6

9.13.06

CANDIDATE
Thank you, Mr. Mann, for such an eloquent delivery of my introduction. In addition, I would like to thank the Regal Atlantic cruise line for hosting this event, even if the ship is a bit leaky, heh heh heh…I also want to thank those of you who paid 4,000 dollars a plate to attend this fundraiser. It pleases me to see so many of you giving my your support, and make no mistake, a favor given is a favor earned in my opinion. Again, I want to remind you that there has been no time in history that we have ever faced such a grave danger as this moment. Slowly the weak willed and unpatriotic are eroding our control over democracy, and potentially sabotaging our economy for the sake of “leveling.” But I am not here to be negative, and there are more important things to take care of, so I will keep my statements brief. If elected, I plan to ignore your individual needs and demands, and focus on wide polling and statistical analysis of your demographics to determine how I lead you. I’ll make sure that big business is well served in our community in order to allow their money to trickle down until it reaches our neediest citizens. I’ll make public appearances at big-ticket events and fundraisers, host press conferences and do television ads, but to ensure my safety (and thus our collective security) I will abstain from ever actually setting foot on our streets, unless there is a large constituency of voters present to welcome me into their neighborhood. Look, people, we need to keep reminding ourselves that we are in the 21st century. It’s time you elected a 21st century leader, with 21st century ideas and 21st century priorities. We need to protect our wealthiest class, to keep them here and in business, so that the working class can actually have someone to work for. We need to protect our borders so that illegal immigrants don’t take those working class jobs, thus motivating mass migration into the middle class, which might sink the boat for everybody. Because that’s really what this is. A sinking ship. And it’s sinking fast, and the best thing for us right now is to plunder the cargo hold and lighten her up a little bit. If that means throwing some of our principles off the stern in order to keep ourselves afloat, I say so be it. If we have to ignore the needs of our poorer communities in order to service the needs of the greater whole, I say let it be done. If we need to hand out life preservers to the captains of industry sitting in this room right now, I am prepared to do that even if it means that others less important to our community as a whole will be underserved. I’m here to work for you, because you run our economy, and you are the stirrup of our community. Do you all know what a stirrup is? A stirrup is the smallest bone in the human body. It is located in the ear. In my limited medical expertise, I would say it is the most important bone in the human body, why?, because it listens…
The stirrup is also an important part of a saddle, which reminds me of how you all represent the saddle of our community. Let me ride that saddle, and steer the workhorse of our economy. As I said, this is a sinking ship, and I will keep my comments brief as a result. In a moment my interns will be passing out complimentary life preservers, and my security staff will escort you to the life boats. Please, feel free to take up as much space as you want, but insure that everybody here gets a seat. Wouldn’t want to lose my donors in a time of crisis, heh heh heh, I’m just kidding. That’s all now, and I hope to see you on the rescue vessel. Thank you very much for your money.