36

10.13.06

A stark room with a simple metal door. Off-center is a simple metal desk with a simple metal chair. Sitting in the chair is MAX, who reads blank transparency paper. Simple futuristic music, meant to elevate mood, plays lightly in the background. One at a time, audience members are escorted through the metal door from a cold dark room. They each face MAX alone, wearing special protective suits over their clothes. MAX does not answer questions, and does not respond to attempted audience interaction.

MAX
Hello and welcome to the resurrection project. I see here in my files that you perished on (insert date here) from (insert random ailment here) at precisely (insert performance start time here). You have now been resurrected. May I see your ticket?

MAX looks at the ticket, specifically for the ticket number.

MAX
Your new name is (insert ticket number here). It is located here on your ticket. I have judged your ticket to be non-counterfeit. You may proceed in living. Today's date is June 9th, 2984. You are currently located in Shackspeare, Angletown. We are located in the Tudor district. You speak a dialect of English which is now archaic in what, to you, is the new world. I have learned this speech phonetically in order to help your reintegration. Do not worry, all will be explained in orientation. The resurrection project is a subsidiary of BLOO-ip. Do you have any questions?

MAX interrupts the audience member.

MAX
Thank you and on behalf of BLOO-ip and the resurrection project, have a happy new life. You may proceed through the wall.

When the audience member cannot find the entrance through the wall, MAX yells at them in a series of beeps and bloops.

MAX
BLOOP! Beeeeeeeeeeeep. Bop bop bop bopbopbopbopbop EEEEEEEEEEE!

MAX then opens a hidden door in the wall that leads to another room which features dumpy flower-patterned couches and an old tv/vcr. The room is dark, except for light provided via lava lamps. When the audience member has taken their seat and MAX has again sealed the door, the next audience member is escorted into the simple room with the simple metal door. Inside the room are seated two guards, with neutralizers. When the last audience member is escorted into the room, MAX bloops to the guards and seals the door. An INSTRUCTOR enters from another hidden door. The INSTRUCTOR deliberately waves hello, and after counting everyone, turns on the tv/vcr. The video that plays is unbelievably old and worn out.

(TVVCR)
(Hello. Welcome to the 30th century! You have all died. Normally, this would be the end, but tonight, it is not! Isn't that great?)

The tv/vcr waits for a response. Somebody does, and it moves on.

(TV/VCR)
(Yes, it is, isn't it? First, a bit of explanation. Each and everyone of you died, nearly one thousand years ago! But thanks to five hundred years of the development of modern technology, you can breathe again today! Isn't that amazing?)

Again, the tv/vcr waits until someone agrees.

(TV/VCR)
(Now, as you may or may not remember, you bought a ticket to an informational meeting called “Live Forever Now!” in the days and weeks before you perished. That ticket was actually a coupon to be entered in out Eternal Youth Sweepstakes! Bad news or good news first? Bad news, bad news, of course. Unfortunately, due to the mass chaos and hysteria caused by the tragic events of [insert performance date here], the event had to be cancelled. Good news? We held the raffle anyway, and you all won! Congratulations! Isn't that just dandy?)

The tv/vcr waits. And waits and waits and waits.

(TV/VCR)
(So, a couple moments of acclimation for you before we set you loose on the future. For one thing, nobody speaks English anymore. It is a dead language, as far as many are concerned. Those of us who know it have learned it phonetically from the scholars who maintained a limited understanding of the language's workings. Now we speak a language called BLIIIIIIPIPIPIP, which is currently the only language spoken on the planet. It consists of a series of bleeps and bloops which you, the voyager from the past, will never be able to understand. Not to worry though, everyone living within one hundred miles of this location has learned enough conversational English to give you the illusion that we have any idea what you are saying. Also, we have tried to construct a replica of what the world may have looked like before you departed it. We rebuilt your homes and favorite restaurants, as well as your schools and sports arenas, all in order to create the illusion that it is [insert year of performance here]. It might be a little hard to make the adjustment, but we won't set you free without first giving you a survival kit. Your survival kit includes: 1 unit of water, 1 unit food, 1 page of translations from English into BLIIIIIIIPIPIPIP, 1 condom, 1 dry salted peanut [the currency of the future] and finally 1 length of yarn. Because you are our first group to successfully be resurrected, this is really a test of your capability to reintegrate. Future resurrections depend on your success. Make us proud!)

A team of ushers hand out the survival kits, which are housed in futuristic bags. The audience is blooped at and bleeped at until they exit the room into another, terminal room. Futuristic music is played while they are encouraged to trade their peanuts for a jello shot. They are also asked to give back their special protective suits. After all the suits are collected, the lights are shut off and a door is opened wide. The door leads to an alley, and the end of the show. The audience fends for themselves.