41

10.19.06
EDGAR and ABBY at the breakfast table.

ABBY
I’ve got a chapter meeting tonight at seven, so I won’t be home for dinner.

EDGAR
That’s ok, I’ll just get some tofurkey at Whole foods.

ABBY
You know I wish you wouldn’t shop there, that place is run by Republicans.

EDGAR
Oh it is not.

ABBY
It is so! They’ve pushed every mom and pop coop out of this town in under two years!

EDGAR
That’s because it’s better! They’re powered by solar panels! Solar panels! Besides, where else am I going to get decent tofurkey around here?

ABBY
If you want to sell your soul for some tofurkey, you go ahead and sign your name in the devil’s/ book. I buy my half of the groceries at the church farmer’s market.

/A funny cell phone ringer goes off offstage.

ABBY
That’s mine, I’ll get it.

ABBY leaves and EDGAR eats his Orangutan-O’s for some moments. He takes a sip of coffee when he hears:

BEEZLE
Sip a drizzle spack a sizzle drip slip gack a wizzle!

EDGAR wonders where that came from. He takes another sip.

BUBBLE
First tense past tense getting tense? Last tense!

EDGAR mouths to himself. Enter ABBY.

ABBY
Why are you looking at me like that?

EDGAR
Were you making funny noises a moment ago?

ABBY
No, that was my cell phone.

EDGAR
No, after the ringer. Were you making, like, rhymes?

ABBY
EDGAR, you’re being way hostile right now. I thought we talked about this at peace camp. You need to stop viewing your loved ones like they’re the enemy.

EDGAR
You’re right. You’re totally right. I’ll roast one after breakfast and chill out.

ABBY
Why wait? You stay here, I’ll go get our shit.

ABBY exits. EDGAR hears giggles.

EDGAR
ABBY! ABBY IS THAT YOU GIGGLING?

BUBBLES appears from someplace unexpected.

BUBBLES
GABBY GABBY WIZ LAT POO WRIGGLING?

BUBBLES disappears. ABBY enters.

ABBY
I brought “Captain Whammy,” because neither of us has cleaned “Gandalf” in a while. Are you alright? You look kind of pale…

EDGAR lets loose a blood-curdling scream.

ABBY
Ok, I’m gonna go put the weed away.

ABBY exits. EDGAR collects himself and investigates the situation. Hmm, nothing seems to be at all out of the ordinary. Just then BEEZLE enters from some other unexpected place! BUBBLES soon follows suit. They sing and dance.

BEEZLE & BUBBLES
FART FART, WALMART
MICKEY D’S AND ENGINE PARTS
AFTER THE FALL FROM UNDER THE RUBBLE
OUT COMES BEEZLE AND HIS BUBBLES!

EDGAR
What the fuck was that?

BEEZLE
She’s Bubbles-

BUBBLES
And I’m Bubbles!

BEEZLES
And we’re familiars!

EDGAR
ABBY! ABBY WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE SOYMILK?

BUBBLES
Gabby can’t hear you now, Eddy-poo-kins!

BEEZLE
You’re in limbooooooo!

EDGAR
Get the fuck away from me! What the hell do you want?

BUBBLES
We want to to to eeeeeeeat!

EDGAR
I am eating! I’m almost done with breakfast!

BEEZLE
NOT THAT CRAP!

BUBBLES
REAL FOOD!

BEEZLE
YEAH, REAL BAD FOOD!

BEEZLE & BUBBLES giggle uncontrollably.

EDGAR
Well I’m not hungry.

BUBBLES
OH you will beeeee…..

BEEZLE
YES! You will beeee…after we give you…

BEEZLE & BUBBLES
THE-MA-GRID-DAL!

BEEZLE & BUBBLES dance and giggle uncontrollably. Suddenly a McDonald’s bag appears out of nowhere. BEEZLE & BUBBLES force-feed french-fries to EDGAR as they sing:

BEEZLE & BUBBLES
CHEW CHEW CHOMP CHOMP
CHOMP CHOMP CHEW CHEW
FIRST YOU EAT THEN YOU POO
THEN YOU’RE FAT AND THEN YOU DIE
SO KISS YOUR SKINNY ASS GOODBYE!

BEEZLE & BUBBLES disappear as ABBY enters.

ABBY
ARE YOU EATING FAST FOOD?

EDGAR tries to protest, but his mouth is full.

ABBY
Have you gone fucking insane? Do you know what they put in that shit? That’s like drinking chemical sewage! Even the french-fries have meat in them!

EDGAR spits out the fries when BEEZLE appears.

ABBY
THAT’S DISGUSTING!

EDGAR
You see it too! I thought I was hallucinating!

ABBY
You’d have to be to try eating something like that.

EDGAR
You don’t see them? You don’t see the the the things?

ABBY
I see a pile/ of vomited french-fries on my eco-friendly plastic breakfast table…

/BUBBLES appears behind ABBY.

EDGAR
THERE! There’s another one behind you!

ABBY
What? I don’t see anything. Clean this shit up, Edgar. I’m not eating with you until you can act like a civilized non-corporate-filth-choking human being.

ABBY exits. BEEZLE & BUBBLES do a jig of joy.

EDGAR
You heard her! Clean this shit up!

BUBBLES
Hear that? He wants us to clean up…

BEEZLE
Hrrm, yes, indeed, we have quite a bit of cleaning up to do…

EDGAR
Well you better start now, man, ‘cause/ I’m not going to stand for this bullshit in my house. I’m a good person, I shouldn’t have to bother with shitty little demons or whatever the crap you are. I only eat plants and grains! I ride my bike everywhere! I EVEN USE RECYCLED TOILET PAPER FOR GODSAKE!

/BEEZLE & BUBBLES undress EDGAR and replace his clothes with a blue suit and a briefcase. They’ve magically turn his hair into a crew cut by time he finishes his speech.

BUBBLES
Looks good…

BEEZLE
And by that you mean bad…

EDGAR speaks with a respectable accent.

EDGAR
Where the heckfire did these clothes come from?

BEEZLE & BUBBLES
WALMART!

EDGAR screams in terror as BEEZLE & BUBBLES disappear. ABBY enters.

ABBY
Quit screaming, Jesus its as if you’ve never cleaned a day in your lifeOH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

EDGAR
Abigail! Abigail, they’ve changed me into something evil!

ABBY
What have you done to yourself? Are you trying to become bourgeois?

EDGAR
I am serious, Abigail! The devil’s familiars simply appeared out of nowhere and took away all of my…cool! I think that they might have turned me into a square…!

ABBY
Oh, Edgar honey…Edgar you were already square to begin with!

EDGAR
That was uncalled for, young lady. Uncalled for!

ABBY
Listen to yourself, Ed! You talking like the Man! I’m not engaged in a spiritual partnership with you so that I could be with the Man! I don’t want a man. I want you!

EDGAR
I’m me, look, see, I’m still me!

ABBY
I see that, I do…

EDGAR
…but…

ABBY
…but, I’m looking at you differently now, and...I see that you’ve always had this within you. You’ve always had a little but of the Man in you, /haven’t you? I suppose I can’t blame you for it. You were raised by squares and a child of right-wing protofascists can’t help it if they’re an unadulterated product of the mainstream.

/A crescendo of giggles from BEEZLE and BUBBLES.

EDGAR
shut up Shut Up SHUT UP! …oh, wait…no…not /you…them…the demons…!

ABBY
/Right. Demons made you behave like a total pig right /then. No, I get it. I totally believe the GOP work for the devil. Sure. Sure. …Sure. Sure. I agree with you.

EDGAR
/I am not a Republican! I am not! I’m like you! I love you!

ABBY
I’m going to the Barn House for a beer. When I get home, you better have grown your hair back out, gobshite.

ABBY begins to exit.

EDGAR
Abby, wait! …Would it have been any better if they had turned me into a Democrat?

ABBY
Are you kidding? What’s the difference?

ABBY slams the door. EDGAR shrugs in agreement.