110

12.27.06

PARIS, on her cellphone. Perhaps a small dog in tow.

PARIS
Whatever. I don’t even give a shit anymore. …I hear you. …no, I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t care. …who cares? …well, I know you cares, but I mean who really cares…no, you matter…god, why are you being so high-maintenance?...yeah, you are. You totally are. Ok, fuck this, let me tell you something. No you hear me out, Lindsay, because I’ll tell you, I am worth fifty fucking times your fat ass’ weight in gold, alright. More than that even, so shut the fuck up and listen to me.
You’re not my little charity case anymore. You aren’t. Cause if I wanted charity, I could just fly to Africa and buy a million babies, you know? There are a million little African or Chinese babies who’d love to eat 4,000 dollar meals and set the fashion trends for the rest of the world. Do you know what it’s like to be a little African baby these days? No. How could you? Well I’m telling you, it’s not nearly as sweet as clubbing with the girls and tanning and shit. They have real problems. …The little African babies. Most of them have AIDS, you know that? And in some places in South Africa, there are people who believe that if you have sex with a virgin baby, your AIDS will go away. So there are all these slutty little babies starving to death with AIDS in Africa right now, and you are pretending like any goddamn bitching you do means anything to me.
…yeah, it’s true. Benicio told Scarlett who told Britney who told me about it. I don’t know who told Benicio, I’m guessing Sean Penn or George Clooney or some other whiny loser. The point is I don’t care if you think you’re doing too much coke, your coke problem sounds like the world’s smallest violin to me right now, and I’d rather you be my friend and entertain me like I you used to.
…that’s exactly right…uh-huh…I don’t hang out with people to look good, people look good because they hang out with me…That’s one reason I keep you around…yeah, because you used to be a pet project of mine, but now you sound like a whiny little mallrat…There are 5 billion other things going wrong on the planet right now, so I’d rather pay people like you to distract me…You only matter as much as you can keep me smiling, babe, and you knew that coming into this arrangement…Lindsay, right now my dog is worth more than you are…because my dog keeps me entertained, and to be honest, my dog has been in better movies than you have lately…if you’re so offended by what I have to say, why don’t you just hang up?
…hello?
…hello-o?
Bitch just hung up on me.