44 I Believe In Wundyland

10.22.06

Lights on DINKY DOG scratching, as the WUNDYLAND theme song, a dreamy children's anthem plays:

WUNDYLAND THEME
I BELIEVE IN WUNDYLAND
WHERE SMILES ARE FREE AND FUN IS GRAND
FROM OCEAN WAVES TO DESERT SAND
THE WHOLE WORLD SHOULD BE WUNDYLAND!

DINKY DOG
CRABS! CRABS! I GOT CRABS! (itches) Gah! (itches) ih! (itches) bwaaaaaa!
Do you want to know why I got crabs? Because my coworkers, colleagues and fellow citizens of Wundyland are all sex maniacs and pree-verts! That's why. Wundyland laundry policy requires us to have our undergarments washed communally in the Wundyland Washing Wigwam, so somebody's filthy pubic bugs leapt from their rotten tighty-whiteys and avoided drowning in Dinky Dog Detergent by nesting in my unmentionables! (itches) Eeeeeeeerrreeee (itches) ew ew ew ew ew ew ewwwwwww!
But do I say a word? Do I break character? Never. Not while wearing the uniform. Not while “on stage.” I am Dinky Dog. Only here, in the confines of the Wundyland break room, do I say a word. Because the uniform is sacred. When you're inside it, it's like you're walking around wearing a bright fuzzy church. I even took an oath when I became a citizen of Wundyland. It’s tattooed on my brain.

Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV as they recite the oath.

DINKY DOG & WARREN WUNDY IV
I pledge my adherence to the mascot and to the Entertainment Corporation which it represents, WundyWorld, under Dinky Dog, providing limitless jubilation for all.

WARREN WUNDY IV
It still brings a tear to my eye…

Lights out on WARREN WUNDY IV.

DINKY DOG
You can’t complain about anything when in character. The sweat, the heat, the smelly kids and their smelly parents….the crabs, the vow of silence, hearing that same theme song over and over again…it all comes with being a citizen of Wundyland. You knew what you were getting in to when you took the oath in the first place. But you did it anyway, because you love Wundyland and everything it represents.

Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV, eerily well combed with circle framed glasses. Lights out on DINKY DOG.

WARREN WUNDY IV
Wundyland means more than free smiles and limitless jubilation. It represents part of a global economy. Since my grandfather WARREN WUNDY jr. first started the company, WundyWorld corporation has outposts Europe, Asia, the middle east and soon on an offshore oil rig in the south pacific. Not to mention a one hundred billion dollar media outlet, including some of the most memorable animated films of all time. If you were ever a child, odds are WundyWorld corporation has had some hand in the sculpting of your impressionable young mind. And we’re damn proud of it.

Lights out on WARREN WUNDY IV. Lights on A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD, wearing “Dinky Ears.”

A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD
DINKY DOG IS THE COOLEST LIVING THING THAT EVER LIVED! MY favorite Wundy movie is “DOGPUNZEL” where Dinky Dog grows long enough ears that people can come and go from the tower by climbing up there, oh my gosh that would be so cool to do and I could even get to know Dinky Dog if I climbed up because where would Dinky go I mean its not like you can climb down your own ears can you so I would be able to have Dinky all to myself. DINKY DOG FOR PRESIDENT!

Lights out on A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD. Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV.

WARREN WUNDY IV
There are some who question our fervent distribution of products containing high fructose corn syrup to minors who enjoy our parks. I say the more sugared up they are the more fun they have while they’re there. More bang for their buck. Even if they are in the parks from the opening parade to the closing fireworks, they are still paying more than a dollar a minute for their stay in the park. Taxes included of course.

Lights on DINKY DOG.

DINKY DOG
But the park is so much more than a money-grubbing entertainment venture. It’s a way of life. All my friends quote Wundy movies all the time. My license plates read “D1NKYDG” and my car is twenty pounds heavier with bumper stickers featuring characters from Wundy cartoons. I sleep in pajamas covered in little profiles of Lonny the Loon. I work here, year round, six days a week, even though I could have had a law degree from Case Western. I turned them down. I’m not even kidding, I could be making 200k a year, easy, but I decided I would make a run for WundyWorld, and don the suit. Best decision I ever made.

After a pause that reinforces the potential foolishness of such a decision, lights out on DINKY DOG and up on WARREN WUNDY IV.

WARREN WUNDY IV
WundyWorld corporation relies on what we call the “True Believers” in the Wundy oath. For some (presumably good) reason many people are willing to dedicate their lives to my grandfather’s vision. They are the cast members and die hard fans who never give up on their Wundyful dreams of entertainment and imagination. Sadly, it seems the flow of such followers has begun to dry up. Apathy, cynicism and counterculturalism have begun to invade the youth of today, and have weakened the economy of young minds that shaped my grandfather’s vision of the future, as stated in the WundyWorld corporation mission statement: One World, WundyWorld.

Lights out on WARREN WUNDY IV. Lights on VAGUELY DISAFFECTED TEENAGER, who was once A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD.

VAGUELY DISAFFECTED TEENAGER
Whatever, man. Who cares about Wundy? What about, like, the fact that…whatever.

Lights out on VAGUELY DISAFFECTED TEENAGER. Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV and DINKY DOG, who performs a silly dance that becomes increasingly frantic, until the weight of the WundyWorld rests solely on fuzzy shoulders.

WARREN WUNDY IV
Personally, I feel the blame rests squarely on my predecessor’s leadership. Warren Wundy III didn’t truly believe in the bullet points that made this company and this dream so great. My father laid out all of these cockamamie outreach organizations dedicated to helping medical care reach the developing world. HELLO? They can’t afford to go to our parks. I know that sounds cruel, but WundyWorld is a business, not a non for profit. Although god knows we’ve tried… We’re confident that the next generational crop will turn up a whole new batch of “True Believers” in the WundyWorld dream. We’ve stepped up our ad campaign targeted at infants aged six weeks to eighteen months. We’ve diversified into various pharmaceuticals, textiles and home construction affiliates as a means to infiltrate different aspects of daily life to spread the good word. Our analysts predicted that the Latino population would be the fastest growing in the U.S., so ten years ago we ramped up our Spanish language media programming.

DINKY DOG
¡Queremos ir a Wundyland!

DINKY DOG collapses under the weight.

WARREN WUNDY IV
Of course, we’ve experienced a bit of blowback as a result…

Lights up on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER, played by VAGUELY DISENFRANCHISED TEEN.

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
WARREN WUNDY IS A FASCIST AUTOCRAT!

Lights out on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER.

WARREN WUNDY IV
Of course, we’ve all heard these complaints before, and there is clearly no merit to their case. First of all, my great grandfather was not involved in any sort of cult. He didn’t even raise grampa Wundy jr. And as for this ballyhoo regarding a “Wundy nation” that just isn’t the case. We are simply an organization that owns a large amount of acreage around the world, and we set up a “government” of our own to simplify the process of keeping our employees involved. The Wundyland theme parks were never meant to be a democracy. We only call our employees “citizens” as an act of team building branding…

DINKY DOG
Wait, what?

Lights out on WARREN WUNDY IV and DINKY DOG. Lights on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER.

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
WundyWorld was founded by protonazis and wealthy supporters of the K.K.K.! Warren Wundy jr. was actually the son of grand dragon Warren Wundy, who was actually the first to draw up plans to build a “utopian society” without minorities! He even started his own cult, called Wundyism, so that the people who lived in his isolated little world would only worship him! Wundy jr. just converted the whole thing into a business! The cartoons brainwash innocent children! The theme parks are the capitals of Wundy’s growing empire! The “citizens” of Wundyland are no more than cheap slave labor, whose minds have been exploited since childhood to grow a generation of loyal followers to Wundy’s tyrannical vision! Boycott Wundy! Boycott Wundy now! Boycott Wundy forever!

Lights out on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER. Lights on DINKY DOG, exhausted.

DINKY DOG
Warren Wundy never told me to become devoted to WundyWorld. Neither did the hundreds of thousands of members of the WundyClub, or all the citizens of Wundyland. We did it ourselves. We were raised on Wundy movies and cartoons. We all believe in the dream of free smiles for everyone and limitless jubilation for all. We wanted to see all the movies. We wanted to be a part of WundyWorld. Because it’s a part of us. Some of our earliest happy childhood memories come from WundyWorld. I know I don’t want to imagine what my life would be like without Wundy.

Lights on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
They take all their love and devotion and channel it into consumerism and labor.

DINKY DOG
I’m living my dream! I get to live in Wundyland!

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
Pretty soon there will be a whole generation of kids raised to believe that happiness can only be bought, and they’ll be hooked on Wundy media like cartoon crack addicts!

Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV.

WARREN WUNDY IV
All we’re doing is presenting family friendly content that reaches a global audience.

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
They’re pushing content to sell merchandise! They’re hooking your kids on their media!

DINKY DOG
I believe in Wundyland!

WARREN WUNDY IV
We aren’t worried about this latest wave of protests. These things tend to be rather cyclical anyway. We’re confident that a new generation of consumers will come rolling around before things get too bad.

Lights out on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER.

DINKY DOG
I believe in Wundyland!

WARREN WUNDY IV
I assure you, you’re children are safe with us.

DINKY DOG
I believe in Wundyland!

WARREN WUNDY IV
It’s a Wundyful place to be. Especially if you believe in Wundyland.

Lights on A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD,

ALL
I Believe in Wundyland!

The WUNDYLAND Theme Song plays as the light fades.