sounds like, well, just stupid. I’d rather sit around and not care at work, where at least I’d get paid for turning a blind eye to important shit. I’m leaving.

DW
Fine! Go! See if I care!

DW smokes three cigarettes, at once, down to the filter.

31 - Imaginary Ping-Pong Play

10.8.06
This performance is free. There is no charge. The audience members, who all had to do at least something to attend the performance, are ushered into a room filled with card chairs. When they have all taken their seats, the ushers hand them all ping-pong balls, in various colors. With the ping-pong balls, the audience members are also given sharpie markers. They are told to draw little faces on their ping-pong balls. When they are done, they are instructed to stand and place the ping-pong balls in their seats, facing the stage. When everyone is standing, the ushers escort them out of the room, and close the door. The ushers invite the audience to approach the door, to which they have their ears firmly pressed. Light sounds of drama and comedy are just barely audible from the doors. Nothing specific. The ushers tell the audience members to be quiet, they are trying to listen. They hope the ping-pong balls are enjoying the show. They ask the audience what they think the play is about. All of this is closely monitored. The audience collectively tells a story, the story they are missing right now because they’ve been locked out. If anyone, agitated or otherwise, asks to be allowed in to see the show, they are told they are not allowed, and are escorted out of the house entirely. What do they care? They didn’t pay for it!

CODA: ENTIRELY OPTIONAL

The audience at this time is either asked to leave, or asked to enter the performance space again. If they do enter the space, they are only allowed to interact with anyone using solely their ping-pong ball. They can tap the balls, or pretend to speak as the balls in a tiny high-pitched voice. When they have all taken their seats, a troupe of ACTORS with GIANT PING-PONG SMILEY HEADS re-enacts the play that the audience had previously imagined, complete with music and sound effects.

30

10.7.06

An older man in a nice suit approaches a desk with the day’s paper on it. He sits and makes himself comfortable.

ANCHOR
Are we ready? You ready? I’m ready. OK.

Somewhere from the back we hear a voice count down from five. The voice does not say two or one. The lights become brighter.

ANCHOR
Good evening…

The ANCHOR reads the headlining article of the day aloud to the audience. When he finishes, he takes a breath.

ANCHOR
We’ll be right back after a message from tonight’s sponsor.

The lights dim, and the ANCHOR silently stretches his jowls. From all around we are bombarded with the spirited and bubbly sounds of SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!. We are never sure what SUPER HAPPY FLAKES! are. Frequently during the ad, we hear a cow groaning as if it is being slaughtered. The commercial might be in another language. In any case, it goes something like this:

SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!
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SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!
MAKES YOU LAUGH TIL YOU GET THE SHAKES!
WE DO WHAT IT TAKES!
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WE DO WHAT IT TAKES FOR SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!

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“My life is meaningless without SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!”
Act now, and SUPER HAPPY FLAKES! will give you a free GIBBETBABY!
“GIBBETBABY! THIS IS THE GREATEST X-MAS EVER!”
SUPPORT OUR POOPS! (poop sound) SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!
SING ALONG!:
SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!
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FROM THE LAND OF FORTY LAKES!
WHAT EVER YOU MAKE!
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SPEND WHATEVER YOU MAKE ON SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!!

The lights brighten up again. Synthetic artificial trumpet and timpani fanfare now introduces the ANCHOR. The ANCHOR is now younger, more chiseled. Sitting next to him is an ANCHORWOMAN, early 30’s, rather attractive, who does not say a word. The ANCHOR picks up the paper.

ANCHOR
This just in…

The ANCHOR re-reads the same article, but now he injects the phrase “SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!” into every sentence. At first it is simply to cast a positive light on SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!. Soon, it is anywhere in the sentence where it might make at least a modicum of sense. After a while, the SUPER HAPPY FLAKES! intrusions become nonsensical and obscene. Eventually, the ANCHOR says nothing but SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!, though still in his anchorperson monotony.

ANCHOR
Alright, everybody. That’s FLAKES! for tonight. Wishing you all a SUPER HAPPY FLAKES! from SUPER HAPPY studios in SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!, I’m SUPER.

ANCHORWOMAN
And I’m FLAKES!

ANCHOR
Be HAPPY. Goodnight.

29

10.6.06

JO and a flatdaddy.

JO
This is stupid.
This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.
Why did mom give me this?
What, she thinks this is some replacement?
I’m supposed to pretend this is dad?
Does she expect me to talk to this thing?
I’m not gonna talk to this thing.
I’d rather talk to my dad.
In person.
Here.
Cheap piece of crap flatdaddy.
I want my three dimensional daddy.
3D and in the flesh.
You’re just a stupid piece of cardboard.

JO lights a cigarette.

JO
What are you looking at?
You gonna ground me?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Mom’s not home, flatdaddy.
Neither of you are gonna bust me.

JO takes a few drags.

JO
You want one?
No?
It’s probably bad for you anyway.
Might singe the cardboard.

Moments. Music. JO, cigarette in mouth, begins to dress up the flatdaddy. She puts lipstick and blush on it. She places a wig on its head and necklaces about its neck. She puts out her cigarette and hangs the flatdaddy on her wall. She kisses it, and the flatdaddy kisses her back on the cheek. Moments. Music stops.

JO
I love you dad.

28 - Les is More.

10.5.06
Rural Illinois. 1952.
Night time by the fire.
EUNICE and ROD, both knitting…
…and knitting…
Until:

ROD
I don’t think it’s quite sunk in yet.
Hasn’t sunk in at all.
The engagement.
Did you hear that, mum?
I said I don’t think the engagement has quite sunk in yet for me.

…more knitting…

EUNICE
I was a bit shocked, myself. Still, good news is good news.

ROD
Shocked doesn’t begin to describe. Shock was the least of my worries.

EUNICE
No worries, daddy, I’ve got the fiduciaries all in order.

ROD
That isn’t the least of it…

EUNICE
Maude will have a fine wedding, I’ll be certain of that.

…they knit some more.

EUNICE
Les will make a fine fiancée.

ROD
That’s just what worries me!

EUNICE
Nonsense. Seems like a perfectly balanced person. No physical or mental ailments. Good job. Everything going right upstairs. Seems upstanding.

ROD
I don’t know about that, mum. The whole thing seems fishy to me.

EUNICE
Now-now, let’s not poison the river before it gets dammed, shall we? Let’s keep it all blessings and no curses for now. A bit early to become those in-laws, you know.

ROD
I suppose…

…knitting, knitting, knitting…

ROD
I suppose you’re right.
Still it’s too bad…
…what with the grandbabies and all…
…too bad, too bad…

EUNICE
What’s too bad, daddy?

ROD
That we won’t be having grandbabies. At least not grandbabies of our own…

EUNICE
Now hush. Why would you be so negative. They most likely haven’t even had a chance to consummate. They aren’t even married yet! We’ll be having grandbabies, Rod, and I’ll tell you why: our daughter’s a looker. She’s a fine specimen.

ROD
I don’t think the problem is with her…

EUNICE
What, Les? The boy looks virile enough. Strapping. More so than you were at his age in any case… What makes you think he can’t pitch the old fastball?

ROD
That’s just the thing. I don’t think Leslie can pitch any fastballs.

EUNICE
You speak from experience?

ROD
No, but…

EUNICE
Then how would you know?

Knitting helps ROD ease the mounting tension. Until:

ROD
I don’t think Leslie has a penis.

EUNICE
Have you been taking your pills? All of them? On time?

ROD
Yes. Aside from the blue pill for noon on Friday, I’ve been keeping up to date.

EUNICE
Then why would you ever say such a thing? Simply uncalled for.

Knitting…

EUNICE
I have half a mind to tell the old boy you said that myself. Have a good laugh. Bond with Leslie a bit. We’ll all smoke a cigar. That’s it! I’ll wait ‘til we’re in the maternity ward, looking at the newest little cubs. Then you’ll hand the boy a cigar, tell him what you said and we’ll all have a good laugh. “Les” I’ll say “Les, to think my husband doubted you.”

ROD
I’m simply saying, that after careful examination, it would seem to me, in my limited knowledge, that Leslie is in fact a woman.

EUNICE
Nonsense. With a handshake like that?

ROD
My great auntie Louisa could crush a cantaloupe in the palm of her hand.

A resumption of knitting.

EUNICE
But he was wearing a flannel shirt, and his hair was so closely cropped. And he was hairy, on the arms and a bit on the lip. We talked about other women we dated while you two were washing dishes. He’s a man, ROD, after all, he’s engaged to our daughter.

ROD
Engaged to our daughter…

EUNICE
That’s what I said. Les is engaged to our daughter…
Les is engaged to our daughter…
Engaged…

ROD
Uh-huh. Now you see my concern.

EUNICE
It can’t be. It’s just not possible.

ROD
Oh, it’s very possible.

A cessation of knitting altogether.

EUNICE
But Maude is a fine looking gal. She’s quite the looker!

ROD
I suppose that’s what attracted Leslie in the first place.

EUNICE
She could have any man she wanted. Why if I wasn’t her mother, I’d-

ROD
Careful…

EUNICE
I’m just saying she could have any man she wanted. Why would she want Leslie?

ROD
Maybe because she’s strapping.

EUNICE
She isn’t strapping…

ROD
You said so yourself.

EUNICE
She’s not strapping! Women are incapable of being strapping!

ROD
Well…we’ve established that Leslie is a woman, and I think she’s rather strapping.

EUNICE
This doesn’t disturb you at all?

ROD
Well, no, but…

EUNICE
It doesn’t disturb you that our daughter is a sodomite?

ROD
Technically I don’t think this makes her a sodomite.

EUNICE
Technically? What would you know, technically? You work at a bank!
Technically…
I’m calling her up. I’m calling her right now!

ROD
It’s a five-hour drive back to Kentucky. They aren’t even half way there, yet.

EUNICE
Why don’t you have a problem with this?

ROD
I do! I do…and I don’t. I just want grandbabies is all.

EUNICE
Well, you certainly aren’t getting those…

ROD
Well, that’s my only concern.

A resumption of knitting by EUNICE.

ROD
I was knitting little stockings.

EUNICE
So was I.

ROD
Seems pointless now.

EUNICE
I’m turning mine into a scarf.

ROD
Mine were almost done…

Again, the knitting stops.

EUNICE
How do you suppose they…how…

ROD
I imagine they use their hands or mouths or maybe a fake penis-

EUNICE
NO! No. Don’t be disgusting! I was asking how they met!

ROD
Maude said they met in Louisville. At a baseball game. She said they struck up a conversation that lasted the whole game, and then Les walked her all the way to 3rd street and up the stairs and gave her a kiss goodnight. She said that was less than a year ago.

EUNICE
How long do you suppose they’ve been engaged?

ROD
I don’t know, Eunice, I’d like to believe Maude would tell us right away…

EUNICE
Yes, but, guilt has always dissuaded our daughter from coming right forth with the truth.

ROD
I’d like to believe Maude would tell us right away.

EUNICE
Not with a thing like that to hide. Is it even legal?

ROD
I don’t see how you could enforce a law against it.

EUNICE
I mean the marriage. The engagement. Is it legal for two women to marry?

ROD
I haven’t heard to the contrary.

EUNICE
Not yet at least.

ROD
I certainly hope not ever.

EUNICE
What about the grandbabies?

ROD
Well…I suppose I could get over the grandbabies if I knew our Maude was happy. How she lives her life is her business. And who’s to say they couldn’t adopt?

EUNICE
Now that’s just disgusting.

ROD
What’s so disgusting about it?

EUNICE
Being raised that way. I mean, no offense to you, but a child should be raised with a father. Two women in love have no business rearing a child together. If Maude wants to have a baby she’d better get a man in the house post haste.

ROD
My great auntie Louisa and my mother did a fine job of raising me. We don’t even know if they want to have children. There is a positive way of looking at this, Eunice. All we know is they’re in love. While it troubles me, yes, I feel as though it shouldn’t. I don’t think it should really pull me either way. As long as they are happy together, I think we got more than we could ask for in this world.

Sighs. EUNICE stands up.

EUNICE
Well I’m not convinced. And I don’t think you are completely either. And I’m not done being angry or frustrated with our daughter. And I’m not sure I’ll ever understand them or their “love.” What burns me up, Rod, what really burns me up, is that I don’t think it really matters how we feel. I guess our opinions are irrelevant, really. They’re gonna do it anyway, we might as well give them our blessing.

ROD
You don’t give a blessing because you’re out of options, Eunice…

EUNICE
No, you’re right. We give our blessing out of love.

27

10.4.06

Lights up on:

A TABLE.

Upon which:

OLD USED LIPSTICK

A GREEN APPLE

PRESERVED VALENTINES

A SPANISH/ENGLISH DICTIONARY

These items converse. Then:

LIPSTICK MAKES THE APPLE WEEP.

THE VALENTINES AREN’T IN SPANISH.

THE TABLE BECOMES A BED.

LIPTSTICK AND APPLE MAKE LOVE.

THE DICTIONARY EATS THE VALENTINES.

Music. The BED speaks:

BED
I’ve seen it all before.

Smoke, as:

LIPSTICK AND APPLE LIGHT CIGARETTES.

THE DICTIONARY IMMOLATES ITSELF.

THE FIRE SPREADS.

Music. The BED says its last words:

BED
I’ve (seen/had) it all before.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.

26

10.3.06
for ivan the terrible
A LIFE RAFT, tattered, at sea. Writing…

VOYAGEUR
Day 26. I still am lost at sea.
Without a drop of water left to drink,
I doubt that I will live much longer now.
Some sharks have started at surrounding me,
If I dive in the end comes soon I think.
If I linger longer: what good is that?

Thinking of Martha.
Thinking of George.
Thinking of gogo and didi.

Last words.

I’m not thirsty anymore.
Boredom is the greater threat.
Regret, too, is sinking in.
Chagrin at how I spent my time.

This is my last sheet of paper.

On back of all the 25 entries,
I’ve scrawled a drawing or illustration.
The first was of the ship’s large broken bow.
Perhaps after twenty-five centuries
The bottles will wash up in some nation
And tell the viewer of my sorry fate.

And hang them on a wall,
Hang 25 and all
Together.

Last words?

What should be my last drawing?

Will anyone ever even see it?

There’s great art in the pity of this end.
The fact that I will never live to be.
The heights one reaches when one falls so low!
Here I am, alone, without any friends,
And making work of finer quality
Then ever I have before. So I think.

So I sink.
Lower.
Art.

Last words…

Bosh.

Fuck this, the last words I would ever say?
“I’d trade art for food and drink any day.”

25

10.2.06
The AUDIENCE is given a program with a libretto. There are no instructions, simply the text that is provided below. They are asked to leave their seats, but to leave articles and objects behind that will make them recognize which seat belonged to whom. The USHERS guide the AUDIENCE to the stage, facing the empty seats, as gently as though they were old and feeble. If audience members refuse to participate, or refuse to leave their seats, the USHERS inform the rest of the AUDIENCE members that the event cannot continue until the dissenters leave or join the group. The USHERS then tell the audience to perform the libretto however they would like to. They are encouraged to sing, shout, whisper, etc., in unison, but they are asked to stay relatively still and face the empty seats. They do not realize that their librettos do not match up. Nor do they realize that there is a camera hidden in the back of the house, taping their impromptu performance. The USHERS count to three, and the reading begins.

LIBRETTO A
We are capable of a great imagination. Even our breath means something to us. We ascribe meaning to words, but words are just sounds. What does that even mean?

We are all speaking together, but we’re making different sounds. So we are speaking different languages. We’re doing the same moves to a different dance.

The problem is, we are all participating. We can’t remove ourselves from this conversation without taking ourselves out of the equation entirely. We aren’t a part of something we merely observe. In order to truly listen, we have to be able to interject.

Of course this could all just be nonsense. There’s no way to tell when there isn’t a story.

B LIBRETTO
We are capable of a great imagination. Even our death means something to us. We ascribe meaning to words, when words are just sounds. Mean even that does what?

We are all squeaking together, but we’re taking different sounds. So we are squeaking different languages. We’re moving the same grooves to a different dance.

The problem is, we are all farticipating. We shan’t remove ourselves from this mortal coil without letting people get away with stuff they shouldn’t be allowed to get away with in the first place. We have to do something! We can’t just sit idly by while the world goes crazy and everything we hold dear is destroyed! Look at us! What are we even doing here? We’re supposed to be in our seats! This isn’t what we came here for! What good are we if we just stand here and do what we’re told, in spite of the fact that we know that it’s wrong! IT’S ALL WRONG!

LI3RETTO
We are capable of a great imagination. CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP. What does that even mean?

squeeeeeeek squeek-squeek. Squeaky squeaky squeek squeeeeeeek. Squeeky squeaky.
Electric. Hey! Twist… Slide. Macarena!

Shhhhhhh. Shhhhhhhhhhhh. Shh…..shhh……
SHUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Pop pop pop poppoppoppoppop pop pop
Pop pop poppop pop pop pop pop pop pop
BOOM!
BOOM!
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeBOOM
KA-BOOM!
BOOM BOOM BOOOM!

Thank you all for participating in our mad little scheme. The rest of you may now take your seats. Please take your seats. Take your seats. We will continue asking you to take your seats until everyone who isn’t speaking has taken their seat. Take your seats. Please take your seats so that we might move on. Ok. Thank you. What you didn’t realize was that we were plotting against you all along! We all met before tonight’s event to discuss ways to make you do our bidding. Our little plan worked. Hah hah hah.

Soon we too will return to our seats to view the fruits of our earlier labors. You see, we had cohorts in other audiences as well, and they conned other audiences to do the same as we. In the back of the space, one of our operatives have hidden a camera. In a moment, we will watch surveillance from another earlier experiment. A moment of warning, your video will be shown to the next audience. After that time, it will be destroyed. Thank you.

The USHERS inform the last AUDIENCE members that they may now sit. When they are situated, the “Video” from the “previous show” is played. The “AUDIENCE” from the video speaks”

“AUDIENCE”
We are actually not the previous audience. We are actually the audience from the next performance. We are the audience of the fuuuuuuuuuuture. Ooooooooooooooooh. The fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuture. You should ask us what lottery numbers to play.

We have intercepted this transmission for a purpose. We too accidentally peered into the FUTURE while performing this piece. We were shown a video, with another audience from an entirely different performance, days after our own. It appears, according to them, that a major catastrophe is going to take place. THE FUTURE NEEDS YOUR HELP!

The USHERS begin to appear visibly frightened. They “have no idea what is going on.” “This has never happened before.”

“AUDIENCE”
They were told by yet another audience, who was told by another audience that someone in this event would single-handedly destroy the world. They said that this message should be passed on from audience to audience until it reached your audience. They said you would know it was your audience because someone sitting near the front would be wearing a t-shirt that says “COME ON FEEL THE ILLINOISE” and would stand up and say “holy crap, that’s me!”

While they say this, an “Audience member wearing the aforementioned t-shirt stands up and says ‘holy crap, that’s me!”

“AUDIENCE”
This is not the person who will destroy the world. We have no description of this person to give to you. Only the fact that that person exists among your ranks. Stop them at all costs! The fate of the world rests in your collective hands.

The “video” cuts out. The USHERS look confused as to what they should do next.

24 - a cliche-riddled ROUGH ROUGH draft of CLOWNTOPIA

10.1.06
An ACTUAL parking lot. The audience arrives and is guided by ushers, who go out of their way to be friendly and accommodating. Eventually, when the entire audience arrives, they are made to wait for five to ten minutes. During this time, the ushers reassure the audience, and mention slight technical “irregularities.” They make comments about how “these sorts of things do not always go as planned” and “if you wanted something unconventional, you got it” etc. They might also talk about previous “incidents” they have been involved in, and how this experience is “by far the safest so far.” One of the ushers becomes angry and frustrated, and decides to go back to “HQ” to figure it out. While this usher leaves, another usher nervously addresses the audience:

USHER
Right, well, if I might have your attention, please, please can I have your attention. Ok. Well, my colleague is heading back to HQ to find out what the matter is. It shouldn’t be more than a few moments. I again apologize for the inconvenience, the experience should commence shortly. Thanks again, and I’m sorry.

After addressing the audience, the remaining ushers whisper to each other, and act surprised and saddened by what they’ve heard. They leak to the audience (although they “aren’t supposed to”) that there has been an “incident with the car” and that tonight’s performance might be cancelled. When asked what the performance was going to be, they say that “they shouldn’t spoil the surprise” and that it “had a lot of potential.” They say other test audiences in other countries “got the full effect, and it was wonderful” and that “it was something really special.” One usher, the lone dissenter, secretly intimates to everyone that “it wasn’t that great” and that they “prefer the more straightforward” kind of thing. From the beginning, they have been referring to people involved in the program as “clowns.” As the event progresses, this agitator becomes increasingly outspoken as to their discontent with the project. Finally the usher returns from “HQ” looking dejected and a bit shaken up. After speaking with several other ushers, usher from HQ addresses the growing concern among the crowd.

HQ USHER
Ok, so I’ve just gotten back from HQ, and I’m afraid that through negligence on our part tonight’s event cannot go any further. I’m afraid that some necessities have been neglected, and that as a result several participants have been gravely wounded. They will be in our prayers as I hope they are in yours, and we only hope that-

MALCONTENT USHER
That’s it, now you guys have done it.

HQ USHER
We only hope that they are back on their feet-

MALCONTENT USHER
Ok, ok, no, why don’t you just tell them the truth, right? Ok? This was never safe-

USHER
Shut up, _____, knock it off!

MALCONTENT USHER
No, I said this would happen all through tech didn’t I?

HQ USHER
ALRIGHT, LETS JUST ESCORT THESE PEOPLE BACK, SHALL WE? THANK YOU. Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please just follow the ushers back to HQ, we will fully refund you for your time, thank you for your patience and goodnight.

The ushers begin to escort everyone back the “HQ” while arguing about the feasibility and safety of the program as planned. They refer back to “incidents” in the past and times when “nothing went right” and the malcontent starts calling everyone a bunch of “clowns” including members of the audience. Somewhere between this and the return back to “HQ” various bloodied clowns writhe on the ground. Some are clearly dead. Others are not so lucky. The ushers do not notice at all, even when audience members point out the wounded clowns to them. The degree of gore and the number of bloodied clowns increases as the audience nears “HQ.” The only usher who acknowledges that the clowns exist at all is the malcontent, but that the clowns are “less important.” “The bigger issue” according the malcontent is that “these guys screwed up” and that it’s “all their fault.” The malcontent continues on this diatribe until, moments before everyone reaches “HQ,” a team of “kidnappers” violently pie and steal the malcontent. As the audience cross the entrance to “HQ” they are greeted by “the General” who sports a red nose. “HQ” has been bombed out since the audience last set foot within. The ushers become “Soldiers” after everyone has entered, and the General addresses the audience:

THE GENERAL
Greetings everyone. I apologize in advance for the extenuating circumstances. Do we have everyone here? Did we do a headcount?

A SOLDIER
Yes, sir. All here and accounted for, sir.

THE GENERAL
Excellent. I’m sure you’re all looking for an explanation. Unfortunately our evidence is classified at the moment, and I will not be sharing it with you until I hear otherwise. Needless to say, we are reasonably safe where we are at this moment. Now, it is my duty to inform you that you are all under arrest. The charges are classified, so don’t ask.

Distant small bombs are heard lightly from outside. Occasionally a scream or a clown laugh accompanies. The General continues.

THE GENERAL
If you all cooperate as asked, we will have you processed and questioned swiftly. Those who do not comply will be punished just as quickly. Now, who came here together? Raise your hands. Raise your hands and point to the people you arrived with.

A SOLDIER
RAISE YOUR HANDS, MIMES! RAISE THEM UP!

When people raise their hands and indicate who they are with, they are separated indiscriminately. While this takes place:

THE GENERAL
I want even groups. Squeakers on one side, potential mimes on the other. If you traveled with a mime, but are not a mime yourself, report your mime immediately. Mime sympathizers will not be tolerated, but pardons are available for those who aid in the war effort. Clowns, I apologize, we’ll have this all sorted out soon enough.

A SOLDIER
WE’VE GOT ONE! WE GOT A MIME, SIR!

A member of the audience has been a mime all along! The Mime is dragged out in front of the General, while the soldiers shout epithets at the Mime. The General silences them in an instant.

THE GENERAL
Now, see what I mean? They’re everywhere. Yeah, yeah. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a mime. The most hated breed of scum the planet has ever known. Don’t feel bad for this one. Their white faces and painted teardrops are all a show. We just had a whole convoy of clown cars blown up by these mute bastards. You know how many clowns to a clown car? Ten. You know how many clown cars to a convoy? Fifty. Five hundred clowns. Half of them are dead. The other half wish they were. They don’t have emotions, feelings. It’s all painted on. Beneath are the most vicious and vile terrorists you’ve ever known. ANY MORE AMONG YOU? ANY MORE? What about you, Mime? You see any of your friends in the crowd? ANYBODY YOU KNOW? Figures I’d get the silent treatment from this one. Maybe you won’t be so quiet if we put you in THE BOX!

The soldiers chant “BOX BOX BOX BOX” as the Mime cowers in fear. The General cracks an imaginary whip at the Mime. Another soldier throws an imaginary rock. The Mime is clearly in pain, but remains silent. The General quells the violence.

THE GENERAL
Are you gonna talk? WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS? There must be more of you. ARE YOU GOING TO TALK? Where are your friends. WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS?

The Mime becomes defiant.

THE GENERAL
Bring out the box.

The soldiers chant again as two bring out an imaginary box. They place it beside the Mime and forcibly display how “small” and “hard” it is. One soldier squirts the Mime with a trick flower.

THE GENERAL
One last chance. Talk now or you get the box.
Not gonna talk?
PUT THE MIME IN THE BOX!

The soldiers “put the box” on top of the Mime, who silently screams while trying to escape in vain.

THE GENERAL
They hate the box. HATE IT. Look at it squirm. Maybe this one is a bit too small. Any of you out there a mime? A mime sympathizer? I hope not. For your sake. LIFT THE BOX!

The soldiers “lift the box” and “tie a rope” around the Mime’s neck. One soldier “carries a weight” over to the Mime and “drops it” on the Mime’s foot. The soldiers then force the Mime to “pick up the weight” and they “pull the Mime by the neck” out of “HQ.”

A SOLDIER
What methods of interrogation would you like sir?

THE GENERAL
We’re not getting anything out of that one. Still, see if you can’t loose its tongue.

A SOLDIER
YES SIR!

The soldier exits and the General begins to pace. Every few steps in front of the “suspected mimes” he stops and smiles.

THE GENERAL
Like pies, any of you? How about daisies? Rainbows? Funny pants?

Screams from outside. The bombs get a bit closer.

THE GENERAL
It’s talking now. Any of you want to make it easier on yourselves? We could paint a smile on your face. Make you one of us. Squeak your nose. It makes me a sad clown when you people refuse. It makes me a sad, sad crying clown when you don’t talk.

A soldier enters with a bloody tongue wrapped in a funny handkerchief. The General holds it up for all to see.

THE GENERAL
THIS IS WHAT WE DO TO MIMES HERE. THIS IS WHAT WE DO TO MIME SYMPATHIZERS? Don’t want to talk? You’ll never speak again. Want a better life? Then SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELVES! The situation is simpler than-

AN ENORMOUS BOMB WRECKS “HQ.” The lights cut out. After the cataclysm ends, there are a few moments of silence, followed by coughs. Two soldiers move in the dark.

CAPTAIN WAMMY
…floppy? Floppy are you there? Floppy is that you?

FLOPPY
…I’m here…I’m hurt bad…

CAPTAIN WAMMY
…is Wigglebottom near you? Is Wigglebottom ok?

FLOPPY
I thought you were Wigglebottom…

CAPTAIN WAMMY
No, this is Captain Wammy…WIGGLEBOTTOM? WIGGLEBOTTOM, ARE YOU OK? …Floppy, what happened?

FLOPPY
Helium bomb. Must have been friendly fire. Captain Wammy, I’m hurt bad…I don’t think I’m going to make it…My nose is missing…

CAPTAIN WAMMY
I can’t move, Floppy. Floppy, I think my legs are gone. I can’t feel my big shoes…

FLOPPY
…I’m bleeeeeding…

CAPTAIN WAMMY
…Floppy…Floppy, I got to tell you something…

FLOPPY
…What is it, Captain…?

CAPTAIN WAMMY
…I…I…I never thought you were funny…

FLOPPY
…I’m dying! I’m lying here dying and you tell me that? I should…I…*

CAPTAIN WAMMY
I’m sorry…I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest. I was tired of keeping up the front…tired of the painted smile and all the lies…I never liked you Floppy…I don’t care if it’s the last thing you’ll ever hear. I always thought you were as laughy as a bag full of weasels…do you hear me Floppy? Floppy? … You still there? FLOPPY! … FLOPPY! …WIGGLEBOTTOM? …lucky bastards…lucky smiley-faced bastards. I always knew I would die alone. Damned General with his “plans.” Damned war. DAMNED MIMES*

Captain Wammy coughs chokes and slowly dies. Ten moments of silence. The lights slowly come up to reveal a massacre of clowns, bloodied, pied and ruined by war with the Mimes. All lie motionless. Nothing is said. Spooky, zany organ music pipes in. Mimes enter with appetizer trays and shots of whiskey, which they sell to the audience. They never speak. None of the cast speaks. The dead remain dead until the last audience member has left.