10 - Cheaters
9.17.06
A
I’m going to have a little wine.
B
But you’re pregnant!
A
Nonsense, a little wine won’t hurt.
B
Hold on, honey, breathe, breathe!
A
It’s a _____! What are you going to name it?
A&B
JO!
B
Should we get a babysitter?
A
Naw, we can leave Jo alone for the night. It’s not like Jo’s going anywhere outside the crib! Let’s just leave a bottle next to the pillow and hit the clubs.
JO
Ma ma ma ma ma…Da da da da da da…
B
Alright class, please fill out your standardized tests in full while I go take a smoke break.
A
Hey, Jo, what did you get on numbers 180 through 360?
JO
I can’t tell you, that would be cheating!
B
Who cares? These tests are hooey anyway. The teacher’s probably popping Vicodin in the bathroom. Give us the answers!
JO
Alright…
A
And make sure you put different answers down, so they can’t tell we cheated!
B
Alright class, your test results are in, and all but one of you got one hundred percent of the questions correct. JO, I’ll need to speak to you by my desk.
JO
They made me do it!
B
Jo, blaming other people for your failures can only get you so far. It’s time you found something else to blame. I’m sending you to the school psychologist.
A
Jo, do you know what Attention Deficit Disorder is?
JO
Yeah, everyone in the school has it…
A
Everyone except you, until now. Here’s a list of prescriptions, take them to your parents and make sure to swallow every little pill. Then your test scores will go through the roof!
B
Our child! An ADD! How could this happen?
JO
I don’t think I have ADD…
A
Do you think it was all that alcohol I drank during the pregnancy?
B
No, of course not. It’s all that outdoor fun and playing Jo does when other kids would be studying, shopping or playing video games. For the cost of these prescriptions we could have provided you with all the Playboxes and X-Stations you ever dreamed of!
A
Too late for that. Time to take your medicine. Take this..
And this..
And these too…
And don’t forget the really bitter ones…
JO
My feet feel BIG…
B
Yeah man, who would’ve thought college would be all about gettin’ stoned and skipping classes. BT dubs, mind selling me a couple’a Aderol? I got like a one-page paper due…
A
Jo, dude, thanks for giving me some of your pills, I just made deans list!
JO
I didn’t give you any of my pills…
A
Oh, I must have stole them then. Thanks anyway!
B
Jo, I finished grading your report on Drug use and Ethics in the New Adult Generation, and while I found it riveting, captivating, earth-shattering and fascinating, I have decided that I have no choice but to give you a failing grade.
JO
But why?
B
Well, Jo, it appears that your roommate has turned in an identical paper, with your name crossed out and theirs written in crayon. While this would normally indicate that yours was the original paper, your student records indicate poor standardized test scores in the fourth grade and a lengthy history of medication for ADD.
JO
But everyone has ADD!
B
Also, your roommate turned the paper in fifteen seconds before you did, leading me to believe that theirs, in fact, was the honestly written paper. Consequently, your scholarship has been revoked.
JO
I need to find a job!
A
Jo, cover me while I gank a few bucks from the register. I need some scratch so I can score some coke for the party tonight…
JO
What about the security cameras?
A
Dude, those are fake.
B
Get back to work, Jo! No studying on the job!
JO
But I work in a library!
A
Jo, could you help me write this bibliography? All I need to do is fake the sources.
JO
But what if they check your citations?
A
Are you kidding? No one ever follows up on that stuff. T.A.’s don’t get paid nearly enough to actually read source material. 90 percent of my paper comes from a textbook!
B
Jo, can you sign my doctor’s note for me? I want to go tailgating tonight, and I won’t have time unless I skip work.
JO
Time for a new job…
A
This resume is crap…
B
Don’t worry, Jo. Just put in some fake past employers, no one will know the difference.
JO
I’ve never been a heart surgeon!
B
But you signed my doctor's note last month!
A
Jo, it’s time I confess. I’ve been cheating on you.
JO
Oh no! For how long?
A
As long as we’ve been married.
JO
And with whom?
A
Lots of people, mostly your old college room mate…
B
Sorry buddy, you want another hit?
JO
That’s it! I’ve had enough! It’s time I put a stop to this madness! Everyone I know, everyone I’ve ever grown up with has been a cheater and/or a drug abuser! No one is speaking out about this epidemic! My generation thinks that anything that gets you ahead in life is okay, but I know the truth! It is not okay! And I need to go to the one place where honesty still means something, where truth and justice can still make a difference! I’m running for CONGRESS!
A
Jo, we didn’t get enough signatures on your petition, so we just forged them…
B
Tobacco lobby is on line 3, they wanna scratch our backs…
A
Got a memo from the party, they said they’d toss down some money if we promised to keep our platform in line with the majority…
B
We got some dirt on the opposition, apparently she’s on wacky meds for wacky ADD!
JO
Everyone has ADD!
A
Shhh, keep your voice down…
B
ACK! Fox just found out that you’re on meds too!
A
Time to get born again, hurry hurry hurry!
JO
But I like my church just fine!
B
Too bad, your constituents don’t.
A
Heavenly father, we are here today to tell you how to vote. Please pass the collection plate around, while I read from the book of Bentley…
B
Congratulations! You won by 500,000 votes!
JO
There aren’t that many people in my district!
A
There aren’t that many living people. Besides, once we jerrymander the district in your favor, no one will even care. You’re an incumbent for life!
JO
Woohoo!
B
Say, Rep. Jo, we’re building a strip mall and some expensive high-rise condominiums in your district, and we need some help with the eminent domain…
JO
Who lives there right now?
A
Just some poor minorities. They aren’t taking care of the neighborhood, and there are some great vintage duplexes that we can jam yuppies in like a can of sardines!
B
$3,000 a month sardines!
JO
Where will the poor people go?
A&B
The suburbs!
JO
But how will they afford it?
A&B
Who cares?
JO
What’s the plus side?
A&B
Gentrification!
B
Do you realize how much extra this will bring in on property taxes alone?
A
What’s good for real estate is good for your estate…
B
Let’s just say we put a “bribe” in your “secret offshore bank account.”
A
Kick back, relax, and enjoy the economic growth!
JO
Where do I sign?
B
Here.
A
Here.
B
Here.
A
Here.
B
Initial here.
A
And here.
JO
Why did the last one mention my soul?
B
Oh which one? This one? That was just some legal mumbo-jumbo. Standard Faustian clause. Nothing to worry about.
A
You never read Faust in college, did you Jo?
JO
No, I just cheated and read the cliff notes online.
A&B
So did we!
JO
Deans list?
A&B
You betcha!
JO
High Five!
A
You’re under arrest for ethical misconduct.
B
Your honor, the evidence is circumstantial at best. Clearly the prosecution planted the evidence in my client’s secret offshore bank account…
A
That may be true, but I’m still going to make a lesson out of you. Besides, that will take the heat off my own ethical misconduct trial…
JO
Mom! Dad! Help me!
B
Out little Jo is a cog in the political machine!
A
Do you think it was all that alcohol I drank during the pregnancy?
B
Couldn’t be. I think it was all those years Jo wasn’t prescribed ADD meds.
A
Welcome to Attica. Step to your right, strip and spred’em.
JO
Mommy!
B
Gimme your brownie!
A
Gimme your apple!
B
Gimme your corn!
A
Gimme your tray!
JO
You stabbed me!
B
Gimme back my shiv!
A
I’m bustin’ out, Jo! Tonight! You coming out or what?
JO
Won’t we get caught?
A
I’ve never been caught!
JO
How did you wind up in prison?
B
Well, Jo, the parole board has heard your case, and we just have one last question to ask.
A
What have you learned from this experience?
JO
I’ve learned how to cheat, snort, con, smoke, swindle and shoot my way through life. I’ve leaned that the ends justify the means, and that if you don’t take your ADD meds, you go through major withdrawal. I’ve learned that ethics don’t matter, as long as you don’t get caught, and I’ve learned that there is a shortcut through every honest task. BUT most of all, I’ve learned that there is no meaning to life when you take the easy way out. If there is no challenge, if there is no struggle, then what is it all worth? … and I bribed you all.
A&B
Parole granted!
A
I’m going to have a little wine.
B
But you’re pregnant!
A
Nonsense, a little wine won’t hurt.
B
Hold on, honey, breathe, breathe!
A
It’s a _____! What are you going to name it?
A&B
JO!
B
Should we get a babysitter?
A
Naw, we can leave Jo alone for the night. It’s not like Jo’s going anywhere outside the crib! Let’s just leave a bottle next to the pillow and hit the clubs.
JO
Ma ma ma ma ma…Da da da da da da…
B
Alright class, please fill out your standardized tests in full while I go take a smoke break.
A
Hey, Jo, what did you get on numbers 180 through 360?
JO
I can’t tell you, that would be cheating!
B
Who cares? These tests are hooey anyway. The teacher’s probably popping Vicodin in the bathroom. Give us the answers!
JO
Alright…
A
And make sure you put different answers down, so they can’t tell we cheated!
B
Alright class, your test results are in, and all but one of you got one hundred percent of the questions correct. JO, I’ll need to speak to you by my desk.
JO
They made me do it!
B
Jo, blaming other people for your failures can only get you so far. It’s time you found something else to blame. I’m sending you to the school psychologist.
A
Jo, do you know what Attention Deficit Disorder is?
JO
Yeah, everyone in the school has it…
A
Everyone except you, until now. Here’s a list of prescriptions, take them to your parents and make sure to swallow every little pill. Then your test scores will go through the roof!
B
Our child! An ADD! How could this happen?
JO
I don’t think I have ADD…
A
Do you think it was all that alcohol I drank during the pregnancy?
B
No, of course not. It’s all that outdoor fun and playing Jo does when other kids would be studying, shopping or playing video games. For the cost of these prescriptions we could have provided you with all the Playboxes and X-Stations you ever dreamed of!
A
Too late for that. Time to take your medicine. Take this..
And this..
And these too…
And don’t forget the really bitter ones…
JO
My feet feel BIG…
B
Yeah man, who would’ve thought college would be all about gettin’ stoned and skipping classes. BT dubs, mind selling me a couple’a Aderol? I got like a one-page paper due…
A
Jo, dude, thanks for giving me some of your pills, I just made deans list!
JO
I didn’t give you any of my pills…
A
Oh, I must have stole them then. Thanks anyway!
B
Jo, I finished grading your report on Drug use and Ethics in the New Adult Generation, and while I found it riveting, captivating, earth-shattering and fascinating, I have decided that I have no choice but to give you a failing grade.
JO
But why?
B
Well, Jo, it appears that your roommate has turned in an identical paper, with your name crossed out and theirs written in crayon. While this would normally indicate that yours was the original paper, your student records indicate poor standardized test scores in the fourth grade and a lengthy history of medication for ADD.
JO
But everyone has ADD!
B
Also, your roommate turned the paper in fifteen seconds before you did, leading me to believe that theirs, in fact, was the honestly written paper. Consequently, your scholarship has been revoked.
JO
I need to find a job!
A
Jo, cover me while I gank a few bucks from the register. I need some scratch so I can score some coke for the party tonight…
JO
What about the security cameras?
A
Dude, those are fake.
B
Get back to work, Jo! No studying on the job!
JO
But I work in a library!
A
Jo, could you help me write this bibliography? All I need to do is fake the sources.
JO
But what if they check your citations?
A
Are you kidding? No one ever follows up on that stuff. T.A.’s don’t get paid nearly enough to actually read source material. 90 percent of my paper comes from a textbook!
B
Jo, can you sign my doctor’s note for me? I want to go tailgating tonight, and I won’t have time unless I skip work.
JO
Time for a new job…
A
This resume is crap…
B
Don’t worry, Jo. Just put in some fake past employers, no one will know the difference.
JO
I’ve never been a heart surgeon!
B
But you signed my doctor's note last month!
A
Jo, it’s time I confess. I’ve been cheating on you.
JO
Oh no! For how long?
A
As long as we’ve been married.
JO
And with whom?
A
Lots of people, mostly your old college room mate…
B
Sorry buddy, you want another hit?
JO
That’s it! I’ve had enough! It’s time I put a stop to this madness! Everyone I know, everyone I’ve ever grown up with has been a cheater and/or a drug abuser! No one is speaking out about this epidemic! My generation thinks that anything that gets you ahead in life is okay, but I know the truth! It is not okay! And I need to go to the one place where honesty still means something, where truth and justice can still make a difference! I’m running for CONGRESS!
A
Jo, we didn’t get enough signatures on your petition, so we just forged them…
B
Tobacco lobby is on line 3, they wanna scratch our backs…
A
Got a memo from the party, they said they’d toss down some money if we promised to keep our platform in line with the majority…
B
We got some dirt on the opposition, apparently she’s on wacky meds for wacky ADD!
JO
Everyone has ADD!
A
Shhh, keep your voice down…
B
ACK! Fox just found out that you’re on meds too!
A
Time to get born again, hurry hurry hurry!
JO
But I like my church just fine!
B
Too bad, your constituents don’t.
A
Heavenly father, we are here today to tell you how to vote. Please pass the collection plate around, while I read from the book of Bentley…
B
Congratulations! You won by 500,000 votes!
JO
There aren’t that many people in my district!
A
There aren’t that many living people. Besides, once we jerrymander the district in your favor, no one will even care. You’re an incumbent for life!
JO
Woohoo!
B
Say, Rep. Jo, we’re building a strip mall and some expensive high-rise condominiums in your district, and we need some help with the eminent domain…
JO
Who lives there right now?
A
Just some poor minorities. They aren’t taking care of the neighborhood, and there are some great vintage duplexes that we can jam yuppies in like a can of sardines!
B
$3,000 a month sardines!
JO
Where will the poor people go?
A&B
The suburbs!
JO
But how will they afford it?
A&B
Who cares?
JO
What’s the plus side?
A&B
Gentrification!
B
Do you realize how much extra this will bring in on property taxes alone?
A
What’s good for real estate is good for your estate…
B
Let’s just say we put a “bribe” in your “secret offshore bank account.”
A
Kick back, relax, and enjoy the economic growth!
JO
Where do I sign?
B
Here.
A
Here.
B
Here.
A
Here.
B
Initial here.
A
And here.
JO
Why did the last one mention my soul?
B
Oh which one? This one? That was just some legal mumbo-jumbo. Standard Faustian clause. Nothing to worry about.
A
You never read Faust in college, did you Jo?
JO
No, I just cheated and read the cliff notes online.
A&B
So did we!
JO
Deans list?
A&B
You betcha!
JO
High Five!
A
You’re under arrest for ethical misconduct.
B
Your honor, the evidence is circumstantial at best. Clearly the prosecution planted the evidence in my client’s secret offshore bank account…
A
That may be true, but I’m still going to make a lesson out of you. Besides, that will take the heat off my own ethical misconduct trial…
JO
Mom! Dad! Help me!
B
Out little Jo is a cog in the political machine!
A
Do you think it was all that alcohol I drank during the pregnancy?
B
Couldn’t be. I think it was all those years Jo wasn’t prescribed ADD meds.
A
Welcome to Attica. Step to your right, strip and spred’em.
JO
Mommy!
B
Gimme your brownie!
A
Gimme your apple!
B
Gimme your corn!
A
Gimme your tray!
JO
You stabbed me!
B
Gimme back my shiv!
A
I’m bustin’ out, Jo! Tonight! You coming out or what?
JO
Won’t we get caught?
A
I’ve never been caught!
JO
How did you wind up in prison?
B
Well, Jo, the parole board has heard your case, and we just have one last question to ask.
A
What have you learned from this experience?
JO
I’ve learned how to cheat, snort, con, smoke, swindle and shoot my way through life. I’ve leaned that the ends justify the means, and that if you don’t take your ADD meds, you go through major withdrawal. I’ve learned that ethics don’t matter, as long as you don’t get caught, and I’ve learned that there is a shortcut through every honest task. BUT most of all, I’ve learned that there is no meaning to life when you take the easy way out. If there is no challenge, if there is no struggle, then what is it all worth? … and I bribed you all.
A&B
Parole granted!
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