105

12.22.06

(A BARE STAGE)

DORA
I HAVE A KNIFE

JO
Calm down...

DORA
FUCK YOU I GOT A KNIFE SHUT UP

JO
You're being ridiculous. Calm down and let's talk

DORA
NO WAY MAN. I see you. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO

JO
If you would please calm down, it will only take me a minute to explain

DORA
EXPLAIN SHIT!

JO
You aren't making any sense

DORA
WHAT

JO
I said you aren't making any sense, would you please

DORA
I'll cut you. I'll cut you good.

JO
DORA. I know you're having a bad day. I know you've had alot of bad days lately, but I need you to calm down and be rational. I'm not here to steal anything from you, or take anything away, I'm only here to ask you a few questions and leave. As soon as I'm done, I'm out of here, OK? If I ask you a few questions are you going to answer them for me?

DORA
What kind of questions?

JO
Easy questions. The kind that have no right or wrong answers. All I’m looking to do is asses the situation and see if your answers can make things a little easier on you.

DORA
And then you'll leave me alone?

JO
You'll never see me again. Ever.

DORA
mmokay.

JO
Ok. First question

DORA
Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. Who are you?

JO
I'm...an auditor

DORA
What's an auditor?

JO
I ask people questions and I write their answers on this clipboard and I walk away

DORA
Ok. Ask your questions

JO
OK. First question. Is this your place of residence?

DORA
Yes it is, it is my home

JO
How long have you lived here?

DORA
All my life. All my mommas life too, and her pappy built it afore she was born

JO
Ok. And when was the house destroyed?

DORA
In the storm

JO
Where's all the rubble?

DORA
There ain't any

JO
Isn't there any debris at all?

DORA
There isn't none at all

JO
When did you clear it all away?

DORA
I didn't. Storm did. Picked it up and tossed it in the sky like a handful of dandelions

JO
OK. That takes me to question four:

DORA
No it don't. You asked seven questions so far

JO
I meant the forth question on the roster. Those last three...I was curious Dora

DORA
Are you trying to trick me?

JO
No, Dora, I would never try to trick you

DORA
You got a trickish look in your eye. I seen it before, probly before you were born. I seen all sorts of trickish people in my day, so you ain’t foolin’ me one bit. Why are you so curious asking so many questions that aren't on the clipboard?

JO
I just am...

DORA
They weren't part of the bargain

JO
I know, I apologize...

DORA
SO STICK TO THE BARGAIN

JO
OK Dora, question seven

DORA
Which one is it, four or seven?

JO
It's question four, but it'll be my seventh question

DORA
SO ASK ALREADY

JO
CAN YOU PRODUCE A DEED OR TITLE?

DORA
Pardon?

JO
Can you produce a deed or a title to this estate?

DORA
I can produce alot of things

JO
Right, but do you have a deed to this house, or what's left of it?

DORA
Which is nothing...

JO
Do you have a deed?

DORA
I kept it at the bank in town in a safety deposit box. There's where you'll find it

JO
Great.I don't need to see it, I just need to know it exists

DORA
Good. Next question

JO
Next question - question eight - can you describe to me the circumstances under which your home was destroyed?

DORA
Sure I can. Next question

JO
...OK would you care to elaborate?

DORA
No. Next question

JO
How was your home destroyed?

DORA
I done told you, in the storm

JO
Please describe the events in full

DORA
The house was here. Storm came. The house was gone. What is this about, anyway?

JO
Insurance

DORA
Insurance? I don't want to buy any insurance, I don't even have a house again yet!

JO
I know, what I mean to say is

DORA
I had a FEMA trailer up until Christmas when he and I had a fight and he kicked me out. I been living in a tent since then, so I don't want none of your insurance, unless you can insure a puptent and a camp fire. I don't even got money to eat or build a new house, how you expect me to pay for all that insurance shit?

JO
Folks in town have been making complaints...

DORA
What, that I don't got any insurance? Listen, you need work on your sales pitch 'cause I think it would take a bonafide dummy to buy that bag of beans

JO
No, Dora, I'm not trying to sell you insurance. Folks in town have been complaining that you haven't had a place to live lately and that you should. See, they called the town council and the town council called the company that I work for to see if you were registered for any insurance here. Folks in town care about you, Dora, they think you're good people. Anyway, the company checked, and sure enough, you've got a bit of insurance coverage with us, not alot but a little. The company sent me here to ask you a few questions about your house and what happened to it so we can figure out how much money you have coming to you

DORA
Oh! In that case I'll tell you anything you want

JO
That's what I thought you'd say

DORA
So what do you want me to say?

JO
Describe to me, in detail, the events surrounding your home's destruction

DORA
Mokay. Clarance, that's my ex what kicked me out, Clarance and I were knockin' boots in the living room while watching the baseball game on his little portable tv. Let me show you...the living room was here and the tv was right here. Clarance and me were here, and a little over here, and we were kinda hanging over like this

JO
I don't need to know that. Tell me what happened when the storm came, please

DORA
Ok. Well afterward, we wound up on the hideabed, which was in the bedroom over here. The bedroom was small, but it was cozy. The window was nice, and it had that old warped glass that makes the trees look like they're in a funhouse mirror. So after he was done I got up and went to the kitchen...which used to be right here. Don't worry, I'm gettin' to the storm part right now. So I heard a big rumble, and I knew it was raining because how could you miss it? And I yelled out CLARANCE! “YEAH” CLARANCE IS THAT YOU MAKING ALL THAT RUMBLING? “NAH, COME BACK TO THE BEDROOM, SWEETIE” CLARANCE I THINK THERE’S A STORM COMING, A BIG ONE – I had seen on the T.V. that the coast had a hurricane, but I ignored it ‘cause a CLARANCE! CLARANCE I THINK WE BETTER BOARD UP AND GET TO SHELTER! “NAW, SWEETIE, EVERYTHANG WILL BE ALRIGHT.” So I went back into the bedroom. Clarance fell asleep in my arms, but the howlin’ winds scared the heck out of me. They was howling like dogs at the moon, but meaner, like they were bloodthirsty winds barkin. I thought it was morning, but I couldn’t tell it was so dark

JO
Then what happened?

DORA
When Clarance woke up he was scared. We both were. It was too rough for us to get out of the house anymore. He said “Sweetie, I don’t think we gonna make it out of this one alive” but I told him to get his head on straight and we could think of a way out. On the radio we heard about flash floods tearin’ up homes in the area, and although we knew we were on higher ground, my pappy told me once of how this house withstood eight feet of raging water pounding at it. Still, the winds were howlin’ away, and I begun to think like Clarance, like we were both headed for tragedy

JO
What’d you do?

DORA
Clarance and I did the only thing two old fogies such as ourselves could do. We screwed. For hours and hours and hours

JO
But how did you survive the house getting knocked down? How did you make it out of the storm? What happened?

DORA
Well, he and I were going at it, and by the third hour we had already busted out the whiskey and the moonshine, and we had sort of resigned ourselves to our fate. So Clarance, he’s all drunk with a sharpie marker writing his epitaph on his belly, and I’m, well, you know, and the winds are howling and house is shaking and it seems like the whole earth was coming to an end. And Clarance looks out the window and says “HEY! WHERE DID ALL THE TREES GO?” I look and say YOU DUMMY! THE TREES DIDN’T GO NOWHERE, WE MOVED! Sure enough, the whole house had picked itself up and slid down the hill beside the creek below. Off its foundation, the house couldn’t stand a chance against the floodwaters. Soon enough as you can blink, she was gone. Worse is I saw my Clarance was gone too. We got separated when the house was rend in two, and we floated on separate chunks of wood. I kept calling CLARANCE! CLARANCE COME BACK TO ME YOU BIG OLD DODOBIRD but I never heard him call me back. When I finally paddled to land high enough, I couldn’t stay dry for the deluge of my tears. A sheriff found me naked and weeping in the winds.

JO
When did you find out for sure that Clarance had died?

DORA
Clarance isn’t dead.

JO
What?

DORA
He kicked me out of his FEMA trailer not too long ago. Like I said, we floated down our separate ways. Any case, the flood took whatever rubble I had left and tossed it all to nothing.

JO
So the flood was what destroyed your belongings?

DORA
After the winds, yes.

JO
Great.

DORA
‘Scuse me? I don’t see how that’s great.

JO
Well, Dora, the fact is that you aren’t insured for flood damage.

DORA
And?

JO
And my company doesn’t owe you any money. Touching story though. Good luck trying to get a copy of your title. The land is probably worth a few hundred dollars.

(JO exits)

DORA
Am I missing something here?

104

12.21.06

Rain.
Onstage.
Lots of it too.
Just sit down and watch it for a while.
It’s fake, I know.
But so’s everything else onstage.
So sit and watch the rain.

103 - Random Acts of Violins

12.20.06

The following is enacted by performers with violins. They do not speak, but rather interpret their lines with their instruments. A libretto is handed to the audience, or, the text is projected behind the action of the piece.

111111
Morning.

222222
Good morning.

111111
Jesus I’m tired.

222222
Did you sleep well?

111111
(Yawns) I thought I did, but I’m still sleepy as all hell.

222222
I slept like a rock.

111111
I can tell. Where are the grape nuts?

222222
Hmm? What was that?

111111
What happened to all the grape nuts?

222222
oh…sorry. This is the last bowl.

111111
You don’t even like grape nuts!

222222
Yeah I do.

111111
Fine…do we have any cheerios?

222222
I think all we have are fruity pebbles.

111111
I hate fruity pebbles.

222222
I’m sorry. Do you want me to make you some eggs?

111111
No, I’ll just eat the fruity pebbles.

222222
Ok, sweetie. You let me know if you want anything else.

111111
Where’s all the soymilk?

222222
In the door.

111111
I see this one, but there’s like two drops left in it.

222222
It looked like more when I put it back.

111111
This is all the soymilk. You used all the soymilk on my cereal.

222222
Here, I’ll make you some eggs.

111111
I don’t want eggs, I want grape nuts in soymilk.

222222
I said I was sorry!

111111
You’re not sorry, you aren’t even lactose intolerant!

222222
There’s other food without milk you could have for breakfast! I said I would make you eggs! I could make you anything you want!

111111
I don’t want just anything, I want what I want!

222222
Why should you get what you want?

111111
Excuse me?

222222
Why should you get what you want? I’ve never gotten what I wanted! In 15 years of marriage you’ve never given me a thing I wanted because you don’t even know me!

333333 enters.

333333
What’s all the fighting about?

222222
Nothing, go back to bed.

333333
But I have to be up for school.

222222
You can be late for school today, go back to bed.

111111
No she can’t – get ready for school, you’ll be late for the bus!

222222
No, listen to me. Go back to bed.

333333
I won’t get in trouble if I’m late?

222222
No, I’ll write you a note. Now go get under the covers and put a pillow over your head.

333333
Yippeeeeeee!

333333 exits.

111111
What was that all about?

222222 murders 111111 with a frying pan.
Pause.
A moment of remorse.

222222
Ok, get ready, you’re going to be late for school!

102

12.19.06

Darkness.

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1

LIGHTS FLASH ACROSS THE STAGE. A DOZEN PIÑATAS DANGLE ABOVE OUR HEADS, AND EXPLODE. CANDY IS SHOWERED EVERYWHERE. CLOWNS CARTWHEEL AND CONFETTI FLIES. OLD TIMEY MUSIC BLARES. RICHARD NIXON ENTERS, GESTURES, AND EXITS. THE BEARS WIN THE SUPERBOWL. AN APPLAUSE SIGN FLASHES. ALL OF THIS HAPPENS IN LESS THAN FIFTY SECONDS. THEN IT ALL STOPS SUDDENLY. We rest in the aftermath. The lights return to normal. A baby cries quietly. Someone cleans the stage. Once all is restored, five minutes of quiet. If anyone remains, the countdown begins again. This time, the result is a single spotlight on a big sign which reads: “WHAT MORE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT FROM US?” The spotlight shuts off. Samuel Barber’s “Adagio for Strings” plays softly as the lights return to normal. Now, if anyone remains, at the end of the adagio, a ten second countdown ensues, and THE CARNIVAL RETURNS. EVEN MORE PHRENETIC THAN THE LAST ONE, NOW A UNICYLCIST WHEELS ABOUT, AND NIXON IS ACCOMPANIED BY RONALD REGAN. NIXON AND REGAN START TO MAKE OUT. CLOWNS THROW CANDY AT THE AUDIENCE. NINJAS DESCEND FROM THE RAFTERS TO BATTLE THE CLOWNS WITH SWORDS. THE 1812 OVERTURE BLARES. THE CLOWNS FIGHT BACK WITH PIES. NIXON AND REGAN ARE HAVING SEX. TWO PEOPLE IN A DONKEY SUIT DANCE ACROSS THE STAGE. A PANDA GIVES FLOWERS TO AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO APPEAR TO BE “NICE.” THE LIGHTS SHUT OFF. Nixon and Regan are still going at it.

101 - the LOTTERY

12.18.06

The audience enters the space and are given numbers to pin on their coats. Wagner music is pleasantly played in the background. There is a curtain, hiding a playing space. The ushers look sharp in their cold, dark uniforms, which feature strong hats not typically seen in casual attire. When all are seated, situated, and have been waiting a while, a pleasant USHER enters with THE DIRECTOR.

USHER
Hello everyone and welcome to today’s festivities! We are so happy to have you here, and we hope that the evening finds itself mutually beneficial for all involved. For now, we have given you a number and asked you to pin it to your coat. Please keep it there, so that it is highly visible to me and our team of ushers. You will recognize them because they are wearing hats not typically seen in casual attire. Before the lottery begins, I’d like to introduce you to the genius behind this event, who I may only refer to as the Director. Director, would you like to say some words?

THE DIRECTOR
No.

USHER
Ok, well let’s have a round of applause for our Director!

Applause is initiated, during which THE DIRECTOR whispers into the USHER’s ear while pointing to various faces in the crowd.
When the applause ceases, THE DIRECTOR leaves.

USHER
Alright, so I am going to give you a rundown on how all this works. Soon I will be calling your numbers randomly selected by the lottery machine outside this room. When you hear your number, please stand up quietly and make your way to the nearest usher so you may be escorted to our prize room! After your number is selected, we will not let you back in here, because we don’t want you to spoil the surprise for other potential winners. So if your number is selected, please take all your belongings with you. I ask that you please wait patiently, as this process may take quite a while. Remember, not everyone can be a winner! Those whose numbers fail to be selected will be escorted out, and invited back to try another time. I have here in my pocket a list of numbers selected before the beginning of our ceremonies. They are: #12, #14 #19 #52 and #1. That’s 12, 14, 19, 52 and1. Please make your way to the nearest usher. Thank you.

The USHER exits while the patrons are escorted out. When all have left, “hours pass.” Members of the audience grow restless and hungry. The music comes to a sudden stop. The USHER returns in a different suit. The USHER’s smile takes a great deal of effort.

USHER
Sorry that took so long, ladies and gentleman. We experienced a problem with our lottery machine, and we did not want to ask you to leave before everyone could have chance to win a prize. That said, our lottery machine is up and running again, and I am proud to announce that numbers 6, 30, and 41 are now invited to come and claim their prize. 6, 30 and 41, please approach your nearest usher. Thank you.

The USHER exits again. Screams are heard soon after the winners exit. Those who try to leave are stopped at the door and brought back to their seats. “Days pass.” Now some members of the audience grow defiant.

22
This sucks!

23
Yeah, screw this. I don’t even care about this stupid lottery.

22
God, just come and pick someone and get it over with.

23
Seriously.

22
…augh! This is the most boring thing ever!

34
That’s it! I’ve heard all of you complain quietly to yourselves, but I can’t take it any longer. Stop complaining and actually do something. We all know there’s something fishy with this lottery. I say when the usher comes back, we fight our way out of here.

AN USHER
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

34
NO! You can’t order us around! We’re people, and people in this country have rights!

A siren. The USHER enters while removing black rubber gloves. The USHER speaks through bullhorn.

USHER
Everyone, I have an announcement! Will numbers 22, 23 and ah, 34 please come with me? You have all won the special prize, thank you!

The USHER exits along with 22, 23 and a forcibly removed 34. More screams are heard. Darkness. Light from behind the curtain. The sound of electric saws and drills. Spatter on the floor. “Weeks pass.” The place is falling apart. Audience members are kept in their seats by intimidation. 29 is particularly scared. He starts to audibly cry. The Wagner music plays lightly until the USHER enters, again in a different suit, albeit disheveled. Again, the USHER speaks with a bullhorn.

USHER
Alright everyone, sorry again for the wait. We really ought to buy a new lottery machine, but unfortunately those federal budget cuts keep holding us back. Anywho, we have two more rounds for you all, so we hope you’re as excited as we are. Would the following numbers please follow me to claim your prize: 7, 13, 48.

48
NO! NO NOT ME! NOO!!!!!!

USHER
Ushers, will you please escort 48 to claim his prize?

48
NO! STAY AWAY! I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE! PICK SOMEONE ELSE! GET OFF! GET AWAY! LET ME GO! NOOO!!!

48 is carried away.

USHER
Whoa, what was his deal? That guy seemed thoroughly unhappy to win a fantastic prize! No worries, ladies and gentleman. One more drawing left! You still have a chance to win your prize! I’ll be back shortly to announce the winning numbers!

The USHER exits. Darkness. Machines. Lights again from behind the curtain. This time they open to reveal THE DIRECTOR with 34. In front of them are four plastic bins: SNO-CONES, HOT DOGS, COTTON CANDY and FRUIT CEREAL. 34’s brain is exposed. THE DIRECTOR instructs an assistant to grab the bin titled COTTON CANDY. THE DIRECTOR removed 34’s brain and smashes it up into the plastic bin. The assistant exits with the mashed-up brains, while THE DIRECTOR makes an incision in 34’s belly. When the assistant returns, THE DIRECTOR instructs them to hold up the bin marked HOT DOGS. THE DIRECTOR then scoops up 34’s innards in large handfuls and drops them into the bin. The assistant exits. THE DIRECTOR holds the bin marked SNO-CONES under 34’s body to collect all the blood. After taking a short breather, THE DIRECTOR notices that the curtain is open. The assistant re-enters with 48, who is kicking and screaming to escape. THE DIRECTOR closes the curtain. Lights back up. Happy music. The USHER renters hastily.

USHER
Well, well, it appears we’ve had some technical difficulties with the machine again, so we’ve decided that everybody wins! So if you won’t mind standing up and exiting the room in an orderly fashion, we’ll have you with your prizes in no time! That’s it, please take all your belongings. Thank you very much. Buh-bye! Hope to see you again soon!

The audience exits from where they came. Now the hallways are spattered with gore. “Let’s all go to the lobby” is piped in. Gradually the gore becomes happy polka dots and stripes. In the lobby, most of the winning audience members are seen eating free sno-cones, hot dogs, cotton candy and dry fruit cereal. These food items are offered to the other audience members as well. 22,23,34, and 48 are noticeably absent. Before the audience is allowed to leave, THE DIRECTOR, the assistant and The USHER stand by the door in bloody attire to wish the audience a happy time.

100

12.17.06

GENESIS
Lo these 130,000 years, the mountains shake and the rivers quiver. Mighty rocks become grains of sand and all the land contracts and expands. Age is ageless and time timeless: both are forever and neither exist. The orbs are spinning orbs spinning or’ orbs and under petals. Metal is merely melted stone. The quiet one speaks the loudest. The proudest Hotspur tumbles while the modest prosper. Crumble goes the ocean on the beach. Crumble goes the air at the shores of space. Or’ and or’. This is forever and never. It all existed quite before your time, but only whilst you were looking. Three cheers for dark matter! Surge tight the fabric of the universe! The eye speaks what the nose cannot bring itself to say. Lo these many years, math was before during and after never. Ever after everafter. Just as we, the math of the universe, logos of the cosmos, were doomed to be destined. The rest in a history. Exist with me. When the sun god sleeps all is darkness. Hark! The herald angles ring in 180 degrees Kelvin. Cold. Cold. Cold Cold. Cold. Cuts your liver and serves it to the stars, your little children’s twinkle in their eyes afar. Lo these eons, billions have come and gone. Trillions came and went while you were asleep. You woke up screaming in a reverse blink of an eye only to die when the sun god took a nap in the yard. Cosmic tendrils snap like whips to will you to work another day. 9 to 5. Music is a comfort unavailable in a vacuum. Entertain thyself on wine, laugh like swine, dine on your belly and feast upon yourself. Everything is everything else. Stars are made of hamburgers. Farts are made of the Lincoln Bedroom. When the sun god grew a tail, it was in a place where everyone could see it. Somehow no one remembered that it had already happened in the first place. The birth place. The birthplace.
GENESIS

99

12.16.06

A well-known pop song recorded on or after February 25, 1957 is selected. There is no restriction as to which song is selected, save the date and it’s level of popular familiarity.

A BIG FIRE

Laying, dead, in a circle, a group of people with bones in each hand stare up at the sky. A person with a skull painted up-side down on their face enters and beats an enormous drum.

The dead come to life and begin to circle the fire to the beat of the drum. With their mouths they make scratching clicks like that of record pops and scritches. Then the moaning beings.

As the moans make chords with wails, the beating becomes more rhythmic. The skull-faced person lets out an enormous shriek, which pauses all in their tracks.

1 2 3 4

The people dance around the fire to the beat of the drum, accompanying with moans, wails and the cracking of bones. Gradually, it becomes apparent that the dancers are playing a well-known pop song, recorded on or after February 25, 1957. Their rendition is terrifying. The bone dance gives new life to the song.

Occasionally, the bone dancers skip back and move forward again, as though they had experienced a crack in some primeval Victrola.

When the song is finished, the skull-faced drummer lets loose another shriek. This time, those surrounding the fire respond with cries and ululations. Again a song is played, at a faster tempo than the last. This continues from song to song, until the DEAD SONG, which is too fast for the dancers. They fall dead, one by one, hopping over each other’s corpses while tracing a fast circle about the fire. When all are dead, the skull-faced drummer bellows a mournful cry which goes unanswered by the cosmos. They douse the fire and exit backwards, staring at the embers.

98 - Presents

12.15.06

Rainbow music.
I enter with a package, wrapped neatly and tied with a colorful bow. I place it on the ground. I exit.
I reenter with another package, wrapped differently, but just as colorful. I place it next to the previous package. I exit.
I repeat this process.
Soon a large mound of packages and presents forms.
Some packages are large.
Some are rather small.
They all look very pretty.
The packages form a rainbow of packages.
I enter with one last giant package.
This package is bigger than me.
With great difficulty, I carefully set the package on the ground.
I exit for the last time.

Darkness.
Fanfare.
Spotlights.
A drumroll…

The top of the big box comes off, sending a rainbow of balloons into the rafters. Ecstatic music. Raucous applause. The lights return to normal. Quiet.

One of the smaller packages starts to shake.
It squirms and wiggles.
Finally, after a great struggle, I burst out of the tiny packages, looking disheveled with handful of beat-up daisies.

I pass out.

Blackout.

97

12.14.06

[G] [D] [D7] [E] [E]
[G] [D] [D7] [E] [E]
[A] [A] [E] [E]
[A] [F] [G] [G]

A sudden stop:

jr.
Wait wait wait, you’re all flat.

J.R.
Oh. Excuse me.

jr.
Here’s my E. [E]

J.R.
Sounds about right to me.

jr.
[Em]
I guess it’ll have to do.

J.R.
Well, just give me a minute here, I’ll fix things up.

jr.
[Am]
Losing your hearing in your old age?

J.R.
Could you stop for a second please? I can’t hear myself.

jr.
You must be going tone deaf.

J.R.
Har har. [E] There, is that better?

jr.
No.

J.R.
Good enough for me.

jr.
[G]
Didn’t your friends always use to accuse you of being out of tune?

J.R.
[G7]
No more than anyone else. Why?

jr.
[C]
I guess I remember them teasing you for being out of tune all the time.

J.R.
[C]
Like when you were a kid?

jr.
[G]
Yeah. When you were at practice.

J.R.
Hold on, I never took you to practice with me.

jr.
Sure you did. You and all the other folkies, I used to play with their kids.

J.R.
Well I never called them “folkies”…

jr.
That’s what you were, weren’t you?

J.R.
I hate the word “folkie.” Even more than I hate “gig” or “riff.”

jr.
What about “woodshed”?

J.R.
[G]
I never really heard that one a lot.

jr.
I hate that word. “Shedding.” [G7] “Gig” too. I hate “gig.”

[C] [C] [G]

jr.
You’re out of tune again.

J.R.
Would you knock it off?

jr.
How old is that guitar?

J.R.
None of your damn business.

jr.
No need to get snarky, Jesus.

J.R.
What did you just say to me?
That’s what I thought…
You haven’ seen “snarky”.
Leopold Mozart. He was “snarky”.

jr.
Who’s Leopold Mozart?

J.R.
Who do you think?

jr.
I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.

J.R.
Mozart’s father. Leopold Mozart was Mozart’s father.

jr.
Why was he snarky?

J.R.
I don’t know. He had a big chip on his shoulder. [E] The point is, I am nowhere near as “snarky” as he was. All those music dads were assholes. Beethoven’s dad made him go deaf. I think you were pretty lucky with me.

jr.
Ok. I get it. You’re not Mozart’s father.

J.R.
Are you my son?

jr.
I don’t know, am I?

J.R.
‘Cause if you are then you’re damn sure I ain’t Mozart’s father.

[Em]

J.R.
I’m just teasing.

[E]

J.R.
I love you.

jr.
I love you too, dad.

96

Black.
Time passes.
More black.

95

12.12.06

A crotchety old performer creaks on to the stage. After appraising the audience while wearing a sour expression on their wrinkled face, they nod disapprovingly. The crotchety old performer raises their hands with fingers spread and jabs the air, as if casting lightning bolts from their fingers. A satisfied grunt. Muttering, the crotchety old performer creaks offstage.

94 - ARABY 2

12.11.06

A deranged animatronic display, a’la chucky cheese.
Some dopey kid actually puts a quarter in.

COTTON CANDY
Do you remember when you and me were best friends? We were BFF, BF/BF, GF/GF & BF/GF. We would pretend that I was bubblegum or fields of electric raspberries. You’d smack your lips and lick your sticky fingers up and down my cone. So what happened? How come I never see you anymore?

BBQ CHICKEN LEG
CHK! CHK! CHK-INNNNNN! CHK CHK! CHK CHK! CHK CHK CHK’NNNNN!!!

FUNNEL CAKE
I have a million different names. Carnival cones, elephant ears, funnel cakes – so long as I’m deep fried and floating in powdered sugar, you know me well enough.

PRETZLE
I’M ALL TWISTED! I…CAN’T…GET OUT OF THIS KNOT! GET THAT SALT AWAY FROM ME! THAT CHEESE IS MOLTEN LAVA! AKK! AH! AUGH!!!!!!

WATERMELON
*spits*

BUTTERY EAR OF CORN
I’m thickly sticking betwixt your twitching lips so rip your gums and grab some tums cause here I come my little one um…um…ohh peel me beneath your yella teeth with butter sauce so grab your floss and squiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmm.

BEER
Ughhghhggeverybody in the right place? Makin’ a stra-git line? Onefootrightfoottwofootleftfoot OODahlalley-OODahlalley everybody march!

BEER strikes up the band. The FOOD accompanies its own song. The dopey kid exits frightened, if (s)he hasn’t already.

FOOD
BELCHINFARTINSTOPPINSTARTIN’
THE CARNIVOLE IS FULL OF HOLES
AND SUG’RY TEETH ARE TART ‘N SMARTIN’

YOU AND ME THE CALLIOPE
WHATCHOO CHEW IS FUTURE POO
AND WHAT’CHOO DRINK IS GONNA BE PEE

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
WIZZ WIZZ WIZZ
THAT’S THE WAY IT IS IT IS
SAVE YOUR DIMES AND MUNCH SELL YOUR GOWNS
CAUSE THE ARABY’S COMING TOO TOWN!-

WATERMELON
*spits*

The animatronics go motionless. Pray no one pays again.

93 - S P A C E

12.10.06

Note: The Audience sits facing one another.

Darkness. The SPACE breathes in and exhales light slowly. The heavy sound of air from inside one’s chest fills the SPACE. A heartbeat can be heard. The SPACE gets warmer and warmer. The breathing speeds up. The heartbeat grows faster. Voices. Ghosts. The sight and sounds of quick bursts of electricity begin to punctuate the moment. Certain seats in the audience light up individually to form PAIRS. The sound of combination locks turning. When a new PAIR is selected, the previous one goes dark. The breathing grows intense. Lightning flashes everywhere. The voices sing sustained operatic chords. The clamor builds into an intense quiet. A violin sting breaks. The heart explodes. Black.

The SPACE gives birth to itself.

SPACE
Did you like it? It’s my gift to you. Happy birthday.

In the darkness, a PAIR sings “Happy Birthday” backwards and unintelligibly slow. The voice continues.

SPACE
You are my bluest eye. You are the most precious love.

A baby cries.

SPACE
Don’t ever leave me, darling, don’t you ever let go.

Lights slowly up on the singing PAIR.

SPACE
All there is is ice. Outside of you there is no day.

The baby starts to laugh.

SPACE
But this can’t last forever. Someday you’ll never move.

The PAIR is standing in full light.

SPACE
And you too will grow cold, and I will find another heart.

When “Happy Birthday” is over, the room grows blue, then dark again. The SPACE becomes cold. Slowly, we hear the sound of wind passing a quiet fall. Voices sing crescendos and ascending scales. The fall gets louder and faster. Flashes of light streak across the audience, dimming swiftly like meteorites in the night sky. The SPACE becomes positively chilly, and air is blowing everywhere. Debris flies around. Then, a sudden STOP.

STOP

STOP

STOP

SPACE
Today I threw an apple in the air
Its shattered slices landed everywhere.

92

12.9.06

SOMEONE stands center, obviously about to sneeze.

SOMEONE
Ahhhh…
Ahhhhh….
Ahhh ahhhhh…..
…
…
Ahhhhhhhhhhh…….
Ih. Ih.
…
*snort*

I fuckin hate it when that happens.

SHIFT. SOMEBODY enters, center, also about to sneeze.

SOMEBODY
*sniffles*
*skiffles*
*whizzles*
*wuzzles*
…
The sneeze implodes within SOMEBODY’s brain.

SOMEBODY
Ig fuggin’ hgate id wheg dat happeds.

SHIFT. SOMEONE & SOMEBODY TOGETHER.

SOMEONE
Ahhh…

SOMEBODY
*snuffles*

SOMEBONE
Ahhh…ahhhh…

SOMEBODY
*quiffles*

SOMEONE & SOMEBODY
*snortle* *chiffle* & *gumble*

The sneezes are internalized. SOMEONE & SOMEBODY’s heads explode, leaving their decapitated bodies to say:

SOMEONE & SOMEBODY
Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

91 - BUSTED

12.8.06

The AUDIENCE lines up in a row with their backs one yard from a big brick wall. They are made to do so by OFFICERS, lead by OFFICER BUSTIER. Sprinkled throughout the AUDIENCE are THE BUSTED. When THE BUSTED are discovered, they are turned around and pressed against the wall. THE BUSTED find this both amusing and upsetting. The OFFICERS do their best to keep everyone quiet. THE BUSTED try to lead the AUDIENCE in song. This infuriates OFFICER BUSTIER. The OFFICERS try to keep the audience from looking back and witnessing them mistreat THE BUSTED. OFFICER BUSTIER abandons the situation completely. THE BUSTED moon the OFFICERS. Lights shift.


The AUDIENCE sits on the floor facing the wall. THE BUSTED are gone. Only one OFFICER remains. The other OFFICERS have fled or are now invisible. The OFFICER is backed up against a wall. Spotlight:

OFFICER
I didn’t mean to do it.
Of course I meant to, but I didn’t mean for it to be a bad thing.
One thing, you know, leads on to another.
I’m sorry.
I know that apologizing and saying I didn’t mean to do something isn’t adequate.
I know I have to take responsibility for what I’ve done.
I know that I was wrong.

A mob made out of THE BUSTED rushes in and carries the OFFICER away, whose cries can be heard in the distance. Enter OFFICER BUSTIER, holding a photo of the kidnapped OFFICER.

OFFICER BUSTIER
I’ve come to make a brief statement, after which time I will take your questions.
Ahem.
At approximately twenty-hundred hours this evening, a routine round up of a local band of street thugs took place. The department received a complaint of aggravated abuse on the part of the Officers involved, and a full investigation is under way.
However, an incident of somewhat greater importance to the department occurred during the round up, when one of our own Officers was taken hostage by members of the very same gang that (she/he) was working to apprehend.
Excuse me.
The Hostage’s name is Officer Rico, and (he/she) is a two-year veteran of the squad, working directly under me. (she/he)’s a good Officer and we’ll bring (him/her) home soon. I have a photo, which I will display at this time.
That is all.
I will not take any questions.

The press conferance ends. Nothing is accomplished.

90 - Mass Confession

12.7.06

The Audience Scattered.
Those Who Came Together Are Spread Apart.
All Are Alone.

Quiet.
A Dark Room (No Light.)
Silence.

Pause.

A Voice.

“Alone, and in the dark, the act of confession is easier when you remain anonymous. Now you are anonymous. We invite you to take this time to reflect. What weight is pressed upon your chest? What do you have left to confess?”

Pause.

Voices.

Confessions Are Initiated.
None Of Them False (Hopefully).
All Of Them Anonymous.

Slowly The Lights Come Up.
The Confessions Will Surely Fade Away.
The Audience Reconnects.

89

12.6.06

Slowly, as a marching band enters, the HERALD reads a scroll…

HERALD
WHAT COULD YOU BECOME IN THE AGE OF FUN
WHEN THE SUN SHONE DOWN WITH TERRIBLE DECAY AND LIGHT?
BUT A FIBER IN THE YARN THAT THE EARTH HAD SPUN
YOU WON WHAT YOU HAD WON WITHOUT PUTTING UP A FIGHT
AND YOUR EARLY DAYS WERE FILLED WITH LIFE AND YOUTH AND HOPE
IN YOUR LATER YEARS YOU THINK YOU’LL FIND IT ALL A TROPE
BUT YOU PLEDGED AN OATH WHEN YOU DECIDED YOU’D ELOPE
AND THAT’S WHY YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A CHILD
WHAT COULD YOU ACHIEVE WHEN ALL YOU DO IS CHEAT
SINCE CHEATERS RAISED YOUR CHEATING WAYS SINCE YOU WERE SMALL?
BUT YOU FAILED LOVE’S ONLY TEST IN YOUR QUEST TO BEAT IT
CHEATING MADE YOU LOSE THE GRADE, AND SO YOU LOST IT ALL
AND YOU RELEARN THINGS YOU ALREADY KNEW, FOR LOVE
IN YOUR DIARY YOU DRAW AN ACCOUNT OF THINGS YOU DO FOR LOVE
BUT YOU SAID SOMETHING YOU HARDLY THOUGHT WAS TRUE, FOR LOVE
AND THAT’S WHY YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A CHILD
WHAT COULD YOU HAVE SEEN BEYOND THE GLAMOUR OF THE KING?
WHAT DIAMONDS COULD YOU FIND WHEN THE ROUGH IS MIRED IN GOLD?
IN THE VALLEY OF THE FLASHBULBS AND OTHER SHINY THINGS
THE CARPET’S RED WITH YOUR DEAD BLOOD MAKING YOU GROW OLD
AND YOU REPEAT STEPS THAT YOU ALREADY WALKED IN YOUR GAIT
THROUGH THE CORRIDORS AND OUR THE DOOR AND PAST THE GATE
BUT YOU TOLD HIM RIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT THAT YOU COULD WAIT
AND THOSE LIES HAVE LEFT YOUR LOVE DEFILED
BREAKS YOU BRAIN AND MAKES YOU HEART BEAT WILD
AND YOU’LL GROW UP DIM AND CARELESS AND MILD
WHEN YOU COULD HAVE TOPPLED THE TOP OF THE PILE
AND THAT’S WHY YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A CHILD

88

12.5.06

JUSTIS
You don’t stand a chance, darling.

COLUMBA (blind)
Come over here and fight like a man!

JUSTIS
I am over here….now I’m over here!

COLUMBA (blind and swinging)

JUSTIS
Watch where you point that thing, you might poke an eye out!

COLUMBA (blind)
When I’m done with you, they’ll find your body in a trash compactor smashed to a million pieces! Stand still!

JUSTIS
Aww, don’t you want to offer me a truce first?

COLUMBA (blind)
I’ll bury you alive!

JUSTIS
See, I don’t foresee that in the visible future…

COLUMBA (blind and swinging)

JUSTIS
Ok, ok. Seriously. This game is getting old.

COLUMBA (blind)
Giving up so soon, savage sinner? Running out of room?

JUSTIS
No, but aren’t you getting tired of this?

COLUMBA (terrible)
NEVER!

COLUMBA (blind and swinging)

JUSTIS (hit)

COLUMBA (blind)
A hit!

HA! You said I would never win!
But I got you, yes I certainly did!

I win!

Hear that?

…hello?


Are you still there or did you run away in fear?

COLUMBA (sighted)
Oh lord what have I done?

COLUMBA (blind again, standing triumphantly)
Is there any question of my divinity?

87

12.4.06

+
Minus?

-
Yer-hmm?

+
Wanna hear a joke?

-
Suuuuuure.

+
Why did the chicken cross the road?

-
I dunno, why?

+
No, I’m asking you.

-
Oh. I don’t know.

+
Me neither.

-
What about the joke?

+
No. I was just asking you if you wanted to hear one. I don’t actually know any jokes.

86 - In The Park

12.3.06

LDY reaches into MBETH’s head.

LDY
Where is it?

MBETH
I don’t know…

LDY
C’mon! Where did you put it?

MBETH
I’m telling you, I don’t know!

LDY is elbow deep into MBETH’s skull

LDY
Is this it?

MBETH
OW! No!

LDY
Sorry…oh wait! I found it!

MBETH
Well pull it out and close me up! I’m getting twitchy…

LDY pulls an 8ball out of MBETH’s skull, closing the lid.

LDY
It’s all wet and gooey with brains…

MBETH
Well it’s my last one. Take it or leave it.

LDY
No, its fine. This’ll do. Got a light?

MBETH
Are you kidding me? Jesus, be quick about, ok?

LDY
Sorry…

MBETH
This is seriously bad for my health.

LDY opens up MBETH’s chest.

LDY
There’s nothing there.

MBETH
What?

LDY
It’s empty.

MBETH
Well sht. What do we do now?

LDY
How the fck should I know?

MBETH
This is so typical.

LDY
We could eat it?

MBETH
I’m not eating it.

LDY
Why not?

MBETH
Because then you’ll just reach in my belly to pull it out again. Uh-uh. No way.

LDY
Do you have any other ideas?

MBETH
Close me up!

LDY
Close yourself up.

LDY closes MBETH’s chest.

LDY
Oh wait! I just remembered!

MBETH
What?

LDY
I found a match on the ground yesterday…

MBETH
Like a book or just a match?

LDY
Just the match…

MBETH
How are you supposed to light it then?

LDY
It’s one of, HERE IT IS! It’s one of those strike anywhere dealies. See?

MBETH
Ok, so do you have a pipe? You don’t have a pipe, do you? Alright, look in the back.

SHIFT SU enters on a bicycle, pursued by GEORGE on foot. Laughter. Bicycle bells.

GEORGE
Slow down!

SU
Aren’t you having fun?

GEORGE
Yeah, but slow down! Let me catch my breath!

SU
Fatass.

GEORGE
I can’t keep up! You’ve got my bike!

SU
Bike this!

GEORGE
Bike this?

SU
Yeah. Bike. This.

GEORGE
What does that even mean?

SU
Bike me.

GEORGE
Believe me, I’d bike to.

SU
C’mere.

A kiss.

SU
What time is?

GEORGE
Late. So late it’s early. So…Early.

SU
There’s no one here…

GEORGE
What? No…

SU
Pssh…

GEORGE
What about my bike?

SU
Nobody’s going to take it. It’s a piece of crap.

GEORGE
…Do you think we can be quiet?

SU
Oh my god!

GEORGE
What? What is it?

SU
Your arm! What happened to your arm?

GEORGE
What?

SU
It’s bleeding! Did that just happen just now?

GEORGE
Must’ve happened while I was chasing you…I don’t even really feel it.

SU
This looks pretty serious…

GEORGE
Do you think it needs stitches? What do you think I should do?

SU
Tough call.

GEORGE
I think it needs stitches.

SU
Oh, no, yeah, totally, definitely. But I’m wondering if we should wait a while.

GEORGE
For what? …what? No! Are you kidding me?

SU
All this blood is turning me on…

GEORGE
This is a joke, right?

SU
Serious as a heart attack…

GEORGE
I don’t want anymore.

LDY
Why not?

MBETH
Because I said so. I’m tired of it.

LDY
Tired of what?

GEORGE
Love.

SU
Sex?

MBETH
Drugs…

LDY
Whatever.

MBETH/GEORGE
I don’t want it anymore.

LDY
It’s your hit.

SU
We’ll take you to the hospital after…

LDY
Clean you up. This sht scrapes your insides and fills them with whipped cream.

GEORGE
Is that supposed to be appealing?

MBETH
You can have the rest.

GEORGE
Need to get fixed up.

MBETH
I feel broken.

SU kisses MBETH. Meanwhile:

GEORGE
I’m going to the clinic. Are you coming with me?

LDY
I don’t want to go to the gddamn clinic! I told you a million times before!

GEORGE
I definitely need stitches, and there’s no way I’m going to sit around and fck first…

LDY
Fine. You go your way, I’ll go my way, sucker.

GEORGE
Where are you going with my bike?

LDY
What does it look like? I’m taking it!

GEORGE
Hey! Come back!

Exit LDY pursued by GEORGE.

SU
What is this?

MBETH
Why are you stopping?

SU
Is this a tooth? Gross! Did you just spit one of your teeth into my mouth?

MBETH
It must have fallen out…

SU
That is so sick…look at it, it’s like, green…

MBETH
Could you put I back in?

SU
No, I wanna look at it for a minute.

SU holds the tooth up to the light.

MBETH
What are you looking at?

SU
Small rodents like gerbils have killer teeth. Like, literally, it kills them. Sometimes. They have to chew and chew and chew all the time to wear them down, or their teeth grow too long and either break through their mouth or cut up into their brain. If they live too long, they stop being able to fight it. Inevitably, it kills them. Unless something else kills them first. I didn’t believe it either, at first, but then I read about it in a book and in a magazine, and heard someone mention it on Mtv. So it has to be true.

MBETH
Please put it back.

SU
What if I don’t wanna?

MBETH
Please?

Pause. SU reaches into MBETH’s mouth and puts the tooth where it belongs. Blackout.

85 - a peice of pi

12.2.06

Walking in circles…

THREE
.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679821480865132823066470938446095505822317253594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489549303819644288109756659334461284756482337867831652712019091456485669234603486104543266482133936072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678925903600113305305488204665213841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173819326117931051185480744623799627495673518857527248912279381830119491298336733624406566430860213949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931767523846748184676694051320005681271452635608277857713427577896091736371787214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469083026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378387528865875332083814206171776691473035982534904287554687311595628638823537875937519577818577805321712268066130019278766111959092164201989380952572010654858632788659361533818279682303019520353018529689957736225994138912497217752834791315155748572424541506959508295331168617278558890750983817546374649393192550604009277016711390098488240128583616035637076601047101819429555961989467678374494482553797747268471040475346462080466842590694912933136770289891521047521620569660240580381501935112533824300355876402474964732639141992726042699227967823547816360093417216412199245863150302861829745557067498385054945885869269956909272107975093029553211653449872027559602364806654991198818347977535663698074265425278625518184175746728909777727938000816470600161452491921732172147723501414419735685481613611573525521334757418494684385233239073941433345477624168625189835694855620992192221842725502542568876717904946016534668049886272327917860857843838279679766814541009538837863609506800642251252051173929848960841284886269456042419652850222106611863067442786220391949450471237137869609563643719172874677646575739624138908658326459958133904780275900994657640789512694683983525957098258226205224894077267194782684826014769909026401363944374553050682034962524517493996514314298091906592509372216964615157098583874105978859597729754989301617539284681382686838689427741559918559252459539594310499725246808459872736446958486538367362226260991246080512438843904512441365497627807977156914359977001296160894416948685558484063534220722258284886481584560285060168427394522674676788952521385225499546667278239864565961163548862305774564980355936345681743241125150760694794510965960940252288797108931456691368672287489405601015033086179286809208747609178249385890097149096759852613655497818931297848216829989487226588048575640142704775551323796414515237462343645428584447952658678210511413547357395231134271661021359695362314429524849371871101457654035902799344037420073105785390621983874478084784896833214457138687519435064302184531910484810053706146806749192781911979399520614196634287544406437451237181921799983910159195618146751426912397489409071864942319615679452080951465502252316038819301420937621378559566389377870830390697920773467221825625996615014215030680384477345492026054146659252014974428507325186660021324340881907104863317346496514539057962685610055081066587969981635747363840525714591028970641401109712062804390397595156771577004203378699360072305587631763594218731251471205329281918261861258673215791984148488291644706095752706957220917567116722910981690915280173506712748583222871835209353965725121083579151369882091444210067510334671103141267111369908658516398315019701651511685171437657618351556508849099898599823873455283316355076479185358932261854896321329330898570642046752590709154814165498594616371802709819943099244889575712828905923233260972997120844335732654893823911932597463667305836041428138830320382490375898524374417029132765618093773444030707469211201913020330380197621101100449293215160842444859637669838952286847831235526582131449576857262433441893039686426243410773226978028073189154411010446823252716201052652272111660396665573092547110557853763466820653109896526918620564769312570586356620185581007293606598764861179104533488503461136576867532494416680396265797877185560845529654126654085306143444318586769751456614068007002378776591344017127494704205622305389945613140711270004078547332699390814546646458807972708266830634328587856983052358089330657574067954571637752542021149557615814002501262285941302164715509792592309907965473761255176567513575178296664547791745011299614890304639947132962107340437518957359614589019389713111790429782856475032031986915140287080859904801094121472213179476477726224142548545403321571853061422881375850430633217518297986622371721591607716692547487389866549494501146540628433663937900397692656721463853067360965712091807638327166416274888800786925602902284721040317211860820419000422966171196377921337575114959501566049631862947265473642523081770367515906735023507283540567040386743513622224771589150495309844489333096340878076932599397805419341447377441842631298608099888687413260472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note: please recite every number.

84

12.1.06

Enter ATLAS, upside down.

ATLAS
NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE
WHEN YOU PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME
I GET A FEVER THAT’S SO HARD TO BEAR

Enter CHORUS, one by one…

ATLAS
YOU GIVE ME FEVER WHEN YOU KISS ME
FEVER WHEN YOU HOLD ME TIGHT
FEVER IN THE MORNING
FEVER ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT.

EVERYBODY’S GOT THE FEVER
THAT IS SOMETHING YOU ALL KNOW
FEVER ISN’T SUCH A NEW THING
FEVER STARTED LONG AGO

The CHORUS becomes a SUN and MOON.

ATLAS
SUN LIGHTS UP THE DAYTIME
MOON LIGHTS UP THE NIGHT
I LIGHT UP WHEN YOU CALL MY NAME
AND YOU KNOW I’M GONNA TREAT YOU RIGHT

YOU GIVE ME FEVER WHEN YOU KISS ME
FEVER WHEN YOU HOLD ME TIGHT
FEVER IN THE MORNING
FEVER ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT.

The SUN and MOON dance.
The SUN and MOON kiss.
The SUN eats the MOON.

ATLAS
ROMEO LOVED JULIET
JULIET SHE FELT THE SAME
WHEN HE PUT HIS ARMS AROUND HER
HE SAID JULIE, BABY, YOU’RE MY FLAME
THOU GIV-EST FEVER WHEN WE KISSETH
FEVER WITH THE FLAMING YOUTH
FEVER I’M AFIRE
FEVER YEA I BURN FOR SOOTH

The CHORUS swoons.
The CHORUS kills itself.

ATLAS
YOU GIVE ME FEVER WHEN YOU KISS ME
FEVER WHEN YOU HOLD ME TIGHT
FEVER IN THE MORNING
FEVER ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT
FEVER IF YOU LIVE AND LEARN
FEVER TILL YOU SIZZLE
WHAT A LOVELY WAY TO BURN
WHAT A LOVELY WAY TO BURN
WHAT A LOVELY WAY TO BURN

Fade out.

83 - A Visible Man

11.30.06

IN THE DARK

A Door creaks open and slams closed

Steps

A glass breaks

“Shit”

Crunchy, glass-filled steps

A chair gets moved

A bottle is uncorked

Liquor is poured

Ice added

Gulps

A satisfied breath

Gulps

More liquor poured

The chair squeaks as it bears weight

Shoes are kicked off

Socks are pulled off

A gulp

A belch

A deep sigh

A fart

Scratches

The last of the liquor poured

“Goddamnit”

The chair is knocked over

Barefoot steps

A cabinet is opened

Another bottle is uncorked

Sniffs

A single crunchy barefoot step

Deep, guttural creams

A chair is tripped over

The bottle breaks

“COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!”

Glass squeaks as it is pulled from a bare foot

“GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SONOFABITCH!”

LIGHT

A man in a grey suit with a red tie, blind, bloodied & bewildered, writhes on the floor. He shields his eyes

“What the…? Whatthefuck are you doing up? Go back to bed before I kick your goddamn little ass! Go on! GO!”

Tiny scampers

“Hey! Get back here! Turn the fucking light off! Jesus!”

The man stands on one leg and hobbles to the lightswitch

“Lights don’t grow on fucking…trees. Fucking…fuck…
What am I? Made of gold?”

LIGHTS OUT

82 - ...the INVISIBLE!

11.29.06

One or the Other unseen by the audience.

DOCTOR
Vitals are good. Temperature is reasonable. BP is right on. Immune system is back up to snuff. I think we can officially call this whole procedure a success. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and say it. This has been a complete success.

INVISIBLE
I’m chilly.

DOCTOR
We can have you put on some clothes in a moment. For now I need to have my interns run a few additional tests and procedures.

INVISIBLE
I thought you said this was a success.

DOCTOR
Oh it is, most definitely.

INVISIBLE
So what’s with the more tests?

DOCTOR
Completely necessary. Firstly, I need to get some ground zero data entry in on you. We’ll be sending you out into the world again soon and I want to know how your stats change in an uncontrolled environment. ALSO. Also I want to have the interns take a look…um….I want to have the interns run some of your exams under my supervision.

INVISIBLE
But I’m naked.

DOCTOR
Yes, well, they can’t see that can they?

INVISIBLE
I guess not…

DOCTOR
Precisely. So what do you have to worry about? Nothing.

INVISIBLE
What if they touch something accidentally?

DOCTOR
Raise your right arm please. Thank you.

INVISIBLE
How do you know I raised my arm?

DOCTOR
I heard you shift. Other arm. Other arm please. Don’t just skootch your butt on the table, raise your left arm. Thank you.

INVISIBLE
Am I the world’s first invisible person?

DOCTOR
You are indeed. Rich too. Your pension is bigger than my salary.

INVISIBLE
Will the others get paid as much as me?

DOCTOR
Others?

INVISIBLE
You’re doing this again, right?

DOCTOR
Not for a while. Ok, I’m going to give you a list of things you can and cannot do.

INVISIBLE
Wait. Hold up. I don’t want to talk about that right now.

DOCTOR
We only have about ten minutes for this session…

INVISIBLE
You said any time I had questions I could ask them.

DOCTOR
Alright. One. After that I need to go through this checklist with you.

INVISIBLE
Why not have the interns do it? Give us more time to talk.

DOCTOR
Because I barely trust the interns to take your temperature when I’m not watching. Ask.

INVISIBLE
Why don’t you trust your interns?

DOCTOR
Is that your question?

INVISIBLE
It’s A question.

DOCTOR
I don’t trust my interns because you are the single most valuable human being alive today. They are among the most highly decorated young medical practitioners in the country, but no amount of training will ever reiterate to them the importance of this project and of you as its culmination. Because they make mistakes. Costly, costly mistakes. That is why I don’t trust my interns.

INVISIBLE
The mistakes, did they make the big ones you told me about?

DOCTOR
Yes.

INVISIBLE
The ones with the skin problems?

DOCTOR
Yes, and the burning.

INVISIBLE
Can I ask you one last question? What was the worst mistake you ever saw?

DOCTOR
In this project? Well. We’ve had seven participants including you. The one before you was close, real close, but an intern forgot to wash their hands or something and the subject caught a rhinovirus. That’s why we kept you in isolation until your immune system kicked back in. Our first subject was a massive failure in the application stage. Spent twice as much on that one as we did on you, but there was a problem with dosage and we wound up scrapping the whole process before any level of transparency could be completed. I think that person’s walking around with translucent veins and arteries now.

INVISIBLE
What was the worst you saw?

DOCTOR
I just told you-

INVISIBLE
I mean the absolute worst. I already knew about the one that caught a cold in the last stage and the one that didn’t disappear. And I’m not just talking about the people neither.

DOCTOR
Through this whole project? As long as I’ve been involved? That’s a tough one. I’ve performed dissections on mice whose insides vanished so they looked all hollowed out. That was intentional though. We had some issues when we worked on canines about twelve years back. Skin would disappear, but the muscle would be visible. That repeated as a primary symptom on two of our human subjects before they boiled out. But we couldn’t see that when it happened. No, the worst thing I saw was when I was working on the chimps, under the previous chair. Real dick. No bedside manner. He would just order randomized changes in dosage levels, just to see what would happen. Sick. It’s what got him fired, eventually, when the videos surfaced. Almost had the whole project exposed.

INVISIBLE
I saw those videos.

DOCTOR
You had to. No way they were going to let me proceed unless you were totally informed.

INVISIBLE
Ok. You can give me your list now.

DOCTOR
My list? Oh, the list, right. This is a list of cans and cannots. Really its mostly cannots. I see there are some obvious ones, which don’t need much explanation. I’ll skim them for now, you can reread them later…ok…don’t use your transparency for criminal enterprises at any time, anyway we got the gps in you now, so we’d know if you broke into a bank vault or anything…No initiation of sexual contact. That’s a good one to note, you can’t fool around with anyone who doesn’t initiate first. I know it seems weird, but it has to with consent, and our liability if a blow up should happen. Don’t seek medical advice from anyone outside the program’s affiliation. I know I’ll be busy most of the time, but it’s important. I’m serious, some idiot family practitioner gives you an aspirin and your could have a stroke the second it hits your stomach. Also, no over the counter anything, come back here for whatever you would normally buy at Walgreens or Osco or whatever. This is a funny one, don’t jaywalk. That makes sense. Wait, where did you go?

INVISIBLE
I’m over here. Why can’t I jaywalk?

DOCTOR
You can’t jaywalk because no one can see you. Please sit back on the table.

INVISIBLE
Oh. Right. Sorry.

DOCTOR
You know what? Reading through this list, there isn’t much else you can’t read for yourself come to think of it. Basically, you need to walk on egg shells.

INVISIBLE
Is that good for my feet?

DOCTOR
No, I mean you need to maintain a cautious and focused effort to stay out of trouble.

INVISIBLE
Okay.

DOCTOR
You’re worth billions of dollars you know.

INVISIBLE
I know.

DOCTOR
We’re counting on you.

INVISIBLE
Okay, I get it.

DOCTOR
Alright, well, I’ll go get you some clothes and some body paint for now. Remember not to apply it for more than 30 hours in a single week, otherwise you’ll get some gnarly hives. How was your meeting with the optometrist? Did the contacts look right?

INVISIBLE
Yeah, fine. When does this wear off?

DOCTOR
When does what wear off? Are you still drowsy?

INVISIBLE
No. I mean this, the whole invisibility thing.

DOCTOR
Very funny.

INVISIBLE
I’m not joking.

DOCTOR
You’re serious?

INVISIBLE
Uh. Yeah.

DOCTOR
Jesus, didn’t you read your initiation packet?

INVISIBLE
I skimmed it, what? When does it wear off?

DOCTOR
The agent has a half life of like six thousand years, so it ain’t wearin’ off any time soon.

INVISIBLE
But I’ll be visible again soon, right? People will be able to see me, right?

DOCTOR
No, what did I just say? The effects are irreversible. That’s why we’re paying you so much money, we kept telling you time and time again…What are you doing? Stop hyperventilating, you’re going to make yourself pass out. There. Slow breaths. That’s right. Take it nice and slow…Hello? You still awake? …Are you still with me…?

A glass breaks.

DOCTOR
Get back on the table!

INVISIBLE
No!

DOCTOR
Where are you?

INVISIBLE
Fuck you!

DOCTOR
The doors are locked. You’re not going anywhere. AH!

INVISIBLE
I’ll have to take your keys then.

DOCTOR
Get your hand out of my pocket! The keys aren’t in there!

INVISIBLE
Let go of my arm!

DOCTOR
OWWW!

Pounding on the door.

INVISIBLE
Let me out of here!

DOCTOR
You nearly bit my fucking ear off!

INVISIBLE
Somebody help me!

DOCTOR
Get over here!

INVISBLE
Get away from me!

DOCTOR
Sit down so we can discuss this, please.

INVISIBLE
No!

DOCTOR
No one’s going to let you out. We told you from the very beginning that this would completely alter your lifestyle. Now if you can sit down for a minute so we can discuss this like adults, I can go over your compensation package and I’m sure you’ll feel a whole lot better…Okay? Please, calm down and listen, alright?

An INTERN enters and stands in the doorway.

INTERN
Excuse me, Doctor, could you just sign my internship hours for the week, oh and who was that shouting a minute ago-

The INTERN gets knocked down. The door slams shut.

INTERN
Golly. What the heck was that?

81

11.28.06

An aged oak table, with a half filled bottle of whiskey. Enter MERLE. He produces a dried flower and carefully places it in the bottle. He is alone.

MERLE
In the name of the father and the son and the holy spirit, amen.
Lord.
It’s been a good year for a lot of us.
Jake down there at the auto shop says business is steady. Says a bunch of the town’s beaters are finally starting to break down, which I’d never wish on no one, but everyone sees the silver lining. His kids look well fed and warm this winter. And Jake, he should have his gamblin’ debts paid off by February. You kept him away from the table for a full nine months now, Lord. Should be proud of yourself.
Miranda at the old folk’s home has really caught her stride, now she’s been there for a while. Much better than the factory job, she says. I talked to her last week, and she gave me some dried flowers she picked the day she got hired. She’s getting a bit chubby again, though. Not too chubby, you know, it’s a good sign and all, but she doesn’t have that hollowness to her she used to have, you know? I guess you got to trade some things in.
I’ve been calling Kris and Kendall over and over, but I don’t think they want to talk anymore. Good for them. Good to move on. Wouldn’t want to be a burden. Not looking for forgiveness, you know? I can keep my own head up, I don’t want to send anyone else crashing down just to ease my aches.
Heard some rather pretty music last night. I couldn’t really make it out. Some flutes. Went nice with the snow, listened through the car window, think it was Christmas music. I had to close it though, on account of the cold. It was my hands, you know? They got too cold. I can usually take the cold, but my hands…Anyway, there wasn’t anything in my glove compartment. Remember when I used to keep a flask there? It was a warm memory for me, sitting there and listen to those flutes.
The window fogged up from all my heavy breathing. I breath with my mouth open now, Lord. And my breath froze to the window and made all these patterns. There were cold repeating swirls and spirals that went nice with the snow falling down.
Thursday was tough for me.
I couldn’t get through it without thinking about all that time. Where does it all go? Where do you put all that time when we’re done with it? Or does it just blow out our tailpipes like some smoky exhaust? I just needed some fuel lord. That’s all. A higher power wasn’t doing it for me Thursday night.
Anyway, its been a couple days since then, and I’m doing better. And I didn’t get back in the car this time until I knew it was all over. I really just wanted to apologize to you and to Rose, you know, since the kids won’t let me. Can you just tell me it’s alright?
Lord.
Tell me it’s alright lord…
In the name… of the father and the son and the holy spirit. Amen.

MERLE picks up the flower and throws it to the floor, gulping.

80

11.27.06

11111
Pi-Zi-Ca-To (repeated indefinitely)

22222
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaygaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahtooooooooooooooooooooh

33333
TremoloTremoloTremoloTremoloTremoloTremoloTremoloTremoloTremoloTremolo

22222 & 33333
Pi-Zi-Ca-To Pi-Zi-Ca-To Pi-Zi-Ca-To Pi-Zi-Ca-To Pi-Zi-Ca-To

79

11.26.06

PART ONE

“In”

People Gather Merrily.
A Bomb Goes Off On Stage.
Short Aftermath.

Black.

PART TWO

“Out Jazz”

6 performers explore every aspect of their instruments in a palpable amount of time. The remnants of the explosion remain, but fade. Here all narrative is erased, as a story is not the priority. The aim of our 6 performers is to create everything they possibly can using themselves.

PART THREE

Since foreign gore and blood is infinite
We flew beyond the dark side of the moon
“Oh brave new world, that has such people in’t”
Our eyes adjusted to the dark of noon

We saw we see we’ll seek a better grave
Removed from bullets’ brides and husbands dead
A future we were told we could have saved
Before we thought about what we had said

So far we are to know not what we do
Our spaceships flying through the awful maw
We love each other’s fists into our mouths
And say these words like treading in the sea

Are you with the government? You a cop?
I said, are you a cop? Get the fuck out!

78

11.25.06

Lights up.




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PERFORMER
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ’ mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee nngngngngngngngngngngngngngngngngngngngngn ttttttttttt oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ooooooooooooooooooooooo ou uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ththththththththththththth eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss oooooooooooooooooooooooo - cccccc aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllD “ththththththththththththth iiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrD Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww oooooooooooooooooooooooooo rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllD.”

PAUSE.
A GIANT STACK OF PAPERWORK
FALLS HEAVILY TO THE GROUND.
PAUSE.
A SIGH.
T H E P E R F O R M E R S L O W L Y
P R O D U C E S A P E N C I L A N D
L I C K S T H E U N S A V O R Y T I P.
PAUSE.
ANOTHER SIGH.


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Lights out.

77 Poor Worm! Thou art infected!

11.24.06

Enter PROSPERO

PROSPERO
Should I stand here? Or here? Where should I stand?

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Um, there is fine.

PROSPERO
Okay. I’ll stand right here.
Am I inside my light?

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Just stand right there.

PROSPERO
Alright, okay. I’ll just shut up for now.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Can we get makeup on our Prospero?
Um, now? We’re rolling…hey! Where’s makeup? LIZ!

LIZ enters. Puffs PROSPERO.

PROSPERO
Tonight I dine on turtle soup with you,
And Donatello is dessert, deeeeseerrrrt.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Stay quiet on the set please, Prospero.

Exit LIZ.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Okay, are we still rolling? Yes we are? Okay.
And Prospero? Okay in 5…4…3…

PROSPERO
…yo-yo, wassup? Its VJ Prospero!
Here I am telln’ you bout the hottest
New trends in Pop! But first a word from our
Most awesome and bodacious sponsors! Word!
…What was that one? Was that one number four?
…did we get it or can I do one more?

76

11.23.06

A large silver dish with a silver cover. The theme from “Seinfeld” plays in the background. Lights up. The cover is removed.

A middle aged comedian looks on with fear. Screams.

The sound of dozens of hungry turkeys licking their lips. A giant fork and knife descend over the dish. Lights out.

Lights up. The comedian, dressed as a stereotypical “Indian” (complete with a single feather and war paint) does a fake rain dance. Interrupting the proceedings, a turkey dressed as a pilgrim enters and blows the Indian away with a musket. Lights out.

“Over the river and through the woods” begins to play. The comedian enters with a “family.” They “drive their car” to “grandmother’s house.” A veil is lifted, revealing a map of America, each state or region being held up by a non-descript person. The states/regions do a dance with the comedian and his “family” as they drive through America. After the comedian passes each state/region, the respective non-descript person begins to cough, gag, weeze, vomit and choke to death. The comedian and “family” hop over the dead bodies unaware that anything really awful has happened, until the comedian trips on one of them.

CURTAIN CALL
All the performers stand in a row, blow one big kiss to the audience and shout (in the manner of a 1st grade classroom)

PERFORMERS
THANK YOU VERY VERY MUCH!

75

11.22.06

IN THE ASPHODEL MEADOWS. A CHORUS plays and modulates continuously. A CHORUS hums along.

CHORUS
TODAY IS EVERYDAY-AND EVERY DAY IS HELL
THE SAME
The same thing is everything is everything the same?
The same damn thing is everything the same?
The same old same old same old same
The same game of same game
The same is the same
WOE ARE WE - THE RADIO IS PLAYING AVRIL LAVIGNE!
I’m sad but rebellious and spunky!
WE ACOMPLISHED NOTHING IN LIFE AND SO WE REAP NO FRUIT IN DEATH
WE ARE MADE TO SUFFER FOR OUR LACK OF SINS
SINSATIONLESS
WE HAVE NOT VOTED AND THUS
WOE ARE WE!
WE ARE RULED BY A TYRANT WE DID NOT ELECT
WOE ARE WE!
HERE COMES HE NOW, THE EMPEROR OF MAN!

Enter EMPEROR.

CHORUS
HAIL GLORIOUS SONY! EMPEROR OF OUR HEARTS AND MINDS!

EMPEROR
Sales are down! Your tributes are waning!

CHORUS
EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE WE CANNOT BE FREE OF HIS COMMAND!

EMPEROR
I will have a mosaic of platinum records on my wall!

CHORUS
HIS MOTIVATIONS ARE QUESTIONABLE!

EMPEROR
I AM UNQUESTIONABLE!

The CHORUS cowers.

CHORUS
OUR PROTESTS GO UNHEARD IN THE ASPHODEL MEADOWS
Why didn’t we say something when we had the chance?!
WILL NO ONE RESCUE US FROM AN ETERNITY OF BOREDOM?

1st CHORUS
I will speak!

EMPEROR
So you will go unheard!

The EMPEROR steals 1st CHORUS’ voice.

CHORUS
HER VOICE IS STOLEN! WE HEAR HER BUT WE CANNOT LISTEN!
Why did none of us care?
WILL NO ONE TEACH US TO STAND FOR SOMETHING?

2nd CHORUS
I will stand!

EMPEROR
You will sit!

The EMPEROR makes the entire CHORUS sit, save REVOLUTIONARY, who stands defiant. The REVOLUTIONARY speaks with a thousand voices.

REVOLUTIONARY
I WILL NEVER BEND TO YOUR WILL NEVERENDING
IN LIFE I WAS A SLOTH IN DEATH I AM A FAST MOVING THING
IN LIFE I WAS A SLOTH IN DEATH I AM A FAST MOVING THING
IN LIFE IN LIFE DEATH
IN LIFE IN LIFE DEATH
IN LIFE I WAS A GOTH IN DEATH I AM A KING!

EMPEROR
Demon spawn!

REVOLUTIONARY
HIGH-WAY TO HELL!

CHORUS
A HERO EMERGES!


REVOLUTIONARY
Fahfahfah fah fah fahfahfah fah fah

EMPEROR
Loud nonsense!

CHORUS
FAHFAHFAH FAH FAH FAHFAHFAH FAH FAH YOUBETTA…

EMPEROR
The rebellion spreads!

REVOLUTIONARY
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death/
I take a look at my life and realize there’s nothing left!

CHORUS
COOLIO!
COOLIO!
Coo! Lee!
OOHHH!

EMPEROR
There is but one thing I can do to maintain my empire!
Sign with me today, and you will rule the Asphodel Plains tomorrow!

REVOLUTIONARY
That’ll be the day-ay-ay…when I die!

EMPEROR
I will make you last for ever! A legend! A hero of the greatest myths!

CHORUS
WE WORSHIP YOU!

REVOLUTIONARY
Very superstitious…

EMPEROR
Writing’s on the wall…

REVOLUTIONARY
Very superstitious!

CHORUS
DO ALL THAT YOU CAN!
EMPEROR
I can spread your message and give you new life!

REVOLUTIONARY
‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky…

EMPEROR
I can make you live forever!

A GASP from the CHORUS.

REVOLUTIONARY
Alright, where do I sign?

EMPEROR
On the dotted line.

REVOLUTIONARY
On the dotted line?

EMPEROR
On the dotted line.

CHORUS
ON THE DOTTED LINE
DON’T YOU EVER SIGN
ON THE DOTTED LINE!

The REVOLUTIONARY signs, sings.

REVOLUTIONARY
HEY! HO! LEMME HEAR YOU SAY HEY! HO!

CHORUS
Dude, whatever.

REVOLUTIONARY
DON’T PASS ME BY…

CHORUS
God, I am so sick of hearing that.
WE KNOW, LIKE, TOTALLY!

The CHORUS exits bored and chatty. The EMPEROR tears up the contract. The REVOLUTIONARY grows fat and old, eventually playing a bit part on some crappy reality show.

74

11.21.06

A MAD SCIENTIST LAB. Over an intercom we hear:

[ONE EGG McMUFFIN]

MAD SCIENTIST
EGG McMUFFIN!

The MAD SCIENTIST brews and bubbles, shocks and jolts, and mixes different colored dry ice concoctions together. In a stunning finale, the MAD SCIENTIST produces:

MAD SCIENTIST
ONE EGG McMUFFIN!

and sends the McMuffin away in a pneumatic tube.
Over the intercom we hear:

[ONE GRANDE WHITE CHOCOLATE MOCHA]

MAD SCIENTIST
GRANDE WHITE CHOCOLATE MOCHA!

The MAD SCIENTIST goes to work again.

MAD SCIENTIST
ONE GRANDE WHITE CHOCOLATE MOCHA!

Over the intercom we hear:

[ONE CEASAR SALAD ONE CHALUPA]

MAD SCIENTIST
CEASAR SALAD! CHALUPA!

The MAD SCIENTIST doubles the pace.

MAD SCIENTIST
ONE CEASAR SALAD!

The MAD SCIENTIST becomes frenetic.

MAD SCIENTIST
ONE CHALUPA!

Over the intercom we hear:

[SIX VENTI SOY LATTES HOLD THE WHIP ON TWO EXTRA WHIP ON ONE, SEVEN BLUEBERRY MUFFINS TWO NONFAT THREE LOWFAT TWO REGULAR, THREE SMALL FRIES, THREE LARGE FRIES, TWO MEDIUM CURLY FRIES, 1 ORDER BUFFALO WINGS, ONE MCMUFFIN, THREE CHALUPAS ONE HOLD THE CREAM ONE EXTRA CREAM, SEVENTEEN LARGE COKES EIGHT DIET TWO CAFFEINE FREE THREE CAFFEINE FREE DIET, TEN WHOPPERS TWO HOLD THE CHEESE EIGHT WITH EVERYTHING, FOUR MEATBALL SANDWICHES AND A LOWFAT TURKEY SLIM WITH EXTRA AFALFA SPROUTS]

After a moment of bewilderment, the MAD SCIENTIST grabs an empty Tupperware container. The MAD SCIENTIST opens the container, farts in it and closes the container as quickly as possible.

MAD SCIENTIST
SIX VENTI SOY LATTES HOLD THE WHIP ON TWO EXTRA WHIP ON ONE, SEVEN BLUEBERRY MUFFINS TWO NONFAT THREE LOWFAT TWO REGULAR, THREE SMALL FRIES, THREE LARGE FRIES, TWO MEDIUM CURLY FRIES, 1 ORDER BUFFALO WINGS, ONE MCMUFFIN, THREE CHALUPAS ONE HOLD THE CREAM ONE EXTRA CREAM, SEVENTEEN LARGE COKES EIGHT DIET TWO CAFFEINE FREE THREE CAFFEINE FREE DIET, TEN WHOPPERS TWO HOLD THE CHEESE EIGHT WITH EVERYTHING, FOUR MEATBALL SANDWICHES AND A LOWFAT TURKEY SLIM WITH EXTRA AFALFA SPROUTS!