57

11.4.06
A SPEAKER enters and addresses the audience

SPEAKER
This is the most boring place in the world right now. Honestly, what are you doing here? You think this is doing any good, coming to this place? You think this is helping the world in any way? Life and death and pain and suffering are going on right now, in the REAL world. But you can sit here somehow and twiddle your thumbs and pretend like you’re learning something by being here. Oh, bravo, bravo.

Golf clap from the SPEAKER. CONSIPIRATORS enter.

SPEAKER
Oh, wait, you came here to be entertained? OH. Great. Good for you. You’ve earned it you have. No, I’m not being sarcastic at all. Uh-uh. Nosireebob.

THE CONSPIRATORS sneak up on the SPEAKER.

SPEAKER
I can think of at least a hundred things you could do right now that would change the world, and instead you are listening to what I have to say? How have I earned this distinction? What makes listening to me so worthwhile? Is it that I’m on a stage, is that it? Is the simple fact of my presence in one particular place in the world all that matters in your lazy brains?

THE CONSPIRATORS slowly tie the SPEAKER’S shoes together. The SPEAKER never notices the CONSPIRATORS.

SPEAKER
I could say anything right now, and odds are you’d find it the least bit meaningful. Even if you hate what I’m saying, I bet you’d still find it meaningful. Blah blah blah. Bloo blee blah blie blow. You can’t blame me for wasting your time, you were doing it already.

THE CONSPIRATORS place a clown nose on the SPEAKER.

SPEAKER
Do you find something funny about this? Good. The world is absurd. So is theatre and so are all of you. I don’t need to come to a play to be entertained. I get my kicks by observing doorknobs like you. That’s right, I called you doorknobs.

THE CONSPIRATORS unbuckle the SPEAKER’S TROUSERS.
The SPEAKER is wearing funny underwear.

SPEAKER
Aren’t you humiliated? Have you no shame? Everywhere people are starving, dying even, and you manage to come here, accomplishing nothing.

The CONSPIRATORS place a bald wig with rainbow hair on the SPEAKER. The speaker still does not notice.

SPEAKER
You make me sick. You people who come here to see political theatre, thinking that it’s a substitute for real change in the world. You people who come here for art, when art is the furthest thing from the minds of people who are really suffering in the world. I pity you.

The CONSIPIRATORS hold up a sign. The sign reads:

[APPLAUSE]

SPEAKER
Yeah, thanks, thank you, oh yeah, I am so grateful for everything. Put your hands together. You know what? I’m not going to bow. I don’t bow to doorknobs. I turn them.

The CONSPIRATORS hold up another sign, which reads:

[BOO!]

SPEAKER
Oh, yeah, that’s more like it. Shoot the messenger. Go ahead. The world is over anyway. The apocalypse is closer than ever, and people like you are speeding us there faster.

The CONSPIRATORS hold up another sign, which reads:

[SAY “ALOHA!”]

SPEAKER
Yeah, aloha to you too. I’m out of here. I’ve had enough of your complacency.

The SPEAKER tries to exit, but falls flat on their face. The CONSPIRATORS BOW.