12

9.19.06

A WOODSMAN, soiled, enters, with longhaired scalps dangling from both fists. He smiles as he silently greets LAWRENCE,

LAWRENCE
May I help you, sir?

WOODSMAN
Dependin’, sir. You with the Massachusetts Royal Colonial Government?

LAWRENCE
That I am, and what of it?

WOODSMAN
Well, you see sir, I was read to a proclamation sir proclaiming a certain bounty on savage scalps delivered. I have such scalps to deliver to you post haste.

LAWRENCE
Well don’t put them down here!

WOODSMAN
Where would you have them delivered sir?

LAWRENCE
My word! They’re still dripping!

WOODSMAN
I figured on delivering the freshest by hand. The dried and tanned I have out back.

LAWRENCE
Just how many did you bring here?

WOODSMAN
By hand? I have eleven. Many more out front, but I’d be willing do round down for the purposes of estimation. I’ll have my payment in coin, thanks.

LAWRENCE
I don’t have any record here of any proclamation. When was this instated?

WOODSMAN
November the third, year of our lord seventeen fifty-five, I’m told.

LAWRENCE
You say you have collected eleven Indian scalps in less than six months? In winter?!

WOODSMAN
Nosir, like I said before, these are just the freshest ones. From the past weekend. I have three bushelsful on my mule in front. How much coin do you have to dispense?

LAWRENCE
How much did this proclamation offer for each scalp exactly?

WOODSMAN
Forty for the adult males, women and savages under twelve years of age fetch twenty.

LAWRENCE
Pence?

WOODSMAN
Pounds.

LAWRENCE
POUNDS?

WOODSMAN
Shall I bring in the bushels?

LAWRENCE
PER SCALP?

WOODSMAN
Well I have three bushels. Rounding down, my guess is average one hundred per, sir. Excepting the bushel with the children of course, tiny scalps take up less room…

LAWRENCE
What possible use could I have for this many scalps?

WOODSMAN
Well don’t ask me sir. I don’t read nor write much less conjure up such proclamations assuring payment for scalps rendered without limitation as to the payment. I imagine the use was less geared toward the creation of wigs or any such, but rather the assurance that all what dwelled below the thick black locks are rendered untheateninglike. Bit of irony, to be sure.

LAWRENCE
What irony?

WOODSMAN
Ironic guessing that the natives being resourceful as they are might have found an actual useful purpose for all these scalps.

LAWRENCE
Well, I can’t think of any use for these, and I certainly don’t fathom having them left here until a purpose can be discerned. You may dispose of your scalps, sir.

WOODSMAN
What about the count?

LAWRENCE
I’ll take it on faith.

WOODSMAN
But I have three bushelsful!

LAWRENCE
I believe you…

WOODSMAN
You sure of that? You know, it’s thinking like that what lets burly men like me take advantage of desk boatswains like yourselfsir. Not to say I myself m’not trustworthy. Far from it. Never took advantage a no one my whole life.

LAWRENCE
Tell that to eight score bald savages.

WOODSMAN
Is that the number we’re rounding them off to?

LAWRENCE
Just a moment, I need to peruse my records to verify this supposed – here we go. November the third. Certified. Well we are at war... It seems your case has merit. And you swear that these are savage scalps rendered?

WOODSMAN
The savegestsir.

LAWRENCE
Yes, well, some of these are blonde…

WOODSMAN
Reckon that’s the racial mixing. The Indian threat is an enticing one it is.

LAWRENCE
That it is. And where did you put the bodies?

WOODSMAN
The bodies?

LAWRENCE
Eight score corpses to go along with these scalps. Where did you dispose of them?

WOODSMAN
Oh. Well. I burned them.

LAWRENCE
Then what proof do I have these Indians have been neutralized?

WOODSMAN
Besides my word, which any man would be quick to take says I sir, besides my word I could give you my oath…or that is, my oath that these scalps represent a fatal amount of flesh removed from the the the skull.

LAWRENCE
Just how does one determine the fatal amount removed?

WOODSMAN
That’s simple sir. By determining if the scalp reaches the brow or not.

LAWRENCE
Yes, well, how does one make such a determination without the deceased’s head as indication? When the deceased’s head has been turned to ash?

WOODSMAN
Simple. By comparing it with the skull of the living.

He removes LAWRENCE’s wig and places a bloody scalp on his head. THE WOODSMAN makes small adjustments.

WOODSMAN
See, clearly this goes past the brow. Why I see there’s a bit of the ear attached at the side. Warm, this, isn’t it? Wager you could wear this in winter to keep you warm-

LAWRENCE
REMOVE THIS BLOODY ABOMINATION FROM MY CROWN!

WOODSMAN
Of course it might require some tanning first, but we might have found a purpose for this-

LAWRENCE
THIS HAS NO PURPOSE! This is a bloody scalp from a dead Indian. It’s purposeless.

WOODSMAN
The bald might use it as replacement hair…

LAWRENCE
IT’S SENSELESS. There are no use for these scalps. You may dispose of them at your leisure, they’re of no use to me or the colony of Massachusetts for that matter. Now, you want your payment in coin, you say…

WOODSMAN
Aye, that I do.

LAWRENCE
And what percent would you say are children and women?

WOODSMAN
Two-thirds at leastsir.

LAWRENCE
Well, then, being that women and children constitute a reasonable majority of your slaughter, and that I haven’t the coin to fulfill the totality of your claim I will strike a compromise with you sir. At forty an adult male specimen and twenty a lesser, I’ll strike it to twenty-five per scalp. With roughly eight-score heads at twenty-five each, that’s … eight thousand pound for the lot. Do you accept?

WOODSMAN
Most definitelysir.

LAWRENCE
Alright, well I clearly cannot give you payment in coin in full, seeing as how that’s more than the Governor himself makes in three years time, so you will have to settle for a note of bond assuring your eventual receipt of payment in coin or otherwise. In the meanwhile I can give you…one hundred pounds coin in trust and a deed to your claims signed by myself. These are the terms. Take them or leave them be.

LAWRENCE gathers ink, paper and a quill.

WOODSMAN
I accept your terms, sir, under the condition that I receive a handshake as well.

LAWRENCE
Yes, well, we’ll get to that in a moment. First allow me to draw up this bond of trust. Standard contract, no extensive legal verse or anything, so you haven’t got to worry about being cheated. However one further condition of this trust is that you will make no further claim on native scalps. You may slaughter them as you wish, and even scalp them for your own entertainment. Behead them for all I care, but by signing this contract you will render yourself unable to claim any further currency or goods from the Colony of Massachusetts’ treasury in exchange for severed scalps, ears, lips, tongues or any other body parts formerly belonging to a savage, do I make myself clear?

WOODSMAN
As clear as an Irishman’s piss in the mornin’ sir.

LAWRENCE
Sign here or make your mark.

WOODSMAN
Mark’ll do just fine.

THE WOODSMAN makes his mark as LAWRENCE produces one hundred pounds coin.

LAWRENCE
I might suggest you spend your new wealth on land, earn yourself a right to vote. Purchase a number of slaves, buy yourself a pretty wench. Or twenty. In any case, land is inevitably available now you’ve gone and cleansed the woods of any savages previously dwelling there. Might start your own colony with this load. Any case, here is your coin. Thank you for the signature, I’ll make sure record of this it placed in our archives and you may have a pleasant day.

WOODSMAN
What of my handshake…?

LAWRENCE
…oh…

WOODSMAN
Put her theresir!

THE WOODSMAN extends his hand. After some trepidation, LAWRENCE slowly overcomes his fear of the grime and obliges. After three shakes, THE WOODSMAN pulls LAWRENCE close while pulling a knife, holding it to his throat.

WOODSMAN
Start my own colony then? No thank you sir, I’d rather have the one already belonged to me. Scalp bounties. My mother was Chickasaw, until drunken louts from Boston rolled in and stole her from her camp. Slaved her. Died in childbirth she did, twelve years later. White thieves and murderers raised me a slave, teaching me to scalp puritans to frame the savages. I’m a bastard, raised a bastard and now thanks to your bloody proclamation I’m a rich bastard, selling your own scalps back to you. All this I’ve confessed to the right ear of every head of every taxman, every bureaucrat and every crook moments ‘fore I loosed the fur from their crown. And now I’ve confessed to you.

He slices LAWRENCE’s throat and drops him to the floor.