73 - The MAN, at leisure

11.20.06

An OLD MAN, with PIPE, sitting in a chair with a nice book.

OLD MAN
Oh, why hello there. Didn’t notice you come down to the old reading room. Would you like a cup of coffee? No? well alright then.
Settling down in front of my Dickens here. Silly lily-livered chap he was. Good stories though. They keep these old peepers sliding from left to right. Or right to left if you’re observing. In any case, I’m still stuck on page fifty-two. Haven’t gotten very far in the Samuel Clemens yet either. Ho hum. Se la vie.
You’re looking rather young and spry these days. Got a job yet have you? Every time I see you it seems as though you’re in some education institution or some such. Graduated yet? Oh well, no pressure. No need to be Atlas yet, you know.
The grandbabies are doing well, thanks for asking. Growing up a bit too fast, you ask me. They seem to want all the benefits without any of the responsibility. The (good) news to report is that the oldest is having a little one of their own. That is correct sir, you’re looking at a future great grandfather, heh heh. Looks like I’ve been rather fruitful and multiplied quite a bit. You might say I have manufactured some successful semen, yessir.
Business is great for me. We recently released a new album and launched a publicity tour for one of our youngest talents. Her recordings are rather close to Britney Spears, but then again everything sounds like old BS these days, am I right? BS has revolutionized the industry in her own way. Now everyone aspires to become BS. But hey, a sold out sound is a sold out sound, ey chap? Paid for this here mahogany pipe, leather throne and first edition Dickens. Paid for the mighty sperm as well…
Yessir, things are strolling right along...
…
Well, if you don’t mind, I’ll get back to page fifty-two. Still feeling a little stuck right now, haven’t quite gotten outside of the best of times yet. Good to see you though. Cheerio old chap!

72

11.19.06

A WRECH enters and exits across the space with a wagon full of brains, hacking and shouting:

WRECH
BRAINS FOR SALE. BRAINS FOR SALE. BIG PINK AND CHEAP!

71 - I didn't really know him, but as a part of my community, I felt obligated...

11.18.06

GASOLINE
So the thought dawned on me when I was stuck in traffic. I was thinking about all the gallons and gallons of gasoline that were being wasted because everybody had to get home in time to watch their favorite television shows. No teamwork, no collaboration. It’s a wonder game theory hasn’t yet been applied to traffic. And these gallons of gasoline, which wouldn’t have to have been wasted, needlessly burned by the stop and go and stop and go. A slow moving stampede of nine to fivers burning away. So that’s where I got the idea.
You know, when you’re stuck in traffic, everything you do has a ripple effect, whether you know it or not. You hit the brake, and so does everyone behind you.
If every car stuck in traffic in a single day lined up end to end, it would stretch from here to the dead sea and back again.
Needless to say, that’s a lot of gasoline.
Talk radio knows when we’re all stuck in traffic. That’s when the human mind is most susceptible to change. Studies have shown that your brain hums itself into a strange meditation where the suggestions of the radio can actually change your opinion for ill or for good. I don’t know where these studies come from, I’ve never read them myself, but you get my point. This is where I got the idea to do it while everyone was suck in traffic. So maybe I could change their minds a bit.
Talk radio has a history of being aligned with those in power. I don’t think I need to say anything more on that topic.
I sort of though of the idea as doing the exact opposite of what talk radio could do.
I also wrote a manifesto…
…
AH! That’s cold! A bit ironic.
It really stings the eyes. Should have brought goggles.
…
When you all go home, after seeing what you’ve seen, you’ll have an opinion. You’ll react and it will affect how you see everything in the world. Or you’ll call me crazy, depressed or lonely.
I don’t care what you call me, really. I just want to change how you see the world. To make you give birth to an opinion. Not only about this, but about everything.
Traffic.
Talk radio.
Gasoline.
We might as well try to make the best of it. I mean the whole world is going to get swallowed up by the sun eventually anyway, right?

70

11.17.06

A single player enters the stage, perhaps in puffy Shakespearian attire. She or he invites the audience to a game of twenty questions. The player mocks those who guess or ask any questions, and storms out in a temper tantrum if the audience guesses correctly: The player was thinking of “a play.”

69 - Holy Coronation

11.16.06

A THRONE. The sound of SOUSA FANFARE. A crowd roars. Guards march in followed by UNCLE SAM holding a crown. An AUDIENCE MEMBER, previously selected, is escorted in, and seated on the throne, over which UNCLE SAM holds the crown. An old timey radio announcer:

ANNOUNCER
PRESENTING FOR TODAY AND TODAY ONLY, PLUCKED FROM YOU, THE COMMON PEOPLE, CHOSEN BY FATE AND BLESSED BY DESTINY, WE BRING YOU THE CORONATION OF THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE indefatigable MONARCH OF MANIFEST DESTINY, YOUR BRAND NEW (QUEEN/KING) OF AMERICA!

Rapturous applause. UNCLE SAM SPEAKS.

UNCLE SAM
Today, on this most glorious of days, the church of America has guided its favor upon one of its many children. And lo, these many years, such a hopeful moment has yet to cross my weary eyes as this, most happy of coronations. So will I say to you, our new divine leader, show us the way to glory, and we will glorify you for all days.

SOUSA REQUIEM as the AUDIENCE MEMBER is cleansed and robed in banners. UNCLE SAM walks the crown to face four directions, murmuring a holy benediction. Finally, the AUDIENCE MEMBER is prepared, and kneels at the feet of UNCLE SAM.

UNCLE SAM
Do you swear to rule with decency, to combat corruption and to govern with intent?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
I do.

UNCLE SAM
And do you, the people of AMERICA honor this coronation with your assent?

AUDIENCE (hopefully)
We do.

UNCLE SAM
Then repeat after me:
I, the citizen of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, Do recognize the gilded age that is to come, And with full knowledge of the silver ages that have come to pass, Ask that this mortal before me accept this CROWN, As a token of the godliness from which they shall rule, And gratefully look forward to the fairness and balance which is to come. Amen.

GUARDS
Hear ye hear ye, we have heard the people speak!

UNCLE SAM
So then the church of AMERICA crowns it’s new (KING/QUEEN)!

UNCLE SAM silently lowers the crown atop the AUDIENCE MEMBER’S head. In an instant: confetti flies, balloons fall, a SOUSA ovation blares, the crowd roars, and the guards fire rounds into the air. If the AUDIENCE MEMBER wishes to speak, then they should be allowed to do so. After the celebrations are complete, the ritual is either abandoned as if it were nothing, or a glorious exit is made at once.

68

11.15.06

Showing off new tattoos

ROSE
That’s nice, what made you decide to get it on your hip?

FROG
Easy to hide, fun to show I guess. I don’t know what I was thinking.

HEART
You don’t like it anymore?

FROG
No, I love it, it’s just, you know, permanent.

HEART
Isn’t that the point?

FROG
Yeah, but I was drunk when I got it. That wasn’t so permanent.

ROSE
Ok, my turn.

HEART
Oooh…Pretty…Rose…

FROG
Needs more color.

ROSE
Color comes next, when I get more money.

HEART
Looks expensive…

ROSE
Does that really matter?

FROG
Did it hurt there?

ROSE
Not really. Well, yeah, but you know, not like particularly painful.

FROG
Not like the hip…what was I thinking?

HEART
I like it!

ROSE
Mine?

HEART
Yours too. But yours is my favorite of the two.

FROG
Thanks, what about you?

ROSE
Yeah, where is it hiding?

FROG
Come out come out wherever you are!

HEART
Hey, stop!

FROG
Is it over here? No... Is it over here?

ROSE
I bet you its…

FROG
Hey, where is it?

ROSE
You didn’t get one!

HEART
Yeah, I did!

ROSE
Bullshit, let’s see it!

FROG
We made a pact! We were going to do this together! You convinced us! I wouldn’t have done this otherwise, where’s your tattoo?

HEART
I got two actually.

ROSE
Oh yeah, one for each butt cheek?

HEART
One for each of you.

FROG
Well then let’s see it then, then we’ll believe it.

HEART
I got one of a frog right here, and one of a rose on your belly.

An exchange of glances.

FROG
No, really, where is your tattoo?

67

11.14.06

OLD GUITAR
Welcome to the big lonely. Population one. That’s a song I wrote for you once, before you got here. When I was the mayor.

Let’s just, why don’t we leave it at that for now?

66

11.13.06

With bottle in hand. After taking a seat with great difficulty.

I don’t know what you’re talking about
I’m perfectly fine
I don’t want to go to school
I know what I’m doing I know what I can handle
Thirsty is all
What did you say
I HEARD THAT
Santa clause DOES NOT exist
I’ve been lied to my entire life
Oh well
I’m hungry
I feel like the champion of the world in a movie about winning the world
I got the new album
I bought it at the mall
With my own money
Got the dvd too
Bought that at the mall with my own money
That I earned
I have a crush
Ugh
I don’t feel so good
Ugh
I am not requited
Ugh
I am not so hungry anymore
Wait
Wait wait wait
No
Ok I feel fine now
I feel better
I’m in love
No I’m not
I’m not better
Crap
…
I just threw up a little
Damn I have such a headache
I don’t want to go to work
I think I’m sobering up a little
I know what love is
The world is much older than me
I probably shouldn’t have stolen this bottle
It’s a bit late for that now
Now I’ve got the blues
By that I mean I understand the blues
I now understand the blues
But I’ll never be able to sing them
I don’t have that bad of a headache anymore
Can see a bit more clearly
Especially behind me
This booze acts a bit too fast for my tastes
I don’t suppose there is much I can do about that
God I was such a cow a minute ago
I mean I was a real sheep
Baaa
Mooo
I’m being serious here
Seriously
Moo
When you’re young you are drunk in the world
Then you sober up
What was I saying?
I forgot
Damn I’m getting so forgetful lately
I’m tired
Too tired
I don’t want to go to bed yet
I’m sick of feeling this way
I think I’ll just stop for now.

65

11.12.06
Total darkness/silence. The audience awaits the play for enough time that their eyes adjust and they almost become uncomfortable. Light tinkery music. The performers enter the space quietly and begin to whisper to one another, audible to the audience.

11111
Sad. So sad.

22222
Tragic. Terribly tragic.

33333
Lost. Completely lost.

11111
Scared. Very scared.

22222
Worried. Truly worried.

33333
Afraid. Absolutely afraid.

A LOUD POP. Silence again. Again whispers.

11111
What was that?

22222
Did you hear something?

33333
What did you think that was?

11111
Mind playing tricks…

22222
Sounded like a pop…

33333
I don’t know what that was…

SILENCE.

11111
Do you think we’ll hear it again?

22222
Would you want to hear it again?

33333
It scared me the first time.

11111
You were already scared…

22222
Frightened, really. We were all frightened.

33333
I don’t want to hear it again.

SILENCE.

11111
Maybe it was nothing.

22222
Just a shot in the dark.

33333
Maybe it was the first step.

11111
The first step?

22222
To what?

33333
To the end of the world.

11111
Nonsense.

22222
What would make you say such a thing?

33333
It’s bound to happen sooner or later.

11111
I have a feeling it would be much larger-

ANOTHER LOUD POP, THIS ONE LOUDER.

22222
I’m scared!

33333
Step two…

11111
Be quiet!

A POP WITH ECHOES.

22222
Shhh….

33333
Shhh….

11111
What is that noise?

22222
I want to get out of here.

33333
Shhh….

11111
You shh, I want to know what that was!

22222
A big pop!

33333
The end of the world, when the music stops…

11111
The music has never stopped before.

22222
Yeah, the music has never stopped before.

33333
Always a first time for everything.

SILENCE.

33333
Including the end of the world,

SILENCE. The cessation of whispers.

11111
You aren’t going to scare me!

22222
I’m scared! I’m definitely scared!

33333
Nothing we can do about it, it’ll happen sooner or later.

11111
You aren’t going to turn my crank or yank my tale! I’m not scared!

33333
Never said you should be!

22222
Well you’re scaring me!

11111
Knock it off!

33333
There’s nothing I can do about it! The end is near!

22222
It’s not true! It’s not true!

11111
It can’t be true-

THE LARGEST OF POPS, followed by a blinding white light and happy child’s laugh. 11111, 22222, and 33333 are dressed in weasel outfits. They reach to the sky and bobble up and down.

64

11.11.06

A FIGURE with a can of diet cola.

FIGURE
After I finish this delicious beverage, all of the world’s problems will come to an end!

The FIGURE shotguns the can of diet cola, belches, smiles.

63

11.10.06

A RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER is selected.

A FIGURE in a NICE SUIT and WHITE COTTON GLOVES enters, producing and carefully unfolding a nice piece of paper, which he or she reads aloud while standing behind the seated AUDIENCE MEMBER.

FIGURE
The contents of [AUDIENCE MEMBER’S] mind to date. Abridged.
I’m cold. I’m scared. I’m screaming. Why? Why? Why? I’m hungry. Feed me. I’m sleepy. Don’t pick me up. I’m hungry. I’m uncomfortable. Why? Everything irritates me. Who are these people always smiling at me? I like these people. Feed me. Why? I’m scared. I’m hungry. I can stand. I can walk. I can talk. Why? I’m sleepy. Feed me. I now understand humiliation. Why? I can read. I am attracted to that person. Why? I am attracted to that other person. Why not? I can run. I like hugs. I can paint using my fingers. I can draw with a pencil. Feed me. I can draw with a pen. Why? Bugs are gross, but oddly appealing. Worms live under the ground. I can write in cursive. I will die some day. Why? Worms will eat me after I am dead. Why? Sex. Toys no longer give me the same solace they used to. I like music. Sex. Some day everyone and everything I know will die. I am sad. Why? Sex. I am in love with that person. Sex. Feed me. Sex. That person broke my heart. Sex. Why? Sex. The world is an enormous place. Nature is cruel. Nature is inherently good. The universe is larger than I can possible comprehend. Sex. Math is an infinite abstract. I am in love with that other person. That person is in love with me. Why? Sex. Feed me. Friends are lovers that I am not physically attracted to. Sex. Friends are lovers who I do not have physical relations with. Work is not as fun as free time. Work is more fun than I had expected. I can always improve. Sex. I am a failure. Feed me. I am glum. Sex. Sex. Sex. I feel better about myself every day. Sex. The world is inherently good. Sex. Art is wonderful. Sex. I enjoy all different kinds of art. Sex. Feed me. I feel like going to a play. Sex. That play moved me in some way. Why? I will go to other plays. Some plays do not move me as much. Why? I will go to a play tonight. I am at a play. This does not seem like any play I have been to. I hope I am asked to participate. Why is this person reading from this sheet of paper? Why are they wearing white gloves? Do they really think that they are reading my mind? These statements are rather general. They could happen to anybody. Sex. This person is saying things that were in the back of my mind. How did they know that? Sex. I’m bored. Sex. I hope this is over soon. … Is it over? …no, damn it isn’t… Is it done now? … Sex….shit.

The FIGURE in a NICE SUIT and WHITE COTTON GLOVES carefully folds the piece of paper and hands it to the AUDIENCE MEMBER. The paper is blank. The FIGURE begins to applaud the AUDIENCE MEMBER for their bravery.