32

10.9.06
For Di, in honor of her "opposite day" experiment, one of my own.

DW
Today I was in line at Starbucks, you know, not the one that’s always empty, the good one, that everybody goes to. Well, anyway I was at Starbucks, and I was waiting in line to order my grande triple soy mocha with no whip, when the assmunch ahead of me orders the last drop of soy they have in the store. Starbucks ran out of soy, can you believe it? All because some jerkmeister orders fifty bazillion soy mochas ahead of me. When it was my turn in line I froze. I didn’t know what to do. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, I swear. Worse than having to retake the MCATs. I stood there, silent, seriously hitting rock bottom. I’ve never felt so low. But then it hit me: let go. Stop caring. It doesn’t matter. Order a whole milk mocha, with whip and caramel sauce. And a muffin. Order what you want, stop caring. So I did. I stopped caring at all. I stopped giving to charity, I don’t even bother washing my hands before surgery anymore. Tonight I’m having an affair with my neighbor, who happens to be married. Do I care? No. Best thing that ever happened to me. That’s why I don’t care about anything anymore. I just don’t care. And I don’t care about anyone either. I don’t care about my friends, I don’t care about you, and I certainly don’t care about myself anymore. Mind if I smoke?

GRIFFITH
But, wait a second-

DW
I don’t care.

DW lights a cigarette.

GRIFFITH
You’re repeating yourself.

DW
I don’t caaa-aaare.

GRIFFITH
How’s work treating you?

DW
I don’t, what?

GRIFFITH
Work.

DW
What do you mean, work?

GRIFFITH
Work. How’s going at work?

DW
I quit.

GRIFFITH
You quit?!

DW
I quit.

DW lights another cigarette, juggling two.

GRIFFITH
But what about your patients? Your rotation? What about your student loans? …you don’t care do you? Well. How enlightened you’ve become.

DW
I’m telling you, it’s a whole new way of life. Not giving a shit has changed my whole aura, it’s really brightened my days. You know how much I used to worry about poverty around the world, or idiots running the country, or, for fucks sake, being politically correct? Is there anything more lame than being politically correct? Countless hours I used to waste caring about shit, I can now spend doing literally nothing. I’m drinking beer at ten in the morning. I stopped reading the papers, now I just watch TV all afternoon. I haven’t felt this free since the year I graduated from college. I’m thinking about taking up smoking pot again. Say, do you know where I could buy some pot?

GRIFFITH
Absolutely not!

DW
Absolutely not?

GRIFFITH
I don’t smoke pot!

An exchange of glances. A staring contest ensues.

GRIFFITH
But my nephew might know where you could get some.

DW
Well call him! Call him right now!

GRIFFITH
You’re acting like a child…

DW
I just got this sudden urge to smoke. I’m only operating on urges now. Gut reactions.

GRIFFITH
I’ll see you later…

DW
Callhimcallhimcallhimcallhim!

GRIFFITH
NO! God. You’re being so goddamn annoying. I’m not calling my nephew to get you drugs! I have to see his parents on holidays! Jesus god, you are being so selfish right now! What the fuck is wrong with you, you want to smoke pot! You want to smoke pot, go find a fucking dealer and smoke some fucking pot! GOD!

DW lights another cigarette.

DW
But I want to smoke…

GRIFFITH
I don’t fucking care!

DW
Welcome to my club!

Another exchange of glances. GRIFFITH dials.

GRIFFITH
Alright, gimme a cigarette.

DW
Are you gonna call him?

GRIFFITH
You’re buying, asshole.

DW
Don’t you have to go to work?

GRIFFITH
I’ll call in sick.

DW
Can you do that in the state legislature?

GRIFFITH
I can do whatever I want. Dewey! It’s your uncle Griff. Howyadoin’ bud? Freshman year treating you well? Yeah? No, no, they don’t get any easier. Listen, bud, I was calling because I need a favor. A friend of mine wanted to know where he could purchase some marijuana cigarettes. No not tobacco cigarettes, marijuana…yes. No this isn’t a setup. No, I’m not joking. You seriously don’t know anyone? But everyone in high school smokes pot! You really don’t? Listen, Dewey, if you do this, I’ll get you a letter of recommendation from the governor for any college you want. Yeah, I work for him. No, really. Didn’t your parents ever tell you that? OK. Listen bud. I can get you into any state school. I don’t care. Yeah, that’s why. OK. Call me back.

GRIFFITH hangs up.

DW
What did he say?

GRIFFITH
He said he’d never smoked pot before.

DW
I don’t believe him!

GRIFFITH
He said he knows some of the stoner kids though. He’ll call back.

DW
Sweet! What do we do until then?

Lengthy pause.

DW
Know where we could get some porn?

GRIFFITH
I’m not watching porn with you!

DW
Why not? I don’t care if you’re in the room when…

GRIFFITH
Whatever…

DW
Listen man, you need to care a little less about your stupid boundaries, alright? We could be potentially having a carefree good time right now, but instead you just shoot down my ideas. You got any ideas? I’m getting bored now…

GRIFFITH
Not caring sucks. I feel so non-productive. Hey, if we’re gonna get stoned, maybe we should go get some food, incase we get those crunchies, you know?

DW
You mean the “munchies?”

GRIFFITH
Yeah, that’s it.

DW
You have never smoked pot before, have you?

GRIFFITH
Sure I have!

DW
When?

GRIFFITH
In college.

DW
Weren’t you in the young republicans?

GRIFFITH
Yeah, but we were still in college.

GRIFFITH’S phone rings.

GRIFFITH
Hello? Yes, this is Griffith O’Reilly. Who is this? The dean’s office? Well why are you calling me? My nephew what? Pot? Deweywho?Idon’thaveanephewgoodbye!

GRIFFITH hangs up.

DW
What happened?

GRIFFITH
That was the dean of his school. Dewey got busted in school for possession. How am I going to explain this to his parents?

DW
How’s his dumb ass going to make it through college, he cant even buy weed!

GRIFFITH
He’s fourteen! Give him a break!

DW
How are we going to get stoned? Call up the dean, say you’ll pick Dewey up and take his pot a way for them.

GRIFFITH
I’ve got MTV at home. Maybe they might have some ideas…

DW
Have you even watched television since 1990? MTV is for toddlers now! I’ve got a better idea, let’s just go down to liquor store, get a whole bunch of vodka and some redi-whip.

GRIFFITH
What’s the redi-whip for?

DW
Whippets.

GRIFFITH
What’s a whippet?

DW
It’s where you inhale the propellant in a whip-cream dispenser. Gets you buzzed for like, ten minutes. Twenty bottles should do us for a couple hours.

GRIFFITH
Won’t they know we’re trying to get high on whipped cream?

DW
We’ll say we’re baking a cake. Oh! We could get stoned and bake something!

GRIFFITH
I’m starting to think this not caring shit isn’t as cool as I’d hoped.

DW
Quit being a buzzkill!

GRIFFITH
What’s a buzzkill?

DW
Someone who kills a buzz.

DW lights a third cigarette.

GRIFFITH
Listen, if you want to sit around being an unlikable character and do nothing but look for pot all day, that’s one thing. But I just got my nephew busted, and I’m thinking, what good am I? Not caring is one thing, but huffing household cooking ingredients sounds like, well, just stupid. I’d rather sit around and not care at work, where at least I’d get paid for turning a blind eye to important shit. I’m leaving.

DW
Fine! Go! See if I care!

DW smokes three cigarettes, at once, down to the filter.