20

9.27.06

A flicker on the stage, from an old projector. A creaky, out of tune piano strikes a sweeping old-time chord. Lights up on an office desk, a bed, and a bar. Enter the TRAMP, who strolls up casually to the desk and rings a bell (the sound of which is performed by the pianist). After a moment of impatient waiting, enter the VAMP. The TRAMP is taken aback by and instantly attracted to the VAMP, but indicates out that (s)he is too shy and meek to do anything about it. The VAMP, already bored by the TRAMP’s nonsense, begins to walk away, but the TRAMP stops (her/him) by again ringing the bell. The VAMP takes the bell away, but it doesn’t stop ringing. The VAMP puts the bell in a drawer, and it continues ringing, albeit more quietly. Finally the VAMP throws the bell offstage and asks the TRAMP:

TITLE CARD
ALRIGHT, WHAT TO YOU WANT?

The TRAMP reaches into (his/her) coat and pulls out an ENORMOUS “HELP WANTED” sign. The VAMP is not amused, but hires the TRAMP anyway. The VAMP opens a drawer and puts the “HELP WANTED” sign in, closes the drawer, shakes hands with the TRAMP and then opens the same drawer, pulling out an even more ENORMOUS STACK OF FILES, which (s)he gives the TRAMP. The TRAMP stumbles as the BOSS enters. Inevitably, the two collide. The BOSS becomes unbelievably enraged, and shouts:

TITLE CARD
YER FIRED!

Dejected, the TRAMP exits, waving “goodbye” to the VAMP. The VAMP and the BOSS exchange glances, after which, the VAMP realizes (her/his) affection for the TRAMP. The BOSS and the VAMP exit in separate directions, while the TRAMP enters the bar. The BOSS enters and becomes the BARTENDER. The TRAMP orders a drink, which the BARTENDER pours using flashy twists and turns. Just as the TRAMP is about to take a sip, the BARTENDER holds out a hand, asking for payment. The TRAMP reaches into (his/her) pockets, and a fly comes out. Cue “Flight of the Bumblebee.” The TRAMP swats at the fly while the BARTENDER takes the drink away. After the TRAMP has given up on the fly, (s)he reaches for the drink and pulls (her/his) hand to (his/her) face, unaware that the drink isn’t there anymore until (s)he smacks (his)herself in the face. The TRAMP tries again a couple of times to no avail. The BARTENDER doesn’t care. Enter the VAMP, who lights up the moment (s)he spots the TRAMP. The TRAMP sees (him/her) and grooms (her)himself as much as possible. The VAMP buys two drinks from the BARTENDER, who pours them using even flashier techniques. The VAMP hands a drink to the TRAMP, and they both toast:

TITLE CARD
CHEERS!

The TRAMP falls into the VAMP’s arms asleep, and the BARTENDER kicks them both out. The VAMP exits with the TRAMP in (her/his) arms as the BARTENDER silently hurls epithets that would offend every lip-reader in the audience. As the BARTENDER exits, the VAMP enters carrying the limp TRAMP. The VAMP drops the TRAMP in bed and tucks (him/her) in. After taking a moment to admire the TRAMP, the VAMP exits hastily, during which time, the TRAMP wakes up. Unaware of where (s)he is, the TRAMP becomes frightened, and tries to escape. As soon as (s)he stands up, however, the TRAMP realizes that (s)he is too drunk to walk, stumbling every which way but the door. Before the TRAMP finds the exit, the VAMP enters scantily clad. The VAMP grabs the TRAMP and plants a kiss full on the lips, after which the TRAMP smiles and passes out again. The VAMP, exasperated, picks up the TRAMP and lays (her/him) in bed again. The TRAMP wakes up again, and just before they can share another kiss, the BOSS enters again.

BOSS
Alright, the show’s over. You’ve seen this story a billion times in a billion different ways, we aren’t doing anything new. Close the curtain, kill the lights. You guys can go home, we’ll call you when we’ve written a part for you what actually has lines. You people too, everybody out! Nothing to see here that you’ve never seen before!

An audience member stands up.

AUDIENCE
THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK! (S)HE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK, IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A SILENT MOVIE!

BOSS
Yeah, but this is a play, not a movie. If you want to see a movie, go rent a movie.

AUDIENCE
AWW, COME ON! I CAME HERE TO SEE THIS! FINISH THE PLAY! FINISH IT! WE WANNA SEE HOW IT ENDS! WE CAME HERE TO SEE A PLAY!

BOSS
NO! You came here to see a sitcom. If you want a sitcom, go watch T.V.

AUDIENCE
WHAT ABOUT THEM? WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY WANT?

TRAMP
Don’t look at me, I just work here.

VAMP
I, for one, am getting bored of domestic dramas and kitchen-sink comedies. I’d like to perform a real play, with real meaning.

AUDIENCE
AWW COME ON, I DON’T GIVE A CRAP! I CAME HERE TO BE ENTERTAINED!

Another audience member stands up.

ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER
I actually came here to learn something.

Yet another audience member speaks, without standing.

YET ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER
Yeah, me too!

VAMP
And we’re clearly not going to help you with that by trying to do what movies do.

BOSS
You’re right, it’s time we tried something else. Something only theatre can do. We need to do something that actually establishes a dialogue with the audience.

VAMP
What, like breaking the fourth wall?

BOSS
Yeah!

TRAMP
No, no no, we need to come up with something else. Breaking the fourth wall is nothing new to anybody. We need to do something innovative, cutting edge. We need lasers!

ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER
Wait, what? NO!

BOSS
Lasers?

VAMP
Why lasers?

TRAMP
Because lasers are new! Lasers are innovative, cutting edge! We’ll be the freshest, coolest, most innovative theatre people the world over!

ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER
GO BACK TO BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Shut up! They might bust out some lasers!

TRAMP
We don’t even need to invest in laser technology! We could just use imaginary lasers!

VAMP
Imaginary theatrical lasers! I like that idea!

BOSS
That’s not very meaningful…

VAMP
Not unless we make it a comment on modern violence and warfare.

AUDIENCE MEMBER
NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’!

TRAMP
We don’t even need a script or a story. We could just run around “zapping” each other. The spectacle itself would be a memorable experience! Here, I’ll be the bad guy!

BOSS
This is stupid…

The TRAMP “Zaps” the BOSS, and (s)he disappears in a “puff of smoke.” “Adventurous Music.” The VAMP plays along.

VAMP
You’ll never get away with this, Lord Sheldrake!

TRAMP
YOU ARE IRRELEVANT! PREPARE FOR OBSCURITY, STARSEEKER!