28 - Les is More.

10.5.06
Rural Illinois. 1952.
Night time by the fire.
EUNICE and ROD, both knitting…
…and knitting…
Until:

ROD
I don’t think it’s quite sunk in yet.
Hasn’t sunk in at all.
The engagement.
Did you hear that, mum?
I said I don’t think the engagement has quite sunk in yet for me.

…more knitting…

EUNICE
I was a bit shocked, myself. Still, good news is good news.

ROD
Shocked doesn’t begin to describe. Shock was the least of my worries.

EUNICE
No worries, daddy, I’ve got the fiduciaries all in order.

ROD
That isn’t the least of it…

EUNICE
Maude will have a fine wedding, I’ll be certain of that.

…they knit some more.

EUNICE
Les will make a fine fiancée.

ROD
That’s just what worries me!

EUNICE
Nonsense. Seems like a perfectly balanced person. No physical or mental ailments. Good job. Everything going right upstairs. Seems upstanding.

ROD
I don’t know about that, mum. The whole thing seems fishy to me.

EUNICE
Now-now, let’s not poison the river before it gets dammed, shall we? Let’s keep it all blessings and no curses for now. A bit early to become those in-laws, you know.

ROD
I suppose…

…knitting, knitting, knitting…

ROD
I suppose you’re right.
Still it’s too bad…
…what with the grandbabies and all…
…too bad, too bad…

EUNICE
What’s too bad, daddy?

ROD
That we won’t be having grandbabies. At least not grandbabies of our own…

EUNICE
Now hush. Why would you be so negative. They most likely haven’t even had a chance to consummate. They aren’t even married yet! We’ll be having grandbabies, Rod, and I’ll tell you why: our daughter’s a looker. She’s a fine specimen.

ROD
I don’t think the problem is with her…

EUNICE
What, Les? The boy looks virile enough. Strapping. More so than you were at his age in any case… What makes you think he can’t pitch the old fastball?

ROD
That’s just the thing. I don’t think Leslie can pitch any fastballs.

EUNICE
You speak from experience?

ROD
No, but…

EUNICE
Then how would you know?

Knitting helps ROD ease the mounting tension. Until:

ROD
I don’t think Leslie has a penis.

EUNICE
Have you been taking your pills? All of them? On time?

ROD
Yes. Aside from the blue pill for noon on Friday, I’ve been keeping up to date.

EUNICE
Then why would you ever say such a thing? Simply uncalled for.

Knitting…

EUNICE
I have half a mind to tell the old boy you said that myself. Have a good laugh. Bond with Leslie a bit. We’ll all smoke a cigar. That’s it! I’ll wait ‘til we’re in the maternity ward, looking at the newest little cubs. Then you’ll hand the boy a cigar, tell him what you said and we’ll all have a good laugh. “Les” I’ll say “Les, to think my husband doubted you.”

ROD
I’m simply saying, that after careful examination, it would seem to me, in my limited knowledge, that Leslie is in fact a woman.

EUNICE
Nonsense. With a handshake like that?

ROD
My great auntie Louisa could crush a cantaloupe in the palm of her hand.

A resumption of knitting.

EUNICE
But he was wearing a flannel shirt, and his hair was so closely cropped. And he was hairy, on the arms and a bit on the lip. We talked about other women we dated while you two were washing dishes. He’s a man, ROD, after all, he’s engaged to our daughter.

ROD
Engaged to our daughter…

EUNICE
That’s what I said. Les is engaged to our daughter…
Les is engaged to our daughter…
Engaged…

ROD
Uh-huh. Now you see my concern.

EUNICE
It can’t be. It’s just not possible.

ROD
Oh, it’s very possible.

A cessation of knitting altogether.

EUNICE
But Maude is a fine looking gal. She’s quite the looker!

ROD
I suppose that’s what attracted Leslie in the first place.

EUNICE
She could have any man she wanted. Why if I wasn’t her mother, I’d-

ROD
Careful…

EUNICE
I’m just saying she could have any man she wanted. Why would she want Leslie?

ROD
Maybe because she’s strapping.

EUNICE
She isn’t strapping…

ROD
You said so yourself.

EUNICE
She’s not strapping! Women are incapable of being strapping!

ROD
Well…we’ve established that Leslie is a woman, and I think she’s rather strapping.

EUNICE
This doesn’t disturb you at all?

ROD
Well, no, but…

EUNICE
It doesn’t disturb you that our daughter is a sodomite?

ROD
Technically I don’t think this makes her a sodomite.

EUNICE
Technically? What would you know, technically? You work at a bank!
Technically…
I’m calling her up. I’m calling her right now!

ROD
It’s a five-hour drive back to Kentucky. They aren’t even half way there, yet.

EUNICE
Why don’t you have a problem with this?

ROD
I do! I do…and I don’t. I just want grandbabies is all.

EUNICE
Well, you certainly aren’t getting those…

ROD
Well, that’s my only concern.

A resumption of knitting by EUNICE.

ROD
I was knitting little stockings.

EUNICE
So was I.

ROD
Seems pointless now.

EUNICE
I’m turning mine into a scarf.

ROD
Mine were almost done…

Again, the knitting stops.

EUNICE
How do you suppose they…how…

ROD
I imagine they use their hands or mouths or maybe a fake penis-

EUNICE
NO! No. Don’t be disgusting! I was asking how they met!

ROD
Maude said they met in Louisville. At a baseball game. She said they struck up a conversation that lasted the whole game, and then Les walked her all the way to 3rd street and up the stairs and gave her a kiss goodnight. She said that was less than a year ago.

EUNICE
How long do you suppose they’ve been engaged?

ROD
I don’t know, Eunice, I’d like to believe Maude would tell us right away…

EUNICE
Yes, but, guilt has always dissuaded our daughter from coming right forth with the truth.

ROD
I’d like to believe Maude would tell us right away.

EUNICE
Not with a thing like that to hide. Is it even legal?

ROD
I don’t see how you could enforce a law against it.

EUNICE
I mean the marriage. The engagement. Is it legal for two women to marry?

ROD
I haven’t heard to the contrary.

EUNICE
Not yet at least.

ROD
I certainly hope not ever.

EUNICE
What about the grandbabies?

ROD
Well…I suppose I could get over the grandbabies if I knew our Maude was happy. How she lives her life is her business. And who’s to say they couldn’t adopt?

EUNICE
Now that’s just disgusting.

ROD
What’s so disgusting about it?

EUNICE
Being raised that way. I mean, no offense to you, but a child should be raised with a father. Two women in love have no business rearing a child together. If Maude wants to have a baby she’d better get a man in the house post haste.

ROD
My great auntie Louisa and my mother did a fine job of raising me. We don’t even know if they want to have children. There is a positive way of looking at this, Eunice. All we know is they’re in love. While it troubles me, yes, I feel as though it shouldn’t. I don’t think it should really pull me either way. As long as they are happy together, I think we got more than we could ask for in this world.

Sighs. EUNICE stands up.

EUNICE
Well I’m not convinced. And I don’t think you are completely either. And I’m not done being angry or frustrated with our daughter. And I’m not sure I’ll ever understand them or their “love.” What burns me up, Rod, what really burns me up, is that I don’t think it really matters how we feel. I guess our opinions are irrelevant, really. They’re gonna do it anyway, we might as well give them our blessing.

ROD
You don’t give a blessing because you’re out of options, Eunice…

EUNICE
No, you’re right. We give our blessing out of love.