115

1.1.07

A LARGE BIRTHDAY CAKE
Including the following:
2007 candles (though perhaps more representational than literal)
The phrase “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”

A team of crack musicians and singers perform:
THE BIRTHDAY SONG
(Note: as a result, no tickets may be sold to the performance)
TO
“JULIAN CALENDAR”

The song should go something like this.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIAN CALENDAR
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

JULIAN CALENDAR appears and blows out all of the candles.

The CAKE is served WITH MILK AND SOYMILK to the audience AT NO EXPENSE.
JULIAN CALENDAR hobnobs with audience members as they all share slices of cake.
JULIAN CALENDAR may accept gifts, but it is not encouraged.

ALL may participate in various games of BOZO BUCKETS, PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY, PIÑATA, etc.

Those who stay later are invited to sit in a circle in the dark, perhaps under a makeshift tent.
They exchange scary stories while passing around a flashlight.
They eat s’mores.

They sleep over.

JULIAN CALENDAR wets the bed.

In the morning, they go back to their respective homes.

114

12.31.06

MUSIC.
BALLERINAS ENTER ONE BY ONE, CARRYING:
A BOMB.
A GUN.
LANDMINES.
A PILE OF MONEY.
COCAINE.
FATIGUES OF DIFFERENT NATIONS.
AN IPOD.
A BIOHAZARD CONTAINER (CONTAINING URANIUM).
A TELEVISION.
A GAS CAN.
A PICTURE OF KISSINGER.
THE HEAD BALLERINA ENTERS WITH A LARGE BOX.
ONE BY ONE THE BALLERINAS TOSS THEIR ITEMS IN THE BOX.
WHEN THEY ARE DONE, THEY FILL THE BOX WITH PACKING PEANUTS AND SEAL IT WITH SHIPPING TAPE.
THE LEAD BALLERINA ADDRESS IT IN BIG BLACK LETTERS:
TO: THE WORLD
FROM: THE YEAR 2006
THE LEAD BALLERINA ENLISTS THE AID OF THE OTHER BALLERINAS IN PUSHING THE BOX OFFSTAGE. WHEN THEY ARE NO LONGER SEEN, THE BOX EXPLODES OFSTAGE SENDING A HAIL OF BALLERINA PARTS ON TO THE STAGE.

113 - THE HUMAN CLOCK

12.30.06

THE HUMAN CLOCK – for 14 players

Twelve people sit in clock formation (1-12)
When their hour comes up, they stand for the full hour.
(“HOUR HAND” is the person whose job it is to politely inform each particular person that it is their turn to stand.)

Meanwhile, a waltz is played at 120 beats per minute.
Every five minutes, the waltz changes.
(“MINUTE HAND” is the person whose job it is to dance the waltz for hours on end.)

“MINUTE HAND” dances the waltz in a counterclockwise path throughout our friends in clock formation.
Every 40 bars in the music, “MINUTE HAND” takes a step throughout the circle’s circumference, waltzing alone.
When “MINUE HAND” reaches one of our friends in clock formation, they waltz together for 40 beats.

“MINUTE HAND” only must waltz for one hour, after which time they become 11:00, and 12:00 becomes “MINUTE HAND”
The rest of our friends in clock formation adjust seats in counterclockwise formation.
“HOUR HAND” is placed in the center of the clock, keeping track of the music, as well as the personal needs of all other clock parts.

112 - Thunder/Flash

12.29.06

A soldier enters.
The soldier is surprised.
The soldier looks at the audience with disdain.

SOLDIER
Thunder.

The soldier raises a weapon.

SOLDIER
Thunder.

The soldier looks to see if anyone else is around.

SOLDIER
THUNDER.

The soldier levels the weapon.

SOLDIER
Thunder, thunderthunderthunderthunderthunder-

The soldier fires the weapon.

A CHORUS
Flash!

Money falls from the sky.
The soldier doesn’t like the touch or smell of it.
A CHORUS of black suits with red ties performs a ballet collecting the money from the air and the sky.
They sing “Flash” in many different melodies.

SOLDIER
Thunder?
THUNDER?
THUNDER!

The SOLDIER picks them off, one by one.

SOLDIER
THUNDER!?

The soldier fires again and again.

111

12.28.06

STOMP

STOMP

STOMP

STOMP

CLAP

STOMP STOMP

CLAP

STOMP

CLAP

STOMPSTOMP

STOMP

STOMP

CLAP
“GET SERIOUS”
STOMP

CLAP
“GET SERIOUS”
STOMP
“RIGHT NOW”
CLAP

STOMPSTOMP
“GET SERIOUS”
STOMP
“RIGHT NOW”
CLAP

“Get serious people, because there’s a whole lot out there to be serious about.”

110

12.27.06

PARIS, on her cellphone. Perhaps a small dog in tow.

PARIS
Whatever. I don’t even give a shit anymore. …I hear you. …no, I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t care. …who cares? …well, I know you cares, but I mean who really cares…no, you matter…god, why are you being so high-maintenance?...yeah, you are. You totally are. Ok, fuck this, let me tell you something. No you hear me out, Lindsay, because I’ll tell you, I am worth fifty fucking times your fat ass’ weight in gold, alright. More than that even, so shut the fuck up and listen to me.
You’re not my little charity case anymore. You aren’t. Cause if I wanted charity, I could just fly to Africa and buy a million babies, you know? There are a million little African or Chinese babies who’d love to eat 4,000 dollar meals and set the fashion trends for the rest of the world. Do you know what it’s like to be a little African baby these days? No. How could you? Well I’m telling you, it’s not nearly as sweet as clubbing with the girls and tanning and shit. They have real problems. …The little African babies. Most of them have AIDS, you know that? And in some places in South Africa, there are people who believe that if you have sex with a virgin baby, your AIDS will go away. So there are all these slutty little babies starving to death with AIDS in Africa right now, and you are pretending like any goddamn bitching you do means anything to me.
…yeah, it’s true. Benicio told Scarlett who told Britney who told me about it. I don’t know who told Benicio, I’m guessing Sean Penn or George Clooney or some other whiny loser. The point is I don’t care if you think you’re doing too much coke, your coke problem sounds like the world’s smallest violin to me right now, and I’d rather you be my friend and entertain me like I you used to.
…that’s exactly right…uh-huh…I don’t hang out with people to look good, people look good because they hang out with me…That’s one reason I keep you around…yeah, because you used to be a pet project of mine, but now you sound like a whiny little mallrat…There are 5 billion other things going wrong on the planet right now, so I’d rather pay people like you to distract me…You only matter as much as you can keep me smiling, babe, and you knew that coming into this arrangement…Lindsay, right now my dog is worth more than you are…because my dog keeps me entertained, and to be honest, my dog has been in better movies than you have lately…if you’re so offended by what I have to say, why don’t you just hang up?
…hello?
…hello-o?
Bitch just hung up on me.

109

12.26.06

Detritus everywhere.
Wrapping paper.
Empty boxes with flashy colors.
Plastic.
Batteries.
Garland hanging from the walls.
Christmas lights with missing bulbs.
KID sitting in a corner, head in knees, crying alone.

ADULT
What’s the matter?
Hey what’s the matter?
Why are you crying?
Hey, why are you so upset?

Look around.
Look around you, you should be happy.
Look at all this great stuff.

You got nice things.
You got some nice new toys.
You’ve got all this stuff.
You’ve got no reason to be so upset.

Can you hear?
Can you hear what I’m saying?
Do you understand?

What’s the matter?
Hey, what’s wrong?
Tell me why you’re crying-

KID
I DIDN’T GET WHAT I WANT!

108 - CHA-CHA of Endurance and THE SECRET PLAY

12.25.06

A CHA-CHA line snakes in and out. The line is such that it seems never ending. Many of its participants where funny costumes or masks. The audience is invited to join. The CHA-CHA becomes a marathon to see who can CHA-CHA the longest. The winner(s) from the audience get treated to a special prize:

THE SECRET PLAY

The players involved in the CHA-CHA of ENDURANCE, assemble what remains of the audience in a roughly conventional theatre space (perhaps sitting on the floor?) Then, after a moment which cleanses the space of all energy relating to the CHA-CHA, the play begins.

Enter C(h)OURT, naked.

C(h)OURT
ONE FULL YEAR OF REVELS! IT HAS BEEN ONE YEAR FULL OF JOY, LAUGHTER, TERROR AND EMOTION! A YEAR WITHOUT WAR, A YEAR OF ENTERTAINMENT. ONE FULL YEAR OF REVELS!
Alas…this cannot last forever!
QUIET! YOU’LL JINX THE REST OF US!
But the Emperor’s promise! The Emperor promised us happiness on one condition!
YES! WE KNOW! THE EMPEROR MUST NOT WEAR THE SAME CLOTHES TWICE! NOT TO WORRY, THERE’S STILL MORE EXCITEMENT TO BE HAD!
I hear rumors that the Emperor’s closet is running out of fresh fashions!
HE’S THE EMPEROR! HIS CLOSET IS A NEVERENDING CHASM!
Filled with plenty of dark secrets is what I heard!
WE’RE PREPARED TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY, SO LONG AS OUR DAYS ARE HAPPY AND BRIGHT!
I heard stories he’s dishonest, and goes back on his promises!
SUCH WORDS HAVE BEEN FLOATING ABOUT…!
I heard the Emperor steals from the poor and gives to the rich!
YOU’RE RICH, WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING?
I heard that the Emperor is a pervert!
DO TELL!
Wait! Here comes the Emperor now!
MARVEL AT HIS ADORNMENTS!

Fanfare. The EMPEROR enters, dressed in gorgeous attire.

C(h)OURT
ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY EMPEROR! LORD OF OUR HEARTS AND MINDS!

EMPEROR
Yes, hmm, indeed. How do you like my new digs, ladies and germs?

C(h)OURT
They’re lovely!
They’re radical!
They’re perfect!
THEY’RE TOTALLY “YOU”!

EMPEROR
“Me?” Well that can’t be such a good thing. I guess I’m starting to repeat myself…

C(h)OURT
NO, NOT AT ALL, WE’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE!

EMPEROR
Really? Well I suppose our festivities can continue, ta-ta for now.

C(h)OURT
TTFN, BIG E!
Stay mighty!
Stay cool!
KEEP UP THE VARIETY!

The EMPEROR exits.

C(h)OURT
Did you see that?
It’s awful!
It’s dreadfully lame!
THOSE CLOTHES LOOKED NOTHING NEW, THEY WERE ALL THE SAME!
I’m beginning to have doubts about our Emperor…
SHH! QUIET YOU FOOL! THE WALLS HAVE EARS THE FLOORS HAVE EYES AND THE CEILING SMELLS YOU!
I’m just saying, he’s beginning to repeat himself!
DON’T REMIND US!
WE HAVE YET NO REASON TO FEAR. WE’VE TWELVE HOURS UNTIL THE NEW DAY, AND THE EMPEROR WILL SURELY SURPRISE US TO OUR HEART’S DELIGHT!
How long have we left?
12 HOURS!
How long?
11 HOURS!
Wait, how long?
7 HOURS!
7 hours is not that long!
NEITHER IS FIVE!
We only have five hours??
NO, WE HAVE THREE!
When is the Emperor due to arrive?
ANY MOMENT NOW – HERE HE COMES!

Fanfare. Enter the EMPEROR in a similar attire.

C(h)OURT
HAIL THE MIGHTY EMPEROR – THE BEST ONE FOR THE JOB!

EMPEROR
My people…my people. What do you think of the new garb?

C(h)OURT
It’s…grand!
It’s…splendiferous…!
It’s…punctual…?

EMPEROR
Is there something wrong my people? Do you find some fault in my attire?

C(h)OURT
WHAT? US? NO…
LOOKS AS FRESH AND DIFFERENT AS A NEW WHART IN JUNE!

EMPEROR
AWhaaaat?

C(h)OURT
Perhaps, your Excellency, what we wish to, that is, what we should say in truth is…
WE’VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE!

EMPEROR
HOSH! MOOPBARK! FOLLYWADDLE!

C(h)OURT
PLEASE HAVE MERCY!

EMPEROR
What good would that do? All I seek is your love and approval, and all I do is fall short!

C(h)OURT
PERHAPS IT IS WE WHO HAVE ERRED. PERHAPS OUR IMAGINATIONS ARE NOT FIT ENOUGH TO BEND AND LIFT THE WEIGHT OF YOUR FASHION GENIUS! PERHAPS OUR IMAGINATIONS REQUIRE SOME EXCERCISE!

EMPEROR
Exercise you say… well then. I’ll give this empire one more day to produce a cloth so rare it deserves the peace of our day. UNTIL THEN I AM OFF!

Exit EMPEROR.

C(h)OURT
PHEW! THAT WAS CLOSE!
How close?
TOO CLOSE!
So what do we do? He’s got but one more spin of the Earth to come up with something new, otherwise he’ll destroy his entire court! And that means us!
HOW CAN HE EVEN DO THAT?
Do you want to find out?
NO!
So don’t bother asking.
WE HAVE PUT OUR FATES IN THE HANDS OF FASHION! THE RISE AND FALL OF OUR PEOPLE DEPENDS SOLELY UPON THE WHIMS OF TAILORS! NOW IT STANDS THAT THE ONLY WAY FOR US TO SURVIVE IS TO LIE AND SAY WE LIKE IT ALL! OUR SURVIVAL DEPENDS ON OUR COLLECTIVE DISHONESTY!

Enter the EMPEROR, naked. No one notices at first.

C(h)OURT
THE VERY WORST OF IT IS THAT THE FASHIONS ARE NEVER EVEN ALL THAT GREAT? WOULD YOU EVER WEAR THAT? I CERTAINLY WOULDN’T! WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO AN INDIVIDUAL SENSE OF TASTE? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO-
Is that the Emperor?
IT COULDN’T BE…
He’s naked!
IT’S NOT THE EMPEROR! THE EMPEROR WEARS CLOTHES!
Uh, well he certainly isn’t now…
WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE SAY? WHAT IF IT IS HIM?

EMPEROR
It is indeed…

C(h)OURT
EEP!
Your Eminence, we weren’t expecting you so soon!

EMPEROR
What do you think of the new digs?

C(h)OURT
What digs?
SHUSH! YOU LOOK FABULOUS!

EMPEROR
You sure? You don’t think it leaves too much to the imagination, do you?

C(h)OURT
CERTAINLY NOT! WHY THESE ARE THE FINEST THREADS WE’VE EVER SEEN YOU WEAR? WHERE DID YOU GET THAT LOVELY…FABRIC?

EMPEROR
Oh, well you know, I had it lying around.

C(h)OURT
He’s gone stark raving mad!
QUIET! EMPEROR, YOU WEAR THAT STYLE BETTER THAN ANY OF US EVER COULD! DID YOU GET THAT SUIT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He’s naked! He’s completely naked!

EMPEROR
I’m wearing the empires most opulent threads…

C(h)OURT
This is ridiculous! You aren’t wearing anything! You’re just pretending to, and everyone’s buying into it! Why aren’t you people saying anything? Why are you putting up with this crap? You’re all responsible for a big fat lie! Well I’m not buying what you’re selling! I’m going to tell the world that the Emperor has no clothes!

EMPEROR
What do you have to say to that, my people?

C(h)OURT
WE DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT! YOU LOOK GORGEOUS, BETTER THAN A BILLION BUCKS! YOU SHOULD WEAR THAT ENSEMBLE MORE OFTEN, THOUGH MAYBE IT’S MORE OF A SUMMER STYLE…
I don’t believe you people! You’re only saying this because you’re too afraid to stand up to the Emperor! Don’t be afraid of his threats! He’s one big lie!

EMPEROR
Is that how you really feel?

C(h)OURT
You’re damn right it is. You’re a fraud.

Gasps. Pause.
EMPEROR
If I am a fraud, then you, Madame…ARE MY NEW CHANCELLOR OF FASHION!

C(h)OURT
What?
WHAT?!
Thanks, but no thanks.

EMPEROR
You are the only honest voice in my court, thus yours is the only I can trust. As for the rest of you, I banish you all from my court and my empire!

C(h)OURT
WHY?

EMPEROR
The Empire has no need for rubber stamps or yesmen. We need defiant voices of experience to serve in our chorus, whose diversity of ideas make the nation stronger.

C(h)OURT
WE CAN BE DEFIANT! Up yours! SEE! WE’RE COMPLETELY WILLING TO REBEL WHENEVER YOU ASK US TO!
I don’t think that’s the point…
WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU’RE JUST THE CHANCELLOR OF FASHION, YOU’RE NOT THE CHANCELLOR OF THE WHIMS OF THE EMPEROR!

EMPEROR
Enough! I grow weary, cold, and bored of exposing my flab. Chancellor, will you aid me with the honesty of your sense of taste?

C(h)OURT
I don’t want to. I don’t like what you stand for, and I could never trust you now that I’ve seen you for who you really are. I’d prefer you stay naked and exposed.

EMPEROR
Oh well. I guess I have to redistribute the endless riches I was planning on giving you…

C(h)OURT
ENDLESS RICHES?!
Hot diggity dog!

The EMPEROR and the CHANCELLOR exit arm in arm.

C(h)OURT
OUT OF ALL OUR GREAT ADVERSARIES AND OUR FOES, OUR UNDOING WAS AN EMPEROR’S LACK OF CLOTHES.

107

12.24.06

GEORGE
I thought you had a flight tomorrow morning.

AL
Yeah, my business trip got cancelled.

GEORGE
Are they giving you the day off?

AL
No. They said I could come in late, but still.

GEORGE
You were all geared up to go too.

AL
I know, I haven’t seen my sister in months.

GEORGE
When is she coming to Boston next?

AL
Never.

GEORGE
She’s coming in for thanksgiving, though, right?

AL
I don’t think so.

GEORGE
Well, she’s got a month or two to think it through.

AL

AL

GEORGE

AL
I am so pissed about this.

GEORGE
Come here, I know it’s hard.

AL
I was all psyched to go to California…

GEORGE
I know, I know…

AL
I don’t think she’s coming in for the holidays at all this year.

GEORGE
How can you be so sure?

AL
I have, like, nothing to look forward to. For the whole rest of the year.

GEORGE

AL
Don’t give me that face. I mean it. I’m really upset.

GEORGE
You have plenty to look forward to.

AL
Oh yeah like what.

GEORGE
Well, let’s see. You got the big company Christmas party. That’s always fun.

AL
That’s three months away!

GEORGE
Yeah, but it’s something to look forward to!

AL
I hate the company Christmas party. I hate the company. Sometimes I want to move away and quit my job and never go back to work again.

AL

GEORGE

AL
What else do I have to look forward to?

GEORGE
There’s that new Bob Dylan album coming out tomorrow…

AL
I hate new Bob Dylan.

GEORGE
I heard this one is his best yet.

AL
That’s what they say about every new album from everybody. Ooh it’s Ricky Martin’s best album yet. Ooh it’s Lou Bega’s best single yet. Ooh. Ooh. No Doubt. Ooh. Ooh.

GEORGE
Isn’t there anything to take you out of this black mood?

AL
Yeah. Seeing my sister.

GEORGE

AL
What?

GEORGE
So why don’t you?

AL
What?

GEORGE
Why don’t you go see your sister anyway?

AL
I can’t just pick up and leave work.

GEORGE
Call in sick.

AL
For a week?

GEORGE
Sure! Why not?

AL
Because I’d get fired, that’s why not.

GEORGE
Do you still have your ticket?

AL
Yeah.

GEORGE
So do it.

AL
Now that the trip is cancelled I have to be here for the big audit on the 17th.

GEORGE
So book a flight that gets you back on Sunday.

AL
It’s not that easy.

GEORGE
Airfare’s cheap. I’ll pay for it.

AL

AL

GEORGE
C’mon. This is not a life or death decision here.

AL

AL

GEORGE
Do something that will make you happy.

AL

AL

GEORGE
It’s obvious that this is what you want to do.

AL

AL
Alright. I’ll do it.

GEORGE
Awesome. What time’s your flight tomorrow?

AL
8:00 a.m.

GEORGE
Crap, you’ve got to get to bed. You need to get up at like 5:30.

AL
Should I be doing this? Should I really do this?

GEORGE

AL

AL
No. I should. You’re right. I’m wrong.

106

12.23.06

2 siblings.

OLDER
Ok. I’ll tell you about. But you really can’t tell anyone that I told you.I mean it.
I could really get in trouble for telling you this.
Ok.
Where to begin…
First of all, it makes you feel a whole lot less special after a while. At first you feel special, but if you do it more with different people you realize that you just feel less special because there was more magic to the whole thing before you did it.
And sometimes, when it’s really bad, you feel guilty for having wanted it at all.
Just because you know about it afterward, doesn’t make you an adult either. Like, it just makes you a kid who does grown up things. People don’t really look at you different, unless they think you’re cute, then for most people it’s an added bonus. But it doesn’t necessarily make you more or less cute either. It’s just like extra points if you get to a certain level, you know? Like in Sonic or Final Fantasy.
Do you play Final Fantasy?
Did you ever play Sonic when it was on Sega Genesis?
I like how fast he moved.
Anyway. Other things.
You’re really bad at first. You’re always crashing into things and going too fast or too slow, or stopping and starting. I mean it, you’d think you can get the hang of it quick, but it takes practice. I’d say you could ask the folks for advice, but they’d kill me if they found out I was helping you do this. So just, don’t get too cocky about it. You’ll be really bad until you’re good.
Don’t ever brag about it. Nobody brags about it these days. Anybody who brags about it is either lying or doesn’t know any better.
And please please please be safe.
Ok. The plus sides.
For one thing, it’s really really cool.
It’s a lot of fun, and it gives you a real reason to sneak out of the house at night. Until I started, I’d only sneak out to walk to Wendy’s and SevenEleven. Now I got lots of reasons to sneak out, you know? A million places to go, know what I mean? Places to go, people to see…Don’t get caught, and you’ll start to realize there’s a whole world of things to do after your bedtime.
Umm…It’ll take you places. That may sound stupid, but it’s true.
Do you know what euphoria means? Ok, well euphoria means to be really really happy. When something has a lot of euphoria, it’s called euphoric. I find it quite euphoric.
I mean. You’ll learn a lot about the world. That’s all I can think of.
Please be safe. Please please please please please be safe.
Are you sure you’re ready for this? Because you know you’re still young. No one’s putting a gun to your head to start. Are you sure? Ok then, here you go. Please be safe.

OLDER reaches into a pocket and produces car keys.