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9.9.06

King

Brutus?

Servant

Yes, my liege?

King

I’m depressed…

Servant

Oh no! My liege…

King

Yes, I’m afraid it is so. I, your King, am down and out.

Servant

But why, My liege? Whatever is the matter?

King

To be honest? Everything is the matter. I look out this castle window, and I can gaze upon more than half my entire kingdom. I can see the merchants keeping our economy running. Over there, surfs are toiling away in the fields. Within our walls, I can see the slaves carrying foreign tributes to my mountain of gold…

Servant

Why, this should be cause for great celebration! I’ll get the royal harem tout suite!

King

No, no, that won’t be necessary.

Servant

Then I shall collect some prisoners of war for you, sir, so you might run them through…

King

No, thank you. In fact, here, take my sword. I no longer wish to murder anyone.

The King gives the sword to the Servant

Servant

My liege!

King

When I look back on all the people I’ve murdered, I don’t feel the same joy I used to. In fact, it makes me gloomier still.

Servant

What joy in life is there to be had if you can’t take pleasure in the pain and suffering of your enemies?

King

That’s just it. I’m the most powerful King in all the land, everyone fears, respects and obeys me. Why, I don’t believe I have any enemies left!

Servant

Then we’ll create new ones! I’ll gather useless people to pose as invaders…

King

That would be of no use to this black mood. We need a new way of thinking.

Servant

A new way of thinking…

King

Times like these call for desperate measures.

Servant

Yes, desperate measures…

King

It’s time for a change…

Servant

The times, they are a…what?

King

As of today, I am liquidating all the wealth in the royal treasury.

Servant

Great Scott!

King

I shall distribute all of my gold and lands to the fiefs in my fiefdom, until every last person has the means to provide for themselves. Only then will I find solace in my riches.

Servant

But if you don’t have money, you don’t have power!

King

I don’t need power, Brutus. I no longer wish to rule such a large portion of the world. Instead, I shall pass on authority to a democratically elected body, perhaps a parliamentary leadership, so that the people might govern themselves.

Servant

What if the people elect a villain, or a thief?

King

Well, I will create an indelible law that grants and acknowledges the rights of the public, which will in turn allow to populace to protect itself through means of public forum.

Servant

And the royal harem?

King

Oh. I suppose they should go free too. But tell them they’re welcome to, uh, crash here anytime they like. For this is the dawning of my new age of generosity!

Servant

Age of generosity…

King

After today there will be no more wanton murder on my hands. No more suffering in the name of my wealth. Not another drop of blood will be needless spil’t!

The Servant runs the King through with the sword.

Servant

Age of generosity my arse!

The Servant dons the King’s royal robes and crown. After taking a moment to admire the attire, the Servant looks out the window.

Servant

You there! Why aren’t you carrying more gold! Work harder! And you! Surf! Yes you, who do you think I’m talking to, the million other surfs out there? Make your crops grow faster! I want to eat them all in front of your starving family during my next orgy! Slave! Look here! Slave! Guard! Have that slave flayed alive for not paying attention!

One could get used to this quite easily…