17 - To Be Utterly Unsatisfying.

9.24.06
A phonograph, “A Change in the Weather,” old and scratchy, plays. DUSTIN enters wearing a top hat and waistcoat.

JESSE
Oh, I didn’t ever expect to see you again.

DUSTIN
No, I couldn’t ever leave.

JESSE
Well, sit down, have a drink.

DUSTIN
I’ve been gone nine minutes.

JESSE
Have a drink, make yourself at home.

DUSTIN
I don’t drink anymore.

JESSE
You’ve been gone for 4 days.

DUSTIN
As of now. As of now I don’t drink any longer. Temperance and dignity, that’s me.

JESSE
4 days, Dustin. You’ve been gone for 4 days. Where were you? What were you doing? AMAZING, now ask me what I’ve been doing. Reading old accounts and logs of people who used to live in this house. Their diaries. What they had to say.

DUSTIN
If I was here, then all we would have been doing would be standing and talking.

JESSE
Oh, like we’re doing right now?

DUSTIN
You are sitting.

JESSE stands up.

DUSTIN
That’s not the point. We’d just be jabbering on without reason or purpose.

JESSE
Yes, but at least we would be doing something. 4 days of sheer boredom. No exercise, no food. My kneecaps have fused tight, look at how I walk now, I’ll never sit down again!

DUSTIN
You’ve been in the old archives, haven’t you?

JESSE
I just said that I had-

DUSTIN
No, no no, you’ve been reading the old archives. Way back when you thought there was only one person worth reading other than yourself. And you would say nonspecific things that related to nothing, and talk about how absurd the world was and blahdeeblahblahbleh and my, now it’s all come back. You’re stuck again.

JESSE
I was reminded last night by a wayward production of a terrible play with a terrible director. I was just reminiscing, that’s all. Nostalgia.

DUSTIN
Remember when that one man wrote about nostalgia, and how much you abhorred even the mention of the topic? You said “there are more important matters at stake.”

JESSE
There are. There are more important matters at stake.

DUSTIN
We are in danger of becoming pointless.

JESSE
We are. We are right now.

DUSTIN
We, then why are we wearing these awful clothes, saying these awful things and doing nothing? Why aren’t we putting ourselves to the task?

JESSE
Yes! Let’s do something about it. Now that you’re here.

DUSTIN
Alright. Count to three.

They count to three together. On three they disappear. From now on, we only hear their voices. Instantaneously, two Power Rangers.

JESSE
Dagblastid! This isn’t of any use either!

DUSTIN
Let’s try again.

JESSE
Count to 4 this time.

They count to 4, but on 3 the Power Rangers disappear. In their place, a mound of McDonald’s trash and leftovers.

DUSTIN
Now this is plain wasteful!

JESSE
And disgusting!

DUSTIN
Yet oddly appetizing…

JESSE
Ugh! I don’t want to look at it anymore.

DUSTIN
Ok. Again. Ready?

They count to 3 again. Now instead of the mound of McDonalds we see superballs thrown back and forth across the stage.

JESSE
Weeeee!

DUSTIN
This is fun!

JESSE
Yes it is! The most fun of all!

DUSTIN
But we must’nt linger…

JESSE
Por quois mon frer?

DUSTIN
Un. Doix. Trois!

After a FLASH! we see a tandem donkey costume. JESSE is at the rear and DUSTIN at the front.

DUSTIN
That’s better.

JESSE
No it isn’t! How could this possibly be useful?!

DUSTIN
It illustrates a point.

JESSE
We’ll never see an audience! We’ll never be fully realized! How useless we are! How utterly, utterly useless! I wish you never came back! I wish you had stayed away!

DUSTIN
Jesse?

JESSE
WHAT?

DUSTIN
Don’t you want to know what the point was?

JESSE
What? What was the point?

DUSTIN
The point was-

BLACKOUT.