83 - A Visible Man

11.30.06

IN THE DARK

A Door creaks open and slams closed

Steps

A glass breaks

“Shit”

Crunchy, glass-filled steps

A chair gets moved

A bottle is uncorked

Liquor is poured

Ice added

Gulps

A satisfied breath

Gulps

More liquor poured

The chair squeaks as it bears weight

Shoes are kicked off

Socks are pulled off

A gulp

A belch

A deep sigh

A fart

Scratches

The last of the liquor poured

“Goddamnit”

The chair is knocked over

Barefoot steps

A cabinet is opened

Another bottle is uncorked

Sniffs

A single crunchy barefoot step

Deep, guttural creams

A chair is tripped over

The bottle breaks

“COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!”

Glass squeaks as it is pulled from a bare foot

“GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SONOFABITCH!”

LIGHT

A man in a grey suit with a red tie, blind, bloodied & bewildered, writhes on the floor. He shields his eyes

“What the…? Whatthefuck are you doing up? Go back to bed before I kick your goddamn little ass! Go on! GO!”

Tiny scampers

“Hey! Get back here! Turn the fucking light off! Jesus!”

The man stands on one leg and hobbles to the lightswitch

“Lights don’t grow on fucking…trees. Fucking…fuck…
What am I? Made of gold?”

LIGHTS OUT

82 - ...the INVISIBLE!

11.29.06

One or the Other unseen by the audience.

DOCTOR
Vitals are good. Temperature is reasonable. BP is right on. Immune system is back up to snuff. I think we can officially call this whole procedure a success. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and say it. This has been a complete success.

INVISIBLE
I’m chilly.

DOCTOR
We can have you put on some clothes in a moment. For now I need to have my interns run a few additional tests and procedures.

INVISIBLE
I thought you said this was a success.

DOCTOR
Oh it is, most definitely.

INVISIBLE
So what’s with the more tests?

DOCTOR
Completely necessary. Firstly, I need to get some ground zero data entry in on you. We’ll be sending you out into the world again soon and I want to know how your stats change in an uncontrolled environment. ALSO. Also I want to have the interns take a look…um….I want to have the interns run some of your exams under my supervision.

INVISIBLE
But I’m naked.

DOCTOR
Yes, well, they can’t see that can they?

INVISIBLE
I guess not…

DOCTOR
Precisely. So what do you have to worry about? Nothing.

INVISIBLE
What if they touch something accidentally?

DOCTOR
Raise your right arm please. Thank you.

INVISIBLE
How do you know I raised my arm?

DOCTOR
I heard you shift. Other arm. Other arm please. Don’t just skootch your butt on the table, raise your left arm. Thank you.

INVISIBLE
Am I the world’s first invisible person?

DOCTOR
You are indeed. Rich too. Your pension is bigger than my salary.

INVISIBLE
Will the others get paid as much as me?

DOCTOR
Others?

INVISIBLE
You’re doing this again, right?

DOCTOR
Not for a while. Ok, I’m going to give you a list of things you can and cannot do.

INVISIBLE
Wait. Hold up. I don’t want to talk about that right now.

DOCTOR
We only have about ten minutes for this session…

INVISIBLE
You said any time I had questions I could ask them.

DOCTOR
Alright. One. After that I need to go through this checklist with you.

INVISIBLE
Why not have the interns do it? Give us more time to talk.

DOCTOR
Because I barely trust the interns to take your temperature when I’m not watching. Ask.

INVISIBLE
Why don’t you trust your interns?

DOCTOR
Is that your question?

INVISIBLE
It’s A question.

DOCTOR
I don’t trust my interns because you are the single most valuable human being alive today. They are among the most highly decorated young medical practitioners in the country, but no amount of training will ever reiterate to them the importance of this project and of you as its culmination. Because they make mistakes. Costly, costly mistakes. That is why I don’t trust my interns.

INVISIBLE
The mistakes, did they make the big ones you told me about?

DOCTOR
Yes.

INVISIBLE
The ones with the skin problems?

DOCTOR
Yes, and the burning.

INVISIBLE
Can I ask you one last question? What was the worst mistake you ever saw?

DOCTOR
In this project? Well. We’ve had seven participants including you. The one before you was close, real close, but an intern forgot to wash their hands or something and the subject caught a rhinovirus. That’s why we kept you in isolation until your immune system kicked back in. Our first subject was a massive failure in the application stage. Spent twice as much on that one as we did on you, but there was a problem with dosage and we wound up scrapping the whole process before any level of transparency could be completed. I think that person’s walking around with translucent veins and arteries now.

INVISIBLE
What was the worst you saw?

DOCTOR
I just told you-

INVISIBLE
I mean the absolute worst. I already knew about the one that caught a cold in the last stage and the one that didn’t disappear. And I’m not just talking about the people neither.

DOCTOR
Through this whole project? As long as I’ve been involved? That’s a tough one. I’ve performed dissections on mice whose insides vanished so they looked all hollowed out. That was intentional though. We had some issues when we worked on canines about twelve years back. Skin would disappear, but the muscle would be visible. That repeated as a primary symptom on two of our human subjects before they boiled out. But we couldn’t see that when it happened. No, the worst thing I saw was when I was working on the chimps, under the previous chair. Real dick. No bedside manner. He would just order randomized changes in dosage levels, just to see what would happen. Sick. It’s what got him fired, eventually, when the videos surfaced. Almost had the whole project exposed.

INVISIBLE
I saw those videos.

DOCTOR
You had to. No way they were going to let me proceed unless you were totally informed.

INVISIBLE
Ok. You can give me your list now.

DOCTOR
My list? Oh, the list, right. This is a list of cans and cannots. Really its mostly cannots. I see there are some obvious ones, which don’t need much explanation. I’ll skim them for now, you can reread them later…ok…don’t use your transparency for criminal enterprises at any time, anyway we got the gps in you now, so we’d know if you broke into a bank vault or anything…No initiation of sexual contact. That’s a good one to note, you can’t fool around with anyone who doesn’t initiate first. I know it seems weird, but it has to with consent, and our liability if a blow up should happen. Don’t seek medical advice from anyone outside the program’s affiliation. I know I’ll be busy most of the time, but it’s important. I’m serious, some idiot family practitioner gives you an aspirin and your could have a stroke the second it hits your stomach. Also, no over the counter anything, come back here for whatever you would normally buy at Walgreens or Osco or whatever. This is a funny one, don’t jaywalk. That makes sense. Wait, where did you go?

INVISIBLE
I’m over here. Why can’t I jaywalk?

DOCTOR
You can’t jaywalk because no one can see you. Please sit back on the table.

INVISIBLE
Oh. Right. Sorry.

DOCTOR
You know what? Reading through this list, there isn’t much else you can’t read for yourself come to think of it. Basically, you need to walk on egg shells.

INVISIBLE
Is that good for my feet?

DOCTOR
No, I mean you need to maintain a cautious and focused effort to stay out of trouble.

INVISIBLE
Okay.

DOCTOR
You’re worth billions of dollars you know.

INVISIBLE
I know.

DOCTOR
We’re counting on you.

INVISIBLE
Okay, I get it.

DOCTOR
Alright, well, I’ll go get you some clothes and some body paint for now. Remember not to apply it for more than 30 hours in a single week, otherwise you’ll get some gnarly hives. How was your meeting with the optometrist? Did the contacts look right?

INVISIBLE
Yeah, fine. When does this wear off?

DOCTOR
When does what wear off? Are you still drowsy?

INVISIBLE
No. I mean this, the whole invisibility thing.

DOCTOR
Very funny.

INVISIBLE
I’m not joking.

DOCTOR
You’re serious?

INVISIBLE
Uh. Yeah.

DOCTOR
Jesus, didn’t you read your initiation packet?

INVISIBLE
I skimmed it, what? When does it wear off?

DOCTOR
The agent has a half life of like six thousand years, so it ain’t wearin’ off any time soon.

INVISIBLE
But I’ll be visible again soon, right? People will be able to see me, right?

DOCTOR
No, what did I just say? The effects are irreversible. That’s why we’re paying you so much money, we kept telling you time and time again…What are you doing? Stop hyperventilating, you’re going to make yourself pass out. There. Slow breaths. That’s right. Take it nice and slow…Hello? You still awake? …Are you still with me…?

A glass breaks.

DOCTOR
Get back on the table!

INVISIBLE
No!

DOCTOR
Where are you?

INVISIBLE
Fuck you!

DOCTOR
The doors are locked. You’re not going anywhere. AH!

INVISIBLE
I’ll have to take your keys then.

DOCTOR
Get your hand out of my pocket! The keys aren’t in there!

INVISIBLE
Let go of my arm!

DOCTOR
OWWW!

Pounding on the door.

INVISIBLE
Let me out of here!

DOCTOR
You nearly bit my fucking ear off!

INVISIBLE
Somebody help me!

DOCTOR
Get over here!

INVISBLE
Get away from me!

DOCTOR
Sit down so we can discuss this, please.

INVISIBLE
No!

DOCTOR
No one’s going to let you out. We told you from the very beginning that this would completely alter your lifestyle. Now if you can sit down for a minute so we can discuss this like adults, I can go over your compensation package and I’m sure you’ll feel a whole lot better…Okay? Please, calm down and listen, alright?

An INTERN enters and stands in the doorway.

INTERN
Excuse me, Doctor, could you just sign my internship hours for the week, oh and who was that shouting a minute ago-

The INTERN gets knocked down. The door slams shut.

INTERN
Golly. What the heck was that?

81

11.28.06

An aged oak table, with a half filled bottle of whiskey. Enter MERLE. He produces a dried flower and carefully places it in the bottle. He is alone.

MERLE
In the name of the father and the son and the holy spirit, amen.
Lord.
It’s been a good year for a lot of us.
Jake down there at the auto shop says business is steady. Says a bunch of the town’s beaters are finally starting to break down, which I’d never wish on no one, but everyone sees the silver lining. His kids look well fed and warm this winter. And Jake, he should have his gamblin’ debts paid off by February. You kept him away from the table for a full nine months now, Lord. Should be proud of yourself.
Miranda at the old folk’s home has really caught her stride, now she’s been there for a while. Much better than the factory job, she says. I talked to her last week, and she gave me some dried flowers she picked the day she got hired. She’s getting a bit chubby again, though. Not too chubby, you know, it’s a good sign and all, but she doesn’t have that hollowness to her she used to have, you know? I guess you got to trade some things in.
I’ve been calling Kris and Kendall over and over, but I don’t think they want to talk anymore. Good for them. Good to move on. Wouldn’t want to be a burden. Not looking for forgiveness, you know? I can keep my own head up, I don’t want to send anyone else crashing down just to ease my aches.
Heard some rather pretty music last night. I couldn’t really make it out. Some flutes. Went nice with the snow, listened through the car window, think it was Christmas music. I had to close it though, on account of the cold. It was my hands, you know? They got too cold. I can usually take the cold, but my hands…Anyway, there wasn’t anything in my glove compartment. Remember when I used to keep a flask there? It was a warm memory for me, sitting there and listen to those flutes.
The window fogged up from all my heavy breathing. I breath with my mouth open now, Lord. And my breath froze to the window and made all these patterns. There were cold repeating swirls and spirals that went nice with the snow falling down.
Thursday was tough for me.
I couldn’t get through it without thinking about all that time. Where does it all go? Where do you put all that time when we’re done with it? Or does it just blow out our tailpipes like some smoky exhaust? I just needed some fuel lord. That’s all. A higher power wasn’t doing it for me Thursday night.
Anyway, its been a couple days since then, and I’m doing better. And I didn’t get back in the car this time until I knew it was all over. I really just wanted to apologize to you and to Rose, you know, since the kids won’t let me. Can you just tell me it’s alright?
Lord.
Tell me it’s alright lord…
In the name… of the father and the son and the holy spirit. Amen.

MERLE picks up the flower and throws it to the floor, gulping.

80

11.27.06

11111
Pi-Zi-Ca-To (repeated indefinitely)

22222
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaygaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahtooooooooooooooooooooh

33333
TremoloTremoloTremoloTremoloTremoloTremoloTremoloTremoloTremoloTremolo

22222 & 33333
Pi-Zi-Ca-To Pi-Zi-Ca-To Pi-Zi-Ca-To Pi-Zi-Ca-To Pi-Zi-Ca-To

79

11.26.06

PART ONE

“In”

People Gather Merrily.
A Bomb Goes Off On Stage.
Short Aftermath.

Black.

PART TWO

“Out Jazz”

6 performers explore every aspect of their instruments in a palpable amount of time. The remnants of the explosion remain, but fade. Here all narrative is erased, as a story is not the priority. The aim of our 6 performers is to create everything they possibly can using themselves.

PART THREE

Since foreign gore and blood is infinite
We flew beyond the dark side of the moon
“Oh brave new world, that has such people in’t”
Our eyes adjusted to the dark of noon

We saw we see we’ll seek a better grave
Removed from bullets’ brides and husbands dead
A future we were told we could have saved
Before we thought about what we had said

So far we are to know not what we do
Our spaceships flying through the awful maw
We love each other’s fists into our mouths
And say these words like treading in the sea

Are you with the government? You a cop?
I said, are you a cop? Get the fuck out!

78

11.25.06

Lights up.




V
E
R
Y
S
L
O
W
L
Y
A
P
E
R
F
O
R
M
E
R
C
R
A
W
L
S
O
N
T
O
T
H
E
S
T
A
G
E

PERFORMER
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ’ mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee nngngngngngngngngngngngngngngngngngngngngn ttttttttttt oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ooooooooooooooooooooooo ou uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ththththththththththththth eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss oooooooooooooooooooooooo - cccccc aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllD “ththththththththththththth iiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrD Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww oooooooooooooooooooooooooo rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllD.”

PAUSE.
A GIANT STACK OF PAPERWORK
FALLS HEAVILY TO THE GROUND.
PAUSE.
A SIGH.
T H E P E R F O R M E R S L O W L Y
P R O D U C E S A P E N C I L A N D
L I C K S T H E U N S A V O R Y T I P.
PAUSE.
ANOTHER SIGH.


T
H
E
P
E
R
F
O
R
M
E
R
S
T
A
R
T
S
F
I
L
L
I
N
G
I
T
A
L
L
O
U
T
























Lights out.

77 Poor Worm! Thou art infected!

11.24.06

Enter PROSPERO

PROSPERO
Should I stand here? Or here? Where should I stand?

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Um, there is fine.

PROSPERO
Okay. I’ll stand right here.
Am I inside my light?

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Just stand right there.

PROSPERO
Alright, okay. I’ll just shut up for now.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Can we get makeup on our Prospero?
Um, now? We’re rolling…hey! Where’s makeup? LIZ!

LIZ enters. Puffs PROSPERO.

PROSPERO
Tonight I dine on turtle soup with you,
And Donatello is dessert, deeeeseerrrrt.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Stay quiet on the set please, Prospero.

Exit LIZ.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Okay, are we still rolling? Yes we are? Okay.
And Prospero? Okay in 5…4…3…

PROSPERO
…yo-yo, wassup? Its VJ Prospero!
Here I am telln’ you bout the hottest
New trends in Pop! But first a word from our
Most awesome and bodacious sponsors! Word!
…What was that one? Was that one number four?
…did we get it or can I do one more?

76

11.23.06

A large silver dish with a silver cover. The theme from “Seinfeld” plays in the background. Lights up. The cover is removed.

A middle aged comedian looks on with fear. Screams.

The sound of dozens of hungry turkeys licking their lips. A giant fork and knife descend over the dish. Lights out.

Lights up. The comedian, dressed as a stereotypical “Indian” (complete with a single feather and war paint) does a fake rain dance. Interrupting the proceedings, a turkey dressed as a pilgrim enters and blows the Indian away with a musket. Lights out.

“Over the river and through the woods” begins to play. The comedian enters with a “family.” They “drive their car” to “grandmother’s house.” A veil is lifted, revealing a map of America, each state or region being held up by a non-descript person. The states/regions do a dance with the comedian and his “family” as they drive through America. After the comedian passes each state/region, the respective non-descript person begins to cough, gag, weeze, vomit and choke to death. The comedian and “family” hop over the dead bodies unaware that anything really awful has happened, until the comedian trips on one of them.

CURTAIN CALL
All the performers stand in a row, blow one big kiss to the audience and shout (in the manner of a 1st grade classroom)

PERFORMERS
THANK YOU VERY VERY MUCH!

75

11.22.06

IN THE ASPHODEL MEADOWS. A CHORUS plays and modulates continuously. A CHORUS hums along.

CHORUS
TODAY IS EVERYDAY-AND EVERY DAY IS HELL
THE SAME
The same thing is everything is everything the same?
The same damn thing is everything the same?
The same old same old same old same
The same game of same game
The same is the same
WOE ARE WE - THE RADIO IS PLAYING AVRIL LAVIGNE!
I’m sad but rebellious and spunky!
WE ACOMPLISHED NOTHING IN LIFE AND SO WE REAP NO FRUIT IN DEATH
WE ARE MADE TO SUFFER FOR OUR LACK OF SINS
SINSATIONLESS
WE HAVE NOT VOTED AND THUS
WOE ARE WE!
WE ARE RULED BY A TYRANT WE DID NOT ELECT
WOE ARE WE!
HERE COMES HE NOW, THE EMPEROR OF MAN!

Enter EMPEROR.

CHORUS
HAIL GLORIOUS SONY! EMPEROR OF OUR HEARTS AND MINDS!

EMPEROR
Sales are down! Your tributes are waning!

CHORUS
EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE WE CANNOT BE FREE OF HIS COMMAND!

EMPEROR
I will have a mosaic of platinum records on my wall!

CHORUS
HIS MOTIVATIONS ARE QUESTIONABLE!

EMPEROR
I AM UNQUESTIONABLE!

The CHORUS cowers.

CHORUS
OUR PROTESTS GO UNHEARD IN THE ASPHODEL MEADOWS
Why didn’t we say something when we had the chance?!
WILL NO ONE RESCUE US FROM AN ETERNITY OF BOREDOM?

1st CHORUS
I will speak!

EMPEROR
So you will go unheard!

The EMPEROR steals 1st CHORUS’ voice.

CHORUS
HER VOICE IS STOLEN! WE HEAR HER BUT WE CANNOT LISTEN!
Why did none of us care?
WILL NO ONE TEACH US TO STAND FOR SOMETHING?

2nd CHORUS
I will stand!

EMPEROR
You will sit!

The EMPEROR makes the entire CHORUS sit, save REVOLUTIONARY, who stands defiant. The REVOLUTIONARY speaks with a thousand voices.

REVOLUTIONARY
I WILL NEVER BEND TO YOUR WILL NEVERENDING
IN LIFE I WAS A SLOTH IN DEATH I AM A FAST MOVING THING
IN LIFE I WAS A SLOTH IN DEATH I AM A FAST MOVING THING
IN LIFE IN LIFE DEATH
IN LIFE IN LIFE DEATH
IN LIFE I WAS A GOTH IN DEATH I AM A KING!

EMPEROR
Demon spawn!

REVOLUTIONARY
HIGH-WAY TO HELL!

CHORUS
A HERO EMERGES!


REVOLUTIONARY
Fahfahfah fah fah fahfahfah fah fah

EMPEROR
Loud nonsense!

CHORUS
FAHFAHFAH FAH FAH FAHFAHFAH FAH FAH YOUBETTA…

EMPEROR
The rebellion spreads!

REVOLUTIONARY
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death/
I take a look at my life and realize there’s nothing left!

CHORUS
COOLIO!
COOLIO!
Coo! Lee!
OOHHH!

EMPEROR
There is but one thing I can do to maintain my empire!
Sign with me today, and you will rule the Asphodel Plains tomorrow!

REVOLUTIONARY
That’ll be the day-ay-ay…when I die!

EMPEROR
I will make you last for ever! A legend! A hero of the greatest myths!

CHORUS
WE WORSHIP YOU!

REVOLUTIONARY
Very superstitious…

EMPEROR
Writing’s on the wall…

REVOLUTIONARY
Very superstitious!

CHORUS
DO ALL THAT YOU CAN!
EMPEROR
I can spread your message and give you new life!

REVOLUTIONARY
‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky…

EMPEROR
I can make you live forever!

A GASP from the CHORUS.

REVOLUTIONARY
Alright, where do I sign?

EMPEROR
On the dotted line.

REVOLUTIONARY
On the dotted line?

EMPEROR
On the dotted line.

CHORUS
ON THE DOTTED LINE
DON’T YOU EVER SIGN
ON THE DOTTED LINE!

The REVOLUTIONARY signs, sings.

REVOLUTIONARY
HEY! HO! LEMME HEAR YOU SAY HEY! HO!

CHORUS
Dude, whatever.

REVOLUTIONARY
DON’T PASS ME BY…

CHORUS
God, I am so sick of hearing that.
WE KNOW, LIKE, TOTALLY!

The CHORUS exits bored and chatty. The EMPEROR tears up the contract. The REVOLUTIONARY grows fat and old, eventually playing a bit part on some crappy reality show.

74

11.21.06

A MAD SCIENTIST LAB. Over an intercom we hear:

[ONE EGG McMUFFIN]

MAD SCIENTIST
EGG McMUFFIN!

The MAD SCIENTIST brews and bubbles, shocks and jolts, and mixes different colored dry ice concoctions together. In a stunning finale, the MAD SCIENTIST produces:

MAD SCIENTIST
ONE EGG McMUFFIN!

and sends the McMuffin away in a pneumatic tube.
Over the intercom we hear:

[ONE GRANDE WHITE CHOCOLATE MOCHA]

MAD SCIENTIST
GRANDE WHITE CHOCOLATE MOCHA!

The MAD SCIENTIST goes to work again.

MAD SCIENTIST
ONE GRANDE WHITE CHOCOLATE MOCHA!

Over the intercom we hear:

[ONE CEASAR SALAD ONE CHALUPA]

MAD SCIENTIST
CEASAR SALAD! CHALUPA!

The MAD SCIENTIST doubles the pace.

MAD SCIENTIST
ONE CEASAR SALAD!

The MAD SCIENTIST becomes frenetic.

MAD SCIENTIST
ONE CHALUPA!

Over the intercom we hear:

[SIX VENTI SOY LATTES HOLD THE WHIP ON TWO EXTRA WHIP ON ONE, SEVEN BLUEBERRY MUFFINS TWO NONFAT THREE LOWFAT TWO REGULAR, THREE SMALL FRIES, THREE LARGE FRIES, TWO MEDIUM CURLY FRIES, 1 ORDER BUFFALO WINGS, ONE MCMUFFIN, THREE CHALUPAS ONE HOLD THE CREAM ONE EXTRA CREAM, SEVENTEEN LARGE COKES EIGHT DIET TWO CAFFEINE FREE THREE CAFFEINE FREE DIET, TEN WHOPPERS TWO HOLD THE CHEESE EIGHT WITH EVERYTHING, FOUR MEATBALL SANDWICHES AND A LOWFAT TURKEY SLIM WITH EXTRA AFALFA SPROUTS]

After a moment of bewilderment, the MAD SCIENTIST grabs an empty Tupperware container. The MAD SCIENTIST opens the container, farts in it and closes the container as quickly as possible.

MAD SCIENTIST
SIX VENTI SOY LATTES HOLD THE WHIP ON TWO EXTRA WHIP ON ONE, SEVEN BLUEBERRY MUFFINS TWO NONFAT THREE LOWFAT TWO REGULAR, THREE SMALL FRIES, THREE LARGE FRIES, TWO MEDIUM CURLY FRIES, 1 ORDER BUFFALO WINGS, ONE MCMUFFIN, THREE CHALUPAS ONE HOLD THE CREAM ONE EXTRA CREAM, SEVENTEEN LARGE COKES EIGHT DIET TWO CAFFEINE FREE THREE CAFFEINE FREE DIET, TEN WHOPPERS TWO HOLD THE CHEESE EIGHT WITH EVERYTHING, FOUR MEATBALL SANDWICHES AND A LOWFAT TURKEY SLIM WITH EXTRA AFALFA SPROUTS!

73 - The MAN, at leisure

11.20.06

An OLD MAN, with PIPE, sitting in a chair with a nice book.

OLD MAN
Oh, why hello there. Didn’t notice you come down to the old reading room. Would you like a cup of coffee? No? well alright then.
Settling down in front of my Dickens here. Silly lily-livered chap he was. Good stories though. They keep these old peepers sliding from left to right. Or right to left if you’re observing. In any case, I’m still stuck on page fifty-two. Haven’t gotten very far in the Samuel Clemens yet either. Ho hum. Se la vie.
You’re looking rather young and spry these days. Got a job yet have you? Every time I see you it seems as though you’re in some education institution or some such. Graduated yet? Oh well, no pressure. No need to be Atlas yet, you know.
The grandbabies are doing well, thanks for asking. Growing up a bit too fast, you ask me. They seem to want all the benefits without any of the responsibility. The (good) news to report is that the oldest is having a little one of their own. That is correct sir, you’re looking at a future great grandfather, heh heh. Looks like I’ve been rather fruitful and multiplied quite a bit. You might say I have manufactured some successful semen, yessir.
Business is great for me. We recently released a new album and launched a publicity tour for one of our youngest talents. Her recordings are rather close to Britney Spears, but then again everything sounds like old BS these days, am I right? BS has revolutionized the industry in her own way. Now everyone aspires to become BS. But hey, a sold out sound is a sold out sound, ey chap? Paid for this here mahogany pipe, leather throne and first edition Dickens. Paid for the mighty sperm as well…
Yessir, things are strolling right along...
…
Well, if you don’t mind, I’ll get back to page fifty-two. Still feeling a little stuck right now, haven’t quite gotten outside of the best of times yet. Good to see you though. Cheerio old chap!