33

10.10.06
NOTE: Italics should be played through a speaker, or vice versa.

WALLFLOWER, in a plaid jumper, at an invisible mixer.

WALLFLOWER
Wish mom would come back and pick me up. I don’t feel right at parties like these.
Hey Becky! Hey Tommy! How about Ms. Stankowski’s geography class, huh?
Asses…They all have pubic hair I bet. I bet they’re all itching with it. I bet.
I bet they’re doing it already. Their love is not as thick and pure as mine. I would never dream of having sex until I was married to the right woman.
Hey Margie, nice new bands on the braces! Are they school colors? Go Eagles!
Margie, how I love you! You’ll never know how I yearn for your touch, like an oreo yearns to be twisted in half and licked ‘til the chocolate cookie crackers are bone dry!
Who, me? No I’m not staring at you, Margie. I’m admiring the wallpaper behind you!
Look away! Look away! Don’t let her know! She must never know!
Ugh… Dwight Olbermeier. Pit stains and yellow teeth. I sincerely hope he isn’t coming this way thinking he can cop a feel during the next Celine Dion song. God, that mustache looks like someone wiped their butt on his upper lip! I bet he’d like that…
Hello Dwight.
Oh god, he’s actually asking me to dance. Crap.
No, Dwight, I actually don’t feel like dancing, thank you though…
I just don’t feel like dancing with you. Next time Jewel comes up on the stereo I’m going to grab Margie’s hands, take her to the middle of this crowded gymnasium and hold her tight until Jewel sings the words that are written in our hearts.
You were meant for me, and I was meant for you…
I only want to dance with Margie…Margie…
Margie…
Why is everybody looking at me?
What? No, I didn’t say your name. Really, no. I was just telling Dwight to go bother someone else, seriously, that kid is gross…
Raising deflector shields…!
Yeah, I know. He just asked me to dance with him to the “Titanic” theme, and I said “no way. Dwight. Brush your teeth and start playing some basketball, then we’ll talk.”
She’s laughing! She’s laughing! Maybe I’ve won her over!
Brad Ginsley? Yeah, I know him.
He’s that jerk who ran against me for home room rep last year.
You made out with him?
Ugh! Margie, how could you? Now your mouth is tainted with his student government germs! Belch! Blech times a million! Wait! She wants to have a sleep over?
Yeah, you can stay over night at my house. That’s no, wait you what?
Why would she only want to say that she’s sleeping over?
Why would you only want to say that you were sleeping over?
Oh.
Oh.
That. Sucks.
No, that’s fine.
You horrible assbitch.
Yeah, no, Brad’s hot, you should totally go for it. Slow dance with him next time Jewel comes on, then he’ll totally want to make out with you.
Did I just say that? Why did I just say that? What the crap-ass is wrong with me?
Whatever you want, Margie. Yes…I. Like. Totally love you too. No, you’re the best.
This is the worst moment of my life. Get me out of here. Get me out of here right now. Oh, ass, here comes Dwight again…
What is it Dwight?
Get me out of here get me out of here get me out of here.
You requested what? Jewel? For me? That’s sweet!
That’s disgusting, the most important song of my life has now been turned into butt-flakes by this horrible mixer.
No Dwight. I don’t like dancing, really. I guess I’m just not ready for boys yet.
And I never will be, god willing, so long as they all look like you or act like Brad.
Dwight, I don’t want to be mean to you, but you have a bit of a BO problem.
I’m so pissed at you for no reason right now Dwight.
Actually, you smell horrible, and your teeth are the color of Cheetos. And when you talk, Cheeto bits go everywhere. Last week, when Mr. Fleuriani had us correct each other’s quizzes, yours was speckled with greasy orange Cheeto dots. It was disgusting!
This feels really good. I’m on a roll. Wait a minute, he’s crying.
What are you, crying? You’re a boy! Boys aren’t supposed to cry! Boys are supposed to be men! What are you, some kind of sissy?
Thank god, he’s running away.
Aw shit, here comes Brad.
Hi Brad, Margie was looking for you. Yeah, Dwight's such a dweeb. You thought it was funny?
Crapsniffingassheadbuttmuncher.
Sure we can talk. Margie really likes you, and…
Don’t interrupt me, why are you interrupting me you crapsniffingassheadbuttmuncher?
Oh, Brad, that’s flattering, but-

A kiss between WALLFLOWER and invisible Brad.

WALLFLOWER
That meant absolutely nothing to me. I mean it meant something, but it didn’t. Was that just my first kiss? I think it was. My first kiss meant absolutely nothing to me…
Shit.
Is that Jewel playing in the background? Why is Brad pulling on my hand? Oh, crap, there’s Margie. Margie! Margie I love you! I want to hug you for hours! Margie! Why are you crying? Brad, quit pulling my arm off!
Brad, you’re pulling my arm off!
I don’t want to dance with you!
I don’t want to dance. I’m fine on my own!
Margie is leaving!
Margie! Wait! I can explain!
Goddamn you Brad!
Will you knock it off! I don’t like boys! You people are gropey disgusting animals and you broke poor Margie’s heart! Now leave me alone while I go try to explain, you manslut!

The WALLFLOWER runs off the stage.