11.1.06
THIRTEEN STRIPES.
A LARGE MOUND OF DARK DRY DIRT.
The audience is allowed to enter the space. They must remove their shoes before doing so. No food or drink is allowed in the space, but water is provided upon request. There are no conventional chairs, but a comfortable means for the audience to sit on or near the floor is provided. The preshow ends the moment AMBER enters. She is unkept and has bad taste in clothes. The THIRTEEN STRIPES become prison bars.
AMBER
I don’t care I’m not listening to you
Do you hear that I said that I don’t care
Because I don’t care I’m not listening
Hey are you paying attention to me
I’m talking to you!
Enter PERSON IN SUIT. They wear a very nice, but professional suit, are clean cut and a deceptive wig.
PERSON IN SUIT
I heard what you said!
Listen, Amber, I’m trying my hardest!
AMBER
Well shee-it your hardest ain’t hard enough
I have been stuck in this situation
Eatin’ chemicals and drinkin’ petrol…
PERSON
Listen, I’m trying to put aside cash-
AMBER
I don’t want your money I want real food
Homemade food and I want to feed my kids
PERSON
I know that you don’t have any children.
AMBER
I might have some someday you never know
PERSON
Yeah, but you declared on your tax returns-
AMBER
I said I’m not listening / can’t hear you
La la la la la la la la la la
Nope no food went deaf sorry nope no deal.
PERSON
/Amber I’m not coming by here for long
Listen, do you want some McDonalds? Yeah?
How about some Subway then-
Amber I don’t know what else to do.
AMBER
Help that’s your job right so why not just help
PERSON
It’s not that simple. We have forms to fill,
And we have quotas to fill, banks to fill,
Gas tanks to fill-
AMBER
Bellies to fill that’s me
PERSON
You’ve never had any children, Amber.
And I am through paying your rent. I’m done.
I’ve done all I possibly can for you.
The PERSON IN SUIT exits. The THIRTEEN STRIPES become a fence, over which AMBER can look but not climb.
AMBER
The neighbor’s lawn always looks so crappy. Look at all those brown spots. Then again, it’s more green than mine. Prettier too. They water that shit all the time, don’t they. Pour money into it than what it costs to feed themselves. I bet they planted those new pill flowers by the money tree. Maybe I could steal a few and start my own garden.
…
The suit would probly just take it away.
Can’t climb over this damn fence anyway.
The PERSON IN SUIT reenters with a large sign that reads:
[PERSON IN SUIT]
AMBER
I told you I don’t want any damn job
I just want my food and rent and that’s all
The PERSON IN SUIT sticks the sign into the mound of dirt. A dark wind is heard somewhere, but no one notices. After a staring contest, the PERSON IN SUIT exits.
AMBER
I fuckin’ told them a million times didn’t I? I can’t vote. Even if I could I wouldn’t fuckin’ vote for them. Jeebus. What did they ever do for me, GODDAMNIT!
AMBER plucks the sign from the MOUND OF DIRT and throws it to the ground. GOLEM emerges from the mound of dirt in a spectacular display. On its forehead, in Hebrew, is written Emet.
AMBER
HOLY GOD!
How long have you been under there?
Hello?
The GOLEM stands motionless.
AMBER
Do you talk?
Do you talk at all?
Dope.
Not you, that is, big scary dirt monster. I, ah, meant to say that, hrm, you are dope.
Yesh…
The GOLEM stands motionless.
AMBER
So do you even do anything?
Do something.
The GOLEM draws a border around AMBER
AMBER
Ok, uh, do something interesting.
The GOLEM makes a flag out of the THIRTEEN STRIPES.
AMBER
Ok, do something worthwhile. Go get me some money, and some food!
The GOLEM loudly clomps off in search of food and money. Later we hear offstage screams as the GOLEM fulfills its mission. AMBER walks tightrope along her border.
AMBER
We made a new friend today, children, didn’t we?
A big scary dirt monster that’ll help us get what we want hopefully.
(SINGING)
ONE: I’M THE SUN JUST HAVIN’ SOME FUN
TWO: I’M A ZOO DOIN’ SOMETHIN’ NEW
THREE: I’M A SNAKE SO DON’T STEP ON ME
FOUR FIVE SEVEN: I’M THE QUEEN OF HEAVEN
I wonder what all the fuss is about, children.
All those screams from down yonder.
Do you hear it? I do. Now I don’t. Now I do and I don’t at the same time.
And stomping…I hear stomping…
Getting closer…
Don’t be scared, children. Must be a figment of our imaginations.
The GOLEM with an armful of food and an armful of riches.
AMBER
You came back! And with what I asked you for! Kickass!
The GOLEM starts kicking its own ass.
AMBER
Well, don’t drop the food, gimme the goods first.
The GOLEM hands AMBER the goods. AMBER chows down and admires her new swag. The GOLEM stands still.
AMBER
What are you looking at me like that for? Don’t look at me like that.
The GOLEM covers its eyes.
AMBER
SWEET! An IPOD! I’m like the last person in the world to get one of these, you know? Ooh, and a portable dvd player. What, did you hold up a Sharper Image? I definitely owe you one, big scary dirt monster. You want some of this food?
The GOLEM stands still.
AMBER
More for me, I guess.
Enter PERSON IN SUIT. They look indignantly at the discarded sign, and don’t notice the GOLEM at first.
PERSON IN SUIT
What do you think you’re doing? Where did you steal all this shit from?
AMBER
I didn’t. It did.
PERSON
It…? HOLY GOD!
AMBER
You want some food?
PERSON
You know you need a permit for that! Mountains of paperwork! Certification from four different offices. I bet you don’t even have a license!
AMBER
For the food?
PERSON
I have a big problem with this, AMBER. A person in your situation is not meant to have anything like this Golem. /You don’t have any idea how expensive it is to keep one of these things under control…
AMBER
/What did you call it?
PERSON
…I can overlook the stolen property if you get it back to the rightful owners, but the Golem has got to go with me.
AMBER
Fine! Take it.
PERSON
You’ve got to tell it to come with me.
AMBER
You tell it to.
PERSON
It will only obey your commands. You have to be the one to tell it to come with me, otherwise it will just stand there without moving.
AMBER
Really…?
PERSON
You see, this is why you aren’t fit to care for something like this. You don’t even know what you’re messing with here. There are all sorts of ordinances governing how to deal with Golems that you are completely unaware of. Not to mention the taxes, lord, the taxes. You’ve probably already rung up a mile long bill. You’ll never be able to afford it.
AMBER
No. I can afford my new IPOD and my new poodle carrier. Why can’t I afford my new big scary dirt monster? You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore.
PERSON IN SUIT begins to back away…
PERSON
You could see it that way…or you could figure out that this is going to get reported whether you like it or not…
AMBER
Hold it right there!
The GOLEM stops PERSON IN SUIT.
PERSON
Just what do you think you’re doing?
AMBER
Putting food on the table for my children.
PERSON
You don’t have any children!
AMBER
I like your hair…
PERSON
Amber, let me go and I’ll forget all about this.
AMBER
Don’t tell me, tell the big scary dirt monster.
PERSON
Amber, this isn’t happy anymore. This is very bad…
AMBER
Give me that hair.
The GOLEM removed the wig from PERSON IN SUIT, revealing a bald cap. Screams, laughter and chaos as AMBER wears the wig.
AMBER
La la la la laaaaa.
Six of the THIRTEEN STRIPES disappear, leaving SEVEN STRIPES, still arranged as a flag.
PERSON
Amber, I’m giving you one last chance to stop this! Stop this right now!
AMBER
Oh, go jump off a cliff…
The GOLEM drops PERSON IN SUIT and begins to walk off. PERSON IN SUIT exits running frantically.
AMBER
Not you! Them! Go get them and throw them off a cliff!
The GOLEM exits. Amber skips along her border for a short time. She hums the melody to the previous song. We hear the offstage screams of PERSON IN SUIT. Then AMBER begins to make bomb noises as she pretends to be an airplane, a machine gun and God. As she pretends, the sounds become more real until the GOLEM enters. AMBER straightens out her wig.
AMBER
Oh. You. I Didn’t expect you so soon.
Don’t I just look positively gorgeous?
Aren’t I the most glamorous thing ever?
The GOLEM stands still.
AMBER
Huzzah! I am so great, great great greatest!
Sound of millions of babies crying from behind the audience.
AMBER
FUCK! I forgot the babies. Motherfuck,
I’m so tired of my children, you know?
All they do is piss me off. The bastards.
Why don’t you just go and kill them for me?
AMBER whistles her tune as she spins and dances on her border. The GOLEM walks menacingly toward the audience. Blackout.
