69 - Holy Coronation

11.16.06

A THRONE. The sound of SOUSA FANFARE. A crowd roars. Guards march in followed by UNCLE SAM holding a crown. An AUDIENCE MEMBER, previously selected, is escorted in, and seated on the throne, over which UNCLE SAM holds the crown. An old timey radio announcer:

ANNOUNCER
PRESENTING FOR TODAY AND TODAY ONLY, PLUCKED FROM YOU, THE COMMON PEOPLE, CHOSEN BY FATE AND BLESSED BY DESTINY, WE BRING YOU THE CORONATION OF THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE indefatigable MONARCH OF MANIFEST DESTINY, YOUR BRAND NEW (QUEEN/KING) OF AMERICA!

Rapturous applause. UNCLE SAM SPEAKS.

UNCLE SAM
Today, on this most glorious of days, the church of America has guided its favor upon one of its many children. And lo, these many years, such a hopeful moment has yet to cross my weary eyes as this, most happy of coronations. So will I say to you, our new divine leader, show us the way to glory, and we will glorify you for all days.

SOUSA REQUIEM as the AUDIENCE MEMBER is cleansed and robed in banners. UNCLE SAM walks the crown to face four directions, murmuring a holy benediction. Finally, the AUDIENCE MEMBER is prepared, and kneels at the feet of UNCLE SAM.

UNCLE SAM
Do you swear to rule with decency, to combat corruption and to govern with intent?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
I do.

UNCLE SAM
And do you, the people of AMERICA honor this coronation with your assent?

AUDIENCE (hopefully)
We do.

UNCLE SAM
Then repeat after me:
I, the citizen of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, Do recognize the gilded age that is to come, And with full knowledge of the silver ages that have come to pass, Ask that this mortal before me accept this CROWN, As a token of the godliness from which they shall rule, And gratefully look forward to the fairness and balance which is to come. Amen.

GUARDS
Hear ye hear ye, we have heard the people speak!

UNCLE SAM
So then the church of AMERICA crowns it’s new (KING/QUEEN)!

UNCLE SAM silently lowers the crown atop the AUDIENCE MEMBER’S head. In an instant: confetti flies, balloons fall, a SOUSA ovation blares, the crowd roars, and the guards fire rounds into the air. If the AUDIENCE MEMBER wishes to speak, then they should be allowed to do so. After the celebrations are complete, the ritual is either abandoned as if it were nothing, or a glorious exit is made at once.

68

11.15.06

Showing off new tattoos

ROSE
That’s nice, what made you decide to get it on your hip?

FROG
Easy to hide, fun to show I guess. I don’t know what I was thinking.

HEART
You don’t like it anymore?

FROG
No, I love it, it’s just, you know, permanent.

HEART
Isn’t that the point?

FROG
Yeah, but I was drunk when I got it. That wasn’t so permanent.

ROSE
Ok, my turn.

HEART
Oooh…Pretty…Rose…

FROG
Needs more color.

ROSE
Color comes next, when I get more money.

HEART
Looks expensive…

ROSE
Does that really matter?

FROG
Did it hurt there?

ROSE
Not really. Well, yeah, but you know, not like particularly painful.

FROG
Not like the hip…what was I thinking?

HEART
I like it!

ROSE
Mine?

HEART
Yours too. But yours is my favorite of the two.

FROG
Thanks, what about you?

ROSE
Yeah, where is it hiding?

FROG
Come out come out wherever you are!

HEART
Hey, stop!

FROG
Is it over here? No... Is it over here?

ROSE
I bet you its…

FROG
Hey, where is it?

ROSE
You didn’t get one!

HEART
Yeah, I did!

ROSE
Bullshit, let’s see it!

FROG
We made a pact! We were going to do this together! You convinced us! I wouldn’t have done this otherwise, where’s your tattoo?

HEART
I got two actually.

ROSE
Oh yeah, one for each butt cheek?

HEART
One for each of you.

FROG
Well then let’s see it then, then we’ll believe it.

HEART
I got one of a frog right here, and one of a rose on your belly.

An exchange of glances.

FROG
No, really, where is your tattoo?

67

11.14.06

OLD GUITAR
Welcome to the big lonely. Population one. That’s a song I wrote for you once, before you got here. When I was the mayor.

Let’s just, why don’t we leave it at that for now?

66

11.13.06

With bottle in hand. After taking a seat with great difficulty.

I don’t know what you’re talking about
I’m perfectly fine
I don’t want to go to school
I know what I’m doing I know what I can handle
Thirsty is all
What did you say
I HEARD THAT
Santa clause DOES NOT exist
I’ve been lied to my entire life
Oh well
I’m hungry
I feel like the champion of the world in a movie about winning the world
I got the new album
I bought it at the mall
With my own money
Got the dvd too
Bought that at the mall with my own money
That I earned
I have a crush
Ugh
I don’t feel so good
Ugh
I am not requited
Ugh
I am not so hungry anymore
Wait
Wait wait wait
No
Ok I feel fine now
I feel better
I’m in love
No I’m not
I’m not better
Crap
…
I just threw up a little
Damn I have such a headache
I don’t want to go to work
I think I’m sobering up a little
I know what love is
The world is much older than me
I probably shouldn’t have stolen this bottle
It’s a bit late for that now
Now I’ve got the blues
By that I mean I understand the blues
I now understand the blues
But I’ll never be able to sing them
I don’t have that bad of a headache anymore
Can see a bit more clearly
Especially behind me
This booze acts a bit too fast for my tastes
I don’t suppose there is much I can do about that
God I was such a cow a minute ago
I mean I was a real sheep
Baaa
Mooo
I’m being serious here
Seriously
Moo
When you’re young you are drunk in the world
Then you sober up
What was I saying?
I forgot
Damn I’m getting so forgetful lately
I’m tired
Too tired
I don’t want to go to bed yet
I’m sick of feeling this way
I think I’ll just stop for now.

65

11.12.06
Total darkness/silence. The audience awaits the play for enough time that their eyes adjust and they almost become uncomfortable. Light tinkery music. The performers enter the space quietly and begin to whisper to one another, audible to the audience.

11111
Sad. So sad.

22222
Tragic. Terribly tragic.

33333
Lost. Completely lost.

11111
Scared. Very scared.

22222
Worried. Truly worried.

33333
Afraid. Absolutely afraid.

A LOUD POP. Silence again. Again whispers.

11111
What was that?

22222
Did you hear something?

33333
What did you think that was?

11111
Mind playing tricks…

22222
Sounded like a pop…

33333
I don’t know what that was…

SILENCE.

11111
Do you think we’ll hear it again?

22222
Would you want to hear it again?

33333
It scared me the first time.

11111
You were already scared…

22222
Frightened, really. We were all frightened.

33333
I don’t want to hear it again.

SILENCE.

11111
Maybe it was nothing.

22222
Just a shot in the dark.

33333
Maybe it was the first step.

11111
The first step?

22222
To what?

33333
To the end of the world.

11111
Nonsense.

22222
What would make you say such a thing?

33333
It’s bound to happen sooner or later.

11111
I have a feeling it would be much larger-

ANOTHER LOUD POP, THIS ONE LOUDER.

22222
I’m scared!

33333
Step two…

11111
Be quiet!

A POP WITH ECHOES.

22222
Shhh….

33333
Shhh….

11111
What is that noise?

22222
I want to get out of here.

33333
Shhh….

11111
You shh, I want to know what that was!

22222
A big pop!

33333
The end of the world, when the music stops…

11111
The music has never stopped before.

22222
Yeah, the music has never stopped before.

33333
Always a first time for everything.

SILENCE.

33333
Including the end of the world,

SILENCE. The cessation of whispers.

11111
You aren’t going to scare me!

22222
I’m scared! I’m definitely scared!

33333
Nothing we can do about it, it’ll happen sooner or later.

11111
You aren’t going to turn my crank or yank my tale! I’m not scared!

33333
Never said you should be!

22222
Well you’re scaring me!

11111
Knock it off!

33333
There’s nothing I can do about it! The end is near!

22222
It’s not true! It’s not true!

11111
It can’t be true-

THE LARGEST OF POPS, followed by a blinding white light and happy child’s laugh. 11111, 22222, and 33333 are dressed in weasel outfits. They reach to the sky and bobble up and down.

64

11.11.06

A FIGURE with a can of diet cola.

FIGURE
After I finish this delicious beverage, all of the world’s problems will come to an end!

The FIGURE shotguns the can of diet cola, belches, smiles.

63

11.10.06

A RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER is selected.

A FIGURE in a NICE SUIT and WHITE COTTON GLOVES enters, producing and carefully unfolding a nice piece of paper, which he or she reads aloud while standing behind the seated AUDIENCE MEMBER.

FIGURE
The contents of [AUDIENCE MEMBER’S] mind to date. Abridged.
I’m cold. I’m scared. I’m screaming. Why? Why? Why? I’m hungry. Feed me. I’m sleepy. Don’t pick me up. I’m hungry. I’m uncomfortable. Why? Everything irritates me. Who are these people always smiling at me? I like these people. Feed me. Why? I’m scared. I’m hungry. I can stand. I can walk. I can talk. Why? I’m sleepy. Feed me. I now understand humiliation. Why? I can read. I am attracted to that person. Why? I am attracted to that other person. Why not? I can run. I like hugs. I can paint using my fingers. I can draw with a pencil. Feed me. I can draw with a pen. Why? Bugs are gross, but oddly appealing. Worms live under the ground. I can write in cursive. I will die some day. Why? Worms will eat me after I am dead. Why? Sex. Toys no longer give me the same solace they used to. I like music. Sex. Some day everyone and everything I know will die. I am sad. Why? Sex. I am in love with that person. Sex. Feed me. Sex. That person broke my heart. Sex. Why? Sex. The world is an enormous place. Nature is cruel. Nature is inherently good. The universe is larger than I can possible comprehend. Sex. Math is an infinite abstract. I am in love with that other person. That person is in love with me. Why? Sex. Feed me. Friends are lovers that I am not physically attracted to. Sex. Friends are lovers who I do not have physical relations with. Work is not as fun as free time. Work is more fun than I had expected. I can always improve. Sex. I am a failure. Feed me. I am glum. Sex. Sex. Sex. I feel better about myself every day. Sex. The world is inherently good. Sex. Art is wonderful. Sex. I enjoy all different kinds of art. Sex. Feed me. I feel like going to a play. Sex. That play moved me in some way. Why? I will go to other plays. Some plays do not move me as much. Why? I will go to a play tonight. I am at a play. This does not seem like any play I have been to. I hope I am asked to participate. Why is this person reading from this sheet of paper? Why are they wearing white gloves? Do they really think that they are reading my mind? These statements are rather general. They could happen to anybody. Sex. This person is saying things that were in the back of my mind. How did they know that? Sex. I’m bored. Sex. I hope this is over soon. … Is it over? …no, damn it isn’t… Is it done now? … Sex….shit.

The FIGURE in a NICE SUIT and WHITE COTTON GLOVES carefully folds the piece of paper and hands it to the AUDIENCE MEMBER. The paper is blank. The FIGURE begins to applaud the AUDIENCE MEMBER for their bravery.

62 - Red or Blue...

11.9.06

ONE behind a desk. The OTHER with a ledger.

ONE
Dignity?

OTHER
Yup.

ONE
Honor?

OTHER
Oh yeah.

ONE
Wisdom?

OTHER
Yup.

ONE
Goodness?

OTHER
You better believe it.

ONE
Ok. What else?

OTHER
Not much. Do you have any ideas?

ONE
What about a sense of history?

OTHER
Umm…mmhmm, yeah.

ONE
Really?

OTHER
Yup.

ONE
All of it?

OTHER
Yeah, yes. All of it.

ONE
What about our myths?

OTHER
Well, we haven’t sold those yet, but they’re mostly on lease or rented out.

ONE
No…

OTHER
Yes, its true. Lets see…Freedom and Equality went to McDonalds, Manifest Destiny went to the war effort and The West myth went to Disney, presumably for a happy cartoon of some kind. Oh and we loaned democracy to cable news.

ONE
Damn. What else do we have left?

OTHER
Well, our borders seem like a hot ticket item right now. We could probably sell that local and get a pretty penny. State borders too, I bet we could find a way to generate some revenue there. Oh, and we still have our monuments. We could sell those.

ONE
True. Maybe real estate development. Look into that.

OTHER
Done and done.

ONE
Well shoot. I can’t really think of anything else of value that we haven’t sold out.

OTHER
Well, there is one other thing we could start selling. It’s a renewable resource too.

ONE
I thought we already got rid of the trees.

OTHER
I was talking about people.

ONE
What people?

OTHER
Our people.

ONE
Really? Isn’t that illegal?

OTHER
No, well, it depends. Slavery is illegal, yes.

ONE
So we can’t sell people.

OTHER
But what if we redefined slave? You know, to fit the times. In light of national interests.

ONE
I don’t know if I could be okay with that.

OTHER
There are three hundred million of them. At five bucks a head…

ONE
Whoa. Hadn’t thought of that. Okay. Let’s find a buyer. But not at once, we could probably find a way to inflate the cost once we start running low.

OTHER
Good thinking.

ONE
That’s why I’m sitting behind the desk, you know.

OTHER
True. True.

ONE
Oh! We could sell the desk!

OTHER
Anything else?

ONE
What about the American Dream?

61

11.8.06

Swimming.

FLOAT
Hey, Bob.

BOB
Hey, float.

FLOAT
Howya doin’?

BOB
Fine. Well. I’m good. You?

FLOAT
Staying afloat.

BOB
Good one.

FLOAT
A little hungry though…

BOB
Yeah, me too. I’m always hungry.

FLOAT
Tell me about it.

BOB
What are you in the mood for?

FLOAT
Fish. You?

BOB
Same.

FLOAT
Or maybe some bugs…

BOB
Bugs are good.

A shadow descends on the pair.

FLOAT
Got dark all the sudden.

BOB
That it did. Cloud maybe?

FLOAT
Peaceful cloud…

BOB
Happy cloud…

FLOAT
Happy day…

BOB
Peaceful day…

FLOAT
This is the good life…

BOB
Yes it is, Float. Yes it certainly is.

A GIANT HOOK with WORM descends.

BOB
Whoa! What is that?

FLOAT
I don’t know! It isn’t moving…

BOB
It doesn’t look like it belongs here…

FLOAT
You should taste it.

BOB
What? No…

FLOAT
Go taste it. See what it is.

BOB
I don’t think I should go anywhere near that thing.

FLOAT
What if it’s food?

BOB
It doesn’t look like food…

FLOAT
How do you know…?

BOB
…I’m not tasting it.

FLOAT
Tuna.

BOB
What did you call me?

FLOAT
A big dumb tuna. Afraid of a little food.

BOB
You’re so brave, why don’t you taste it?

FLOAT
I will if you will.

BOB
Yeah?

FLOAT
But only if you go first.

BOB
No, no way. You first.

FLOAT
FINE! Watch and learn, chump.

FLOAT takes a quick nibble of the WORM.

FLOAT
MMMmmmm. Tastes different. A little waterlogged, but it tastes good!

BOB
You’re lying.

FLOAT
I am not.

BOB
You didn’t really take a bite.

FLOAT
You just saw me.

BOB
Do it again…

FLOAT
No! It’s your turn.

BOB
It tastes so good, do it again.

FLOAT
Alright, alright, but if you don’t take a bite next you have to admit to being a tuna.

BOB
Don’t call me that. Take your stupid real bite.

A MOMENT. FLOAT reluctantly takes a second bite.

FLOAT
Even better the second time.

BOB
Really?

FLOAT
Go for it!

BOB
Mokay!

BOB takes a bite of the WORM. SCREAMS, BUZZERS AND RED LIGHTS! FLOAT swims away. BOB IS DOOMED!

60

11.7.06

A LARGE RUBE GOLBERG DEVICE is onstage. A and B stand near it. A gets down on one knee.

A
Whaddaya say? Do you love me?

B
Hang on one sec.

B somehow activates the LARGE RUBE GOLBERG DEVICE. Many bells and whistles are poked, prodded and overturned over the course of quite some time. Some of the elements of the device include any number of the following:

BARBIE DOLLS

VALENTINES

A LARGE INFLATABLE BALL

WATER BALOONS

A JAR OF BUTTERFLIES

AN AUTOMATED MARIACHI BAND THAT PLAYS A SONG OF LOVE AND HAPPINESS

A STRING WITH A CANDLE BENEATH IT

LOTS OF CRISPY SOUNDS (E.G. MARBLES ROLLING AROUND A WOODEN BOX, ETC.)

FLOWERS

PANCAKES THAT FLIP THEMSELVES

THE STUFF OF YOUR WILDEST IMAGINATION.

Eventually, the LARGE RUBE GOLBERG DEVICE winds down to its last stop; a kitschy dispenser of a tiny piece of paper, which B procures after the device has stopped. B reads the paper.

B
Nope, sorry.

OR

I guess…

59 - It begins...

11.6.06

AESCHYLUS in mask.

AESCHYLUS
I, AESCHYLUS, COPYWRIGHT TRAGEDY.

Perhaps AESCHYLUS gives everyone the finger.
AESCHYLUS exits.