105

12.22.06

(A BARE STAGE)

DORA
I HAVE A KNIFE

JO
Calm down...

DORA
FUCK YOU I GOT A KNIFE SHUT UP

JO
You're being ridiculous. Calm down and let's talk

DORA
NO WAY MAN. I see you. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO

JO
If you would please calm down, it will only take me a minute to explain

DORA
EXPLAIN SHIT!

JO
You aren't making any sense

DORA
WHAT

JO
I said you aren't making any sense, would you please

DORA
I'll cut you. I'll cut you good.

JO
DORA. I know you're having a bad day. I know you've had alot of bad days lately, but I need you to calm down and be rational. I'm not here to steal anything from you, or take anything away, I'm only here to ask you a few questions and leave. As soon as I'm done, I'm out of here, OK? If I ask you a few questions are you going to answer them for me?

DORA
What kind of questions?

JO
Easy questions. The kind that have no right or wrong answers. All I’m looking to do is asses the situation and see if your answers can make things a little easier on you.

DORA
And then you'll leave me alone?

JO
You'll never see me again. Ever.

DORA
mmokay.

JO
Ok. First question

DORA
Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. Who are you?

JO
I'm...an auditor

DORA
What's an auditor?

JO
I ask people questions and I write their answers on this clipboard and I walk away

DORA
Ok. Ask your questions

JO
OK. First question. Is this your place of residence?

DORA
Yes it is, it is my home

JO
How long have you lived here?

DORA
All my life. All my mommas life too, and her pappy built it afore she was born

JO
Ok. And when was the house destroyed?

DORA
In the storm

JO
Where's all the rubble?

DORA
There ain't any

JO
Isn't there any debris at all?

DORA
There isn't none at all

JO
When did you clear it all away?

DORA
I didn't. Storm did. Picked it up and tossed it in the sky like a handful of dandelions

JO
OK. That takes me to question four:

DORA
No it don't. You asked seven questions so far

JO
I meant the forth question on the roster. Those last three...I was curious Dora

DORA
Are you trying to trick me?

JO
No, Dora, I would never try to trick you

DORA
You got a trickish look in your eye. I seen it before, probly before you were born. I seen all sorts of trickish people in my day, so you ain’t foolin’ me one bit. Why are you so curious asking so many questions that aren't on the clipboard?

JO
I just am...

DORA
They weren't part of the bargain

JO
I know, I apologize...

DORA
SO STICK TO THE BARGAIN

JO
OK Dora, question seven

DORA
Which one is it, four or seven?

JO
It's question four, but it'll be my seventh question

DORA
SO ASK ALREADY

JO
CAN YOU PRODUCE A DEED OR TITLE?

DORA
Pardon?

JO
Can you produce a deed or a title to this estate?

DORA
I can produce alot of things

JO
Right, but do you have a deed to this house, or what's left of it?

DORA
Which is nothing...

JO
Do you have a deed?

DORA
I kept it at the bank in town in a safety deposit box. There's where you'll find it

JO
Great.I don't need to see it, I just need to know it exists

DORA
Good. Next question

JO
Next question - question eight - can you describe to me the circumstances under which your home was destroyed?

DORA
Sure I can. Next question

JO
...OK would you care to elaborate?

DORA
No. Next question

JO
How was your home destroyed?

DORA
I done told you, in the storm

JO
Please describe the events in full

DORA
The house was here. Storm came. The house was gone. What is this about, anyway?

JO
Insurance

DORA
Insurance? I don't want to buy any insurance, I don't even have a house again yet!

JO
I know, what I mean to say is

DORA
I had a FEMA trailer up until Christmas when he and I had a fight and he kicked me out. I been living in a tent since then, so I don't want none of your insurance, unless you can insure a puptent and a camp fire. I don't even got money to eat or build a new house, how you expect me to pay for all that insurance shit?

JO
Folks in town have been making complaints...

DORA
What, that I don't got any insurance? Listen, you need work on your sales pitch 'cause I think it would take a bonafide dummy to buy that bag of beans

JO
No, Dora, I'm not trying to sell you insurance. Folks in town have been complaining that you haven't had a place to live lately and that you should. See, they called the town council and the town council called the company that I work for to see if you were registered for any insurance here. Folks in town care about you, Dora, they think you're good people. Anyway, the company checked, and sure enough, you've got a bit of insurance coverage with us, not alot but a little. The company sent me here to ask you a few questions about your house and what happened to it so we can figure out how much money you have coming to you

DORA
Oh! In that case I'll tell you anything you want

JO
That's what I thought you'd say

DORA
So what do you want me to say?

JO
Describe to me, in detail, the events surrounding your home's destruction

DORA
Mokay. Clarance, that's my ex what kicked me out, Clarance and I were knockin' boots in the living room while watching the baseball game on his little portable tv. Let me show you...the living room was here and the tv was right here. Clarance and me were here, and a little over here, and we were kinda hanging over like this

JO
I don't need to know that. Tell me what happened when the storm came, please

DORA
Ok. Well afterward, we wound up on the hideabed, which was in the bedroom over here. The bedroom was small, but it was cozy. The window was nice, and it had that old warped glass that makes the trees look like they're in a funhouse mirror. So after he was done I got up and went to the kitchen...which used to be right here. Don't worry, I'm gettin' to the storm part right now. So I heard a big rumble, and I knew it was raining because how could you miss it? And I yelled out CLARANCE! “YEAH” CLARANCE IS THAT YOU MAKING ALL THAT RUMBLING? “NAH, COME BACK TO THE BEDROOM, SWEETIE” CLARANCE I THINK THERE’S A STORM COMING, A BIG ONE – I had seen on the T.V. that the coast had a hurricane, but I ignored it ‘cause a CLARANCE! CLARANCE I THINK WE BETTER BOARD UP AND GET TO SHELTER! “NAW, SWEETIE, EVERYTHANG WILL BE ALRIGHT.” So I went back into the bedroom. Clarance fell asleep in my arms, but the howlin’ winds scared the heck out of me. They was howling like dogs at the moon, but meaner, like they were bloodthirsty winds barkin. I thought it was morning, but I couldn’t tell it was so dark

JO
Then what happened?

DORA
When Clarance woke up he was scared. We both were. It was too rough for us to get out of the house anymore. He said “Sweetie, I don’t think we gonna make it out of this one alive” but I told him to get his head on straight and we could think of a way out. On the radio we heard about flash floods tearin’ up homes in the area, and although we knew we were on higher ground, my pappy told me once of how this house withstood eight feet of raging water pounding at it. Still, the winds were howlin’ away, and I begun to think like Clarance, like we were both headed for tragedy

JO
What’d you do?

DORA
Clarance and I did the only thing two old fogies such as ourselves could do. We screwed. For hours and hours and hours

JO
But how did you survive the house getting knocked down? How did you make it out of the storm? What happened?

DORA
Well, he and I were going at it, and by the third hour we had already busted out the whiskey and the moonshine, and we had sort of resigned ourselves to our fate. So Clarance, he’s all drunk with a sharpie marker writing his epitaph on his belly, and I’m, well, you know, and the winds are howling and house is shaking and it seems like the whole earth was coming to an end. And Clarance looks out the window and says “HEY! WHERE DID ALL THE TREES GO?” I look and say YOU DUMMY! THE TREES DIDN’T GO NOWHERE, WE MOVED! Sure enough, the whole house had picked itself up and slid down the hill beside the creek below. Off its foundation, the house couldn’t stand a chance against the floodwaters. Soon enough as you can blink, she was gone. Worse is I saw my Clarance was gone too. We got separated when the house was rend in two, and we floated on separate chunks of wood. I kept calling CLARANCE! CLARANCE COME BACK TO ME YOU BIG OLD DODOBIRD but I never heard him call me back. When I finally paddled to land high enough, I couldn’t stay dry for the deluge of my tears. A sheriff found me naked and weeping in the winds.

JO
When did you find out for sure that Clarance had died?

DORA
Clarance isn’t dead.

JO
What?

DORA
He kicked me out of his FEMA trailer not too long ago. Like I said, we floated down our separate ways. Any case, the flood took whatever rubble I had left and tossed it all to nothing.

JO
So the flood was what destroyed your belongings?

DORA
After the winds, yes.

JO
Great.

DORA
‘Scuse me? I don’t see how that’s great.

JO
Well, Dora, the fact is that you aren’t insured for flood damage.

DORA
And?

JO
And my company doesn’t owe you any money. Touching story though. Good luck trying to get a copy of your title. The land is probably worth a few hundred dollars.

(JO exits)

DORA
Am I missing something here?

104

12.21.06

Rain.
Onstage.
Lots of it too.
Just sit down and watch it for a while.
It’s fake, I know.
But so’s everything else onstage.
So sit and watch the rain.

103 - Random Acts of Violins

12.20.06

The following is enacted by performers with violins. They do not speak, but rather interpret their lines with their instruments. A libretto is handed to the audience, or, the text is projected behind the action of the piece.

111111
Morning.

222222
Good morning.

111111
Jesus I’m tired.

222222
Did you sleep well?

111111
(Yawns) I thought I did, but I’m still sleepy as all hell.

222222
I slept like a rock.

111111
I can tell. Where are the grape nuts?

222222
Hmm? What was that?

111111
What happened to all the grape nuts?

222222
oh…sorry. This is the last bowl.

111111
You don’t even like grape nuts!

222222
Yeah I do.

111111
Fine…do we have any cheerios?

222222
I think all we have are fruity pebbles.

111111
I hate fruity pebbles.

222222
I’m sorry. Do you want me to make you some eggs?

111111
No, I’ll just eat the fruity pebbles.

222222
Ok, sweetie. You let me know if you want anything else.

111111
Where’s all the soymilk?

222222
In the door.

111111
I see this one, but there’s like two drops left in it.

222222
It looked like more when I put it back.

111111
This is all the soymilk. You used all the soymilk on my cereal.

222222
Here, I’ll make you some eggs.

111111
I don’t want eggs, I want grape nuts in soymilk.

222222
I said I was sorry!

111111
You’re not sorry, you aren’t even lactose intolerant!

222222
There’s other food without milk you could have for breakfast! I said I would make you eggs! I could make you anything you want!

111111
I don’t want just anything, I want what I want!

222222
Why should you get what you want?

111111
Excuse me?

222222
Why should you get what you want? I’ve never gotten what I wanted! In 15 years of marriage you’ve never given me a thing I wanted because you don’t even know me!

333333 enters.

333333
What’s all the fighting about?

222222
Nothing, go back to bed.

333333
But I have to be up for school.

222222
You can be late for school today, go back to bed.

111111
No she can’t – get ready for school, you’ll be late for the bus!

222222
No, listen to me. Go back to bed.

333333
I won’t get in trouble if I’m late?

222222
No, I’ll write you a note. Now go get under the covers and put a pillow over your head.

333333
Yippeeeeeee!

333333 exits.

111111
What was that all about?

222222 murders 111111 with a frying pan.
Pause.
A moment of remorse.

222222
Ok, get ready, you’re going to be late for school!

102

12.19.06

Darkness.

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1

LIGHTS FLASH ACROSS THE STAGE. A DOZEN PIÑATAS DANGLE ABOVE OUR HEADS, AND EXPLODE. CANDY IS SHOWERED EVERYWHERE. CLOWNS CARTWHEEL AND CONFETTI FLIES. OLD TIMEY MUSIC BLARES. RICHARD NIXON ENTERS, GESTURES, AND EXITS. THE BEARS WIN THE SUPERBOWL. AN APPLAUSE SIGN FLASHES. ALL OF THIS HAPPENS IN LESS THAN FIFTY SECONDS. THEN IT ALL STOPS SUDDENLY. We rest in the aftermath. The lights return to normal. A baby cries quietly. Someone cleans the stage. Once all is restored, five minutes of quiet. If anyone remains, the countdown begins again. This time, the result is a single spotlight on a big sign which reads: “WHAT MORE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT FROM US?” The spotlight shuts off. Samuel Barber’s “Adagio for Strings” plays softly as the lights return to normal. Now, if anyone remains, at the end of the adagio, a ten second countdown ensues, and THE CARNIVAL RETURNS. EVEN MORE PHRENETIC THAN THE LAST ONE, NOW A UNICYLCIST WHEELS ABOUT, AND NIXON IS ACCOMPANIED BY RONALD REGAN. NIXON AND REGAN START TO MAKE OUT. CLOWNS THROW CANDY AT THE AUDIENCE. NINJAS DESCEND FROM THE RAFTERS TO BATTLE THE CLOWNS WITH SWORDS. THE 1812 OVERTURE BLARES. THE CLOWNS FIGHT BACK WITH PIES. NIXON AND REGAN ARE HAVING SEX. TWO PEOPLE IN A DONKEY SUIT DANCE ACROSS THE STAGE. A PANDA GIVES FLOWERS TO AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO APPEAR TO BE “NICE.” THE LIGHTS SHUT OFF. Nixon and Regan are still going at it.

101 - the LOTTERY

12.18.06

The audience enters the space and are given numbers to pin on their coats. Wagner music is pleasantly played in the background. There is a curtain, hiding a playing space. The ushers look sharp in their cold, dark uniforms, which feature strong hats not typically seen in casual attire. When all are seated, situated, and have been waiting a while, a pleasant USHER enters with THE DIRECTOR.

USHER
Hello everyone and welcome to today’s festivities! We are so happy to have you here, and we hope that the evening finds itself mutually beneficial for all involved. For now, we have given you a number and asked you to pin it to your coat. Please keep it there, so that it is highly visible to me and our team of ushers. You will recognize them because they are wearing hats not typically seen in casual attire. Before the lottery begins, I’d like to introduce you to the genius behind this event, who I may only refer to as the Director. Director, would you like to say some words?

THE DIRECTOR
No.

USHER
Ok, well let’s have a round of applause for our Director!

Applause is initiated, during which THE DIRECTOR whispers into the USHER’s ear while pointing to various faces in the crowd.
When the applause ceases, THE DIRECTOR leaves.

USHER
Alright, so I am going to give you a rundown on how all this works. Soon I will be calling your numbers randomly selected by the lottery machine outside this room. When you hear your number, please stand up quietly and make your way to the nearest usher so you may be escorted to our prize room! After your number is selected, we will not let you back in here, because we don’t want you to spoil the surprise for other potential winners. So if your number is selected, please take all your belongings with you. I ask that you please wait patiently, as this process may take quite a while. Remember, not everyone can be a winner! Those whose numbers fail to be selected will be escorted out, and invited back to try another time. I have here in my pocket a list of numbers selected before the beginning of our ceremonies. They are: #12, #14 #19 #52 and #1. That’s 12, 14, 19, 52 and1. Please make your way to the nearest usher. Thank you.

The USHER exits while the patrons are escorted out. When all have left, “hours pass.” Members of the audience grow restless and hungry. The music comes to a sudden stop. The USHER returns in a different suit. The USHER’s smile takes a great deal of effort.

USHER
Sorry that took so long, ladies and gentleman. We experienced a problem with our lottery machine, and we did not want to ask you to leave before everyone could have chance to win a prize. That said, our lottery machine is up and running again, and I am proud to announce that numbers 6, 30, and 41 are now invited to come and claim their prize. 6, 30 and 41, please approach your nearest usher. Thank you.

The USHER exits again. Screams are heard soon after the winners exit. Those who try to leave are stopped at the door and brought back to their seats. “Days pass.” Now some members of the audience grow defiant.

22
This sucks!

23
Yeah, screw this. I don’t even care about this stupid lottery.

22
God, just come and pick someone and get it over with.

23
Seriously.

22
…augh! This is the most boring thing ever!

34
That’s it! I’ve heard all of you complain quietly to yourselves, but I can’t take it any longer. Stop complaining and actually do something. We all know there’s something fishy with this lottery. I say when the usher comes back, we fight our way out of here.

AN USHER
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

34
NO! You can’t order us around! We’re people, and people in this country have rights!

A siren. The USHER enters while removing black rubber gloves. The USHER speaks through bullhorn.

USHER
Everyone, I have an announcement! Will numbers 22, 23 and ah, 34 please come with me? You have all won the special prize, thank you!

The USHER exits along with 22, 23 and a forcibly removed 34. More screams are heard. Darkness. Light from behind the curtain. The sound of electric saws and drills. Spatter on the floor. “Weeks pass.” The place is falling apart. Audience members are kept in their seats by intimidation. 29 is particularly scared. He starts to audibly cry. The Wagner music plays lightly until the USHER enters, again in a different suit, albeit disheveled. Again, the USHER speaks with a bullhorn.

USHER
Alright everyone, sorry again for the wait. We really ought to buy a new lottery machine, but unfortunately those federal budget cuts keep holding us back. Anywho, we have two more rounds for you all, so we hope you’re as excited as we are. Would the following numbers please follow me to claim your prize: 7, 13, 48.

48
NO! NO NOT ME! NOO!!!!!!

USHER
Ushers, will you please escort 48 to claim his prize?

48
NO! STAY AWAY! I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE! PICK SOMEONE ELSE! GET OFF! GET AWAY! LET ME GO! NOOO!!!

48 is carried away.

USHER
Whoa, what was his deal? That guy seemed thoroughly unhappy to win a fantastic prize! No worries, ladies and gentleman. One more drawing left! You still have a chance to win your prize! I’ll be back shortly to announce the winning numbers!

The USHER exits. Darkness. Machines. Lights again from behind the curtain. This time they open to reveal THE DIRECTOR with 34. In front of them are four plastic bins: SNO-CONES, HOT DOGS, COTTON CANDY and FRUIT CEREAL. 34’s brain is exposed. THE DIRECTOR instructs an assistant to grab the bin titled COTTON CANDY. THE DIRECTOR removed 34’s brain and smashes it up into the plastic bin. The assistant exits with the mashed-up brains, while THE DIRECTOR makes an incision in 34’s belly. When the assistant returns, THE DIRECTOR instructs them to hold up the bin marked HOT DOGS. THE DIRECTOR then scoops up 34’s innards in large handfuls and drops them into the bin. The assistant exits. THE DIRECTOR holds the bin marked SNO-CONES under 34’s body to collect all the blood. After taking a short breather, THE DIRECTOR notices that the curtain is open. The assistant re-enters with 48, who is kicking and screaming to escape. THE DIRECTOR closes the curtain. Lights back up. Happy music. The USHER renters hastily.

USHER
Well, well, it appears we’ve had some technical difficulties with the machine again, so we’ve decided that everybody wins! So if you won’t mind standing up and exiting the room in an orderly fashion, we’ll have you with your prizes in no time! That’s it, please take all your belongings. Thank you very much. Buh-bye! Hope to see you again soon!

The audience exits from where they came. Now the hallways are spattered with gore. “Let’s all go to the lobby” is piped in. Gradually the gore becomes happy polka dots and stripes. In the lobby, most of the winning audience members are seen eating free sno-cones, hot dogs, cotton candy and dry fruit cereal. These food items are offered to the other audience members as well. 22,23,34, and 48 are noticeably absent. Before the audience is allowed to leave, THE DIRECTOR, the assistant and The USHER stand by the door in bloody attire to wish the audience a happy time.

100

12.17.06

GENESIS
Lo these 130,000 years, the mountains shake and the rivers quiver. Mighty rocks become grains of sand and all the land contracts and expands. Age is ageless and time timeless: both are forever and neither exist. The orbs are spinning orbs spinning or’ orbs and under petals. Metal is merely melted stone. The quiet one speaks the loudest. The proudest Hotspur tumbles while the modest prosper. Crumble goes the ocean on the beach. Crumble goes the air at the shores of space. Or’ and or’. This is forever and never. It all existed quite before your time, but only whilst you were looking. Three cheers for dark matter! Surge tight the fabric of the universe! The eye speaks what the nose cannot bring itself to say. Lo these many years, math was before during and after never. Ever after everafter. Just as we, the math of the universe, logos of the cosmos, were doomed to be destined. The rest in a history. Exist with me. When the sun god sleeps all is darkness. Hark! The herald angles ring in 180 degrees Kelvin. Cold. Cold. Cold Cold. Cold. Cuts your liver and serves it to the stars, your little children’s twinkle in their eyes afar. Lo these eons, billions have come and gone. Trillions came and went while you were asleep. You woke up screaming in a reverse blink of an eye only to die when the sun god took a nap in the yard. Cosmic tendrils snap like whips to will you to work another day. 9 to 5. Music is a comfort unavailable in a vacuum. Entertain thyself on wine, laugh like swine, dine on your belly and feast upon yourself. Everything is everything else. Stars are made of hamburgers. Farts are made of the Lincoln Bedroom. When the sun god grew a tail, it was in a place where everyone could see it. Somehow no one remembered that it had already happened in the first place. The birth place. The birthplace.
GENESIS

99

12.16.06

A well-known pop song recorded on or after February 25, 1957 is selected. There is no restriction as to which song is selected, save the date and it’s level of popular familiarity.

A BIG FIRE

Laying, dead, in a circle, a group of people with bones in each hand stare up at the sky. A person with a skull painted up-side down on their face enters and beats an enormous drum.

The dead come to life and begin to circle the fire to the beat of the drum. With their mouths they make scratching clicks like that of record pops and scritches. Then the moaning beings.

As the moans make chords with wails, the beating becomes more rhythmic. The skull-faced person lets out an enormous shriek, which pauses all in their tracks.

1 2 3 4

The people dance around the fire to the beat of the drum, accompanying with moans, wails and the cracking of bones. Gradually, it becomes apparent that the dancers are playing a well-known pop song, recorded on or after February 25, 1957. Their rendition is terrifying. The bone dance gives new life to the song.

Occasionally, the bone dancers skip back and move forward again, as though they had experienced a crack in some primeval Victrola.

When the song is finished, the skull-faced drummer lets loose another shriek. This time, those surrounding the fire respond with cries and ululations. Again a song is played, at a faster tempo than the last. This continues from song to song, until the DEAD SONG, which is too fast for the dancers. They fall dead, one by one, hopping over each other’s corpses while tracing a fast circle about the fire. When all are dead, the skull-faced drummer bellows a mournful cry which goes unanswered by the cosmos. They douse the fire and exit backwards, staring at the embers.

98 - Presents

12.15.06

Rainbow music.
I enter with a package, wrapped neatly and tied with a colorful bow. I place it on the ground. I exit.
I reenter with another package, wrapped differently, but just as colorful. I place it next to the previous package. I exit.
I repeat this process.
Soon a large mound of packages and presents forms.
Some packages are large.
Some are rather small.
They all look very pretty.
The packages form a rainbow of packages.
I enter with one last giant package.
This package is bigger than me.
With great difficulty, I carefully set the package on the ground.
I exit for the last time.

Darkness.
Fanfare.
Spotlights.
A drumroll…

The top of the big box comes off, sending a rainbow of balloons into the rafters. Ecstatic music. Raucous applause. The lights return to normal. Quiet.

One of the smaller packages starts to shake.
It squirms and wiggles.
Finally, after a great struggle, I burst out of the tiny packages, looking disheveled with handful of beat-up daisies.

I pass out.

Blackout.

97

12.14.06

[G] [D] [D7] [E] [E]
[G] [D] [D7] [E] [E]
[A] [A] [E] [E]
[A] [F] [G] [G]

A sudden stop:

jr.
Wait wait wait, you’re all flat.

J.R.
Oh. Excuse me.

jr.
Here’s my E. [E]

J.R.
Sounds about right to me.

jr.
[Em]
I guess it’ll have to do.

J.R.
Well, just give me a minute here, I’ll fix things up.

jr.
[Am]
Losing your hearing in your old age?

J.R.
Could you stop for a second please? I can’t hear myself.

jr.
You must be going tone deaf.

J.R.
Har har. [E] There, is that better?

jr.
No.

J.R.
Good enough for me.

jr.
[G]
Didn’t your friends always use to accuse you of being out of tune?

J.R.
[G7]
No more than anyone else. Why?

jr.
[C]
I guess I remember them teasing you for being out of tune all the time.

J.R.
[C]
Like when you were a kid?

jr.
[G]
Yeah. When you were at practice.

J.R.
Hold on, I never took you to practice with me.

jr.
Sure you did. You and all the other folkies, I used to play with their kids.

J.R.
Well I never called them “folkies”…

jr.
That’s what you were, weren’t you?

J.R.
I hate the word “folkie.” Even more than I hate “gig” or “riff.”

jr.
What about “woodshed”?

J.R.
[G]
I never really heard that one a lot.

jr.
I hate that word. “Shedding.” [G7] “Gig” too. I hate “gig.”

[C] [C] [G]

jr.
You’re out of tune again.

J.R.
Would you knock it off?

jr.
How old is that guitar?

J.R.
None of your damn business.

jr.
No need to get snarky, Jesus.

J.R.
What did you just say to me?
That’s what I thought…
You haven’ seen “snarky”.
Leopold Mozart. He was “snarky”.

jr.
Who’s Leopold Mozart?

J.R.
Who do you think?

jr.
I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.

J.R.
Mozart’s father. Leopold Mozart was Mozart’s father.

jr.
Why was he snarky?

J.R.
I don’t know. He had a big chip on his shoulder. [E] The point is, I am nowhere near as “snarky” as he was. All those music dads were assholes. Beethoven’s dad made him go deaf. I think you were pretty lucky with me.

jr.
Ok. I get it. You’re not Mozart’s father.

J.R.
Are you my son?

jr.
I don’t know, am I?

J.R.
‘Cause if you are then you’re damn sure I ain’t Mozart’s father.

[Em]

J.R.
I’m just teasing.

[E]

J.R.
I love you.

jr.
I love you too, dad.

96

Black.
Time passes.
More black.

95

12.12.06

A crotchety old performer creaks on to the stage. After appraising the audience while wearing a sour expression on their wrinkled face, they nod disapprovingly. The crotchety old performer raises their hands with fingers spread and jabs the air, as if casting lightning bolts from their fingers. A satisfied grunt. Muttering, the crotchety old performer creaks offstage.