44 I Believe In Wundyland

10.22.06

Lights on DINKY DOG scratching, as the WUNDYLAND theme song, a dreamy children's anthem plays:

WUNDYLAND THEME
I BELIEVE IN WUNDYLAND
WHERE SMILES ARE FREE AND FUN IS GRAND
FROM OCEAN WAVES TO DESERT SAND
THE WHOLE WORLD SHOULD BE WUNDYLAND!

DINKY DOG
CRABS! CRABS! I GOT CRABS! (itches) Gah! (itches) ih! (itches) bwaaaaaa!
Do you want to know why I got crabs? Because my coworkers, colleagues and fellow citizens of Wundyland are all sex maniacs and pree-verts! That's why. Wundyland laundry policy requires us to have our undergarments washed communally in the Wundyland Washing Wigwam, so somebody's filthy pubic bugs leapt from their rotten tighty-whiteys and avoided drowning in Dinky Dog Detergent by nesting in my unmentionables! (itches) Eeeeeeeerrreeee (itches) ew ew ew ew ew ew ewwwwwww!
But do I say a word? Do I break character? Never. Not while wearing the uniform. Not while “on stage.” I am Dinky Dog. Only here, in the confines of the Wundyland break room, do I say a word. Because the uniform is sacred. When you're inside it, it's like you're walking around wearing a bright fuzzy church. I even took an oath when I became a citizen of Wundyland. It’s tattooed on my brain.

Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV as they recite the oath.

DINKY DOG & WARREN WUNDY IV
I pledge my adherence to the mascot and to the Entertainment Corporation which it represents, WundyWorld, under Dinky Dog, providing limitless jubilation for all.

WARREN WUNDY IV
It still brings a tear to my eye…

Lights out on WARREN WUNDY IV.

DINKY DOG
You can’t complain about anything when in character. The sweat, the heat, the smelly kids and their smelly parents….the crabs, the vow of silence, hearing that same theme song over and over again…it all comes with being a citizen of Wundyland. You knew what you were getting in to when you took the oath in the first place. But you did it anyway, because you love Wundyland and everything it represents.

Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV, eerily well combed with circle framed glasses. Lights out on DINKY DOG.

WARREN WUNDY IV
Wundyland means more than free smiles and limitless jubilation. It represents part of a global economy. Since my grandfather WARREN WUNDY jr. first started the company, WundyWorld corporation has outposts Europe, Asia, the middle east and soon on an offshore oil rig in the south pacific. Not to mention a one hundred billion dollar media outlet, including some of the most memorable animated films of all time. If you were ever a child, odds are WundyWorld corporation has had some hand in the sculpting of your impressionable young mind. And we’re damn proud of it.

Lights out on WARREN WUNDY IV. Lights on A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD, wearing “Dinky Ears.”

A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD
DINKY DOG IS THE COOLEST LIVING THING THAT EVER LIVED! MY favorite Wundy movie is “DOGPUNZEL” where Dinky Dog grows long enough ears that people can come and go from the tower by climbing up there, oh my gosh that would be so cool to do and I could even get to know Dinky Dog if I climbed up because where would Dinky go I mean its not like you can climb down your own ears can you so I would be able to have Dinky all to myself. DINKY DOG FOR PRESIDENT!

Lights out on A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD. Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV.

WARREN WUNDY IV
There are some who question our fervent distribution of products containing high fructose corn syrup to minors who enjoy our parks. I say the more sugared up they are the more fun they have while they’re there. More bang for their buck. Even if they are in the parks from the opening parade to the closing fireworks, they are still paying more than a dollar a minute for their stay in the park. Taxes included of course.

Lights on DINKY DOG.

DINKY DOG
But the park is so much more than a money-grubbing entertainment venture. It’s a way of life. All my friends quote Wundy movies all the time. My license plates read “D1NKYDG” and my car is twenty pounds heavier with bumper stickers featuring characters from Wundy cartoons. I sleep in pajamas covered in little profiles of Lonny the Loon. I work here, year round, six days a week, even though I could have had a law degree from Case Western. I turned them down. I’m not even kidding, I could be making 200k a year, easy, but I decided I would make a run for WundyWorld, and don the suit. Best decision I ever made.

After a pause that reinforces the potential foolishness of such a decision, lights out on DINKY DOG and up on WARREN WUNDY IV.

WARREN WUNDY IV
WundyWorld corporation relies on what we call the “True Believers” in the Wundy oath. For some (presumably good) reason many people are willing to dedicate their lives to my grandfather’s vision. They are the cast members and die hard fans who never give up on their Wundyful dreams of entertainment and imagination. Sadly, it seems the flow of such followers has begun to dry up. Apathy, cynicism and counterculturalism have begun to invade the youth of today, and have weakened the economy of young minds that shaped my grandfather’s vision of the future, as stated in the WundyWorld corporation mission statement: One World, WundyWorld.

Lights out on WARREN WUNDY IV. Lights on VAGUELY DISAFFECTED TEENAGER, who was once A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD.

VAGUELY DISAFFECTED TEENAGER
Whatever, man. Who cares about Wundy? What about, like, the fact that…whatever.

Lights out on VAGUELY DISAFFECTED TEENAGER. Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV and DINKY DOG, who performs a silly dance that becomes increasingly frantic, until the weight of the WundyWorld rests solely on fuzzy shoulders.

WARREN WUNDY IV
Personally, I feel the blame rests squarely on my predecessor’s leadership. Warren Wundy III didn’t truly believe in the bullet points that made this company and this dream so great. My father laid out all of these cockamamie outreach organizations dedicated to helping medical care reach the developing world. HELLO? They can’t afford to go to our parks. I know that sounds cruel, but WundyWorld is a business, not a non for profit. Although god knows we’ve tried… We’re confident that the next generational crop will turn up a whole new batch of “True Believers” in the WundyWorld dream. We’ve stepped up our ad campaign targeted at infants aged six weeks to eighteen months. We’ve diversified into various pharmaceuticals, textiles and home construction affiliates as a means to infiltrate different aspects of daily life to spread the good word. Our analysts predicted that the Latino population would be the fastest growing in the U.S., so ten years ago we ramped up our Spanish language media programming.

DINKY DOG
¡Queremos ir a Wundyland!

DINKY DOG collapses under the weight.

WARREN WUNDY IV
Of course, we’ve experienced a bit of blowback as a result…

Lights up on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER, played by VAGUELY DISENFRANCHISED TEEN.

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
WARREN WUNDY IS A FASCIST AUTOCRAT!

Lights out on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER.

WARREN WUNDY IV
Of course, we’ve all heard these complaints before, and there is clearly no merit to their case. First of all, my great grandfather was not involved in any sort of cult. He didn’t even raise grampa Wundy jr. And as for this ballyhoo regarding a “Wundy nation” that just isn’t the case. We are simply an organization that owns a large amount of acreage around the world, and we set up a “government” of our own to simplify the process of keeping our employees involved. The Wundyland theme parks were never meant to be a democracy. We only call our employees “citizens” as an act of team building branding…

DINKY DOG
Wait, what?

Lights out on WARREN WUNDY IV and DINKY DOG. Lights on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER.

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
WundyWorld was founded by protonazis and wealthy supporters of the K.K.K.! Warren Wundy jr. was actually the son of grand dragon Warren Wundy, who was actually the first to draw up plans to build a “utopian society” without minorities! He even started his own cult, called Wundyism, so that the people who lived in his isolated little world would only worship him! Wundy jr. just converted the whole thing into a business! The cartoons brainwash innocent children! The theme parks are the capitals of Wundy’s growing empire! The “citizens” of Wundyland are no more than cheap slave labor, whose minds have been exploited since childhood to grow a generation of loyal followers to Wundy’s tyrannical vision! Boycott Wundy! Boycott Wundy now! Boycott Wundy forever!

Lights out on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER. Lights on DINKY DOG, exhausted.

DINKY DOG
Warren Wundy never told me to become devoted to WundyWorld. Neither did the hundreds of thousands of members of the WundyClub, or all the citizens of Wundyland. We did it ourselves. We were raised on Wundy movies and cartoons. We all believe in the dream of free smiles for everyone and limitless jubilation for all. We wanted to see all the movies. We wanted to be a part of WundyWorld. Because it’s a part of us. Some of our earliest happy childhood memories come from WundyWorld. I know I don’t want to imagine what my life would be like without Wundy.

Lights on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
They take all their love and devotion and channel it into consumerism and labor.

DINKY DOG
I’m living my dream! I get to live in Wundyland!

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
Pretty soon there will be a whole generation of kids raised to believe that happiness can only be bought, and they’ll be hooked on Wundy media like cartoon crack addicts!

Lights on WARREN WUNDY IV.

WARREN WUNDY IV
All we’re doing is presenting family friendly content that reaches a global audience.

DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER
They’re pushing content to sell merchandise! They’re hooking your kids on their media!

DINKY DOG
I believe in Wundyland!

WARREN WUNDY IV
We aren’t worried about this latest wave of protests. These things tend to be rather cyclical anyway. We’re confident that a new generation of consumers will come rolling around before things get too bad.

Lights out on DISGRUNTLED WUNDYWORLD PROTESTER.

DINKY DOG
I believe in Wundyland!

WARREN WUNDY IV
I assure you, you’re children are safe with us.

DINKY DOG
I believe in Wundyland!

WARREN WUNDY IV
It’s a Wundyful place to be. Especially if you believe in Wundyland.

Lights on A SMALL IMPRESSIONABLE CHILD,

ALL
I Believe in Wundyland!

The WUNDYLAND Theme Song plays as the light fades.

43 - BODIES BODIES BODIES BODIES BODIES BODIES BODIES

10.21.06
WAGNER MUSIC BLASTS AT AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD LEVEL. BOMB BLASTS AND BARBED WIRE. DIRT AND BLOOD EVERYWHERE. A SICK DAWN RISES, REVEALING MORE DEAD BODIES THAN MANY WOULD FIND TASTEFUL. TRENCHES. SOME ARE SOLDIERS, SOME CIVILIANS. SLOWLY, WOUNDED PEOPLE CRAWL THEIR WAY ACROSS THE STAGE/BATTLEFIELD AND OUT OF THE TRENCHES. THEY LEAVE THICK TRAILS OF BLOOD AND ENTRAILS. OCCASIONNALLY PEOPLE SPRINT ACROSS. SOME OF THEM ARE STOPPED COLD IN THEIR TRACKS. OTHERS MAKE IT THROUGH. EVENTUALLY NO ONE MAKES IT ALL THE WAY ACROSS. AS THE WAGNER MUSIC SWELLS, TOURISTS FILTER IN AND TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS. HORRID FLASHBULBS. HORRID CLOTHING. SO MANY FANNY PACKS! THEY POSE WITH THE DEAD. THEY MOCK THE WOUNDED. THEY LAUGH AND MAKE JOKES WITH THEIR MOUTHS FULL. EVENTUALLY THEY ALL GROW BORED AND MOVE ON. AS THE WAGNER MUSIC DRAWS TO A CLOSE, TWO SHLUBS ENTER. RIGHT AFTER THE BIG CLIMACTIC ENDING, ONE OF THEM SPEAKS:

SHLUB ONE
(Dern, I knew I shoulda watered them dandelions.)
OR
(Dern, I knew I shoulda turned the gas off ‘afore I left home)
OR
(Herrrrm, smells like victory.)
OR
(Dern. I knew I shoulda voted fer the other guy.)
OR
(Fuckin’ Wagner

SHLUB TWO
Yeah, fuckin’ Wagner)

42 Mule Variation

10.20.06

A slideshow presentation at Barnyard Animal School.

*SLIDE*

MULE
Hello.
I ab a bule.
By parents were a workhorse and a jackass.
Apparently this beans I’b sterile.
I don’t know what this beans. Sobthing about babies.

*SLIDE*

MULE
I like to load things on by back sobtibes.
This is a picture of be with sob hay on by back.
Yeah, it’s pretty heavy…

*SLIDE*

MULE
This one is of be with by friends Farber Billy and Farber Billy.
Farber Billy is really nice all the tibe.
Farber Billy can get bean sobtibes, but for the bost part, he’s pretty nice.
In this picture we’re on our way to the slaughterhouse.
(Don’t worry, it wasn’t be they were slaughtering. I’m still alive.)

*SLIDE*

MULE
This is a picture of by bob’s fabily.
They’re all horsies.

*SLIDE*

MULE
OH! This is a good one!
This is be and by dad in front of Eor at Disneyland.
We were part of the pedding zoo. I was three months old when this picture was taken.
I think.
Eor sbelled like lemons and banure.
But like good banure. The kind of banure you like to sbell.

*SLIDE*

MULE
These are by dad’s only known relatives.
They are all donkeys.
Apparently I ab related to sob old king of the donkeys.
I think his nabe was “Franklin Delano Roosevelt the Donkey.”
Sob people ask “Hey, Bule, is with weird to be related to horsies aaaaaand donkeys?
I say no.

*SLIDES TURN OFF*

MULE
Here are by thoughts on that.
About being half donkey and half horsie.
Sobday I hope that there are no bor differences between horsies and donkeys.
Sobday I hope all the horsies and all the donkeys learn to love each other like by parents.
So that everybody can be as happy as be.
And then I hope that all the mules like be learn to love the pink piggies and the feathery white chickens. And the grey rats too.
And we’d all be different still, but we’d still be just different combinations of the sabe thing. Like people. Only we’d get along better than people do.
That’s what I think about that.
The thing about having horsies and donkeys in by fabily.

*SLIDE*

MULE
This is by last slide. It is of by home.
That’s the stable where I was born.
Over there’s where I took my first step.
That’s the corner where my bobby died.
She’s happy and sticking to stuff, is what by dad says.
He says heaven is bade out of glue.
I like that. Glue tastes good.

*BLANK SLIDE*

MULE
So concludes by slide presentation.
I hope you enjoyed its creativity.
I can’t wait to hear about your fabilies.
Thank you. Goodnight.

41

10.19.06
EDGAR and ABBY at the breakfast table.

ABBY
I’ve got a chapter meeting tonight at seven, so I won’t be home for dinner.

EDGAR
That’s ok, I’ll just get some tofurkey at Whole foods.

ABBY
You know I wish you wouldn’t shop there, that place is run by Republicans.

EDGAR
Oh it is not.

ABBY
It is so! They’ve pushed every mom and pop coop out of this town in under two years!

EDGAR
That’s because it’s better! They’re powered by solar panels! Solar panels! Besides, where else am I going to get decent tofurkey around here?

ABBY
If you want to sell your soul for some tofurkey, you go ahead and sign your name in the devil’s/ book. I buy my half of the groceries at the church farmer’s market.

/A funny cell phone ringer goes off offstage.

ABBY
That’s mine, I’ll get it.

ABBY leaves and EDGAR eats his Orangutan-O’s for some moments. He takes a sip of coffee when he hears:

BEEZLE
Sip a drizzle spack a sizzle drip slip gack a wizzle!

EDGAR wonders where that came from. He takes another sip.

BUBBLE
First tense past tense getting tense? Last tense!

EDGAR mouths to himself. Enter ABBY.

ABBY
Why are you looking at me like that?

EDGAR
Were you making funny noises a moment ago?

ABBY
No, that was my cell phone.

EDGAR
No, after the ringer. Were you making, like, rhymes?

ABBY
EDGAR, you’re being way hostile right now. I thought we talked about this at peace camp. You need to stop viewing your loved ones like they’re the enemy.

EDGAR
You’re right. You’re totally right. I’ll roast one after breakfast and chill out.

ABBY
Why wait? You stay here, I’ll go get our shit.

ABBY exits. EDGAR hears giggles.

EDGAR
ABBY! ABBY IS THAT YOU GIGGLING?

BUBBLES appears from someplace unexpected.

BUBBLES
GABBY GABBY WIZ LAT POO WRIGGLING?

BUBBLES disappears. ABBY enters.

ABBY
I brought “Captain Whammy,” because neither of us has cleaned “Gandalf” in a while. Are you alright? You look kind of pale…

EDGAR lets loose a blood-curdling scream.

ABBY
Ok, I’m gonna go put the weed away.

ABBY exits. EDGAR collects himself and investigates the situation. Hmm, nothing seems to be at all out of the ordinary. Just then BEEZLE enters from some other unexpected place! BUBBLES soon follows suit. They sing and dance.

BEEZLE & BUBBLES
FART FART, WALMART
MICKEY D’S AND ENGINE PARTS
AFTER THE FALL FROM UNDER THE RUBBLE
OUT COMES BEEZLE AND HIS BUBBLES!

EDGAR
What the fuck was that?

BEEZLE
She’s Bubbles-

BUBBLES
And I’m Bubbles!

BEEZLES
And we’re familiars!

EDGAR
ABBY! ABBY WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE SOYMILK?

BUBBLES
Gabby can’t hear you now, Eddy-poo-kins!

BEEZLE
You’re in limbooooooo!

EDGAR
Get the fuck away from me! What the hell do you want?

BUBBLES
We want to to to eeeeeeeat!

EDGAR
I am eating! I’m almost done with breakfast!

BEEZLE
NOT THAT CRAP!

BUBBLES
REAL FOOD!

BEEZLE
YEAH, REAL BAD FOOD!

BEEZLE & BUBBLES giggle uncontrollably.

EDGAR
Well I’m not hungry.

BUBBLES
OH you will beeeee…..

BEEZLE
YES! You will beeee…after we give you…

BEEZLE & BUBBLES
THE-MA-GRID-DAL!

BEEZLE & BUBBLES dance and giggle uncontrollably. Suddenly a McDonald’s bag appears out of nowhere. BEEZLE & BUBBLES force-feed french-fries to EDGAR as they sing:

BEEZLE & BUBBLES
CHEW CHEW CHOMP CHOMP
CHOMP CHOMP CHEW CHEW
FIRST YOU EAT THEN YOU POO
THEN YOU’RE FAT AND THEN YOU DIE
SO KISS YOUR SKINNY ASS GOODBYE!

BEEZLE & BUBBLES disappear as ABBY enters.

ABBY
ARE YOU EATING FAST FOOD?

EDGAR tries to protest, but his mouth is full.

ABBY
Have you gone fucking insane? Do you know what they put in that shit? That’s like drinking chemical sewage! Even the french-fries have meat in them!

EDGAR spits out the fries when BEEZLE appears.

ABBY
THAT’S DISGUSTING!

EDGAR
You see it too! I thought I was hallucinating!

ABBY
You’d have to be to try eating something like that.

EDGAR
You don’t see them? You don’t see the the the things?

ABBY
I see a pile/ of vomited french-fries on my eco-friendly plastic breakfast table…

/BUBBLES appears behind ABBY.

EDGAR
THERE! There’s another one behind you!

ABBY
What? I don’t see anything. Clean this shit up, Edgar. I’m not eating with you until you can act like a civilized non-corporate-filth-choking human being.

ABBY exits. BEEZLE & BUBBLES do a jig of joy.

EDGAR
You heard her! Clean this shit up!

BUBBLES
Hear that? He wants us to clean up…

BEEZLE
Hrrm, yes, indeed, we have quite a bit of cleaning up to do…

EDGAR
Well you better start now, man, ‘cause/ I’m not going to stand for this bullshit in my house. I’m a good person, I shouldn’t have to bother with shitty little demons or whatever the crap you are. I only eat plants and grains! I ride my bike everywhere! I EVEN USE RECYCLED TOILET PAPER FOR GODSAKE!

/BEEZLE & BUBBLES undress EDGAR and replace his clothes with a blue suit and a briefcase. They’ve magically turn his hair into a crew cut by time he finishes his speech.

BUBBLES
Looks good…

BEEZLE
And by that you mean bad…

EDGAR speaks with a respectable accent.

EDGAR
Where the heckfire did these clothes come from?

BEEZLE & BUBBLES
WALMART!

EDGAR screams in terror as BEEZLE & BUBBLES disappear. ABBY enters.

ABBY
Quit screaming, Jesus its as if you’ve never cleaned a day in your lifeOH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

EDGAR
Abigail! Abigail, they’ve changed me into something evil!

ABBY
What have you done to yourself? Are you trying to become bourgeois?

EDGAR
I am serious, Abigail! The devil’s familiars simply appeared out of nowhere and took away all of my…cool! I think that they might have turned me into a square…!

ABBY
Oh, Edgar honey…Edgar you were already square to begin with!

EDGAR
That was uncalled for, young lady. Uncalled for!

ABBY
Listen to yourself, Ed! You talking like the Man! I’m not engaged in a spiritual partnership with you so that I could be with the Man! I don’t want a man. I want you!

EDGAR
I’m me, look, see, I’m still me!

ABBY
I see that, I do…

EDGAR
…but…

ABBY
…but, I’m looking at you differently now, and...I see that you’ve always had this within you. You’ve always had a little but of the Man in you, /haven’t you? I suppose I can’t blame you for it. You were raised by squares and a child of right-wing protofascists can’t help it if they’re an unadulterated product of the mainstream.

/A crescendo of giggles from BEEZLE and BUBBLES.

EDGAR
shut up Shut Up SHUT UP! …oh, wait…no…not /you…them…the demons…!

ABBY
/Right. Demons made you behave like a total pig right /then. No, I get it. I totally believe the GOP work for the devil. Sure. Sure. …Sure. Sure. I agree with you.

EDGAR
/I am not a Republican! I am not! I’m like you! I love you!

ABBY
I’m going to the Barn House for a beer. When I get home, you better have grown your hair back out, gobshite.

ABBY begins to exit.

EDGAR
Abby, wait! …Would it have been any better if they had turned me into a Democrat?

ABBY
Are you kidding? What’s the difference?

ABBY slams the door. EDGAR shrugs in agreement.

40

10.17.06

CLAP.

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39

10.16.06

A FOOTBALL PLAYER crouches at the line of scrimmage. He gets geared up, but pauses and stands.

FOOTBALL PLAYER
Never underestimate the flow. You could have the biggest mutherfuckers on the line, the best arm with the sharpest brain and the stickiest mits to catch the damn thing, you disrespect the flow and all bets are off. This one time, I started shooting my mouth off-

A huge group of the scariest defensive tackles obliterate the FOOTBALL PLAYER. Seconds later, two re-enter.

TACKLE ONE
Never disrespect the flow, man, never disrespect the flow…

TACKLE TWO
Yeah, but pay attention when the ball gets hiked.

38 - Cute

10.15.06

A performer enters with a two-month-old puppy on a leash.
Awwwwww…

37 - A MILLION KISSES

10.14.06

In bed…

A
I bought a new ring today. Gold. Do you like it?

B
Sure, it’s very nice.

A
Yeah, it’s the real deal. Got it for a steal, too. Feel it.

B
Smooth, very nice. Price?

A
Not telling.

B
Panda bear…

A
No!

B
alright.

A
It’s a gift.

B
You bought it for yourself.

A
No, I bought it for us. As a declaration of our love and commitment.

B
Ah.

A
You don’t wear rings.

B
I don’t buy jewelry.

A
You don’t do much.

B
I do plenty.

A
Kiss me.

A kiss…

A
Again.

B
You first this time.

Another kiss.

A
How many do you think that makes?

B
Not enough to justify this conversation.

A
I bet it’s been a million kisses.

B
I don’t know if we’ve been together for a million seconds.

A
Some of our kisses are shorter than a second.

B
still…

A
A million kisses sounds more poetic.

B
What’s poetic about exaggeration?

A
Kiss me kiss me kiss me.

A third kiss.

B
My, aren’t we kissy.

A
You didn’t have a problem with that an hour ago.

B
Kissy is good. I like kissy.

A
Do you have a problem with kissing me?

B
No, of course not!

A
Do you have a problem with kissing?

B
In general? No.

A
So you have a problem with kissing me.

B
No! I just said I don’t.

A
I’m just pulling your chain. Kiss me again.

B
Fine…

An interrupted kiss.

A
Well, not if you’re gonna do it like that!

B
Like what? I’m kissing just fine!

A
fine…

B
What’s the problem with fine?

A
Fine…Fine, I’ll kiss you, fine…Fine, I’ll take out the trash…

A finer kiss.

B
I love your ring.

An abrupt kiss.

B
I love your kisses.

A tickled kiss.

B
And I love you. Do I need to do anything else to reassure you of my boundless devotion?

Kiss.

A
isleptwithsomeoneelse.

B
Buh…?

A
isleptwithsomeoneelse isleptwithsomeoneelse. Just now. Right before we made love.

B
Ha ha. Very funny.

A
No, I’m serious. Like, moments before we started making love, I did someone else.

B
Oh yeah, who?

A
I’m not joking, this isn’t funny.

B
Alright, wisenheimer. What’s their name then?

A
I don’t know.

B
So you slept with someone you don’t know.

A
Yes.

B
Right before we made love.

A
Yes.

B
Right after we spent the whole evening together.

A
Yeah. In between that and just now.

B
Well, unless it happened in the 45 seconds that we weren’t together, I’m not buying it.

A
It did. It lasted less than 45 seconds. It was really really fast.

B
And you never met this person before in your whole life?

A
It just sort of happened. Why are you laughing? This isn’t funny!

B
Where is this mystery person now?

A
Under the bed.

B
Under the bed? The whole time? Must be skinny…

A
Really, really skinny.

B
Well, tell them they can come out now.

A
You can come out from under the bed now. Everything is out in the open.

A pause.

A
Come out! Come on out!

An attempted kiss.

A
No, I don’t want to…

B
You’re cute.

Another attempted kiss.

A
Come out from under the bed!

B
Maybe they suffocated.

A successful kiss.

A long kiss.

A happy kiss.

A
I don’t understand why they aren’t coming out.

B
They? Just now it was one, now there’s more?

A
Well I only did it with one, but there were others there too.

A kiss filled with laughter.

B
Really, like who?

A
A businessman in a suit…

B
Birthday suit?

A raunchy kiss.

A
Come on, I’m serious.

B
Sure you are.

A
A businessman in a suit, a fast food clerk, a saxophonist…

B
What kind of saxophone?

A
Baritone. And there was a cheerleader and a mayor.

B
How did you know that they were the mayor?

A
They were wearing a sash that said “mayor.”

A kiss smothered with good humor.

B
And I bet there was a guy wearing a bumblebee costume too.

A brief kiss.

A
No, but there was an astronaut and a clown.

B
HA!

A
And two people dressed in a donkey costume. That was it, I think.

B
That’s it. All these people were in the room while you had sex with some skinny person for less than 45 seconds while I was away and not looking, and I didn’t notice?

A
You’re not mad?

A short, but reassuring kiss.

B
No, I’m not mad.

A
Really?

B
That ring is a sign of our love and commitment, right?

A
Right.

B
No, I’m not mad. In fact I think you’re the cutest thing in the whole world.

A
Aww…thanks.

A smooch.

B
So where is this cavalcade of characters who watched you have an affair?

A
Under the bed…

B
comehere…

A grabby kiss.
A kiss filled with giggles.

A
No seriously, they’re under the bed!

Punctuating kisses.

B
Pandabear, I don’t think I could fit under the bed, let alone an astronaut or a saxophonist.

A
They’re all there, I swear!

B
Maybe if it were a soprano saxophonist, but a baritone? Please…

A satisfying kiss.
The short low honk of a soprano saxophone.
A kiss meant to distract.

B
Wait, what was that?

A
Nothing. You farted.

B
Did I? I’m sorry.

A
Come here and kiss me like you mean it.

A slow kiss.
A passionate kiss.
A kiss that turns off the rest of the world.
A never ending kiss.
From under the bed, a skinny person, barely dressed, quietly escapes making sure the coast is clear. A businessman escapes, followed by a fast food clerk and a baritone saxophonist, who they remind to keep quiet before exiting. A cheerleader escapes cartwheeling, followed by the “mayor” and an astronaut who exits by bobbing in slow motion. A clown escapes and helps pull the donkey out from under the bed, exiting silently. An oblivious kiss.

B
999,999,999…

An ignorant kiss

B
A million!

A blissful kiss.

36

10.13.06

A stark room with a simple metal door. Off-center is a simple metal desk with a simple metal chair. Sitting in the chair is MAX, who reads blank transparency paper. Simple futuristic music, meant to elevate mood, plays lightly in the background. One at a time, audience members are escorted through the metal door from a cold dark room. They each face MAX alone, wearing special protective suits over their clothes. MAX does not answer questions, and does not respond to attempted audience interaction.

MAX
Hello and welcome to the resurrection project. I see here in my files that you perished on (insert date here) from (insert random ailment here) at precisely (insert performance start time here). You have now been resurrected. May I see your ticket?

MAX looks at the ticket, specifically for the ticket number.

MAX
Your new name is (insert ticket number here). It is located here on your ticket. I have judged your ticket to be non-counterfeit. You may proceed in living. Today's date is June 9th, 2984. You are currently located in Shackspeare, Angletown. We are located in the Tudor district. You speak a dialect of English which is now archaic in what, to you, is the new world. I have learned this speech phonetically in order to help your reintegration. Do not worry, all will be explained in orientation. The resurrection project is a subsidiary of BLOO-ip. Do you have any questions?

MAX interrupts the audience member.

MAX
Thank you and on behalf of BLOO-ip and the resurrection project, have a happy new life. You may proceed through the wall.

When the audience member cannot find the entrance through the wall, MAX yells at them in a series of beeps and bloops.

MAX
BLOOP! Beeeeeeeeeeeep. Bop bop bop bopbopbopbopbop EEEEEEEEEEE!

MAX then opens a hidden door in the wall that leads to another room which features dumpy flower-patterned couches and an old tv/vcr. The room is dark, except for light provided via lava lamps. When the audience member has taken their seat and MAX has again sealed the door, the next audience member is escorted into the simple room with the simple metal door. Inside the room are seated two guards, with neutralizers. When the last audience member is escorted into the room, MAX bloops to the guards and seals the door. An INSTRUCTOR enters from another hidden door. The INSTRUCTOR deliberately waves hello, and after counting everyone, turns on the tv/vcr. The video that plays is unbelievably old and worn out.

(TVVCR)
(Hello. Welcome to the 30th century! You have all died. Normally, this would be the end, but tonight, it is not! Isn't that great?)

The tv/vcr waits for a response. Somebody does, and it moves on.

(TV/VCR)
(Yes, it is, isn't it? First, a bit of explanation. Each and everyone of you died, nearly one thousand years ago! But thanks to five hundred years of the development of modern technology, you can breathe again today! Isn't that amazing?)

Again, the tv/vcr waits until someone agrees.

(TV/VCR)
(Now, as you may or may not remember, you bought a ticket to an informational meeting called “Live Forever Now!” in the days and weeks before you perished. That ticket was actually a coupon to be entered in out Eternal Youth Sweepstakes! Bad news or good news first? Bad news, bad news, of course. Unfortunately, due to the mass chaos and hysteria caused by the tragic events of [insert performance date here], the event had to be cancelled. Good news? We held the raffle anyway, and you all won! Congratulations! Isn't that just dandy?)

The tv/vcr waits. And waits and waits and waits.

(TV/VCR)
(So, a couple moments of acclimation for you before we set you loose on the future. For one thing, nobody speaks English anymore. It is a dead language, as far as many are concerned. Those of us who know it have learned it phonetically from the scholars who maintained a limited understanding of the language's workings. Now we speak a language called BLIIIIIIPIPIPIP, which is currently the only language spoken on the planet. It consists of a series of bleeps and bloops which you, the voyager from the past, will never be able to understand. Not to worry though, everyone living within one hundred miles of this location has learned enough conversational English to give you the illusion that we have any idea what you are saying. Also, we have tried to construct a replica of what the world may have looked like before you departed it. We rebuilt your homes and favorite restaurants, as well as your schools and sports arenas, all in order to create the illusion that it is [insert year of performance here]. It might be a little hard to make the adjustment, but we won't set you free without first giving you a survival kit. Your survival kit includes: 1 unit of water, 1 unit food, 1 page of translations from English into BLIIIIIIIPIPIPIP, 1 condom, 1 dry salted peanut [the currency of the future] and finally 1 length of yarn. Because you are our first group to successfully be resurrected, this is really a test of your capability to reintegrate. Future resurrections depend on your success. Make us proud!)

A team of ushers hand out the survival kits, which are housed in futuristic bags. The audience is blooped at and bleeped at until they exit the room into another, terminal room. Futuristic music is played while they are encouraged to trade their peanuts for a jello shot. They are also asked to give back their special protective suits. After all the suits are collected, the lights are shut off and a door is opened wide. The door leads to an alley, and the end of the show. The audience fends for themselves.

35

10.12.06

A figure, anonymous, stands alone onstage. Tableau.

An identical figure enters with what appears to be an enormous erection. The first figure looks at the second. They both look down.
They both look up at each other. Tableau.

The second figure reaches into a trouser pocket, revealing that the offending sight was a banana all along. Tableau.

34

10.11.06

Three, in bland one-piece uniform, with worn furniture.

135
It’s like waiting for the guillotine, being here…

721
Entertainment. What we need is entertainment.

502
Yes, it’s positively glum here, isn’t it?

721
Yes, glum is the word I was looking for.

502
Humdrum would work as well.

721
Yes. Humdrum!

502
Humdrum…glum…entertainment. Yeah! Well, I have an idea in the old noggin! Let’s have a posh tea party to celebrate the arriving hour? Shall we?

721
Oh yes! Lets!

135
You must be positively daft.

502
Nonsense. Not at all. Here, come set the table while I put the kettle on!

721
Ooh! How lovely! Look at this wonderful lace tablecloth I had hanging in the master closet! This should do nicely! Go purloin the silver from Ragobond’s cupboard, will you?

135
Who is Ragobond?

721
Why our butler, silly. Wouldn’t want to wake him, its nearly ten to midnight! We’ll just place the settings ourselves. Oh! Here comes mum with the crumpets!

502
Crumpets, both cinnamon and raspberry. Also brought salmon cakes, deviled eggs and little salted wieners in cream sauce for my saucy young boys! In the kitchen I’ve made sweets you couldn’t even imagine. Things shaped like mythical creatures and frosted in colors not found in the rainbow. Absolutely delicious. Tea’s on the way!

721
Thanks mum. A wonderful treat after such a long dreary day. Work was an atrocious bore, what with all the nonsense and the hubbub. Crunching numbers, flipping pages, so on, so forth. Though I was at the opera house for a matinee to escape the rain. The story was even drearier, I would say. Music was phenomenal, though. Don Giovanni, by Mozart. Dead before his time… Say, son, what did you do with your day?

135
I’m not…I don’t…

502
Didn’t you paint a picture today, son?

721
Well go on, tell us about it…

135
I…Yes. I painted a picture.

721
Wonderful, well, let’s have a look at it!

135
Here it is, here is my picture. It is surrounded by a frame.

502
I can see that, boy, how wonderful! Simply marvelous! All the fine detail and the color! You’ve a bright future ahead of you, you know!

135
No I haven’t…

721
Nonsense, son. I’ve worked hard all my life so that you, my heir, could have the opportunity to follow your dreams. If you wish to become an artist, well then, I will make sure that every obstacle between you and success are laid waste. You have a bright future ahead of you now, don’t you…?

135
Yes. A bright future indeed…

721
I’m afraid I’ve misplaced my spectacles. Might you describe this painting for me?

502
Tea’s ready. Everyone hold up your cup!

721
Aren’t you going to hold up your cup, son?

135
Yes. Please. Tea.

502
Any lumps?

135
Seven.

502
Sweat tea for my sweet pea! 1…2…3…4…5…6…7. 7 lumps!

721
None for me, thanks. Now, boy. Why don’t you go ahead and describe what to me is only a faint blur. Perhaps my imagination will fill it in.

135
It’s a picture.

721
Yes…of what?

135
It’s a picture of a birdie.

502
Yes, I see that now. What species of avia do you presume?

135
It’s a big birdie.

721
Ah! A Rrrraptor then. Perhaps an eagle?

135
Yes. It’s a picture of an eagle.

502
And what’s it doing?

135
It’s flying.

721
Soaring! Soaring majestically I would say.

135
No. No it isn’t.

502
Then what’s it doing?

135
It’s diving. For the kill.

721
Ah, I see. It must be hungry.

135
Yes, that’s right. It hasn’t eaten for days…

502
It’s got that look in its eye.

135
No, there’s no look. It’s too hungry to look anymore. It’s too tired and weak to keep thinking. This eagle, right here it is, dives completely on instinct. It knows there’s a fish in the water. Right here. The water bubbles on this side of the painting, because we’re behind the eagle’s back, looking down. And we can’t see the fish, but it’s there. We know it’s there. In our mind’s eye we see that fish. We’re falling with the eagle, falling fast, hard, our last chance for a meal before we starve. It’s desperate, it’s so desperate, but it’s free. We’ve never been so free. Moments before the kill.

502
Good work, m’boy, have a crumpet, while I hang this masterpiece on the wall!

135
Yes…Yes, I suppose I will! Mmm, it’s warm!

721
Just pulled fresh from the oven, you know. Before we had a cook, your mum was quite the culinary expert! Try the salmon cakes, eagle-boy.

135
MMMmmm, they melt in my mouth!

502
I’m glad you like them. But there’s a secret recipe you know…

721
Ah, yes, the family secret recipe for salmon cakes…

135
What’s the secret?

502
They’re magical.

135
Really!

721
Yes, yes, if you eat three, you fly!

502
You don’t just fly, you become a bird! An eagle, just like in this painting!

135
How wonderful! Lets all of us eat three together!

(Mouths full)

721
One…

502
Mmm, two…

135
Three!

(Pause)

135
I feel it! I’m an eagle!

502
Yes, we’re all eagles! Look at us fly!

721
Now let’s fly our asses out of this place!

135
No, wait! Look down there! Fish!

502
Delicious fish!

(They go for the kill)

721
I’ve got one! A trout! I’m not sharing!

135
Me too! A new kind of fish! Never before discovered!

502
Oh, I bet it’s delicious!

721
Who cares! I’m hungry!

502
I’m starving!

135
I’ve never felt so free!

Harsh light and rusty chains burst in. The three cover their eyes as they are addressed by an OFFSTAGE VOICE.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Alright you three. Hands on your heads. Stand forward and be counted.

721 stands forward.

721
Prisoner 721 present and accounted for, sir!

721 stands back. 502 stands forward.

502
Prisoner 502 present and accounted for, sir!

502 stands back. 135 reluctantly stands forward.

135
135 present, sir.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
I COULDN’T HERE THAT, RODENT. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

135
I said prisoner 135 present and accounted for, sir!

OFFSTAGE VOICE
That’s better. Now. It’s three minutes to midnight. There has been no interference from the party office, which means things will continue as planned. The preacher couldn’t make it, his school bus ran over a land mine. Don’t worry, he’s alright. He said you should say your prayers quietly to yourself…well get on with it!

The three begin to pray in separate languages.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Quieter! And line up with your backs facing us. We’ll be leading you out soon.

The three pray quietly as they face upstage.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Poor loony bastards. Alright, company, on my mark. FIRE!

Blackout in a hail of gunfire.