30

10.7.06

An older man in a nice suit approaches a desk with the day’s paper on it. He sits and makes himself comfortable.

ANCHOR
Are we ready? You ready? I’m ready. OK.

Somewhere from the back we hear a voice count down from five. The voice does not say two or one. The lights become brighter.

ANCHOR
Good evening…

The ANCHOR reads the headlining article of the day aloud to the audience. When he finishes, he takes a breath.

ANCHOR
We’ll be right back after a message from tonight’s sponsor.

The lights dim, and the ANCHOR silently stretches his jowls. From all around we are bombarded with the spirited and bubbly sounds of SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!. We are never sure what SUPER HAPPY FLAKES! are. Frequently during the ad, we hear a cow groaning as if it is being slaughtered. The commercial might be in another language. In any case, it goes something like this:

SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!
SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!
SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!
MAKES YOU LAUGH TIL YOU GET THE SHAKES!
WE DO WHAT IT TAKES!
WE DO WHAT IT TAKES!
WE DO WHAT IT TAKES FOR SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!

SUPER HAPPY FLAKES! and you make one great team. Since 1803, SUPER HAPPY FLAKES! have been putting smiles on faces the world over. Pirates don’t like SUPER HAPPY FLAKES! Are you a pirate? Only if you LOVE SUPER HAPPY FLAKES! Mothers everywhere agree:
“My life is meaningless without SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!”
Act now, and SUPER HAPPY FLAKES! will give you a free GIBBETBABY!
“GIBBETBABY! THIS IS THE GREATEST X-MAS EVER!”
SUPPORT OUR POOPS! (poop sound) SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!
SING ALONG!:
SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!
SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!
FROM THE LAND OF FORTY LAKES!
WHAT EVER YOU MAKE!
WHAT EVER YOU MAKE!
SPEND WHATEVER YOU MAKE ON SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!!

The lights brighten up again. Synthetic artificial trumpet and timpani fanfare now introduces the ANCHOR. The ANCHOR is now younger, more chiseled. Sitting next to him is an ANCHORWOMAN, early 30’s, rather attractive, who does not say a word. The ANCHOR picks up the paper.

ANCHOR
This just in…

The ANCHOR re-reads the same article, but now he injects the phrase “SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!” into every sentence. At first it is simply to cast a positive light on SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!. Soon, it is anywhere in the sentence where it might make at least a modicum of sense. After a while, the SUPER HAPPY FLAKES! intrusions become nonsensical and obscene. Eventually, the ANCHOR says nothing but SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!, though still in his anchorperson monotony.

ANCHOR
Alright, everybody. That’s FLAKES! for tonight. Wishing you all a SUPER HAPPY FLAKES! from SUPER HAPPY studios in SUPER HAPPY FLAKES!, I’m SUPER.

ANCHORWOMAN
And I’m FLAKES!

ANCHOR
Be HAPPY. Goodnight.