37 - A MILLION KISSES

10.14.06

In bed…

A
I bought a new ring today. Gold. Do you like it?

B
Sure, it’s very nice.

A
Yeah, it’s the real deal. Got it for a steal, too. Feel it.

B
Smooth, very nice. Price?

A
Not telling.

B
Panda bear…

A
No!

B
alright.

A
It’s a gift.

B
You bought it for yourself.

A
No, I bought it for us. As a declaration of our love and commitment.

B
Ah.

A
You don’t wear rings.

B
I don’t buy jewelry.

A
You don’t do much.

B
I do plenty.

A
Kiss me.

A kiss…

A
Again.

B
You first this time.

Another kiss.

A
How many do you think that makes?

B
Not enough to justify this conversation.

A
I bet it’s been a million kisses.

B
I don’t know if we’ve been together for a million seconds.

A
Some of our kisses are shorter than a second.

B
still…

A
A million kisses sounds more poetic.

B
What’s poetic about exaggeration?

A
Kiss me kiss me kiss me.

A third kiss.

B
My, aren’t we kissy.

A
You didn’t have a problem with that an hour ago.

B
Kissy is good. I like kissy.

A
Do you have a problem with kissing me?

B
No, of course not!

A
Do you have a problem with kissing?

B
In general? No.

A
So you have a problem with kissing me.

B
No! I just said I don’t.

A
I’m just pulling your chain. Kiss me again.

B
Fine…

An interrupted kiss.

A
Well, not if you’re gonna do it like that!

B
Like what? I’m kissing just fine!

A
fine…

B
What’s the problem with fine?

A
Fine…Fine, I’ll kiss you, fine…Fine, I’ll take out the trash…

A finer kiss.

B
I love your ring.

An abrupt kiss.

B
I love your kisses.

A tickled kiss.

B
And I love you. Do I need to do anything else to reassure you of my boundless devotion?

Kiss.

A
isleptwithsomeoneelse.

B
Buh…?

A
isleptwithsomeoneelse isleptwithsomeoneelse. Just now. Right before we made love.

B
Ha ha. Very funny.

A
No, I’m serious. Like, moments before we started making love, I did someone else.

B
Oh yeah, who?

A
I’m not joking, this isn’t funny.

B
Alright, wisenheimer. What’s their name then?

A
I don’t know.

B
So you slept with someone you don’t know.

A
Yes.

B
Right before we made love.

A
Yes.

B
Right after we spent the whole evening together.

A
Yeah. In between that and just now.

B
Well, unless it happened in the 45 seconds that we weren’t together, I’m not buying it.

A
It did. It lasted less than 45 seconds. It was really really fast.

B
And you never met this person before in your whole life?

A
It just sort of happened. Why are you laughing? This isn’t funny!

B
Where is this mystery person now?

A
Under the bed.

B
Under the bed? The whole time? Must be skinny…

A
Really, really skinny.

B
Well, tell them they can come out now.

A
You can come out from under the bed now. Everything is out in the open.

A pause.

A
Come out! Come on out!

An attempted kiss.

A
No, I don’t want to…

B
You’re cute.

Another attempted kiss.

A
Come out from under the bed!

B
Maybe they suffocated.

A successful kiss.

A long kiss.

A happy kiss.

A
I don’t understand why they aren’t coming out.

B
They? Just now it was one, now there’s more?

A
Well I only did it with one, but there were others there too.

A kiss filled with laughter.

B
Really, like who?

A
A businessman in a suit…

B
Birthday suit?

A raunchy kiss.

A
Come on, I’m serious.

B
Sure you are.

A
A businessman in a suit, a fast food clerk, a saxophonist…

B
What kind of saxophone?

A
Baritone. And there was a cheerleader and a mayor.

B
How did you know that they were the mayor?

A
They were wearing a sash that said “mayor.”

A kiss smothered with good humor.

B
And I bet there was a guy wearing a bumblebee costume too.

A brief kiss.

A
No, but there was an astronaut and a clown.

B
HA!

A
And two people dressed in a donkey costume. That was it, I think.

B
That’s it. All these people were in the room while you had sex with some skinny person for less than 45 seconds while I was away and not looking, and I didn’t notice?

A
You’re not mad?

A short, but reassuring kiss.

B
No, I’m not mad.

A
Really?

B
That ring is a sign of our love and commitment, right?

A
Right.

B
No, I’m not mad. In fact I think you’re the cutest thing in the whole world.

A
Aww…thanks.

A smooch.

B
So where is this cavalcade of characters who watched you have an affair?

A
Under the bed…

B
comehere…

A grabby kiss.
A kiss filled with giggles.

A
No seriously, they’re under the bed!

Punctuating kisses.

B
Pandabear, I don’t think I could fit under the bed, let alone an astronaut or a saxophonist.

A
They’re all there, I swear!

B
Maybe if it were a soprano saxophonist, but a baritone? Please…

A satisfying kiss.
The short low honk of a soprano saxophone.
A kiss meant to distract.

B
Wait, what was that?

A
Nothing. You farted.

B
Did I? I’m sorry.

A
Come here and kiss me like you mean it.

A slow kiss.
A passionate kiss.
A kiss that turns off the rest of the world.
A never ending kiss.
From under the bed, a skinny person, barely dressed, quietly escapes making sure the coast is clear. A businessman escapes, followed by a fast food clerk and a baritone saxophonist, who they remind to keep quiet before exiting. A cheerleader escapes cartwheeling, followed by the “mayor” and an astronaut who exits by bobbing in slow motion. A clown escapes and helps pull the donkey out from under the bed, exiting silently. An oblivious kiss.

B
999,999,999…

An ignorant kiss

B
A million!

A blissful kiss.